Falling to Earth

by Deirdre Palmer

  ‘Why? Does he knock her about or something?’

  ‘Shut up, Gray,’ Juliet said. ‘Go on, Karina.’

  ‘No, it’s nothing like that. She never seems to know where she stands, whether he wants her there or not. He’s using her, that’s obvious. Well, it is to me, anyway.’

  ‘He’s told her she’s got to get rid,’ Al said, mopping up the last of his moussaka with a piece of bread and popping it in his mouth.

  ‘Will you keep your voice down!’ Karina hissed, glancing around her. She leaned in to the table. The others followed suit. ‘Tallulah doesn’t believe in abortion and anyway she really wants the baby, now she’s got used to the idea, but she wants him, too, the boyfriend, and he says she’s got to choose – the baby or him. Isn’t that disgusting? She hasn’t a clue what to do.’

  ‘He sounds like an insensitive clod to me.’ Juliet was thinking how upsetting it must be for Karina to have to deal with all this when she was pregnant herself.

  ‘I know, but to look at him you’d think butter wouldn’t melt. He came to meet her one lunch-time. They were all starry-eyed with each other but I could tell his heart wasn’t in it.’

  ‘She can’t possibly choose not to have the baby, can she?’ Juliet was appalled. ‘She might never get over it but she will get over the boyfriend. By the sound of it he’s no loss anyway.’

  ‘That’s what I told her. I didn’t put it as bluntly as that of course.’

  ‘And I say it’s not your problem,’ Al said, reaching for the wine.

  ‘She’s so young and her mother lives in South America and she hasn’t seen her father since he dropped her off at boarding school. I feel ...’

  ‘Responsible, I know, but Al’s right. Tallulah has to work it out for herself, doesn’t she?’

  Karina scanned the dessert menu then passed to it to Juliet. ‘You’re right, she does, but I don’t feel I can leave her in the shop on her own at the moment, not while her head’s all over the place.’

  Al smirked at Gray. ‘Not the only thing that’s all over the place if you ask me.’

  Later, the talk turned to holidays. Al and Karina were planning to rent a cottage in Cornwall once the baby was born.

  ‘Sounds lovely,’ Juliet said, thinking that actually, transporting a family with two small children plus a new baby and all its paraphernalia all the way to Cornwall sounded more like an assault course than a holiday but no doubt Karina would sail through it all, much as she sailed through everything, Al notwithstanding.

  ‘What are you two doing? Any plans?’ Al signalled to the waiter for more coffee.

  ‘Not yet,’ Juliet said, avoiding Gray’s eye.

  ‘You’ll be heading off somewhere when school breaks up, surely?’ Karina looked at Juliet, then at Gray, both of whom remained silent. ‘Well, I guess there’s plenty of time to sort something out if you haven’t decided.’

  Al wasn’t about to let this go. ‘Come on now guys, get it together. There must be somewhere you’ve got your eye on. Caribbean? Maldives?’

  ‘Gray doesn’t do long-haul.’ Juliet said, unwrapping a mint chocolate. She stole a look at Gray, just in time to see him set down his coffee cup in a deliberate fashion and look round at them all if he was about to make an important announcement.

  ‘Actually, we have made plans.’ He smiled at Juliet, rather smugly, she thought.

  She felt her face flush. ‘Have we?’

  ‘Well, technically, I have made plans, not we, but don’t worry, you’ll love it.’

  Al looked hopefully from Gray to Juliet and back again in anticipation of a minor scene. Juliet had eaten half her chocolate. The other half she’d squeezed into a melted mess that was leaking out of the shiny wrapper. She put it down and wiped her sticky fingers on her napkin.

  ‘When are we going, then? Where to?’ she said, trying to keep her voice even.

  ‘July, directly Rachel breaks up.’

  Right, Juliet thought. He’s forgotten Rachel’s away then.

  ‘Rachel will of course be on the school trip to France then.’

  Damn, he hadn’t forgotten. ‘But we always go away together, the three of us.’

  ‘I know, and we will, but this one’s just for us. I thought it would be, well, you know, romantic.’ Gray blushed slightly. His smile was fading.

  ‘You haven’t said where we’re going.’

  ‘Southern Spain, Frigiliana to be exact. It’s a village in the mountains, the Sierra something, and Granada’s not far off so we can get to the Alhambra Palace. We promised ourselves we’d go there one day. You remember, don’t you?’

  Of course she remembered. Gray, however, had obviously not remembered that she didn’t like surprises, not of this magnitude, anyway.

  ‘Yes, of course.’ There seemed nothing more to say.

  ‘I’ve always loved Spain,’ Karina said, a shade too brightly. ‘Lucky you.’

  ‘Well, I hope it’s a decent hotel. I could do with some pampering.’ Juliet attempted to inject some lightness into her voice without caring whether she was succeeding or not.

  Gray had booked a holiday – in his words, a ‘romantic’ one. How strange, considering the path her mind had followed earlier. Anyway, this was so unlike him. Not the romantic bit - Gray was no slouch on that front – but the suddenness of it. Gray planned and consulted and then did it all over again, just to make sure he’d got it right. Consideration was one of his strengths, one of things she loved about him. It made her feel secure – or it used to. He was trying to please her, evidently, but instead she felt depressed and very confused.

  ‘It’s not a hotel, it’s a villa. It’s very pretty – it’s got a verandah, a private pool and fantastic views. Don’t worry, you won’t have to cook. We’ll use the local deli and the bakery and we’ll eat out every evening.’

  ‘Well, you’ve obviously got it all worked out.’

  That was the second time Gray had told her not to worry. Once more and he was in serious danger of having a cup of hot coffee land in his lap. The spoon she was fiddling with sprang out of her grasp and clattered to the floor.

  ‘It’ll be heaven,’ Karina said, after a moment’s awkward silence. ‘Doing what you want, not having to fit in with hotel meal-times, not seeing the same old faces day after day.’

  Except each other’s. Whose side was Karina on, anyway?

  4

  It was raining lightly when they left the restaurant. Juliet stood in the doorway with Al and Karina as they waited for taxis. She shuffled up to make room for Gray but he stood perversely on the pavement, the rain darkening the shoulders of his shirt.

  The first taxi pulled up and Juliet ushered Al and Karina towards it. She wondered whether she should apologise for having caused the evening to end on a sour note - not that it was her entirely down to her - then realised she felt too miserable to care and in any case it was too late because their friends were already in the taxi.

  ‘You’re not pleased about Spain, then,’ Gray said when they got home after a silent taxi ride throughout which he had stared at the back of the driver’s head and Juliet pretended to be asleep whilst covertly watching Gray’s profile eerily backlit by a procession of street-lights and burger-bar signs.

  ‘I didn’t say that.’

  ‘Oh, I think you did.’

  Juliet kicked off her shoes and left them where they were, at the bottom of the stairs. Gray hated it when she did that.

  ‘Let’s not do this now, please,’ she said, facing away from him. ‘I’m too tired and we’ve been drinking. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.’

  Gray laid a lightly restraining hand on her arm, stopping her from going upstairs. ‘We can cancel Spain and go somewhere else, anywhere you like, as long as it’s just the two of us. It’s what we need.’

  Juliet turned and looked wearily at Gray. ‘It’s not Spain that’s the problem.’

  Gray sighed. ‘Yes, yes I realise that. I was just making the point that it doesn’t matter where we go as lon
g as it’s somewhere. I... we just need to get away.’ He rubbed a hand across his head, making his hair stand on end. ‘Look, I’m trying here, Juliet, I really am, and I apologise for booking our holiday without telling you...’

  ‘Without asking me.’

  ‘... without asking you. I’m sorry I tried to surprise you with a luxury break in a wonderful Spanish villa in a beautiful location but I do think you might make the effort to be just the tiniest bit grateful because I’m pretty damn sure anyone else would be.’

  Juliet stared at him. Grateful? If this was Gray’s idea of trying, heaven help her when he wasn’t.

  ‘Well pardon me for not being over the moon about spending a week half way up a mountain with someone who apparently knows what I need better than I do and who obviously doesn’t give a flying pig that I might prefer to stay at home within reach while my daughter’s in France getting up to goodness knows what.’

  ‘It’s fig, flying fig.’

  ‘That’s what I said.’

  ‘No, you said pig, and I didn’t mean grateful, not in the way it came out.’ Gray threw up his hands. ‘Sorry. Wrong choice of word. Anyway, it’s ten days.’

  ‘What is?’

  ‘Our holiday. We’re going for ten days, not a week. And before you accuse me of not caring about Rachel, I do care about her, as you very well know, and I’m sure there’ll be no problem with communications between France and Spain should the need arise.’

  Juliet opened her mouth and closed it again. Whatever she said would only make matters worse and she hadn’t done too well on that front so far, had she? It was best they stop this now, before either of them could do any more damage – she hadn’t wanted to start it in the first place. She slid past Gray and went to the kitchen. Taking a tumbler from the cupboard, she ran the tap and took a long drink. She put the glass down but stayed facing the sink, breathing deeply in an attempt to compose herself. Gray came up behind her, putting his hands each side of her shoulders, leaning in. She felt his breath warm on her neck.

  ‘Juliet, look, I’m sorry I got it all wrong but you know you can be a bit...’

  He hesitated. She spun round, making him let go of her.

  ‘A bit what? What were you going to say?’

  So this was all her fault now, was it?

  ‘Unreadable. I was going to say unreadable. Sometimes.’

  She stared at him, speechless. How could he conceivably accuse her of being unreadable when she hadn’t a clue what to say to him, what to think about him, what to do about him, because most of the time she hadn’t the foggiest idea what was going on his head? The distance between them had opened up tonight, unfolded before her eyes. Gray was moving away her from her, steadily but surely, and she was powerless to stop it.

  ‘I’m going up.’ Gray said. He seemed about to kiss her, then changed his mind and walked over to the door. ‘I suggest you do the same. And by the way, I know it’s a bit late to say it now but you looked lovely tonight.’

  Juliet nodded – it was all she could manage. Her voice was a strangled knot somewhere at the base of her throat.

  When Gray had gone, she stood by the sink and pressed her hot hand to her even hotter forehead. Perhaps Gray was right and tonight’s little debacle was all her fault because she did have the tendency to overreact, didn’t she? Well, she’d certainly done that tonight, no matter that her judgement had been clouded by her recent worries – that was no excuse. Gray was making an effort to put things right. He’d gone to all the trouble of arranging a holiday and she’d gone straight into knee-jerk mode and thrown it back at him. Full marks for effort, Juliet.

  It wasn’t that she didn’t want to go to Frigi-whatsit – of course she did - anyone would, as Gray had been swift to point out. It was the way he’d looked at her in the restaurant, almost defying her not to be pleased, and she might have been, had he not wrong-footed her by taking her by surprise in front of their friends, giving her no opportunity to question the wisdom of making holiday plans while they were criss-crossing each other like a couple of fighter pilots.

  And it wasn’t just that, was it? His suggestion - no, his accusation – that she was as unfathomable as he was had hit a nerve. It couldn’t be true, could it? She supposed it must be, if that’s what he felt. So now she had something else to worry about. Great.

  Well, she couldn’t stand here all night. Switching off the light in the kitchen, she stood in the darkened hall and waited until she heard the whoosh of the shower before she went upstairs. There was no light showing under Andrea’s door, thank goodness. She crept up the next flight. Rachel’s room, too, was in darkness. She stood outside it for a moment, putting off the moment when she’d have to face Gray, and then Rachel’s voice came: ‘Mum?’ and a light snapped on.

  Juliet opened the door. ‘Night, love.’

  ‘No, Mum, come here a minute.’ Rachel sat up suddenly, bringing up her knees under the orange quilt and almost tipping a sleeping cat off the bed. She rescued him and plonked him down by her feet. ‘Sorry Sid. Mum, were you and Gray having a row?’

  Juliet sighed. She felt irritable and puffy and achingly tired. All she wanted to do was to curl up and cast herself into total oblivion.

  ‘No, not really. A few words, that’s all.’

  ‘Yeah, right’.

  ‘It was nothing. Really, it wasn’t. Come on, lie down and go to sleep. It’s late.’

  Rachel didn’t move. ‘Are you and Gray splitting up? Is that what’s going on? Because if it is you don’t need to worry about me. I’m cool with it, as long as you are. We were all right before he came and we’ll be all right without him. If necessary,’ she added.

  Juliet felt as if she’d been punched in the chest. She sat down on the edge of the bed before her legs gave way. ‘Darling, I told you. We did have a bit of an argument but it wasn’t really about anything. We just got in a mood with each other. Too much wine, I expect.’

  ‘It’s never about anything though, is it?’ Frowning slightly, Rachel began twisting a strand of hair tightly around her forefinger. Obviously she wasn’t ready to give up on this yet. Inside, Juliet began to panic. How stupid she’d been, assuming that Rachel hadn’t picked up on the atmosphere between her and Gray, hadn’t thought about it and wondered what it meant. Of course she’d noticed - she had eyes and ears, didn’t she? And she was almost a teenager, for goodness sake.

  Juliet closed her eyes and opened them again. ‘How do you mean, it’s never about anything?’

  ‘It’s like you only argue over little things, like Gray picking his post up off the mat and not yours, or you hanging your clothes on the banisters and leaving your shoes all over the place, or him not listening when you’re telling him something Shona said’ – Shona was Juliet’s agent – ‘and you having to say it all over again.’

  That was a little thing? That last one was quite a big thing in Juliet’s opinion. Rachel’s point, however, came through loud and clear.

  She took a deep breath and gave her daughter what she hoped was a reassuring smile. ‘Of course Gray and I aren’t splitting up and I don’t want you worrying because nothing’s changing, not as far as I know. OK?’

  As answers went, it fell way short of satisfactory but it was the best she could do tonight.

  ‘OK.’ Rachel slid down in the bed and pulled the duvet up around her chin. After a moment she said: ‘I do like Gray. He’s pretty cool to have around but I don’t like it that you’re unhappy.’

  ‘I’m not unhappy. I’m just tired, that’s all.’ Juliet switched off the lamp. ‘Come on now. Sleep.’

  ‘Love you, Mum,’ Rachel said, as Juliet opened the door. ‘Love you, too, darling. ‘Night.’

  ‘’Night. Oh, and Mum?’

  ‘Yes, Rachel?’ Juliet raised her eyes to the ceiling.

  ‘Someone phoned for you tonight. A man.’ Rachel subtly weighted the word man. ‘Jonny, Jonno or something.’

  Juliet froze, her hand on the doorknob. Jonno? Ringing here? They we
ren’t in the directory and she certainly hadn’t given him the number. Who else could it be, though?

  ‘What did he say? Did you take the call or Andrea?’

  ‘I did. Andrea was in the loo. He asked to speak to you and I said you were out and he said would you be in tomorrow and I said yes and he said he’d ring back. He sounded a bit put out. I wondered if I should give him your mobile number.’

  ‘Rachel, you didn’t...’

  ‘Of course I didn’t. Why, who is he anyway?’

  ‘No idea. Go to sleep.’

  Gray appeared to be asleep when Juliet slipped into bed beside him. She leaned across and kissed him lightly on his temple but he didn’t stir. Annoyingly wide awake now, she wondered if she dare switch the light on and read a few pages of her book to calm her down. Better not. Perhaps some aspirin would help. Sliding out of bed, she tiptoed to the bathroom and took a couple of capsules. As she flipped open the top of the bin to drop in the empty packet, something caught her eye - little squares of torn up paper, lots of them. The remains of the card that had come this morning.

  It was just after five when Jonno rang. Juliet had been on edge all day, listening out for the phone and gearing herself up, ready to pounce on it in case it was him. It wouldn’t do at all if someone else answered or she had to take the call within earshot, because then she would have to explain who he was and she wasn’t sure she could do that with any measure of aplomb if she was caught off-guard. Then, as the day wore on she had come round to the idea that he hadn’t meant what he’d said to Rachel about ringing tomorrow, that it was just one of those throw-away expressions, and she’d stopped worrying.

  The phone trilled while she was watering the pots on the patio. She flung down the can, sloshing half its chilly contents over her feet, and bolted indoors. Andrea had just gone out and Rachel was prostrate on the lawn with Heat magazine, open, across her midriff, and Northanger Abbey, closed, by her feet, but Gray was in the kitchen, ironing shirts for another business trip. He glanced up as she swept past him on her way to the sitting room but didn’t pass comment. For once she was glad he hadn’t bothered to answer the phone himself.