Moving so quickly I didn’t have a chance of escaping him, he gripped one of my wrists and then curled his other hand around the side of my neck, his eyes wide with disbelief. “You think I would force you?”
“No.” Shock and repentance pulsed from me. “Of course not. That isn’t—no.”
The muscles in his jaw ticked from the pressure he put on it as he studied me. “Did someone?”
“No. No, it isn’t like that. It’s . . . it’s just, I need to be in control of everything in my life. The bedroom most of all.”
Because sex and emotions go hand in hand.
And I couldn’t allow emotions to enter into the bedroom for a number of reasons.
Once they did for the man, I left. My emotions had never been an issue.
And I was so, so afraid because, for the first time in my life, my emotions were getting involved. Already. Before Sawyer and I had even begun.
“All right.” He nodded slowly, seemingly unaware. “All right. I won’t pretend to understand your past and what has you this way, because I don’t. You don’t want me to touch you? Then I won’t. You don’t give the green light to fuck you? Then we won’t do anything.” His eyes shifted between mine, waiting for a response.
I gave a firm nod because it was all I could do not to scream that I wanted him to do exactly that.
“You dropping to your knees and wrapping your lips around my cock . . . yeah, Rae, it’s fucking hot.” Sawyer stepped closer until his mouth brushed mine and his hardening cock was pressed to my belly.
A shudder ripped down my spine as I fought the urge to touch it.
As I swallowed that disgusting word: please.
“But when you do give that green light?” he continued voice pure gravel. “You can be damn sure I’m not letting you control that.”
“I don’t let men control me.”
“I’m not some man you’ve fucked. You need control, I hear you. Maybe one day you’ll tell me why. But I have a feeling there’s a part of you that needs to give someone else that control as badly as you think you need to cling to it.”
“That’s—no. That isn’t true.”
“Saw that war in you the same as I see you pulling me closer and pushing me away,” he said gently as if he were afraid of me doing the latter. “Saw that fear and hesitation that kept creeping in before you would initiate.”
My head moved in faint shakes as I stepped away from him.
Once he was clothed, his jeans hanging loosely on his hips, unbuttoned, he said, “I have a feeling you’re afraid because you want to give me that control.”
“You don’t know me, stop pretending to,” I snapped. “Whatever you think you saw wasn’t anything you could ever understand, and you are not in a position to try to.” I stepped farther back, hands up in a silent plea for him not to speak when he started to. “This is why I’m so back and forth with you. Because I was afraid of this.”
“What, me trying to understand you?”
“You letting emotions come into play,” I corrected. “You’re trying to bury yourself so deep already when I don’t let anyone in at all. When I don’t have time in my life for anything other than two people who just want to have sex.”
He watched me for a while before clarifying, “Because you’re leaving soon.”
“Because that’s all I ever want.” Exasperation leaked from my tone, and I hoped it covered the way my jaw was trembling. The way my lifelong truths suddenly seemed like lies. “It was never about whether or not I wanted you, it was if I thought we could have something with absolutely no strings attached to it. Since you’re known for hopping from bed to bed, I figured this could’ve been just another night—another bed.”
Something deep in my soul wrenched at the hurt that flashed across his handsome features before he was able to cover it with fierce indignation.
I steeled my jaw and forced myself to hold his stare as I delivered the final blow. “But you’re already complicating things. So, clearly, we can’t do this.”
A harsh breath fled from him, all pain and fury and disbelief. Just when it looked like he would say something, he gave me a firm nod and stormed out of the room.
The soft click of the door behind him shattered my frail grip on my composure.
I dropped to a crouch, my chest heaving as my breaths came too fast and too painful. Heavy tears fell unbidden as I clutched at the pain that seemed to be spreading within me.
I couldn’t understand it.
Couldn’t make sense of it.
I hadn’t cried over a guy in more than a dozen years. I hadn’t fallen for a guy in just as long—if ever. Every man since had been nothing more than someone who filled a need. Even though I preferred to sleep exclusively with one person at a time, it still remained a casual, no-strings-attached, we-just-like-each-other’s-company-and-sleeping-together arrangement, until it inevitably changed into more for them.
When that time came, and it always came, I walked away without a second thought or flicker of emotion for the time we’d had.
And yet, I wanted Sawyer Dixon in every possible way.
I wanted the way wings had taken flight in my stomach when he grabbed my hand this morning as if he had the right to. I wanted the way it felt so easy with him as if we’d been doing this for years. I wanted his intensity. I wanted to know exactly how it would feel having him make me moan.
Have his name forced from my lips.
To tremble around him.
And because of every one of those things, I wanted him out of my life.
If I had already fallen so far, I was afraid I would continue to fall deeper, and I wasn’t sure I would have the strength to leave him when the time came. And, as I said, the time would come, it always came. With the way Sawyer already was, I knew it would come sooner rather than later.
As I knew from experience, those who love you always leave.
Which is why I left first.
I pushed to my feet, stumbling a little when a sob ripped from deep within my chest and brought a fresh wave of tears.
I wiped hastily at my cheeks and cursed the pain.
Unwelcome.
Unfamiliar.
Unwarranted.
I’m fine. I’m going to be fine.
I’d never needed a man, and I wasn’t going to start then.
Once I’d had a shower, sleep, maybe some caffeine and a killer writing session, I was sure I was going to be fine. There had to be something about this stupid Mayberry town that was messing with my mind and my heart.
Flashes of Sawyer assaulted me.
The first time we’d spoken, just outside this room. The first time he’d nearly lost his mind over food. The way he’d tucked me under his arm today. His crushed expression just before he’d left.
I staggered to the side and reached out, gripping the doorframe to the bathroom just before I fell heavily against it as another sob wrenched from me.
It had taken no time at all for him to absolutely wreck me.
If I stayed, I was sure I’d allow him to continue to. I’d beg him to.
I needed to get out of this fucking town.
Another cry, this one a soft mixture of defeat and traitorous relief, tumbled from my lips when I was abruptly turned and pulled into Sawyer’s arms.
His grip was both gentle and firm, comforting in a way I hadn’t known I needed as he rested against the frame so I was leaning into him.
“Drive me crazy,” he murmured against the top of my head before settling his cheek there.
He didn’t speak again.
Didn’t ask why I was crying or why I’d said any of the things I had—why I’d pushed him away. And I didn’t ask why he’d come back or demand he leave.
I just let him hold me against his chest and soaked his shirt with the tears that seemed to have no end.
Chapter 18
Sawyer
Hesitation rose in me a couple days later as I glanced at the open windows of the room Rae was staying in. The unknown of wh
at was about to take place in that room made me restless. Made me want to both get back in my truck and knock down her door and demand she talk to me.
I tapped the lid of the coffee cup a few times before tearing my stare away and jogging up the porch, to the front door of Blossom.
If she shut down and shut me out, then that was it. I’d spent a good portion of my life avoiding feeling this way for someone again. It didn’t matter that I’d found it in Rae, I wasn’t going to spend my time getting shut down every time I saw her because she was afraid.
Fuck . . . I was afraid.
I was man enough to admit it.
But with every voice that told me to turn away from her, I pulled her closer. She was listening to the voice in her head, and it was messing with us both.
Even though Amber was a small town, it’d been easy enough to avoid her since Sunday dinner. I’d stuck to my place unless I was working, and when I was working, I let the question casually slip out if the new girl was around before I headed to the next job.
She never had been.
Emberly also said she hadn’t been to Brewed once in that time.
The possibilities of why only had my worries for today increasing.
I let myself into the large plantation house, taking a second to listen to the silence even though I knew Savannah was out running errands with the kids before I headed up the steps.
When I reached Rae’s room, I just stared at the handle like it had as much power to destroy me as the girl behind those walls did.
That girl . . .
The way she ran red-hot to ice-cold, refusing to show her thoughts and emotions even if concealing them could ruin something so damn good.
I’d been expecting Rae to either be in the shower or to yell at me to leave when I’d slipped back into her room on Sunday to retrieve my keys that I’d left on the floor.
Finding her the way I had, the way she’d clung to me . . . fuck, it had changed everything.
It had made the silence between us during dinner unbearable. Made staying away these last days nearly impossible. But I figured she needed time to be alone and think, just as I’d needed the distance to know if this really was worth it.
Considering the number of times I’d almost headed this way before this morning, and the way every thought led back to her—a girl I hardly knew—yeah, she was worth it.
I rapped my knuckles against the wood and sucked in a steeling breath, my fingers moving impatiently against the cup when she called out, “Just a second!”
Anxious energy swirled through me, making that lethal mixture of hope and dread more prominent as the seconds passed far too slowly until the lock turned and she opened the door.
And there she was.
Looking all kinds of comfortable and adorable and stealing my goddamn breath.
“Rae,” I said with the last of my air.
She leaned against the door, her head resting there as her remorseful eyes studied me from behind thick-framed glasses.
The urge to pull her close and kiss her struck hard as if it was natural and essential. As if we hadn’t only shared a few mind-blowing kisses. But I resisted, clutching the cup in my hands so hard I was sure it was going to crumple at any moment.
Her chest rose with a sharp inhale and her lips parted, but just as quickly, she pulled the corner of her lip between her teeth, deciding against whatever she’d been about to say.
Pushing from the door, she gripped the handle in her hand, and I prepared for the words I’d been dreading these past two days all while I tried to make my throat and tongue work.
Tried to beg for five minutes.
But I just stood there, watching as her head shifted to the side and her stare lowered. She twisted, angling toward the room, but hesitated before she took a step that way.
At the last moment before she released the handle, she whispered, “I’ve missed you.” The words were coated in shame as if she’d confessed a sin, but my chest heaved as I took what felt like my first real breath since she’d opened the door.
By the time I stepped into the room and shut the door behind me, she’d already crawled onto the bed, sitting with her legs crossed—her laptop open and waiting in front of her.
And I no longer knew what to say.
I’d thought of this conversation no less than a hundred times, but the words were gone. Probably because I’d been sure I would have to fight just to get past the door.
I cleared my throat and gestured toward her laptop. “Am I interrupting?”
“Of course not. I could use the break anyway.” She pulled her glasses off and tossed them onto the bed, rubbing her eyes as she did.
“You write a lot.” When a hesitant laugh left her, I hurried to clarify, “Almost every time I’ve seen you, you’ve been writing or about to write.”
“It is what I do for a living,” she said slowly, that affectionate tease coating her words. “There’s also a lot more to what I do than just writing. Editing, marketing, keeping up with my readers . . . staring at walls . . .”
The corner of my mouth tipped up in a grin. “What are you doing now?”
“Writing.” One of her shoulders lifted in a hint of a shrug. “Most of my ideas come to me while I’m driving, and I tend to drive long distances quite often.” Her full lips lifted, matching my own. “So, once I’ve arrived at the next place, I usually spend weeks writing rough versions of what was in my head to get it all out before I check out the city.”
“What you’re saying is, I’ve been messing that up?”
Her gaze darted to her laptop, some odd mix of affection and frustration flashing in her eyes as she messed with the trackpad before shutting the lid. “Not in the slightest.” Once her stare was on me again, she rested her arms on her legs and offered me a smile. “But you and I both know you aren’t here to talk about my writing.”
My chest moved with a muted laugh. “No. No, I’m not.” I shifted forward and extended the cup toward her. “This is for you.”
“I can’t tell if you’re this sweet with all women, or if you’re just trying to soften the coming blow . . .” Rae’s eyes narrowed in suspicion, but the amusement wrapping around her words as she took the cup offset the action.
Yeah, this was all fucking backward. Every way I’d played this conversation out in my head had already gone out the window about the minute she’d opened the door. And with that comment, we were leading into it with something I hadn’t even planned on addressing with her . . .
“You never would’ve been a bed to fall into and then leave, Rae.”
A breath eased from her and her eyelids fluttered shut for a moment. When they opened again, she met my stare. “I know.”
“I don’t know exactly what you’ve heard about me, but I can guess. Yeah, I have a history, but I’ve never once bought any of them anything—including a cup of coffee.”
The corners of her lips twitched into something resembling a smile as she slowly rotated the cup in her hands.
“It isn’t just that I’m not the kind of guy to date, I’m not the kind of guy to go on a date period. Taking you to First Monday? I haven’t taken a girl anywhere in a long damn time,” I admitted, nearly choking over the words and the memories that always hovered close before I was able to continue. “And that scares you.”
“Yes,” she said instantly.
“You aren’t the only one.” I waited to see if she would add anything. When she didn’t, I said, “You think I wanted to want you, Rae? I never wanted to want anyone again.”
Wonder crept across her face, her brows lifting and eyes searching mine as if she could see between those words to the pain that lay beneath.
I let her try.
I let her analyze the words, knowing she would never come close to guessing the depth of my past, before saying, “Then you showed up in my town like a nightmare and a dream, and the plan I’d had for my life collapsed.”
I studied her for a moment. Her dark hair piled messily o
n top of her head, thick chunks falling out all over the place. The golden flecks in her eyes that were so prominent without her makeup and with the sunlight shining on her. The way everything about her called to me, screamed comfort and restrained seduction in a way that shouldn’t be familiar, except everything about Rae had felt familiar since the day we met.
“It doesn’t matter that I didn’t want you, because I crave you.” The admission came out soft, my voice hoarse.
The silence that engulfed the room in the following seconds had me trembling with that same lethal combination.
Dread.
Hope.
But as a minute came and went, and then another, the former took over and filled my stomach. Each breath felt harder and harder to pull in.
Just as resignation and defeat filled me, she loosed a shallow breath and began speaking.
“You and I . . . we’re alike in so many ways. And yet, so incredibly different.” Hesitation creased her features before her eyes darted away.
I waited with barely-leashed patience for her to continue, folding my arms across my chest, like that might contain the adrenaline coursing through my body. Might keep me from reaching for her and begging her to give me more than that small, cryptic offering.
“I don’t move from bed to bed,” she finally continued. “If I’m sleeping with someone, I’m sleeping with only him . . . but that’s all we’re doing.” One of her shoulders lifted slightly, her head moving in faint shakes to complete the look as she backtracked. “We might grab dinner or hang out with his friends if something comes up last-minute while we’re together, but it’s rare. Because then people start asking questions and wondering what we are, and I never want to be anything.”
“This weekend.” The words came out before I could stop them, but I wasn’t sure if they were more of a confirmation or a question.
Also wasn’t sure if I wanted to know.
“That was different,” she said on a breath, her eyes finally meeting mine again. She wavered, looking like she was going to explain how before she continued down the original path instead. “I have emotions, I’m an emotional person, but not with the person I’m sleeping with. It makes it complicated and messy, and I don’t plan on sticking around anyway, so I don’t see the point in allowing feelings to come into play. Once it progresses from only being physical for them, I walk away.”
Fall in Love Book Bundle: Small Town Romance Box Set Page 149
