Quiz Questions & Complicated Crushes

by Chrissie Perry

  ‘You’re probably wondering why I brought you here,’ Penelope said.

  ‘Hmm,’ the shape of Oscar replied. ‘It is a mystery, but first: would you rather be stuck in here for twenty-four hours or in the cleaner’s storage cupboard?’

  Though Penelope couldn’t see his face, she could still hear the smile in his voice. And though she really should get started on the quiz so he could figure out his true feelings and then Penelope could change them, she really couldn’t help answering his Would you rather?

  ‘In here would definitely be better,’ she began, ‘because you’d have more air through the gaps in the leaves. In the cleaner’s cupboard, you’d only have what came in under the door.’

  ‘Too right,’ the shape of Oscar said. ‘So, what have you got there, Penny?’

  Penelope took a deep breath.

  ‘Quiz questions, Oscar Finley,’ she said. ‘I need you to answer them honestly. I’ll explain later.’

  ‘Fire away,’ he said.

  Penelope cleared her throat.

  ‘Right. Question one: Have you been trying to impress anyone lately? Choose one of the following answers: always, sometimes or never.’

  The shape of Oscar Finley shrugged.

  ‘Nope,’ he said. ‘Not that I can think of anyway.’

  ‘So, that’s a never?’ Penelope asked.

  ‘Guess so,’ said Oscar.

  ‘Question two,’ Penelope continued. ‘Do you wish to spend more time with someone? Always, sometimes or never?’

  ‘Well,’ Oscar said, ‘I guess sometimes. I do want to go camping with my dad. It’s hard to get him to take his holidays though.’

  Penelope frowned. Given that the person he wanted to spend more time with wasn’t her, this wasn’t a very convincing sometimes.

  ‘Okay, question three,’ Penelope said. ‘Do you blush when you’re around this person?’

  The shape of Oscar shook his head.

  ‘This is a really strange quiz, Penny,’ he said. ‘I think I might go back to the oval and see if I can find that Green Ground Beetle.’

  ‘Come on Oscar,’ Penelope encouraged. ‘If you can’t be honest with yourself, then we can’t work things out. We’ll come back to question three. Question four: Do you get tongue-tied and clumsy when you’re around this particular person?’

  Oscar didn’t say a single thing. Penelope assumed it was because he was embarrassed.

  ‘Come on Oscar,’ Penelope encouraged. ‘It happened yesterday morning. You went all weird on me. Remember? I made up an excellent Would you rather? and you got sweaty and you went red and then you got all tongue-tied.’

  Penelope waited so that Oscar could remember all of these things.

  ‘Admit it, Oscar,’ Penelope said, ‘you’ve got a crush on me.’

  The shape of Oscar shook his head. ‘Geez Penny,’ he said. ‘That didn’t have anything to do with a crush. I was sick. I had gastro. I couldn’t even go to the basketball round robin. I went straight home. I was puking and what was coming out the other end was –’

  ‘Oscar, stop,’ Penelope interrupted. She was pretty sure she didn’t want to hear what came next. But this was all a bit of a shock. In fact, some Very Strange and Clashing feelings were wriggling around inside her chest. Penelope had to shut her eyes for a moment so she could figure out what the feelings were.

  Feeling Number One was a sense of overwhelming relief that Oscar didn’t actually have a crush on her.

  Feeling Number Two was curiosity about whether it might have been nice, after all, if he did have a crush on her. Everyone else seemed to have Big Changes going on in their lives. Perhaps Penelope was going to be left behind? By herself.

  And lastly, Feeling Number Three was the worst of the lot: that perhaps nobody would ever have a crush on her.

  ‘So you don’t have a crush on me?’ Penelope asked.

  ‘Nope,’ Oscar said. ‘Do you have a crush on me?’

  ‘Good,’ Oscar laughed. ‘Cos I like you, Penny. You’re my very good friend. Plus, you’re really terrific at Would you rather? But I don’t, like, LIKE you.’

  Penelope blew out a breath.

  ‘Do you like anyone?’ Penelope asked. She wasn’t sure how she would feel if Oscar liked someone else.

  ‘Gosh, no,’ Oscar replied. ‘I just don’t think I’m ready for that kind of stuff.’ He paused for a second. ‘But if I did have a crush on anyone, I’m pretty sure it would be you.’

  Penelope smiled as Feeling Number Three disappeared from her mind. Even Feeling Number Two faded. Only Feeling Number One stayed put.

  ‘And if I did have a crush on anyone, which I certainly don’t, it would be you, Oscar Finley,’ she said. ‘So, we’re just friends, right?’ she asked (to be totally sure).

  ‘Just mates,’ Oscar said.

  ‘That is a relief, Oscar,’ Penelope said, tucking the Quiz Questions for Complicated Crushes back into her schoolbag.

  ‘Yeah,’ Oscar agreed, ‘I’m glad we cleared that up. But Penny, I really hope I can still find the Green Ground Beetle before the bell rings. Do you reckon you can help me look?’

  Penelope nodded.

  ‘Sure, Oscar Finley,’ she said (even though she wasn’t really keen on finding out what sort of strong smell the Green Ground Beetle gave off when you held it). ‘Because that’s the kind of thing you do for a friend.’

  During the school day, Penelope told Bob snippets of what happened with Oscar Finley. But she saved the whole story for after school.

  Penelope adored Bob’s house. She had adored it even before Bob lived there. And Bob’s bedroom was the best room in the house, with high ceilings, a bay window and a print of Bridge over a Pond of Water Lilies. Penelope stared at the print for a full minute. It was great to know in her heart about the improvements she’d made to this already lovely painting. She could hardly wait until the art show tomorrow.

  Also, Bob didn’t mind (since Penelope had actually helped her set up the room in the first place) when Penelope tidied up things that were out of order. Bob had obviously moved the plastic animals Penelope had arranged on the shelf in front of the bay window. Now there was a hawk positioned very close to a sweet little mouse, which was Not Ideal.

  ‘So, Pen,’ Bob said, searching through her clothes rack. ‘From when you left me last night. Go.’

  ‘Right,’ Penelope said. Though she had colour-coded Bob’s clothes several times, Bob wasn’t very good at maintaining this. Penelope picked up a red top that had somehow strayed into the blue area and put it back where it belonged.

  First of all, she told Bob all about Ava coming into her room and fixing her teddy and having an actual conversation about crushes. It was still exciting that Ava lost track of time while they were chatting and making up the quiz. She only remembered that she was supposed to be home by 9 pm when her mum rang at 9.15 pm. That certainly meant they’d had a great night.

  ‘Sounds fun,’ Bob said. ‘When Tilly channels Miranda, it sounds more like Miranda is telling her what to think.’

  ‘That’s exactly what I thought, Bob,’ Penelope said. ‘It was kind of like Ava respected my opinions, too. It was pretty cool.’

  ‘Awesome,’ Bob said. ‘Geez Penelope, don’t you wish you had an older sister? I sure do.’

  Penelope shrugged. ‘Well, this was practically like having an older sister,’ she said.

  ‘Yeah, but I mean for real,’ Bob said. Which was quite off track, really. Sometimes Bob could get like that.

  ‘Anyway,’ Penelope said, bringing Bob back on track, ‘we made a quiz to help people work out if they have a crush. You answer ten questions, then you get to analyse the results.’

  Bob (finally, since it was hidden in with the yellows) found her white karate uniform and laid it on her bed. She’d just started doing karate. Penelope was pleased that Bob had found a hobby she liked, but it meant Bob had to go in just half an hour, so Penelope was going to have to rush her story a bit.

  Penelope fished th
e Quiz Questions for Complicated Crushes out of her bag while Bob got changed. She was having some trouble tying the white belt around her waist, so Penelope handed her the quiz and took over the tying.

  ‘I like ‘em,’ Bob said, scanning the questions. ‘And I’ll bet you wrote the bit at the bottom about how to analyse the results, right Pen?’

  Penelope nodded. ‘Yep. Ava had to go after we finished writing the questions. But how did you know I wrote the rest?’

  ‘Just a hunch, Pen,’ Bob said with a smile. ‘So this is what you used on Oscar Finley?’

  ‘Yep,’ Penelope said. ‘Well, I only really got to question four. He didn’t like the quiz so much though. I ended up having to hold a very smelly beetle to make it up to him.’

  Bob laughed. And (this happened often once you had your very own best friend) her laugh was infectious.

  Penelope was still giggling a bit when Bob tossed the quiz questions (a little carelessly, since so much effort had gone into them) on her bed.

  ‘Hi ya!’ Bob said, karate chopping the air. ‘But everything’s worked out, hey Pen? Oscar doesn’t have a crush on you.’

  ‘True,’ Penelope replied. But, as she tucked the quiz questions back into her schoolbag, she had a sneaking suspicion (which was only a feeling and not about logic at all – a very Unusual Thing) that she was going to need the quiz sometime soon.

  Even though Bob had been Penelope’s very best friend for some time now, Penelope still felt a swarm of butterflies in her chest every time her class had to pair up for excursions. It was as though her body remembered what it was like to be left alone or paired with the teacher.

  But on Friday afternoon, as the kids formed a double line to go to the aged-care centre, Bob was right there beside her. Penelope didn’t even have to ask. The butterflies were still there, but it was a bit like being able to catch them in a net. (Not literally. Penelope would never do that.)

  The aged-care centre was an easy walk from the school. Everyone chatted and mucked around in a very Friday afternoon way. Kids kept on bumping into each other as some stopped randomly to talk to the person behind them, but Penelope didn’t mind too much. (Well, just a bit, since her precious painting was inside her schoolbag and she didn’t want it to get bumped).

  Penelope knew from previous visits that Doris (her favourite elderly person from the aged-care centre) was very artistic and even had her very own art collection when she was younger. There was a very good chance (in real life and not just a Pleasant Image) that when Doris admired her painting, the other elderly folk would follow her lead. Penelope planned to be very modest and gracious about it.

  Mr Cattapan had asked the students to leave their pictures at the centre for two weeks so that the residents could enjoy looking at them. But Penelope had secretly decided that, if the elderly people appreciated her painting, she would donate her version of Bridge over a Pond of Water Lilies forever, not just for a two-week loan.

  When they arrived, Penelope waited for a while as the other kids stuck their paintings up on the lounge-room wall with blu-tack. Then she looked for the best spot to display her picture. (She did have to shift a couple of the other pictures so that Bridge over a Pond of Water Lilies would fit in the central spot). Then she took a step backwards to see how lovely it looked.

  Pleased, Penelope turned around and there was Doris. Even though Doris was elderly, Penelope could see how artistic she was. She changed her hair colour often. The last time Penelope saw Doris (at her homemade jewellery stall), her hair had been an interesting shade of purple, and curled very tight. Today her curls were much looser and a creative sky blue, and she wore a yellow dress with loads of bangles. Penelope was pleased to see that Doris was also wearing the ladybird pendant she’d bought from the jewellery stall. (Well, she had kind of bought it. She’d given Penelope fifty dollars and told her to keep the change, which was very generous. Unfortunately, however, it was Monopoly money, so not very useful in real life.) Sheena and Rupert – who were also interested in art – were sitting to her left. The three of them were in a good position to appreciate Penelope’s painting. So it was quite unfortunate that the visiting dogs arrived at that moment. Penelope had met the dogs twice before at the aged-care home. They visited so that the elderly people (who weren’t allowed to have their own pets) could spend time with them. Which was a lovely thing.

  Not even Penelope’s excellent painting was a match for the visiting dogs. EVERYONE was looking at them: the kids from Penelope’s class, the staff and the elderly folk. Obviously they were very cute, but Penelope thought that Bob and Tilly were being a little over-the-top as they crouched next to a black and white pug, oohing and aahing. Penelope knew that the elderly folk wouldn’t view the art display until the dogs had finished doing their tricks. This was really going to slow things down.

  Penelope (very patiently) sat next to Doris and waited until the owner (finally) asked Bob and Tilly to sit down so the dog could begin the show.

  ‘Roll over Benji,’ the owner said. The little dog rolled right over and ended on his feet again. As everyone clapped, Penelope glanced sideways and saw that Doris was really enjoying this.

  ‘Play dead Benji,’ the owner commanded next. This time, Benji rolled onto his back with his legs stuck in the air. Penelope giggled and so did Doris. In fact, pretty much everyone laughed.

  The only person in the whole room who wasn’t smiling was Roy. He sat opposite Doris and Penelope, with the visiting dogs between them and his back to the art wall. He looked as though he’d made a big effort with his appearance. Normally, Roy looked a bit grotty, but today he wore a crisp white shirt with a very flash blue bow tie (even though it was more vertical than horizontal and seemed to be sticking into his chin). But, as usual, Roy’s face let him down. His mouth was a downward slash, and he shook his head from side to side disapprovingly, making his bow tie waggle. Penelope tried to read his lips. She was pretty sure this was what he was muttering:

  ‘Stupid tricks. Pointless tricks. What the hell is the point of those dogs anyway?’

  Nobody paid him any attention though. Roy mostly said things that were Not Positive.

  But when Benji came over to Doris for a doggy treat then licked her hand gratefully, Penelope noticed that Roy had stopped muttering.

  Finally, the visiting dogs (and their owner) left. Just as Penelope had hoped, Doris gravitated towards Penelope’s painting, with Sheena and Rupert close behind her. Penelope sidled up next to her.

  ‘It’s inspired by Monet,’ she told Doris. Doris nodded.

  ‘I can see that my dear,’ she said. ‘I like the addition of all those very lovely sparkles. What a beautiful piece of work you’ve created.’ Doris turned to a nearby staff member. ‘Kitty,’ she said (though the staff member’s name tag actually said Brenda, and Penelope was pretty sure Doris’ daughter was named Kitty), ‘could you please see to it that I make the winning bid for this young lady’s painting? It will look lovely in my apartment.’

  Brenda nodded as though she was taking the instruction seriously. But then she gave Penelope a little wink. It was very nice to hear that Doris (who had once had her very own art collection) wanted to buy her picture. But it was also a little sad, because she lived at the aged-care centre and didn’t have her own apartment any more.

  ‘Well, they’re all very good pictures,’ Sheena said. Which was a nice thing to say, but a bit general.

  Suddenly, Penelope felt something bumping the back of her knee. She turned around. The something was the arm of Roy’s wheelchair.

  ‘These are amateur paintings,’ he grumbled. ‘A waste of space. Why can’t we get some proper art on the walls by proper artists?’

  Penelope shook her head. She didn’t get too upset about Roy being EXTREMELY rude, because that was just the kind of person he was. In a way, she felt sorry for him. Penelope knew what it was like to feel EXTREMELY grumpy and cross (which always happened just before an outburst). To be stuck feeling that way all the time must be t
erribly exhausting.

  She looked around and saw Bob just a few metres away, covering up a giggle. Penelope made cross eyes at her very best friend. She would have liked to pinch her, but Bob was too far away, so cross eyes had to do.

  ‘Stupid pictures. Could’ve been done by the stupid visiting dogs,’ Roy continued ranting.

  ‘Oh come on, Roy,’ Doris said rather sternly, taking a few steps over to Roy and his wheelchair and clicking her fingers. ‘Snap out of it. These school children have taken the time to do this lovely display for us. You’re being ungrateful.’

  Penelope and Bob both watched Roy’s reaction. His face was always quite red, but now it went BEETROOT red.

  ‘I wasn’t … Doris … I didn’t … I used to … I don’t mean …’

  Nothing that came out of Roy’s mouth made sense. Not even in a rude way. It was like … well, it was like he was nervous and tongue-tied.

  Then, he backed his wheelchair right into a coffee table before wheeling his way out of the room. As Penelope watched him go, her Grandpa’s text came into her head.

  Penelope’s thoughts raced. Maybe those words had nothing to do with Harry and Ava or her and Oscar? Maybe Roy was the one who needed help with the direction of Cupid’s arrow!

  Penelope and Bob looked at each other. It was like the same thought was leaping between them (as sometimes happens with very best friends).

  It was time to deliver some Quiz Questions for Complicated Crushes.

  Penelope and Bob followed Roy into the corridor.

  ‘Roy, stop,’ Bob called after him. Roy spun his chair around.

  ‘What do you two want?’ he muttered.

  ‘We just want to ask you some questions,’ Penelope said. ‘Ten questions, in fact.’

  Roy’s wheelchair was backed against the wall of the corridor. Penelope and Bob sat on stools on either side of him.

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ Roy said.

  ‘Roy,’ Penelope answered, ‘you got seven “always’ and three “sometimes”. It’s practically a scientific fact. You have a BIG crush on Doris.’