by Kailin Gow
“Drink,” Jaegar whispered again, forcing Stuart's lips into the wound he had made. “Drink.”
Want want no do not want want want...
The madness in Stuart's mind began to drown out everything else, until Kalina could hear nothing but his desire.
Chapter 15
Kalina closed her eyes, waiting for that familiar feeling – at once intoxicating and terrifying – of Stuart's teeth sinking low into her neck. Not two days earlier she had felt Jaegar – felt its horror mingled with the desire it had inadvertently awakened in her, and her feelings were no different now. As her heart began to quicken and then slow in terror, she felt her breath turn shallow; her body was tensed to receive the penetrating force of his kiss.
Compulsion began coming over her – both Stuart's and Jaegar's – and she could taste Stuart's own compulsion – for Jaegar had hypnotized him – on the tip of her tongue. No, she whispered to herself. No – I can't...
She wanted to live! To live! This was Life’s Blood – after all – the blood of life, and life coursed through her, and she could not give it up. She could not give it up – give up her own life, and along with it Stuart's, Jaegar's, all those who relied on her for some hope of salvation from their vampiric fate. She wouldn't allow it.
Something like adrenaline rushed through her; it took her over. She felt at once that she were riding a stallion – a wild horse swift and uncontrolled – bucking over savage terrain, taking her with it, a passenger upon her own fury. She did not think; she could not think. Something monstrous and unknown reared up in her blood and trampled her veins and her thoughts into nothingness.
Suddenly she stood, casting off Stuart as lightly as she would a feather upon her lap. And then she was facing Jaegar. Her hands found his chest and then she pushed hard.
He flew from the force of her blow, falling backwards across the room, slamming with a heavy thud into the wall.
For a moment there was silence. Stuart and Jaegar both turned to her, expressions of shock upon their faces. And Kalina saw her face too reflected in theirs, a mirror of her own confusion. What had happened to her? What had she done?
“What?” Stuart whispered, softly. She could see that compulsion had left his gaze; he was sane now – his kind, blue eyes staring out at her with their customary softness. Jaegar was nursing his wounds against the wall – he bled where she had hit him, and from where he had scratched against the wall. His cuts began to heal one by one, but he remained savagely still, staring at her.
“What have you done?” Jaegar asked.
“The blood...” Stuart whispered.
The Life Blood? Kalina rounded about, gaining time to grab her stake. Was this what had made her so strong? Was this what made her whole line so strong, the Life Blood that pulsed through her, had pulsed through Carriers like Tess and Johanna, a whole line of girls descended from that first union between human and vampire – some strange thing, not human, not vampire, something in between.
“The blood...” Stuart whispered again.
And then it hit her. Life’s Blood could turn Stuart human. It could turn Jaegar human. It was the blood of Life – not of this – this death, destruction, violence. It wasn't her blood that did this.
It was her.
A vampire made human. Kalina's heart began to beat faster. Was that what she was deep down? A vampire turned by true love – the love of a mother for her child, of a wife for her husband – into a human? Mortal – able to breathe, to possess a heartbeat – and yet so very strong, so very dangerous like a vampire?
Kalina felt the blood-knowledge course through her, and then she knew it completely, with a surety that had been buried within her veins for years.
She was a vampire.
The Life’s Blood wasn't what made her strong. It was only what made her human. She was the daughter of vampires who turned human.
“Stand back,” she said, staring Jaegar down. “And don't you dare move.”
He hung back warily, waiting to see what she would do next. Even now, at the height of his cruelty, he was still beautiful – that impossible beauty that had fell her the first day they met, that had led her into such constant confusion, that had led her into such heated desire...
“What did you do?” Jaegar asked. “You can...” His moment of weakness faded, and his high, cold laugh returned. He arched an eyebrow, his manner turning as cold and cruel as steel. “Not just content to sleep with vampires, are you? Now you have to be as strong as a vampire.”
The insult stung; he of all people knew her confusion, her pain, her indecision when it came to Octavius and the Greystone Brothers.
“I am a vampire,” said Kalina. “Part vampire. A vampire made human.” She had, for a moment, a brief and terrifying moment, overcome the effects of Life’s Blood in her. And so she knew – with a glimmer of hope so faint it barely registered at all – that perhaps Jaegar could too. “A vampire held back by Life’s Blood. Until I overcame it – used my powers...” She had to think quickly – what would work? She had almost convinced Jaegar before. She shot Stuart a look – half-apologetic, half-warning. She knew what she had to do. “And so can you.”
“Overcome the Life’s Blood?” Jaegar scoffed. “Why would I want to?”
She knew what she would have to do was risky; there was no choice.
“Because you loved me, once,” she said softly. “Because you loved me so much – and I loved you.” She took a step closer to him, feeling Stuart's eyes settle upon her, feeling his pain even as she knew there was no alternative to save the both of them. After last night with Stuart, after what she had begun to feel for him, she knew doing this would hurt him more than anything – her cruelty bringing out the worst of his fears and sibling rivalry. But there was no other way. She could hear his pain pounding in her ears, although she knew he knew what she was doing.
She took hold of Jaegar's shoulder, trying to practice compulsion the way he had practiced it so often on her. “Didn't you love me, Jaegar?” She whispered into his ear, his neck, his shoulders. “Once?” She pressed him lightly up against the wall, feeling him sink into the rough stones. She placed her lips against his and began kissing him, transmitting all her pain, her love, her anger into him. “Remember when I found you in the vineyards, Jaegar? That time that you realized that you loved me.” She kissed him again. Was this what a vampire did, to create compulsion? Lying – with the truth buried deep inside like a hidden gem. “That you'd protect me?” She tried to show longing in her eyes, a longing she felt but didn't dare express – he recognized the danger and she did too. She ran her fingers up and down the smooth marble length of his face.
“I came back here for you, Jaegar,” she said. “I'm here for you, Jaegar. Fighting for you. TO save you. I can't give up on you. Not when I know the real Jaegar is within you somewhere – deep inside you. I can't give up on you, Jaegar. After all, you never gave up on me. You still haven’t given up. You do still want me, do you?”
The real Jaegar had to be there, deep inside this cruel facade he was putting on. Jaegar remained stoic and still against her touch – was his silence evidence for a struggle? “All those things you said to me – in the past few days. You didn't mean them, did you?” Her voice was wheedling, calm, consoling. “I know you didn't mean them. You couldn't have. Not the Jaegar I know.” She brushed her fingers over his eyelids; they fluttered closed. “Not the Jaegar I love.”
She heard Stuart gasp. She knew he knew what she was doing; it didn't make it any easier. “I know the real Jaegar. You've let me see him – vampire or no vampire. You've let me touch him. You've let me love him, deep in his heart, where there is still love, still humanity, still pain.” She let her fingers trace down to his chest, his silent chest. “That is why you love me.” She kissed him again, and then withdrew, staring him in the face, straight on.
“If you turn me, Jaegar, I promise – you'll lose that in me. You'll lose me forever – more finally than if you killed me. I won't be th
e woman you love anymore. And then you'll never be human.” She took a deep breath. It was now or never. “If you love me, Jaegar, let me go. Forget about me.”
She could feel Jaegar's fist clench beneath her. His face was a mask of pain and conflict. This was not mere compulsion. She had struck through to the very core of his soul. Instinctively – with a power that seemed to go beyond his will, he reached out a hand and stroked her face. Like the old Jaegar would have done. The good Jaegar.
“Kalina,” he whispered. “I, I...” His voice trailed off. He swallowed hard. “I can't...”
He turned to Stuart, forcing the words out. “Take her out of here!” His voice was brusque and hard, but it was not anger she heard. “Before I...” He couldn't finish his sentence; he contorted with the full force of his agony. “Hurry.”
Jaegar's fangs shot out once more from his face – cruelty taking over again.
But he had given them time. Stuart was around her now, holding her tightly, grabbing her with the full force of his love, spiriting her away into the darkness, far away from Jaegar, as fast as he could.
Chapter 16
As Stuart carried her through the cloudless night Kalina found that she could not move. She was stunned – shaking even as her body remained rigid, still. Stuart's arms, clasped closely and tightly around her, were not enough to make her forget even for an instant the sight of Jaegar's face as it contorted before her, the features trying independently of their own to align themselves with either evil or good. What had she expected, after all? Kalina flushed, glad that the night covered her shame from Stuart. Did she expect that her love would serve as a balm, magically turning Jaegar back into the witty, jocular boy she had once known? That the sadistic creature that had haunted her dreams would crumble and fall away, leaving the real Jaegar innocent and whole in his place? No, it wasn't so easy. Stuart had seen Jaegar's darkness even before the turning, and Jaegar was more complicated than that. It was what had most attracted her to him at first – this complication. Now, it filled her with shame. Her love had not been enough – or had it?
He had let her go. It had taken every effort in his body, but he had let her go. He had set her free – begged Stuart to take her away before he could attack her again. He had let Stuart live – his brother, whom he had sworn to kill. He had let Kalina live. Kalina sighed at last, the air escaping her body all at once in a fluid rush of icy-cold wind. She hadn't expected all three of them to leave the Wineries alive. It was a small mercy, she supposed. They were still in danger – they all were. But she had delayed the inevitable a little longer. Stuart was alive a little longer – and Jaegar...
Jaegar! Was there some hope for him after all? She had felt the soft touch of his fingertips on her skin, a touch that suggested love, truth, goodness. It had been so brief – that goodness had vanished. But it had still been there. Jaegar had overcome the influence of her blood, just like she had.
Just like she had. As she flew through the air, Kalina looked down at her body, her fingertips, her legs, her shoulders. Was this the body of a vampire? She flexed her toes and fingers. Was this what being a vampire felt like Could she have been one all along – and never noticed, never thought...
That was what Life’s Blood carriers were, after all. Vampires – or dhampirs, halflings – made human. Kalina thought. Did this mean she could do what she had seen Octavius do – fight hordes, protect herself truly, fend off the enemy? If an average vampire was made more powerful by Life’s Blood, could she not perhaps harness it – use it to her advantage?
She could hear Stuart's silence; his pain was palpable. She turned to him as they rushed over Rutherford. The houses looked so tiny in the distance – was this her old life? So small, so insignificant, in comparison to what had come before?
“Stuart...” she said softly.
“What is it?” He did not look back at her. She knew he was avoiding her gaze, refusing to confront what had happened in the house.
“Stuart, I'm sorry...”
“For what?” His voice was clipped. “You did nothing wrong.”
“I did what I thought would save him.” Her voice rose a notch higher. “Your brother.”
“You did what you could.” He still did not look at her.
“It was the only way I could think of – to get through to him. We share a blood bond. I could hear his thoughts, feel his feelings. He still has feelings for me.”
“I share a blood bond with him too,” said Stuart, a moment too quickly. They settled down by the side of the road with a thud. Kalina regained her balance and they continued walking. “And he loves you very much. I know it too.”
There was silence between them, passing like a shadow. At last Stuart broke it.
“He is trying to fight this,” he said. “To his credit – he is trying. He does not want to be cruel to you. But Life’s Blood...”
“Life' s Blood,” Kalina sighed.
“His love for you has become an obsession – as unquenchable as it is dangerous.”
“I know. And...believe me, I know that! I know the real Jaegar would never do something like that to me. If he weren't under the influence, I wouldn't stand for it. You know that. No girl would – or should! Not like that.”
She wondered if she weren't trying to convince herself, too. She felt the attraction to him even now – the memory of his former self – combined with an irresistible draw towards this new incarnation. She would never act on it – she knew as much – but there was something attractive about Jaegar's obsession with her, his madness – an intensity she had never before experienced. It disgusted her and horrified her; she refused to acknowledge it!
It was only the Life’s Blood that made him cruel – it wasn't his fault. And thus it wasn't her fault, either, if she had felt a spark of electricity when she kissed him again.
“I will not lie to you, Kalina. It did hurt me – to watch. To watch the two of you...” Stuart looked down. “The intensity, it felt real.”
“It had to,” said Kalina. “I used my real sorrow, real love – not romantic, but something – to try to convey to him...to get through to him...”
“I understand,” said Stuart, but she could hear in his voice that understanding was an effort for him. “I know you did it for the right reasons.”
But did he feel it, instinctively? Kalina blushed again. “Even so,” she said, “I shouldn't be kissing him. I know I shouldn't.” She laughed softly to herself. “You're the most noble vampire I know, Stuart. And the kindest. And one of the most noble and kind people I know – I won't dare say you're one up on Justin, but you're awfully close...but I know how it looked to you.”
“You did the right thing,” said Stuart. “The brave thing. You tried to get him to listen to you. You told him to let you free – to move on. And that was the bravest thing you could have done. And his love for you was strong enough to let him give us both time.”
Her heart leaped in spite of herself. Kalina couldn't look at Stuart, couldn't admit that his words had brought up a secret happiness within her. He loved her – and his love was strong... He loved her, and she had said she loved him too! She sighed. Every time she thought she had made a decision, something else came to threaten her complacency. Perhaps that was a natural result of being around so many vampires.
Or of being a vampire.
Kalina turned to Stuart. She sighed. “Stuart,” she said, looking own. “I – I have something for you.” She had kept the ring he had given her – unable to bring herself to pawn it, to confront the reality, or even the possibility, of his imminent death. She dropped the ring into his palm. “I think you'll need this after all, huh?” she said, forcing out a smile. “And I'm so glad of that.” She could see the Life’s Blood, encapsulated within the ring, give his skin a special glow where it touched it.
“So,” said Stuart gravely. “After all that, I didn't even get a chance to thank you”
“Thank me?” Kalina should have laughed. “For what?”
“For saving my life.” Stuart was not smiling. His expression was serious, even severe; his gaze pierced straight into Kalina's soul, and made her feel as if he could see her thoughts.
“For doing what I'm supposed to do, you mean,” said Kalina, trying to lighten the mood with a smile. “For standing up to Jaegar – for the people I care about?” She scoffed. “No, Stuart, don't thank me – please don't thank me. You shouldn't have had to risk your life at all. You shouldn't have had to be there for me in the first place. Whatever was happening with you and Jaegar.”
“Ah, yes, our feud,” said Stuart darkly. He dropped his gaze quickly.
“Your feud – your stupid feud!”
“It has been going on for centuries.”
“You think he killed your father.”
“I know he killed my father.” Stuart sighed. “Our father.”
“But are you sure?” Kalina cut in quickly.
“What do you mean? Of course I'm sure!” Stuart responded almost too quickly. “It must have been him – who else...who else could have....”
“But do you know for sure?”
Stuart conceded there was no proof. “He accuses me of having done it – the nerve.”
Kalina raised her voice softly. “Remember when Maeve was attacked,” she said. “Right after our first date? Remember that?”
“I remember,” said Stuart stiffly.
“I was so sure that it was Jaegar who had done it – he let me think it was. So sure. And then it turned out it wasn't Jaegar after all. It was some random bounty hunter come to get his hands on Life’s Blood – as it turns out. Remember that? I was wrong...”
“I don't see...”
“Maybe you were wrong, too!” Kalina pleaded. “Maybe he wasn't as bad as all that – before...before Mal turned him. And what if he's good – deep down, truly good? He broke through the Life’s Blood for a moment; perhaps that was enough time. Perhaps there is a chance for him after all, for Jaegar to turn back and to break the spell. If we work together -you and me and Jaegar together – we can fight it.”
