Evernight With Bonus Materials

by Claudia Gray

  We walked on for a while after that, Balthazar lost in his thoughts, and me lost in mine. Our feet kicked up small plumes of fresh snow as we left the only footprints in a still sea of white. Finally I got up the courage to ask Balthazar what was really on my mind. “If you could go back, would you bring them with you? Your family?”

  I thought he might say yes, that he would do anything to have them with him. I thought he might say no, that he couldn’t have brought himself to kill them, no matter what. Either answer would tell me a lot about how long grief lasted, how long I would have to endure the misery of having lost Lucas. I didn’t expect Balthazar to stop in his tracks and give me a hard stare.

  “If I could go back,” he said, “I’d die with my parents.”

  “What?” I was too stunned to come up with any other response.

  Balthazar stepped closer and laid a leather-gloved hand on my cheek. His touch wasn’t loving, like Lucas’s. He was trying to wake me up to something, to make me see. “You’re alive, Bianca. You still can’t appreciate what it means, to be alive. It’s better than being a vampire—better than anything else in the world. I remember a little of what being alive was like, and if I could touch that again, even for a day, it would be worth anything in the world. Even dying again, forever. All the centuries I’ve known and all the marvels I’ve seen don’t compare to being alive. Why do you think the vampires here are so vicious to the human students?”

  “Because—well, they’re snobs, I guess—”

  “That’s not it. It’s jealousy.” We looked at each other in silence for a long moment before he added, “Enjoy life while you have it. Because it doesn’t last—not for vampires, not for anyone.”

  Nobody had ever said anything like this to me. My parents didn’t wish they were still alive—did they? They’d never spoken a word about it. And Courtney, Erich, Patrice, Ranulf: Were they all wishing to be human after all?

  Perhaps recognizing my doubt, Balthazar said, “You don’t believe me.”

  “It’s not that. I know you’re telling me the truth. You wouldn’t lie to me about anything important. That’s not the kind of person you are.”

  Balthazar nodded, a slow half smile playing across his lips, and I felt like I’d said more than I meant to say. The hopeful light in his eyes now was something I hadn’t seen since the night of the Autumn Ball, before I’d let him down.

  What bothered me more, though, was the fact that what I’d said was true. Balthazar really wouldn’t lie to me about anything important, even when that truth was difficult for me to hear. He was a trustworthy person—a good person. I wished I could’ve been as good a person, someone who would have put other people’s interests first, one who would have deserved Lucas’s trust.

  Then I thought, Maybe it’s not too late.

  After we returned to the school, our footprints winding a track all around the grounds, I waved good-bye to Balthazar and hurried upstairs to the computer lab. Luckily, the door was unlocked. As I waited for my computer to boot up, I remembered the print of Klimt’s Kiss above my bed. Those two lovers held each other for eternity, two parts of the same whole, fused together in a mosaic of pink and gold.

  If you loved someone, you couldn’t let lies come between you. No matter what happened—even if you’d already lost each other forever—you owed each other the truth.

  With trembling fingers, I typed in Lucas’s e-mail address and put as the subject line “and nothing but the truth.” Then I started typing, spilling out everything I’d held back from him all this time. As quickly and simply as I could, I told him that what he’d seen that night was real.

  That I was a vampire, born to two other vampires and destined to become like them someday.

  That Evernight was full of vampires, that the school existed for us to teach us about the changing world and to protect us from people who were frightened of us because they didn’t understand.

  That I’d bitten him the night of the Autumn Ball, not meaning to hurt him but because I’d wanted to be near him so much.

  The words gushed out of me. It was a mess, really; I’d never tried to tell these secrets before and I kept repeating myself, putting things badly, or asking questions I wasn’t sure of the answer to. That didn’t matter. What mattered was telling Lucas the truth at last.

  Finally, I wrote:

  I’m not telling you all of this because I expect to get you back. I know I don’t deserve that, not after what I did, and even though you’re not in danger at Evernight, I guess you don’t want to come anywhere near the school ever again.

  Mostly I’m writing to ask you, please, if you haven’t already told anyone what you saw here, don’t. Don’t show anyone this e-mail. Keep this secret for me. If the truth got out, my parents and Balthazar and a lot of the other students would be in danger, and it would be all my fault. I couldn’t bear it if I were responsible for hurting anybody.

  I didn’t tell any of them that you saw me and Erich up on the roof. I did that to keep you safe. You can do that much for me in return, right? That’s all I ask. Maybe it’s more than I deserve, but it’s not about me. It’s about the people who could get hurt.

  I also wanted you to know that I do care enough about you to tell you the truth. I’m sorry that I waited until too late. But I hope it means something to you when you understand how I really feel.

  I’ll never stop missing you.

  Good-bye, Lucas.

  Before I could talk myself out of it, I quickly hit Send. As soon as I’d done it, a chill swept through me. What if Lucas didn’t listen to me? What if the e-mail I’d sent didn’t convince him to remain silent—but instead just provided him with evidence?

  Maybe I should have regretted it, but I didn’t. Maybe Lucas couldn’t trust me any longer, but I still trusted him.

  I didn’t really expect Lucas to answer. However, expectations are different from hopes. I kept rechecking my e-mail that whole next day, and the next, and then throughout Christmas Day, whenever I could slip away from the unwrapping of gifts.

  No answer from Lucas.

  New Year’s Day. Nothing.

  I’d told myself that the truth was worth telling for its own sake, and I believed it. But that didn’t make it any easier to face the fact that my confession had meant nothing. Lucas was still gone for good.

  Chapter Twelve

  WHEN THE STUDENTS RETURNED TO THE school, I stood on the front steps, hoping to see a friendly face. I knew Lucas wouldn’t return. Although I kept fantasizing that I saw him, it was just my imagination playing cruel tricks. In some ways, I told myself, today would be a turning point. When Lucas didn’t show, I’d at least be certain. Instead of torturing myself with useless wishes for something that couldn’t be, I could face the hard facts and force myself to keep going.

  If I was going to do that, I’d need the few friends I still had at Evernight.

  I glimpsed Raquel making her way through the crowd, huddled over and nervous. I realized why she was so nervous when I turned my head and saw Erich watching her intently from the top of the steps. Quickly I went to her side and shouldered one of her bags. “You came back,” I said. “I wasn’t sure you would.”

  “I didn’t want to.” Raquel kept staring down at her feet. “No offense. I would’ve missed you. But I didn’t want to see him again.” There was no need to explain who she was talking about.

  “Didn’t you tell your parents?” I’d figured they would call Mrs. Bethany, furious that Erich hadn’t been expelled, and maybe withdraw Raquel from the academy altogether.

  She shrugged. “They thought I was making a big deal out of nothing. They always do.”

  I remembered how moved Raquel had been when I’d said that I believed her; now I understood why. “I’m sorry.”

  “Whatever. I’m back. I have to deal. Besides, I lost my favorite bracelet here right before the break. Had to come back to find that, at least.”

  I glanced over my shoulder at Erich. His dark eyes remained lo
cked on us. When he saw me watching him, one corner of his mouth lifted in a smirk. Disgusted, I turned my head back toward the crowd—

  Lucas.

  No. It couldn’t be. It was just my imagination trying to fool me again, so that I’d get my hopes up. There was no way Lucas would ever come back to Evernight, not after what he’d seen and what I’d told him.

  But then the crowds parted, and I saw him clearly, and I realized that I was right. Lucas had returned.

  There he was, just a few steps away. He looked scruffier than he had before—his bronze hair unruly, his threadbare navy sweater more beat-up than his Evernight uniform was. On him, it looked amazing.

  I brightened when I saw him; I couldn’t help it. As soon as our eyes met, Lucas turned away, like he didn’t know what else to do. It felt like a slap in the face.

  My first impulse was to drop Raquel’s bag and flee to the restroom before I started bawling right there on the steps. But that second, a plaid blur raced by me and tackled Lucas from behind. “Lucas!” crowed Vic. “My man! You’re back.”

  “Get off me.” Lucas laughed as he pushed Vic away.

  “Check it out.” Vic fished in his backpack and pulled out an honest-to-God pith helmet, like they used to wear in old safari movies. He showed it to me and Lucas both; apparently Vic hadn’t realized that we weren’t standing together. “How great is that?”

  “You’re never going to get away with wearing that to class,” I said, pretending that everything was okay. Maybe Lucas would pretend, too, and that would give me an opening to talk to him. “They let you wear the Chucks, but I think a pith helmet is pushing it.”

  “I intend to wear it around Casa del Lucas y Victor.” Vic placed the hat on his head to demonstrate. “For casual relaxation and study time. Whattaya think, Lucas?”

  Nobody answered. Lucas had already vanished into the crowd.

  Vic turned back to me, clearly confused by his roommate’s disappearing act. I was confused, too—but I couldn’t imagine why Lucas had come back at all.

  Obviously it was going to take Lucas a while before he could talk to me again. Given what he’d learned about me, Evernight, and vampires, I figured he probably deserved as much time as he needed. Until then, there was nothing for me to do but wait.

  A couple of days later, as I got ready for class, I pretended to be really fascinated by Patrice’s tales of her Swiss holiday.

  “I’m always shocked that there are people who claim to prefer skiing in Colorado.” Patrice wrinkled her nose. Did she honestly think every place in America was tacky? Or was she compensating for something, pretending to be more sophisticated than she really was? Now that I kept so many secrets myself, I was starting not to take everyone at face value. “Switzerland is so much more civilized, I think. And you meet a more interesting cross section of people.”

  “I don’t like skiing,” I said blithely as I brushed on my mascara. “Snowboarding’s more exciting.”

  “What?” Patrice just stared at me. I’d never dared disagree with any of her opinions before. Even on a subject as unimportant as skiing versus snowboarding, apparently, she didn’t like being contradicted.

  Before I could state my case, the door burst open. It was Courtney, who actually looked rumpled—Courtney, who had perfectly polished hair and makeup even when you ran into her in the bathroom at two A.M. “Have you guys seen Erich?”

  “Erich?” Patrice raised an eyebrow. “I don’t remember inviting him to my bedroom. Did you, Bianca?”

  “Not last night, anyway.”

  “Cut the sarcasm, okay?” Courtney snapped. “I would think you’d care that one of your classmates is missing. Somebody runs away, and you act like it’s a big joke. Genevieve’s crying her eyes out over here.”

  “Wait, Erich’s missing?” Raquel appeared in the doorway, along with a couple of the other students, all in various stages of readiness for class. The news was traveling fast.

  “You know his roommate, David? He only just got back today.” Courtney’s concern, I noticed, wasn’t too deep for her to enjoy being the center of attention. With relish, she continued, “David says that Erich’s room looks like it’s been ransacked. The place is completely trashed! And there’s no sign of Erich at all. He and Genevieve were supposed to hang out this weekend, and now she’s crushed.”

  “We’ll only laugh silently from now on,” Raquel promised, obviously not that worried about Erich. Who could blame her? Courtney scowled at us, then flounced out again.

  Later that morning, on the way to our first class, Raquel muttered, “I just bet Genevieve hates missing out on that prime opportunity for date rape.”

  “I guess Erich got sick of school,” I said. “I hear that every year, a lot of students leave before the term is up.” Of course, I knew that Erich had been just one of the dozens of vampires who came to Evernight to learn the ropes of the modern day, got bored with being treated like a student, and took off to amuse himself elsewhere. Or maybe Mrs. Bethany had seen the danger in him that I had seen, and she’d ordered him to leave the premises immediately.

  “The students who escape are the smart ones. Which makes me surprised that Erich was the first to leave.” Raquel paused. “They seem awfully sure that he ran away, given that he didn’t talk to anybody about it. And you’d think he would’ve cut out over Christmas break, if he was going to go. Do you think the cops are coming? They ought to at least be asking us questions.”

  “Probably he just called his parents to come pick him up, ship him off to some other fancy boarding school. Mrs. Bethany knows all about it, I’m sure. Courtney’s just being a drama queen.”

  “Yeah, that wouldn’t be a surprise. And he’s just the kind of jerk who’d trash his room before he left to make a mess somebody else would have to clean up.” But Raquel didn’t appear to be convinced. “They should be asking questions, though. The teachers, and maybe even the cops.”

  “Everybody just found out.” The whole subject made me uneasy. “Give it time.”

  “People at this school act like it’s no big deal when a student disappears.” Shaking her head, Raquel said, “What I said last semester goes double now. I am never coming back here next year.”

  I wondered if that was what Erich had said.

  Everyone behaved strangely the rest of the day. Students were distracted in class, placing bets about where Erich had gone. David pointed out that Erich had taken all his books and papers but left his clothes behind—pretty much the opposite of his usual priorities. I kept waiting for Mrs. Bethany to call an assembly and offer some kind of explanation, but she never did.

  That night, I found myself hanging out in the turret stairwell, the one with narrow windows one brick wide that provided the best view of the gravel pathway that led from the main road to the school. I didn’t expect to see Erich down there, but all the same, I was waiting for something.

  “So, I guess the police won’t come.”

  I turned from the window to see Lucas standing a few steps behind me. He wore the black version of the uniform, and the light from the next story’s hallway silhouetted him so sharply that I couldn’t make out his face. Only his outline was clear—his broad shoulders, the way he leaned against the stone wall of the stairwell. All my fear melted away into longing.

  When I answered him, the words came out slightly breathless. “No. Mrs. Bethany wouldn’t call the police. It would attract the wrong kind of attention.”

  “But there’s no worry that one of the—one of the ‘rich kids’ got him.”

  “No, Erich was as much of a ‘rich kid’ as anyone else here.”

  Lucas took one step closer to me, and now I could see his face despite the shadows. All the hours I’d spent missing him over Christmas seemed to well up inside me at once, and I wanted so badly to put my hand on his cheek or lay my head against his shoulder. But I didn’t. There was a barrier between us now, one that might never go away.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t answer your e-mail bef
ore,” Lucas said. “I was—in shock, I guess.”

  “I don’t blame you.” My heart beat faster.

  Lucas said only, “We ought to talk. Alone.”

  If he trusted me enough to be alone with me, even knowing that I was the one who had bitten him, then there was a chance for us after all. I tried to sound calm as I said, “I know a place. Come there with me?”

  “Lead the way,” Lucas said, and I dared to let myself hope.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “WHERE ARE WE HEADED?” LUCAS ASKED AS I LED him up the back staircase.

  “The north tower. Above and behind the guys’ dorm. It’s just storage up there—we can be alone.”

  “Isn’t there someplace else we could go?”

  My heart sank. He didn’t trust me enough to be alone with me, maybe. “I think this is the only place we can be sure of having some privacy. If you’d rather—I don’t know, wait until daylight or something—”

  “No, it’s all right.” Lucas sounded wary, like it wasn’t all right at all, but he kept walking behind me. I guessed that was as much as I could hope for.

  Students usually left the back staircase alone, mostly because it was close to the faculty apartments. The rest of the faculty, of course, were other vampires—mostly very powerful vampires. Maybe students like Vic and Raquel didn’t know that difference between the students and teachers, but they certainly felt it. At my old school, people snarked at the teachers all the time, but at Evernight, everyone—human and vampire alike—gave the teachers respect. Some of the teachers, like my parents, lived in the other tower, but most of them lived here. I suspected that Lucas and I were the first ones to make our way up past the faculty apartments all year.

  Our footsteps clattered against the stone, but nobody seemed to hear us. I hoped not, anyway. This was the last conversation I’d ever want anybody to overhear.

  “How do you know about this place? Do you come up here sometimes?” Lucas still seemed uncomfortable.