I let the bag fall and gripped at my hair. My jaw wavered as I seethed, “You weren’t there.”
“Where?”
A pained laugh crept up my throat. “Where?” I threw my hands in the direction of her window as if the cemetery were right there. “I just buried my dad, Leighton. And you weren’t fucking there.”
“Sawyer.” She rose to her knees and reached a hand toward me before covering her mouth with it. “Sawyer, oh God. I forgot—I don’t know what I was thinking. I can’t believe I missed it, I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, it seems to be a theme with you lately.” I tossed a hand at the food and said, “But I won’t bury you too. So, eat.”
“What?” Something like a laugh left her, but it was frantic, and panic filled her eyes. “You won’t.”
“Enough,” I yelled. “Enough with the bullshit. Enough with the lies. You can’t do this anymore, not after what I just saw.” I pointed to the mirror. “That isn’t from some diet, and I feel like I’ve failed you in the worst way for not making it a point to know that you were doing this to yourself before now. But after everything we’ve been through, I trusted you not to lie to me.” My eyes ran over her and my voice came out strained when I said, “You’re starving yourself and it’s gonna kill you.”
Another frantic laugh slipped from her, and it about slayed me. “I’m not.”
“Leighton, I thought you were covering yourself because you were struggling with the way you looked, and I couldn’t figure out why you couldn’t see yourself the way I did. I believed you when you explained in detail a diet that would not have you looking the way I just saw. I believed you when you said your exhaustion was because you were studying longer and harder.” The first tears slipped down my face when I said, “Baby, you’re killing yourself, and I let it happen because I believed every one of your lies.”
“I didn’t,” she said quickly, dismissively. “I’m not.”
I nodded toward the burger. “Then eat.”
Her attention darted between the food and me a few times, her mouth opened for a moment before she finally attempted to speak. “I don’t—”
“Eat, Leighton!”
She jolted back at the booming demand, then reached hesitantly for the burger. After unwrapping it, she turned it around and around in her hands before lifting off the top bun.
“No. No, just take a damn bite.”
Her head slowly lowered until her chin was tucked against her chest. If she was attempting to hide the way it trembled, I’d already seen it. If she was trying to hide her tears, I saw those too.
After agonizing minutes passed of her staring at the food like it had the ability to destroy her, she finally pinched off a microscopic piece and put it in her mouth.
I shut my eyes against the stinging there and begged, “Take a bite.”
Even when she finally did, the relief never came, because it was such a small bite and she immediately tried to put the rest of the burger down.
“Eat half of it.” When her head started wildly shaking, I hurried to concede, “Then a quarter. Eat a quarter of it. Jesus Christ, it’s a kids-sized burger.”
By the time she took another bite, she was violently shaking and sobbing.
By the time she’d finished a quarter of the burger, it’d been nearly ten minutes since she’d begun.
She dropped the rest of it as if it had burned her, and choked on a body-racking sob.
And I just stood there, lost in what to do.
My world had been ripped out from under me when my dad had unexpectedly died. I’d needed the girl in front of me to get through it, and she hadn’t been there.
But as I watched her break, I realized I was the one who hadn’t been there for her.
I’d worried about her—we all had. I’d been terrified that she was pushing herself too hard with school and was too focused on a diet she didn’t need to be on in the first place. Emberly and I had even wondered if she’d started doing drugs when she began pushing us all away. But if I would have done this a long time ago, I would have known it went so far beyond that. I would’ve been able to do something sooner.
My heart lurched when her hand flew to her mouth and she heaved a split second before she scrambled off the bed and ran for her bathroom.
I ran in there after her and watched in defeat and anguish as she threw up the small amount she’d eaten, shuddering and crying the entire time.
I don’t remember when or how I ended up on the floor, only that I was there with tears streaming down my face as I held her tightly-curled body against my chest.
“I’m gonna help you,” I murmured. “I swear I’ll help you through this.”
“I’m fine,” she said confidently. “I have it handled.”
My head dropped back against the cupboards and I clenched my jaw against the new wave of pain. Because there was no doubt in my mind that she believed what she was saying. “Leighton, you don’t and you aren’t. You’ve been on a path to destroy everything about you that I cherish and crave, and now you’re set on killing yourself.”
Frustration burst from her and she pushed against my chest when she said, “Stop saying that. I’m fine.”
“What makes it worse is you really think that.” Her pushes were weak at best, but I still allowed her to move away from me. When she was seated up against her tub, facing me, I asked, “Where did I go wrong that you thought you needed to do this to yourself?”
Just as fast as it appeared, her anger vanished and she crumpled. “No—you didn’t. You did nothing wrong.” Heavy tears fell from her eyes as her head shook. “But you don’t know what it’s like being with you and trying to be good enough for you. Trying to be what you deserve.”
I forced a hand through my hair and sneered, “Jesus, this again. Leighton, why—”
“You’re the only one who doesn’t see it, Sawyer,” she cried out. “A girl like me doesn’t belong with a guy like you.”
“Says who?” I demanded. “Because I’m pretty damn sure I’ve only ever wanted to belong to you.”
“Says everyone. Your name is said like a prayer in this town, but then it’s always, ‘Sawyer’s overweight girlfriend this,’ or ‘Sawyer’s fat girlfriend that.’”
“That isn’t true.”
“Of course it’s true,” she yelled. “It’s just that no one is stupid enough to say it in front of you.” Her chest heaved with a sharp sob. “And I don’t want you to ever see what they see. I don’t want the day to come when you look at me and realize, ‘Yeah, I want something better.’”
Shock and denial cut through me. “You think I would do that?”
“Girls practically fall at your feet, Sawyer.”
“You think I would do that?” I asked again, this time harder. When she didn’t respond, I forced out a dull laugh. “I’ve known you my entire life. I’ve been with you since we were thirteen. I wouldn’t care what you looked like, it’s you that I want. You used to know that, but you’ve gotten so far deep in your own head, you can’t see that anymore. And for you to get to a place where you’d actually believe I would leave you for someone else because of looks? For you to get to a place where you’d starve yourself so you could be what I deserve? Leighton, I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
Her body curled in on itself as her sobs filled the bathroom.
“If I’m why you’re doing this, then I’ll leave if it means you’ll stop.” Saying the words, just the thought of it, shredded my soul. But I knew I would do it in a heartbeat. “I’ll step back.”
“What?” Her head shot up as if she’d just realized what I was saying. “Sawyer, no.”
“You’re destroying yourself, and you’re using me as the reason,” I said through clenched teeth. “I need to take that reason away if there’s even a chance it will make you want to keep yourself alive.”
“No. No, no, Sawyer, please, no.”
“You’re tying my hands,” I argued.
“Sawyer, I l
ove you,” she cried as her body shook mercilessly.
I clenched my jaw and studied her. When I was sure I had a handle on everything, I said, “I cherish you.”
Her head fell to her hands and her shoulders jerked with the force of her cries.
“Somewhere along the way, you forgot that,” I whispered. “Somewhere, you forgot me. It’s always been you, Leighton, and it will always be you.” I reached forward to grab one of her hands and gripped it in mine. “I will be here every day with food. I will help you overcome this. I will help you find you again.”
“I am me,” she argued weakly.
“If you still were, you wouldn’t question why I want you. If you still were, you wouldn’t have let months go by without getting on me for cussing. You wouldn’t have pulled away from me and shut me out and lied to me for longer than I know. You wouldn’t be trying to take you away from me forever.”
She rocked forward until her head was pressed to my chest, and I sat there with her, holding her as she let out all her pain and grief.
When her tears ran dry, I repeated my earlier words. “I’ll be here with food. Every day. But until we’ve fixed this destructive thought process, I can’t risk putting you down this path again by being with you.”
Before she could protest, and before I could think on any of the hundred reasons to stay, I pressed a kiss to her head and untangled myself from her, then left my reason for breathing behind.
Chapter 20
Rae
I shifted my fingers through my thick hair, fluffing as I went, then twisted to look at myself in the full-length mirror.
Hair . . . perfect.
Makeup . . . flawless.
Outfit . . . favorite casual.
All I needed was a fucking tiara, and I could conquer the world.
Or, at least, the next few chapters of this manuscript.
Sometimes, you just needed to put on red lipstick and your favorite outfit. Considering my everyday wardrobe consisted of yoga pants, comfy shirts, and little-to-no makeup, I felt like nothing could touch me when I actually took the time to get ready.
My fingers always flew across my keyboard, the words flowing and leaving me on such a high for hours after.
And today? After the emotional highs and lows with Sawyer and the parts of my life I had shared with him when I’d never shared any of my past before . . . I needed that rush.
I needed to feel empowered and unstoppable.
I needed to feel like me again.
Not the version of me who melted for a man and showed vulnerabilities.
Even though I was ninety-nine percent certain the next time I was in his arms, I would do just that. Because Sawyer was the kind of guy I wrote about. He was the guy who could change everything—he already had.
Grabbing my purse filled with work essentials, I left the room and took my time walking down the hall and stairs, my mind filled with Sawyer and our conversations.
I knew I was confusing and frustrating him. I knew I was driving him crazy. But the simple truth of it all was I was frustrated with myself for falling for him and worried about what it meant that I couldn’t stay away from him.
Don’t fall in love with me.
It was a warning I gave every man I’d been with. Once. That’s all that was necessary. There were no hard or meaningful discussions. There was no confusion . . . usually.
But I’d known, somehow, from the beginning that Sawyer was different. Maybe it was the way he kept coming back to me, even in his anger. Or maybe it was the way chaos erupted inside me whenever I saw him.
I’d known he would, and I’d known it would be a problem all too soon.
I just hadn’t realized the biggest problem of all would be that I’d fall too.
I should have pushed him away from the beginning. I should have stayed away. But now we were at a point where neither were an option even though that voice in my head desperately screamed for me to continue trying whenever we were together.
Confusing? Yes.
Frustrating? Absolutely.
But it was terrifying falling for someone when you’ve spent your adult life running from the notion.
It was horrifying when your childhood consisted of being shown that you meant nothing to anyone and I love you meant goodbye.
I turned away from the front door and headed toward the kitchen when I heard music playing and laughter filtering from that direction and found Savannah and the kids in there.
Ingredients, bowls, and measuring cups littered one of the marble islands.
A small laugh slipped past my lips when Savannah started singing to her kids, dancing along to the beat while holding her belly.
“Miss Rae!” her daughter cried out and jumped off the stool to run toward me, her younger brother following closely behind.
Savannah whirled around, her strikingly beautiful face falling into a mixture of surprise and remorse just as her kids barreled into me.
“Oh! Rae, hi. I figured—I didn’t realize you were here.”
I paused in my awkward hello to the kids who I really didn’t know how to interact with whenever they practically attacked me, as they had nearly every time I’d seen them, and wondered if I wasn’t supposed to be there.
Savannah waved off whatever expression she saw on my face. “You’re more than welcome anywhere in the house all hours of the day. I just figured you’d left with Sawyer since he was gone when we got back.”
My brows lifted at that.
I hadn’t realized she’d known he was coming over.
There really were no secrets in this town.
I cleared my throat and nodded behind me, in the direction of the entryway. “He got a call for a job. He left a while ago.”
Right about the time we’d started kissing again and he’d rolled over and pressed his body to mine.
Not that I was bitter or anything . . . anymore. I had my red lipstick on.
Savannah nodded as she fixed her black hair into her signature knot that always looked the right amount of messy and flawless. But her sharp, concerned expression reminded me of Sunday all over again—when she’d come to the room and had known Sawyer was in there. And I knew seeing it again that I’d been right . . . she, without a doubt, had a problem with Sawyer and me.
She blew out a quick breath and said, “Well, you look incredible, are you headed out of Amber for the day?”
“Yeah, you look real pretty, Miss Rae. I like your lipstick,” the little girl said—what was her name again?
“Oh, um, thank you,” I said before responding to her mom. “And, no. Sometimes I just want to look good to feel good.”
Savannah snorted, the sound soft and adorable and so entirely her. “Amen to that. Except with this little man,”—she rubbed her belly lovingly—“I’m afraid there isn’t a whole lot of that.”
“Have you actually seen yourself lately?” I pointedly looked at her combination of yoga pants and denim button-up shirt that was left open, exposing her pale Blossom B&B shirt beneath and swollen belly.
She’d worn something similar every day since I’d arrived, but she never looked anything less than adorable and perfectly put together with her combination of chic, dangly earrings and long necklaces.
“Probably the cutest pregnant person I’ve ever seen,” I claimed.
Her expression deadpanned. “Wait until you’re walking around with a beach ball attached to your hips, then tell me if you feel anything remotely close to cute.”
“Oh no,” I said, the words edging on horrified. “That won’t be happening. Ever.” No relationships. No marriages. No babies.
Savannah’s face took on a curious and slightly worried look, but her son chose that moment to tap my side and loudly whisper, “I heard Daddy say he likes Momma pregnant. That he’s gonna keep her that way.”
My eyes widened and I mashed my mouth into a tight line so I wouldn’t respond or burst into laughter when Savannah made some sort of choking noise.
“Th
at man,” she hissed before snapping to get the kids’ attention. “Y’all, get back over here. Give Miss Rae room to breathe, goodness. And you, young man,”—she pointed to her son, the corners of her mouth curving up as she fought a smile—“let’s just not repeat what Daddy says, okay?”
I sent her a soft smile as I took a step away, only to freeze when she motioned me closer.
“Would you like to join? We’re gonna bake some banana bread, a lemon Bundt cake, and prep cinnamon rolls for tomorrow.”
“Uh . . .” The word came out on an uneasy laugh.
It wasn’t the first time she’d asked if I wanted to help bake or cook, and each time it became more awkward to turn her down. I knew she didn’t expect me to help, she was only offering, but my reasoning for not wanting to made me feel like a jerk.
I didn’t do this. Not only did I not know how to bake, but I didn’t do the whole baking-with-family thing since I didn’t do the family thing.
Any version of baking growing up had been watching it on television. All forms of eating baked goods had been from a grocery store, and usually came individually wrapped.
Something about baking with Savannah and her kids felt like precious memories I wasn’t meant to encroach on.
“You don’t have to,” Savannah said softly, a sweet, reassuring smile crossing her face as she did. “But I wanna make sure you know the offer is always there.”
“I’d probably ruin whatever it is if I didn’t burn the kitchen down,” I said in way of excuse.
She nodded after a moment, accepting it and letting me know she wasn’t going to pry. After sucking in a quick breath, she gave a clap and said, “Well, we’ll be here most of the day if you need anything. We have to run Beau’s bag over to him once all this is prepped—he forgot it and failed to mention it until we were already home.” She rolled her eyes, but the adoration for her husband clearly shone there. “But we have another guest arriving later this afternoon, so I’ll be home for that.”
“You do?”
“Mmhm.” Her expression shifted, her smile tight. “Yes, a man is coming in today, and we have an anniversary couple coming tomorrow.”
Fall in Love Book Bundle: Small Town Romance Box Set Page 151
