by Kailin Gow
Stuart stopped short. “What do you mean?” His voice rose higher. “What are you planning to do?”
Kalina said nothing.
“Kalina?”
“We can't leave him,” said Kalina. The moment she said it she felt there was no choice. “Not when he's broken through – he's made progress. We've seen it.” Her eyes shone with the power of her intensity. “There's hope. Stuart – listen – there's hope!”
Chapter 17
Kalina grabbed hold of Stuart. “Listen,” she said, tightening her grip on his arm. “We have to go back.” She sighed and shook her head. “We can't just leave him. Now that we know...the real Jaegar's in there somewhere. Deep down.”
It was charitable hope, but Kalina knew that she was feeling something else, something she didn't dare share with Stuart. His words had reawakened her old desires, her old loves, and as she spoke she felt that she saw the image of Jaegar as he was once before her: affable and kind, witty and charming, with that mischievous streak that at once had intrigued and infuriated her. He had fascinated her from the very beginning with his easy beauty and idle charm. When she thought she had lost him – she had mourned him deeply – mourned a love that had gone deep to her bones without her even realizing it. He represented for her all that was dangerous – all that was passionate. It had reflected her love for Octavius – in his inaccessibility and maturity that totality of which all of them: Stuart, Jaegar, and poor vanished Aaron, were only a part. She knew rationally that what she loved in the three brothers was the trace of Octavius within them; yet, now that she had resigned herself to losing Octavius and his love, promised him to move on to one of the brothers – a more sensible option – what she felt for Jaegar somehow felt more powerful, more real. Was he the true heir to Octavius’ blood – and therefore her heart? Certainly Octavius had thought so. He had infinite power and patience for Jaegar – he hadn't even killed him, despite Jaegar's disloyalty on the part of Life’s Blood. He had cared for Jaegar too deeply for that, with a paternal sensibility he had never shown truly to Stuart or to Aaron. In terms of the warrior hierarchy, Kalina knew, Jaegar was truly Octavius’ heir: strong, wild, passionate, bad but never evil.
Until now.
No, Kalina thought to herself. No – that couldn't be. She had seen Jaegar's soul when she had tried to convince him just now in the Winery, had felt the power of their electrifying kiss spider out through her veins. She couldn't feel what she were feeling: this love, this power, this passion, if it were in fact true after all that it was only evil that remained in that callous and beautiful shell that was Jaegar. There had to be the real Jaegar there, too.
She could not love evil, after all. And she loved him.
She turned to Stuart. “Please!”
His face was implacable, his pain and anger masked by his rational thought. “We cannot,” he said, and it was clear that the effort of these words choked him. “Not when you know how dangerous he is – he can be. He almost killed us both, Kalina. And in the one moment he was able to break free, he told you to go. So go. You told him to stop loving you, to forget you. SO let him stop. Let him go.”
Was that really what Kalina had wanted? She had wanted to live – but she felt suddenly, irrationally, that to die in Jaegar's heart was to die for good, so truly did his love sustain her. “That's the thing, Stuart,” said Kalina. Her voice felt hollow and empty. “I know that. I know all that. And I still want to go. It's stupid, it's stupid to go back, and yet with Jaegar it is the only thing I can do. I'm the only one who can get through to him, Stuart; what if I'm the only one who can get him through this? And what if I'm the only one who can save him? If anyone could do it – it would be me. I'm responsible for this. It's my blood within him – what if I can harness that blood? Control it! I got through to him before – and he showed himself. Our Jaegar. The person we both care about. And he let him go. I could feel it telepathically – how much he's fighting the control this blood has over him.”
“It's impossible!”
“It's not impossible, Stuart!” Kalina cried. “Listen to me – just listen, please! What happens if we don't go back? He'll stay bad, without our help, and he'll keep trying to track us down – and then he'll catch us, and kill us, and everybody that we know and love and care about with us. And when we're dead – guess what? He'll stay like this: evil, deranged, insane, forever.”
“Or he'll turn you into a vampire.” said Stuart. “And then you'll be with him – forever – forced to confront that evil every day of your soulless life. He won't stop. I've seen Jaegar when he's obsessed – and it was never as bad as this. He'll stop at nothing to get to you.”
“I know – but...” Kalina's voice trailed off. “It's Jaegar, Stuart. There's hope for him. Please.” She thought back to the Winery. If she had gotten through to him once – why couldn't she get through to him again? And whatever power she had unleashed back there – it would keep them safe, protected, strong. “Did you see what I did back there, Stuart? I was able to break through that compulsion. I was able to fight Jaegar back – physically as well as psychically, Whatever power I have with the Life’s Blood – I will use it. I can use it.”
“I know,” said Stuart. His face was cloudy with pain and uncertainty. “I know.” He gathered her into his arms, holding her tightly. She could feel his strong muscles press close around her, making her feel as she always did when she was around him: warm, safe, protected. She didn't want to let the feeling go.
He whispered his words into her neck. “You're something else, Kalina. Something extraordinary. Special. A human with the strength of a vampire – a girl with the heart and soul of a lion.”
She sighed. “I don't know why,” she said. “Or what it is. Why I am the way I am.”
He stroked her hair softly as she spoke. “When I was in Paris with Octavius, we went to the Bibliotheque Supernaturel to research my upbringing – to figure out who I was, where I came from. The myth about the Chinese scientist and his daughter – it was true. A vampire-turned-human mated with a human proper – and over time more vampires entered the line – it seemed every female carrier was destined to fall in love with one of those vampires. And that's who my parents are. Half-humans, half-vampires.”
“Octavius told you all this?”
“I found some papers in the library – from the orphanage where I was put up for adoption. A collection of record. And...it's funny, isn't it? Me and my crazy feelings for all you vampires. Maybe it's just my blood talking. The carrier seems to get stronger and stronger – the more vampires that enter the bloodline, I guess. That's why I'm attracted to vampires, maybe. Just the survival of the species – my natural desire to choose the most powerful mate possible to reproduce with.” She gave a bitter laugh. “Gross, isn't it? My ancestors fell in love with the strongest vampires they knew. And their blood got stronger over time. And that's why I'm so strong. That's probably what happened back there...I don’t know. There isn’t anyone around like me so I couldn’t ask. Generations upon generations of effort. That doctor in China, that ancestor of mine, who wanted to give humans the strength of vampires, in order to fight vampires, may have succeeded at last. Because I'm here now – and I can control Life’s Blood, rather than letting it control me.”
Stuart held her more closely.
“So am I a human in love with a vampire?” Kalina said. “Or am I a vampire that this blood allows to be – just barely – human? Am I in love with another species – or just looking for my own kind?”
Stuart turned away. His expression terrified her. It was not one of love – but for a moment it had become one of repulsion, one of fear.
“Stuart?” her voice began to tremble. “Stuart – what is it? What's wrong?”
He wriggled out of her grasp – jerking away a bit too quickly. What had happened? Had she frightened him – disgusted him? She let her face fall in shame. “What's wrong with me finding out who I am? Realizing it – my strength, my power...”
Bu
t Stuart's face remained downcast. At last he looked up with her, forcing his face into something like composure. “I am happy for you, Kalina. Truly I am happy for you.”
“But that’s not all is it?”
“I am happy for you,” Stuart repeated stiffly.
“But...?”
Stuart sighed. “But I am also worried. It is I imagine a boon to our cause for you to have vampire strength. But will you suffer too from the other...tendencies of a vampire. Will your having overriden your blood give you those same desires?”
“What?” Kalina was aghast. “No, of course...I mean, I don't think so. I've never wanted to drink anyone' s blood, if that's what you're asking. Just – I mean, your blood. And Octavius and Jaegar's. But that's different. It's vampire blood.”
“But you wanted it?”
“It tasted...I mean – of course I wanted it!”
“I see.” Stuart turned away.
“Do you think instead of human blood, I crave vampire blood? But Maeve drank your blood too, and it didn't make her a vampire?” Yet as Kalina thought back to the vigor and passion with which she had sucked the vampires' blood, she wasn't altogether sure she wasn't being disingenuous.
“I just – I just don't want you to lose your humanity,” said Stuart. “You can understand that much.”
“Right,” said Kalina, putting her hands on her hips. “Because that's what you love about me, isn't it?”
“Isn't what?”
“That I'm human.”
There was a long pause, a pause that filled Kalina with agony. “Yes,” said Stuart gravely. “I suppose it is.” He looked up at her. “I will not lie to you, Kalina. I despise my own vampire nature. All that I see as human in you – your life, your light, your passion – makes me love you, for it reminds me of a world I thought gone forever.” He began pacing swiftly. “If you are truly turned into a vampire – if you become a vampire like Jaegar – I don't know how...” he let his voice trail off. “I don't know how I'd feel.”
“I see,” said Kalina stiffly.
“It – it would change things.”
“But I'm not a full-fledged-vampire,” said Kalina, jerking away from him. “I'm not even sure I am a vampire. I mean, I don't know what I am. Vampire-turned human. Halfling. Something in between – something different. Humans - vampires – former vampires...”
“But your strength,” Stuart could not resist speaking. “It's vampire strength.”
The horror in his voice said it all.
Kalina felt anger overwhelm her, an anger mixed with pain and shame. “I can't help it,” said Kalina. “I didn't ask to be born such a freak!” Her voice had turned into a shout. “I don't know what I am, Stuart, but whatever it is – you'd better accept it. I can't change it. And you know what? I wouldn't if I want to. It's not my humanity you'd miss, Stuart, but yours.”
Tears of anger welled up in her eyes. “I'm going back to the vineyard.”
So, Jaegar was right all along. Stuart had only wanted her blood, her humanity, nothing more. His love for her was only a misplaced love for the life he had once lost. How could she have been so stupid?
She had never felt more like a vampire than she did right now.
Chapter 18
“Kalina, stop!” Stuart's voice echoed through the garden. “I'm sorry, really I am.” She could hear the sounds of footsteps coming towards her, but she refused to turn around. She couldn't bear to see his face. “I didn't mean all of that – really I didn't! I was just angry – frightened. Freaked out, even. To see you...knowing you'll have to go through what I went through.”
“Sure,” said Kalina under her breath. She kept walking straight ahead until at last Stuart caught up with her.
“I didn't mean it.”
“Yes, Stuart,” said Kalina. Her voice was clear and determined. “Yes, you did. You meant it more than you realize.”
“What are you talking about?” Stuart's eyes were wild with pain. He knew how deeply he had hurt her, and how much too he had given away of his secret fears and desires – desires he wouldn't admit even to himself. As Kalina regarded him her anger faded. She rather felt sorry for him. He wanted so badly to be human, to extricate himself from the agony of his vampire nature. He had never adjusted to becoming one – it always seemed that he was ill at ease in his own skin, as if the transformation of his body had not merely turned the bones to steel and the blood immortal, but also changed so substantially the nature of the body that it was no longer Stuart's at all; his eyes shone out prisoner from this cage Octavius had put him in.
It was a struggle for Stuart, she knew, and Kalina could not help but feel compassion for him. How could he not fall in love with her, she reasoned. For so long she had represented Stuart's last and best hope – that he might win her love, and in so doing free himself from the curse that had afflicted him for so long. Even as now her vampire nature filled Kalina with a sense of wonder and excitement – it filled Stuart with memories of what he hated most in the world: himself.
Kalina looked Stuart straight in the eyes. As she looked at him, she saw within his eyes the pain of over seven hundred years of killing – of senseless deaths and the fight for survival. The guilt of each man and woman he killed hung heavily upon his soul. He had spent the first part of his vampiric life unable to control his impulses – crazed enough to commit murder. After all, vampire wine had not yet been invented in those days – there had been no other choice. He had thought about killing himself – she could see this in his eyes – but he had been unable to do it.
She felt his pain – his whole life story – seep into her, overwhelming their telepathic connection.
There had been no choice for him. He could not enter a church – he could not pray to the cross that had meant so much to him. He could not confess his sins. To commit suicide was in the Catholic faith a sin – but so was murder – and for Stuart there had been no escape. To walk in the sunlight would be to go straight to Hell – or into a soulless nonexistence – a thought so terrifying even Stuart could not face it. He had been able to control his impulse to commit murder, and yet he could not confess his sins, purify himself for a world that, if it was to come at all, was a source of even greater terror for him.
“What would you do?” asked Kalina. “If you were human.”
“The first thing?” Stuart's eyes crinkled around the edges. “I would enter a church,” he said. “I would go to confession. I would recite the names and ages and stories of all those I had wronged, had killed. And I would seek pardon for each crime. And at last...my soul would be free...”
Kalina had considered herself a religious person – she and Justin had both been raised Catholic – but somehow the sheer force of Stuart's fervor struck her. This was a religiosity of the Medieval age – a surety in the power of redemption and the cross that seemed to no longer exist in the world of Rutherford, California.
“And then what?”
“Perhaps I would spend my life in prison for my crimes – though no jury would believe me sane enough to convict me. Perhaps I would marry...” (marry you, he did not say), “bear children, lead a happy life. And then I would receive the gift of a good death – and a good life – and a clean soul when I head to the hereafter.”
“Do you still believe in the hereafter?” Kalina asked.
“I do,” said Stuart. “There are things beyond the earth and the sky – why should there not be a God?”
The sky hung moonless and dark over them.
“If there is a God,” said Kalina, “why doesn't He interfere to stop vampires? To stop evil?”
Stuart took a few steps further. “Why doesn't He stop evil humans?” he asked. “Or wars – or plagues – or famines? Perhaps we vampires are just another blight upon a fallen world.”
They walked together in silence.
“Sometimes after my parents died,” said Kalina, “I used to wonder whether God existed – because he had let two such good people die – on a mission, no less!
The church said they were martyrs, but I still found it hard...all this that's been going on with vampires makes it even harder to believe.”
“It makes my faith stronger,” said Stuart. “Knowing how much more there is to the world than mere humanity.”
“You'd think you guys would have all the answers,” said Kalina. “Around for so many years – you'd think you'd figure it all out.”
Octavius had always seemed so wise. Even now her heart cried out at the thought. Octavius!
“I think we have more time to get muddled,” said Stuart. “And that's all. But even in the agony of being a vampire – there are moments that give me hope, in faith. In my love for my father. In Aaron.”
They fell silent. Aaron's disappearance had weighed heavily on them both. Together they hoped and prayed that he was still alive – felt that surely, surely, if he died they would feel it telepathically, and knew Octavius was searching for him all over Europe – and yet they had not spoken of him often since his disappearance. It seemed to hurt too much. It was easier to shut it out of their minds.
“Do you think Aaron's...you know...”
“I hope so,” said Stuart. “You saw Jaegar, in your mind's eye, when he was turned. If something similar happened to Aaron, I feel sure we would know it. Besides, his nose is too strong to be addled by the madness of Life’s Blood – and certainly too valuable to be rendered useless through murder. No doubt Mal is keeping him alive and well until he can track down all the potential carriers he can.”
“Do you think others are out there?” asked Kalina. “Other carriers – my cousins – fourth cousins – sixth cousins – other members of this line of vampires?”
“I don't know,” said Stuart. “I feel sure there is nobody else quite like you in the world.” He took her hand. “Whether it is your blood than makes you so or not.”
“You can't help it,” said Kalina. “You're attracted to the blood. You all are. Even Octavius found the smell...”
