Her eyes widened as she exclaimed, "They have doctors for this?" She looked around nervously and nibbled on her bottom lip as she added, "Look, Kellan, if this is something potentially dangerous that neither of us seem to know about, I'm not sure I want to go through with this."
"What?" I looked at her as if she'd just slapped me across the face. "First of all, I think it's pretty common knowledge that they have doctors for this." I looked at her with indignation as I continued, "Why this is news to you, I have no clue; but..." Fuck, I didn't even want to say the words out loud. I threw my hands up, saying, "Listen, its your body, its your right to choose- but don't you think you should take some time before you make a decision like that? I mean, Jesus, Hailey, I don't want to make you feel guilty, but you just found out today and..." I hesitated, wanting to choose my words wisely while still expressing my concern. "You know, this is a permanent decision. Once you've gone through with it, you can't ever take it back." I was getting sick to my stomach.
Hailey's face paled as she said quietly, "But, you said I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. I'm more than willing to try it out for a while, but I don't want to be forced into anything," she said looking at me with pleading eyes.
I placed my hands on my hips, gritting out, "You think I'd force you to do this? And I may be way off base here, but I don't think this is something you just 'try out for a while'." I was fast losing my patience with her ambiguity towards the matter.
She stood to face me, so close I could feel the heat from her skin, but that fire...that fucking fire in her eyes was blazing as she hurled her words at me. "You are making absolutely no sense, Kellan. First you tell me I have a right to choose, then you tell me it may not even be safe...that we should get a doctor's approval first? Then you turn around and tell me if I decide to go through with it, I'm...what- locked in, or something?
"I get it," she said with a sad chuckle, brushing past me to walk towards the door.
I grabbed her by the arm before she could escape, asking, "Where are you going?"
"Look, Kellan, you have my head spinning, here." She looked to the floor then slowly met my eyes; her own filled with disappointment, as she stated blandly, "I'm not sure if you even know when you're lying anymore."
Yeah, the jab spiked my anger and I was cocked, locked and loaded, but there was no way I was about to push her away again. I was sick of us punishing each other over our transgressions. I could empathize with her; a life altering moment took some time to process, and she wasn't thinking clearly. Before she made a decision she may regret for the rest of her life, I needed her to know where I stood with it- at least then maybe I'd be able to come to terms with it eventually, knowing I'd done everything in my power to show her that I honestly had her best interests at heart.
I shook my head back and forth slowly as I implored her, "Don't...go, Hailey. Please. Let's talk this over. Let's make this work...I want this to work so badly, Princess." My eyes were filling with tears as I continued, "I'll support your decision, but fuck, Hailey, I need you to know how I feel; how I truly feel in my heart."
She stood gawking at me as I continued, "I love you, Hailey. If that's not as plain as day at this point, tell me what I can do to prove it to you. I'll do anything. I don't want you," I stated flatly as she gasped. Quickly jumping back in, I said, "I need you. You...you're it for me. I'll take you anyway I can get you, sweetheart, but before you do something rash, I want you to know that I want you both."
I scrubbed my hand over my eyes, ridding the moisture that had nearly spilled over. "I realize I don't get a say in this, but don't lump me in with some guy who could care less about the two of you, and would probably be more than fine if you went through with this."
I pulled her back flush against me chest, sliding my hands to rest over her abdomen as I whispered into her ear, "A few hours ago, if you would have told me this, I may have run for the hills, but I told you- I'm done running." Her breathing became heavier and she relaxed into me. I needed to keep pressing forward. "Stay here with me, give it a day or two. This..." I massaged her stomach as I continued, "This child is a part of you, and without him or her, I'd feel like I was losing a part of you. I want you, I want Andrew, and believe it or not, if some asshole wants to denounce his rights, I promise you, Hailey, I will love this child as my own," I swore with every fiber of my being.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Hailey
I stepped out of the calming cocoon of Kellan's embrace, slowly turning to face him as I stood staring at him speechless for a beat. "Come again?" I finally stated, my voice coming out a bit shaky.
He stepped towards me, and I held my hands up, taking a step further back from him. He bowed his head and rubbed the back of his neck before he spoke, his voice weary. "Look, Hailey, this isn't just lip-service. I get it if you don't trust me- hell, I've fucked up so many times, I'm surprised you're even standing in front of me right now." He refused to look me in the eye as he continued, "I don't know how else to make you understand."
He finally brought his eyes to mine, his deep brown eyes, filled with conflict, and pain shadowing his face as he said, "I just..." he sighed before continuing, "Since I found out about Andrew, I've done a lot of soul searching. I mean, that's my son, Hailey...he's a part of me. How I could love someone I've never met is beyond me, but I do...I already do. And you have to know, please tell me you know that I love you- that I've always loved you, and always will. Your child is a piece of you, and I love everything that is you; every particle of you. I know this sounds absurd, but..."
I held my hand up to halt him as I quickly cut him off. He stared at me blankly as I said, "You think I'm...pregnant?" Time came to a standstill as we both stared at each other, unblinking for a bit before he volleyed his eyes from mine to my stomach.
"You...you said you were," he stammered. My eyes went wide as he ushered his hand towards me. "You said you and Michael...you said you didn't want him to be a part of this. You said he..."
"Oh my God, Kellan! What in the hell have we been discussing all night?" my voice rose. "I came here to tell you that Michael and I talked at lunch today. Jesus." He stared at me, as if he was unaffected. I sighed and huffed out, "I thought he had some sort of connection with Leila." No response.
I continued, "I'd seen her at his office before, I had no idea who she was, no idea she had anything to do with you until she'd shown up with the band. I had scattered pieces of a puzzle and I confronted Michael about it. I found out that she was his patient, he'd treated her in rehab." His brows rose but I forged on, "He knew about you from what she'd told him while she was there. He knew of you; and then..." my voice trailed off as I suddenly got nervous to admit that I'd spoken to Michael about him. I summoned the courage to explain further, "And then, I'd spoken to Michael about you...about us."
I winced as his jaw ticked, his eyes becoming filled with anger. "When? Before or after Jordan?"
I bowed my head, ashamed to look him in the eye; ashamed of myself for grieving the loss of Kellan while I was still married to Jordan; ashamed for grieving the loss of Kellan more than the loss of my own husband. "Both," I admitted softly. "He concluded on his own that Leila and I were both involved with you, but felt it wasn't his place to say anything to either of us."
"So why would he tell you out of the blue now?" Kellan asked, clearly agitated.
"I told you, I confronted him about it. Believe it or not, he's a good man- he was only trying to help."
Kellan scoffed, "So you thought you needed some random guy that happens to have a fucking certificate on his wall, who knows dick about me to...what...give you some sort of justification, a reason to convince me that I need to do the right thing?" I shrugged, feeling guilty for going behind Kellan's back. "Why didn't you just come to me?"
I stared at him blankly before I stammered, "I...I thought..."
"No, you didn't think, Hailey. I'm not the same man I used to be. I was a fucking punk kid who thought the world owed m
e a favor," he huffed out.
"Why'd you push me away then?" I whispered.
"Why do you think? I had just found out I had a kid, you had just lost Jordan; Jesus, Hailey, I was trying to protect you," he stated with exasperation.
I shook my head back and forth, saying, "I meant, why did you leave me?" Tears pooled in my eyes as the pain of three years without him washed over me like a surging wave. "I needed you," I sobbed. "We had it all planned; you asked me to go with you. You made me believe I was special to you. You made me believe in forever, and then you just...vanished," I cried out.
Kellan stalked up to me, pointing in my face as he gritted out, "Don't you fucking dare pin that on me. I heard you- I heard you and Georgia, and I wasn't about to be left standing around with my thumb up my ass, waiting for you to make a decision while you got your shit sorted out."
My hand flew to my mouth and I shook my head furiously. Nonononono... Oh, God, all these years he'd thought I'd abandoned him. All of it, and none of it made sense, at the same time. "Tell me what you heard, Kellan," I urged him.
"What do you mean? You fuckin' said it...I heard what you said."
Tears spilled over my lashes as I sank to the floor, slumping against the wall, and wrapping my arms around myself. "You misunderstood, Kellan."
"Get the fuck outta here," he said dismissively.
"What you heard...I can see why you thought what you thought. But I was telling Georgia that you and I were leaving...together. She wanted me to stay, finish school. I told her it could wait, that you were more important to me, and school would be there when...whenever- it didn't matter to me; I just wanted you!" I felt like I was going to vomit, and it sure as hell wasn't because I was pregnant. Until tonight, I hadn't been with anyone since Jordan, and he and I weren't ready to start a family, we'd used precautions. In hindsight, it was probably the only truly wise decision I had made in years.
Kellan shuffled over to the bed and sat in a daze as I croaked out, "When you left...it destroyed me, Kellan. It destroyed us."
He looked at me with regret filled eyes as he said, "I'd never felt so much pain in all my life. Hailey, losing you was nearly my undoing." He stood and came to kneel in front of me, taking my hands in his as he spoke through his own tears, "It hurt like fucking hell." I nodded, knowing exactly how he felt. "But look at us. We're here- right where we belong; together. It tried to destroy us. We tried to destroy us. Don't you see?" he implored me. "Without night, there can't be day. Without darkness, there can't be..."
"Light," I whispered.
His lips lifted into a small smile as I stared at him speculatively. He continued, "My heart was frozen solid before I met you, Hailey, and when we collided, you consumed me. I melted into you, and we became one. We're like..."
"Fire..." I breathed.
He smiled broadly and finished my sentiment, "And ice."
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Nine Months Later
Kellan
I tiptoed back into the bedroom, careful to avoid the floorboard that never fails to creak when stepped upon. I cautiously and quietly shut the door behind me and locked it. Turning around, I found Hailey smiling at me, looking to me expectantly.
"Well?" she asked with a hopeful gleam in her eyes.
I gave her the thumbs up, saying, "He's out cold, we're good...for now."
She squirmed anxiously on the bed, and I leapt onto the mattress, landing next her as she began to giggle. "Shh," I held my finger up to my lips. "If he hears you, you're making him breakfast- so good luck with that."
Hailey cocked a brow, retorting, "Fine, you can brush his teeth- good luck with that."
She had me there; Andrew hated getting his teeth brushed and put up a good fight every time he saw either of us reach for the toothpaste. You'd be surprised how strong a 2-year-old kid can be. It's like wrestling with a two hundred pound man.
Breakfast is fun...not. He's whiney in the morning, so generally shoots down every option we offer him, which starts off with a plethora of cereals, then onto fruit; we rattle of a buffet of hearty cooked items- pancakes (which Hailey always burns), eggs, bacon, etc. Inevitably, he ends up picking cereal, which is what we offered him in the first place. And believe me, we've tried reverse psychology, starting with things we know he won't pick to begin with, and ending at cereal; the kid really is too smart for his own age. He'll be three in a few months, and I have no idea what to expect. Andrew definitely keeps us on our toes. I absolutely give Leila props for being a single mother and raising him on her own before I'd stepped up to the plate.
He generally stays with us from Friday to Sunday night. It sure as hell wasn't an easy transition for any of us at the beginning. In all fairness, Leila had a right to be angry with me. But once I'd owned up to her, and suggested we act like adults, leaving the courts out of our personal lives, and come to a mutual agreement on our own, though skeptical at first, she finally set her anger aside in order to do what was best for Andrew; what was best for all of us.
Hailey and I had committed to being with each other, and I had committed to being the best father I could be for Andrew. Hailey and I wanted to spend as much time as we could with him, not only to make up for lost time, but also to give Leila a well-earned break from the difficulties of single parenting.
I proposed we share visitation (Me having him 3 days, Leila having him 4 days, and every other week we'd switch). I assumed this would be favorable to her, but her look of dissention when I had thrown the seemingly fair proposal on the table, thinking she would enjoy the time each week to decompress, was a clear indication she wasn't about to let that happen.
Seems mama bears are particularly protective of their young; a concept I can absolutely grasp now that we've been down this road.
She had several valid points:
I hadn't even met Andrew, though I was dying to, but she preferred we come to a solid agreement before we were all suddenly catapulted into each other's lives.
I had not even held a baby, or a small child at any point in my life that I could remember. I'd never even babysat before. The practice was even a bit foreign to Hailey, though women tend to have some sort of innate sense when it comes to childcare.
Leila had been caring for Andrew from the moment he'd been born, with minimal help from family, and when she worked, she had a trustworthy friend come over and sit with him. Since she worked nights, Andrew was already asleep before she would leave for work, and she was home before he woke in the morning. Her friend would sleep over, and basically had the job of peeking in on him to make sure he was still breathing, and ensuring she'd rescue him if the apartment building suddenly caught on fire. I'm not even sure Andrew knew the woman existed. Leila wasn't about to let the equivalent of a stranger swoop in and take her child away for a few days a week, simply for the sake of getting some down time. Though there are plenty of things I could say against Leila, her love for her child trumps them all.
Hailey and I both worked at the bar six days a week; usually putting in at least 14-16 hour days. Sundays we closed earlier, so we got a bit of a reprieve. An effective owner is a present owner. We close at 2 a.m. and until we get the bar cleaned up and closed for the night, we fall into bed around 3-4 a.m. and get up anywhere from 9-10 a.m. to do it all over again the next day.
Andrew is up almost every morning by 7 a.m. and goes to bed for the night around 8 p.m. There was no way I'd be able to survive on three hours of sleep a night, even if it was only a few days a week.
Leila's hours afforded her the opportunity to spend his waking hours with him, put him to bed before she had to be at work with the band, hire a sitter to watch him while she was working, and still hit the sack by midnight. Not that she ever got to 'sleep' in, but at least she wasn't dragging ass all day.
If I had him part-time, I may as well not have had him at all; I'd be running on fumes with just a couple of hours of sleep, and I couldn't very well set up a playroom in my office and lock him in there for the day. A bar
is no place for a kid to be.
So clearly, we were all going to have to shift some things around to make this work for everyone involved.
Leila offered to let me have Andrew one day a week for a trial period of three months, providing I take the day off work. She suggested, if all went well, after the three month trial period, I could have him stay with me two days a week, with the same provisions, and then assuming Andrew became adjusted to the new living environment, after six months, she would allow me to have him three days a week. That was her final offer, take it or leave it.
So, I took it. Her only stipulation: I was to take Andrew on one of her nights off, so she could finally, after more than two years of dedicating herself solely to Andrew, relax, clean, shop, read a book with a glass of wine...whatever- she simply wanted one day a week to herself. I couldn't blame her for that. We settled on Sunday, since the band didn't play Sunday nights. And we eventually settled on taking Andrew from mid-day Friday to Sunday night, to avoid shuffling him back and forth on random days of the week. Though he spent his days at either one house or the other, we both wanted him to have as much routine in his life as possible.
Fire and Ice: Rekindled (The Fire and Ice Series Book 2) Page 17
