Christ. I’d found her . . .
The girl guys like me would kill to find.
I should be fucking ecstatic that Rae was a benefits-only kind of girl. Except Rae was the only girl who could pull me away from that life. Make me want more. Anything less than more with her wouldn’t be enough, and she was clearly telling me that would never happen.
“I—” A sharp, degrading laugh burst from her. “I’ve never even been in a real relationship because the thought of them makes me feel claustrophobic. And, yes, I understand how that looks considering what I do for a living, but I’ve never needed a man. I’ve never wanted one past a physical sense.” Her throat shifted with her forced swallow and her voice dropped to a whisper that still held so much meaning when she continued. “I’ve also never begged one . . . for anything. And I haven’t cried over one since I was seventeen.”
I stilled.
My heart skipped painfully before taking off at a thunderous pace as the other day raced through my mind.
The way she’d frozen after saying please against our kiss. The way I’d found her holding herself up as sobs racked her body.
“What happened when you were seventeen?”
Her expression softened, but her tone was firm when she replied, “I don’t owe you that.”
I nodded, taking the response. I had my own story she didn’t deserve to hear, but it made me crave to know what had happened to Rae that much more.
“Then tell me what I did to make you cry,” I pled.
“Nothing,” she said immediately, honestly.
Disbelief leaked from me when I asked, “That had nothing to do with me?”
“It had everything to do with you, but it wasn’t because of something you’d done.” Her stare bounced around the room, touching on everything and avoiding mine as her breaths quickened. “You were right the other day . . . about the control.” Her gaze darted to mine, silently begging me to understand. “I’ve never abandoned it before, but I kept slipping into a place with you where I easily was.”
That scared her.
She didn’t need to say the words, they were written all over her face.
“But my baggage you hinted at?” she said as if she were afraid of letting her words sink in deep enough for me to hope that more with her was attainable. “It’s real, and it will have me out of here faster than I planned if you try to make this into something I can’t let it be.”
It felt like the other day all over again . . . Rae’s hands fisted in my shirt, pulling me closer, all while she tried to reinforce that wall between us.
Only this time, I had new pieces of her.
Like the other times she’d given me a glimpse into her life, they were little pieces that explained her reactions and the way she was, and yet, were vague enough that they left me with more questions. But I was starting to think I would always get just enough when she was ready to give it, without ever getting the full story.
Then again, from the hints Rae had given, I wondered if she’d trusted anyone else with the small pieces she’d given me.
And those pieces . . . if all Rae had wanted was a fuck buddy until she left, that was something I couldn’t do. Not with her.
Pretending that was all we were to ease her mind and stave off fears I didn’t fully understand yet, knowing she was in this just as deep as I was? Yeah . . . that I could do.
“Told you I have baggage too,” I murmured. “If yours has anything to do with how worried you are about me falling in love with you, I’ll tell you right now that mine will absolutely prevent that from happening.”
A crease formed between her brows as she studied me doubtfully.
My chest pitched with a silent laugh. “You always do this?”
“I’ve never been this worried,” she responded without hesitation.
I didn’t try to reassure her again. Didn’t tell her that I’d stopped believing in love a long time ago. I just stood there, letting old pains mix with her fears until both were consumed by the knowledge that she was still worth it all.
“What do you want, Rae?”
“For you to leave and for this to be over before it can get more complicated,” she said tonelessly as if she were trying to convince herself.
My head moved in a faint nod, but I didn’t move to leave. “What do you really want?”
She sucked in a ragged breath as her eyes bounced between mine and the bed a couple times before holding my stare. “I want you to kiss me.”
The words were wrapped in shame and delivered on a breath, the same as when she’d told me she missed me.
And they meant everything because I knew they were real.
I slowly unfolded my arms and stepped around the bed, stopping to gather up her laptop and glasses as I went.
Once they were placed on one of the nightstands, I leaned over and took the untouched coffee from her hands and set it down as well, never breaking the contact I had with her mesmerizing eyes.
Placing a knee on the bed, I reached for her, cupping my hand around her neck and reminding myself to take this slow when her eyelids shut and lips parted on an exhale.
Using my thumb, I tilted her head back and lowered mine to brush my lips across hers. A smile threatened at the corner of my mouth when I felt her response to the faint touch . . . the way her entire body trembled.
After another soft brush, I pressed my mouth firmly to hers and groaned when she reached for me, her fingers grazing the skin low on my stomach as she gripped my shirt and pulled me closer.
I teased the seam of her lips as I placed my other hand on her throat, grazing her skin with the tips of my fingers before trailing down to her chest. No sooner had she opened for me, giving me that taste of her I’d been craving, than I was gently pushing her back until she was laid out beneath me and pulling me with her.
I secured one hand in her hair and braced myself on my other arm as I settled between her legs, and claimed her mouth until she stopped fighting for control of the kiss. Her body relaxed beneath mine and her hands started searching under my shirt as she welcomed the way I teased and tortured and demanded more from her.
She trembled when I took her bottom lip between my teeth, giving her a hint of the torment she’d put me through, and that shiver about did me in. I ground my hardened cock against her, mentally cursing the material between us while knowing it was necessary.
Knowing I needed to stop.
And then she moaned.
I captured her mouth and rocked against her again and again, swallowing her moans and whimpers and ignoring the fact that I was dry-humping her like a fucking teenager and the possibility of coming in my pants was real because this was Rae. And, yet, I didn’t want to stop.
Tearing my mouth from hers, I moved across her jaw and down her throat with soft kisses and playful bites as I traced the curves of her body with my hand. Spending just enough time going over them to tease myself with what I wanted to memorize later before I filled my hand with her ass and pulled her up as I ground harder against her.
“Sawyer, please,” she said on a breath.
I knew the second she realized what she’d said.
Felt it in the way her writhing, insistent body went still.
As much as I hated the automatic reaction and the possibility of what was to come, I was almost thankful for the reminder of why I’d meant to only kiss her.
I moved my lips across her chest and whispered, “Shit,” so low I wasn’t sure she heard. Placing one last kiss there, I released my hold on her and then rolled to my side, bringing her with me.
And there she was, the same girl who had knocked me sideways after giving me the best blowjob of my life. Looking fierce and horrified and determined.
Before she could put another wall between us, I rested my hand on her hip and said, “So, this whole control thing you keep mentioning, is it a dominatrix-type thing?”
Rae’s head jerked back and she blinked rapidly before a laugh burst from her, clear and free
and beautiful. “Oh my God, what?”
“Just trying to figure out what you’re all about.”
Once her laughter had faded, amusement danced in her eyes and played at the corners of her lips. “Definitely isn’t that.”
“Why don’t you explain it so I can avoid what happened the other day and today?”
“It wasn’t you, I told you.”
I gave her hip a gentle squeeze. “Give me something, Rae.”
Her gaze drifted away for a moment before returning to me, and she gave me a helpless smile. “I already have. Nothing happened to me, no one . . . forced me, or whatever you said. I told you how my childhood was—I had no control or say over anything. So, it’s really difficult for me not to have control over everything now.”
I lowered my voice and said, “But, Rae, you got pissed . . . at me.”
“At myself,” she corrected. “Then you were trying to dig deeper, and that’s the last thing I wanted you to do, so I turned it on you. But before?” She lifted a shoulder. “That was all on me and being frustrated that I’d been giving up control to you. So, I took it back.”
It took only a second to figure out when she’d been talking about. “You dropping to your knees was taking it back?”
“I was really mad.”
I fought the smile that threatened. “If that’s what you do when you’re mad . . .” A laugh forced from my chest when she pushed at my shoulder.
“As for being in control, it’s usually much more subtle.” She grabbed the hand on her hip and brought it between us as she continued talking. “There are times when I’m pretty deliberate—at appropriate times, not because I’m mad at myself.”
I would’ve smiled or laughed at that, but her voice had gone all husky and she was staring at me like she was replaying the moment she’d taken me in her mouth with vivid clarity the same way I was.
Like she was aching to do it again.
Her tongue darted out to wet her lips and the tips of her fingers intertwined with mine, bringing our joined hands closer to her body. “Other times, the guy doesn’t even realize that I’m still in control. Doesn’t notice I decide when we undress, or that I’m leading all the touches.”
Rae’s eyelids slipped shut for a second when our hands pressed against her breast and slowly trailed down her stomach. Lower and lower and lower. It wasn’t until she gently eased her fingers through mine again to stop my descent just before I hit the juncture of her thighs that I realized she’d ever released mine.
She placed my hand back where it had been on her hip, then slid closer to me, testing my control when she twisted so her shoulders rested on the bed. Perfectly offering herself to me.
Her chest’s movements grew harsher when I pressed a leg between hers and leaned closer until only a breath separated us.
“I can guide him into me and set the pace, even if he’s on top, and he’ll think he’s the one doing everything.”
Fucking hell.
“You’re gonna have to stop talking about other guys when I’m about to kiss you,” I ground out.
“Don’t you mean when I’m about to have you kiss me?” she asked against my lips.
I paused, then slowly leaned back, searching her amused and lust-filled eyes. “What?”
The tug on my shirt had me looking down to where she had it in her grip, right at my chest. “I pulled you toward me.”
My narrowed stare shifted to her again. Suspicion and something like admiration pulsed through me. “I’ll give you that. But this . . .” I pressed my knee against the apex of her thighs and had to fist the comforter when a whimper sounded in her throat. “You can’t take credit for that.”
“Don’t be so sure,” she said breathlessly, then pushed me back so we were laying on our sides with my hand on her hip again. After a few calming breaths, she nodded. “Feel what I’m doing, I’ll go slower.”
Then she twisted so she was in that position again, shoulders flat on the bed and face just below mine. Like before, I was overcome with the need to cover her and consume her . . . and then I felt it.
The way her leg moved just enough. Her foot faintly nudging the back of my calf, prompting me to slide my leg between where she’d barely widened hers. At the same time, there was a hint of a tug against the back of my neck from where she was grabbing my shirt.
This fucking girl.
“You . . .”
“Were in control the entire time,” she finished for me when I didn’t attempt to. She giggled against my lips when I placed a firm kiss there.
I pushed back to look at her. “Do you tell all of them this?”
“And give away my secrets? No. Not a chance.”
“You’re giving me your secret.”
Her expression softened into something warm and slightly terrified, but she didn’t respond.
She didn’t have to. Her eyes said it all.
I was different.
I lowered my head to press another lingering kiss to her lips, silently vowing to pretend with her as long as she needed.
“Thank you for telling me,” I said softly, then leaned back enough to study her eyes when I said. “And, Rae? There’s nothing wrong with saying please.”
Her entire body seemed to deflate beneath mine. “I don’t—that isn’t—” Her head shook firmly. “I’ve never said that before . . . during.”
“You’re telling me what you want, how is that any different than you being in control?”
She reached up to place her fingers against my cheek. Gratitude pouring from her before she shut her eyes and confessed, “Because it has only happened when I wasn’t, and it’s like this stark reminder that I’m not.”
I turned my head to kiss her palm before falling to my side and pulling her close. Once she was curled against my chest and looking at me with the most adoring and concerned expression, I said, “You trusted me with pieces of yourself that you’ve never trusted anyone else with. Your body trusts me in a way it hasn’t trusted anyone else. Trust me to take care of you when you’re with me.”
“I don’t even know you.”
“You know me better than most,” I argued. “You’re just afraid to admit it because of what it could mean.”
Those words seemed to crush her. “Sawyer, don’t—”
I passed my thumb across her lips to stop her from continuing and bit back a string of curses for letting myself take it too far when I knew I needed to pretend that this was nothing.
“Rae, I know. Stop worrying about something that won’t happen. Just let yourself enjoy this.”
Enjoy us while it lasts.
Chapter 19
Sawyer
Senior Year – Spring
I let myself into Leighton’s house with the hideaway key and stomped through the halls toward her room, my anger growing with every second when I heard music blasting from there.
More and more often lately, I’d found her here. Alone.
More and more often, she’d bailed on hanging with our friends or even me.
But to do this to me today?
I’d fucking needed her.
I threw open her door, a demand already on my lips, but it died as soon as I saw her.
What the hell . . .
She scrambled from where she’d been standing in front of a full-length mirror with only her bra and underwear on, studying herself and pinching her skin with a look of frustration and disgust.
It was the first time I’d seen her that naked in so damn long.
We hadn’t had sex in God knew how long, nearly the entire last semester, and even in the weeks before she’d put a stop to that, she’d kept herself as clothed as possible.
And all those curves I’d so proudly known like the back of my hand?
They were all but gone.
“You couldn’t have said you were coming?” she bit out, snapping me back to the present.
I blinked, my mind slow to put together that my Leighton had been the girl standing there, looking at h
erself like she was disgusted and disappointed with the girl in the mirror—with her drastic weight loss. That the girl who had been layering up for months despite the Texas heat had been hiding something worse than I’d feared.
I looked at her face, at the lifelessness there and the dark shadows that seemed to be a permanent fixture under her dulled eyes. At the way her cheeks looked sunken now that her hair was up and unable to hide them. Then moved down to where she was now fully clothed, trembling in a sweatshirt and pants because she was always so damn cold lately.
Instead of responding, I stumbled away from her room and down the hall. When she called out my name, I ran through the rest of the house, to my truck. Leaving before she could attempt to stop me.
During the drive, this past school year played in my mind on repeat like a nightmare-ish reel.
Everything Leighton had said. Every time she compared herself to any other girl. When she’d stopped eating in front of me, when our relationship had started changing, and then when she’d started changing. All the times I’d begged her to eat and had begged her to tell me if something was wrong with her.
And how I’d failed her.
Once I was back at her house, I entered the same way as before.
Angry.
Hard, furious steps.
One destination in mind.
Her bedroom door was open, so I took it as an invitation to walk in. Not that I would’ve stopped if it had been closed.
She was curled up in bed under the covers, but her eyes opened and found mine when I tossed the bag of food near her.
“I’m not—”
“Hungry,” I finished for her, the word nothing more than a snarl. “Yeah, I’ve heard that a lot, and I’m done, Leighton. Eat.”
“I ate before you—”
“Fucking eat.” I grabbed the bag and turned it over, letting the contents spill out on her bed.
She pushed up to sitting and moved away from the mess. “Sawyer!”
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