Finally Finding Faith

by Tammy Falkner

  “We’ll be back late,” I say.

  “How late?” Granddad shoves his hands in his pockets and rocks back and forth on his heels.

  I look up at Daniel. “How late?” I ask.

  “I’ll have her home before midnight,” he says. And he suddenly looks way too serious. I forgot that he has somewhere to be at midnight.

  “Be sure you do,” Granddad warns.

  Daniel grins and rubs a finger across the bridge of his nose.

  Daniel ushers me out the door with a hand at the center of my back. I step out and walk slowly down the stairs. The sun is bright and I lift a hand to cover my eyes. “Where do you have to be at midnight?” I ask.

  “I just have something I have to do,” he says. And he suddenly looks sad. I’m sorry I asked.

  “Okay,” I say. “Where do you want to go first?” I ask.

  “We should probably go to the hotel and see if we can even get tickets for the show.”

  “You want to have some hot chocolate, first?” I ask.

  His eyes open wide. “At this time of the day?”

  I grin. He has a list, and I’m going to help him accomplish everything on it.

  Daniel

  Her boots crunch in the snow as she walks on the side of the sidewalk, leaving an unobstructed path for me and my bum leg. It’s sweet of her, but not necessary. I grab her elbow and jerk her over to me. I almost upend myself in the process, but it’s worth it when she falls against me. She’s warm and soft and she smells so good. I breathe her in, knowing I don’t get long with her. I’m going to enjoy every minute I have.

  “You manhandle all your dates?” she asks, and I can’t bite back my grin.

  “That wasn’t a manhandle.” I tap the tip of her cold nose with my finger. “That was a well choreographed tactical maneuver. Worthy of a medal, if I do say so myself.”

  Her left eyebrow quirks. “I only give medals for one thing, soldier. And since I just met you today, I seriously doubt you’ll be earning that on this date.”

  I narrow my eyes at her. Hello manmeat. So nice of you to pay a visit. I try to subtly adjust my junk. She grins even more, her rosy cheeks blushing. “Did you really just say that?” I ask. But I’m grinning so wide my face hurts.

  “Say what?” she asks, looking all innocent. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her gaze drops toward my lap. She hooks her fingers in my belt loops and rocks me toward her, until we’re touching below the belt. I grimace, because I know she can feel that.

  “Sorry,” I whisper.

  “For what?” she whispers back.

  “For being a guy,” I say.

  She points southward. “Oh, that’s your excuse. Here I was thinking I’m irresistible.”

  That too. I lift my hand and cup the side of her face. Her skin is soft and warm. My hands are calloused and rough, and I almost hate to touch her with these hands. They’re scarred and not nearly good enough. I take a deep breath to fortify myself and just when I’m about to pull my hand down, she covers the back of my hand with hers. She turns her head and places her lips against my palm.

  “You make me want to wake up,” I say. I close my eyes as soon as the words touch the cold air, because I didn’t mean to say them out loud.

  “Then wake the fuck up,” she says back playfully. She inches a little closer, until her chest touches mine.

  “I don’t know if I can. Time stopped for me a long time ago.” I glance at my watch.

  “Look around you,” she says quietly. There’s a soft smile on her face, and her eyes don’t look away from my face as I take in the city. It’s just starting to wake. People scurry from place to place, and traffic is moving. “Time didn’t stop. You did.”

  Our breaths mingle in front of us. My fucking breath is getting closer to her than I am. It’s going to be inside her on her next inhale. And. I. Never. Will. “Did you come with me today because you think you can fix me?” I ask.

  She shakes her head. “It’s because you promised me Cinderella,” she says. This time she blushes even harder than when I was talking sexy to her. “I’ve always wanted to see it.” She shrugs. “It’s on my bucket list.”

  Why would someone with so much left to live for even need a bucket list? “What else is on your list?”

  She shakes her head again. “A lot of foolish stuff.” She turns and starts to walk beside me. She points to a street vendor who’s just getting set up. “Buy me some hot chocolate,” she says, chucking my shoulder with hers. She’s gentle, because I think she knows it wouldn’t take much to knock me over. But I like the way she plays around with me. No one has done that in a long time.

  “Anything the lady wants,” I say.

  Her face sobers. “Don’t say it unless you mean it,” she warns. I pass her cup to her, and she wraps her hands around it and breaths it in. She smiles over the rim. “Thank you,” she says quietly.

  I follow her to a nearby park bench and she sits down. She’s going to freeze her ass off on the metal, but she doesn’t seem to mind. She sips her chocolate slowly, savoring every drop. She doesn’t talk. She just sits quietly.

  “My mom and I did this every New Year’s Eve,” I say.

  She looks up at me and scoots closer, her thigh pressing against mine. The heat of her seeps through my pant leg. I put one arm behind her on the back of the bench. “Your mom is gone, too?” she asks.

  I nod. Then I grunt. I don’t mean to do the last. But she doesn’t seem to mind. “Cancer,” I say.

  “Before or after you got hurt?” she asks.

  “Before.” I drink my chocolate and pretend like I’m interested in it. But all I’m interested in is kissing her.

  “So, you and she came here every year and brought the new year in together?” She lays her hand on my thigh. It’s comfortable and so… not.

  I nod.

  “You miss her.” It’s not a question. It’s a statement.

  “Like crazy some days.”

  “Were you close?” Her hand squeezes my thigh. It’s a delicate touch, but more powerful than anything I’ve felt in a very long time.

  “Very.”

  She yawns, and covers her mouth. I suddenly feel terrible for keeping her up all night working on my watch. “Do you want me to take you home so you can get some sleep? I could pick you up tonight in time for the show.”

  “Nan’s day nurse will be in soon, and then it’s “keep Nan awake” time, so she’ll sleep at night. She never does, but they still try. There’s no sleep during the day when that’s happening.” She shakes her head, yawning again. “And I don’t trust you by yourself,” she says.

  She couldn’t possibly know what I have planned. Could she? My heart starts to thud. “What do you mean?”

  She grins. “I’m afraid you won’t come back to get me.” She sobers and looks into my eyes. “Plus, I want to experience your New Year’s Eve.” She looks up at me, her eyes searching mine. “Unless you don’t want me to.”

  I want her to. I really, really do. “It’s barely eight am,” I say. “We have hours before Rocko’s opens and we can start working down the list. What do you want to do until then?” I’m up for anything, but I’d love some guidance.

  “Can you take me to bed?” she asks. She yawns again.

  “Bed?” I croak out.

  She nods and lays her head on my shoulder. “We could take a nap. I could be persuaded to snuggle.”

  I can’t think of anything I’d enjoy more, so I take her hand and pull her up from the bench. “You always this easy to get into bed?” I ask. I’m joking, but I’m kind of… not. I know I’m not going to have sex with this woman.

  Her breath catches. And for the first time all day, she won’t look me in the face. “You wouldn’t happen to have double beds, would you?”

  I shake my head. “A king,” I say.

  “It’ll do,” she says, and she tangles her fingers with mine and we walk toward my hotel. I have never felt quite so hopeful. At least not in a ve
ry long time. “You going to stay on your side?” she asks.

  I snort. “Do I look stupid?”

  Faith

  You know that moment in a movie when the girl walks into the dark basement to see what a noise was and you sit there screaming at the TV. No, don’t go in there! There’s a killer waiting to slash your throat down there in the dark! Yeah, this is my moment. Daniel opens the door to his hotel room and steps back so I can precede him. I grab the lapels of his jacket in my fists and look up at him. “You’re not going to hurt me, are you?”

  His brow line shoots up. “Umm,” he says.

  “Have you ever killed anybody?” I ask quickly.

  He nods. “I was in the army.”

  I shake my head frantically. “Outside the line of duty? Have you ever decapitated a strange, stupid woman who went back to your hotel room with you after seeing you across a room for a couple of hours?”

  He laughs. It’s a deep belly laugh and it sounds so good on him. “You think I’d tell you if I did?” He turns me, smacks my bottom soundly and says, “Into the den of sin, lady. I’m right behind you with my handcuffs.”

  The door snicks closed behind us and I lift a fingernail to my lips and nibble it. Maybe this wasn’t such a smart idea. Daniel reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pocketknife.

  “Why do you have a knife?” I ask. I take two steps back.

  He chuckles and looks me in the eye. “Real men carry pocket knives,” he says. “You never know when you’ll need to cut something.” He lifts my arm and puts the knife in my hand, closing my fist around it. “So you can protect yourself from anything that goes bump in the dark,” he whispers. He tweaks my nose. “Including me.”

  “Do you have any other weapons?” I ask.

  He nods. “I have a gun in the safe.” This time, he busies himself not looking at me.

  “Locked up?” I ask.

  He nods and grins.

  “Why do you have a gun?” I ask.

  “Because I have a right to bear arms,” he says with a shrug. He points to my hand. “But now you have a knife so you have nothing to worry about.”

  “Except you taking it from me and using it on me.”

  He takes his coat off and hangs it on the back of a chair. “If I wanted to do that, I would have already done it, dummy,” he says. He narrows his eyes and finally looks at me. “Why did you come here with me?” he asks. “Truly?”

  Should I tell him? Should I tell him I saw the desperation in his eyes? Should I tell him I know how he’s feeling like all hope is lost? Should I tell him how I can sense it? “I once felt as lost as you,” I say quietly.

  “I’m not lost,” he says. His voice is suddenly rough and abraded. “I’m right where I want to be.”

  “I don’t mean directionally,” I shoot back.

  “I’m not directionally challenged,” he says. He’s still tense, though, and I can tell I offended him.

  “I wanted to help you with your list,” I say. I bite my lips together to keep from saying more that could offend him.

  “Why?” he asks. He starts to rummage in his suitcase, pulling out fresh boxers and a T-shirt. He throws a pair of jeans over his shoulder.

  I heave a sigh. This is getting worse and worse. “Because I can?” I squeak out.

  He approaches me slowly. “The truth, Faith,” he says. “Were you hoping to show me the light? To save my wretched soul?”

  “Honestly?” I ask. I bite my lower lip and he watches my mouth closely, and licks his.

  “No, lie to me,” he jokes. But he’s serious.

  “I just wanted to make you smile,” I say. “That’s all.” My voice cracks. “Do you want me to leave?”

  He holds up three fingers. “Three things,” he says. He shows me one finger. “One – you can’t try to fix me, okay?”

  I nod. I can try to fix him without him knowing, can’t I?

  He holds up two fingers. “Two – I am not going to chop off any vital parts of your anatomy.” His eyes slide slowly up and down my body. “I like all your parts exactly like they are. While you’re breathing. It would seriously be a travesty to change one single thing about you.”

  “What’s number three?” I squeak.

  He holds up three fingers. “Three,” he says. He breathes out a heavy sigh. “I am not going to fall in love with you, no matter what.” He walks slowly toward me. I roll the pocketknife in my hand and he chuckles. He’s smiling, though. “Now, if you’re okay with my list, I’ll see you when I get out of the shower.” He leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead. He lingers there, taking in a deep breath.

  “You’re smelling me again,” I whisper.

  His chest rumbles. “I know,” he whispers back. He finally lifts his head and I feel a cool spot on my skin where his kiss was. He goes into the bathroom and closes the door behind him. I sink down on the edge of the bed, because I don’t want to go anywhere else. Nowhere else at all.

  I pull my boots off, because they’re wet and dirty. I really should have worn socks that match. One of my socks is neon pink with leopard spots and the other is camouflage. Then I pull my sweatshirt over my head and lay it beside me. I don’t know what to do with myself.

  I suppose this is no different than going home with a random stranger, is it? Nope. At least this random stranger met my grandparents and they know I’m with him, so it’s not as though I’m out in the universe alone. I either need to leave or get over it. I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere. I yawn into my fist. And I do want a nap. My eyelids are growing heavier and heavier every minute.

  The bathroom door opens and he sticks his head out. His hair is wet and sticking out in all directions. He grins at me, and he looks particularly boyish. “Can you do me a favor?” he asks. He has enough of his chest sticking out that I can see that he’s wearing a T-shirt.

  I look around. Did he forget something? “What?” I ask.

  “Can you close your eyes?” He grimaces.

  “Why?” Okay, that was a stupid question. But now it’s out there.

  He frowns. “Just do it, please?”

  I cover my eyes with my hands and I hear him hop across the carpet. It’s a steady thump. He took his leg off and he doesn’t want me to see it? I keep my eyes covered until the bed shifts beside me and I feel the covers furrow around me.

  “You can open them now,” he says. “It’s rather ungraceful to hop across the carpet,” he rushes to explain.

  I hold up a hand. “You can be as ungraceful as you need to. It won’t affect how much I like you.”

  “It’s just…” he starts. “I took my prosthesis off for my shower and it’s kind of a pain to put it back on and I’m kind of good at hopping.”

  He’s rambling. I think it’s cute. “But not good enough for me to watch you hop.” I grin.

  “Definitely not.”

  “Maybe on our second date,” I say.

  He doesn’t meet my eyes. He tosses the covers back on what I assume is my side. “C’mon,” he says. “Bring your knife.” He laughs.

  I get up and close the drapes, leaving nothing more than a crack so a sliver of light steals into the room. I see him put his hands behind his head as he looks at me. “You can’t sleep in jeans,” he says. “You’ll be uncomfortable.”

  “You trying to get me naked?” I ask.

  “Yep,” he says crisply. “Is it working?”

  “Nope,” I reply.

  “There are brand new boxers in my bag, if you want to wear them.”

  I go to his bag and riffle around until I find an unopened pack of underwear. I take them into the bathroom, slide out of my jeans, and pull them on. I look into the mirror and ask myself, “What am I doing?”

  I’m going to take a nap, that’s what I’m going to do.

  I walk back into the room and he turns off the bedside lamp, and now it’s finally dark. I slide under the covers and lay on my stomach with my face turned toward him.

  “I like you in my boxer
s,” he whispers.

  I do, too, but I don’t say anything.

  “You going to sleep way over there?” he asks quietly.

  “Yep,” I say.

  “You promised you’d snuggle with me,” he says. It’s little more than a breath, but I can hear it.

  I wait a pause. “Did I?”

  His hand snakes around my waist and he hooks his arm around me, drawing me forward so that he’s lined up behind me like we’re two spoons in a drawer. Like Nan and Granddad were wrapped up in each other earlier. I can feel his thighs behind mine and my bottom is in his lap. “Either you have put your gun in your pocket or you’re happy to see me,” I say when I feel him pressed against my bottom.

  “Shh,” he whispers. He brushes my hair down out of his face and I feel a quick kiss on the nape of my neck. “Go to sleep,” he says. “I’ll protect you from anything that could harm you.”

  I smile into my pillow. “Fine. Make me fall in love with you. I don’t care.”

  He tenses behind me but he doesn’t respond. His fingers play around the hem of my shirt until he finds the edge of it, and then he slides his hand beneath, pressing his palm against my skin. I dare not breathe for fear that he’ll move and take away the perfect.

  Daniel

  I wake up with a warm body curled into mine. I’m on my back, and she’s lying with her head in the crook of my arm. My whole arm is asleep, and I flex my fingers trying to get the blood to flow. I don’t want to move, though. God, I don’t want to move. I like the way she feels pressed along my side. I like it so fucking much that I won’t ever fucking move. If there was ever a time I wanted the clock to stand still, it’s now.

  Faith wiggles and her thigh presses into mine, so I do the natural thing and pull it across my body. My dick is so hard I could pound nails with it. But I don’t even want to use it. Well, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to slide into her and make her mine. But I can’t. She’s not mine. But she’s in my arms and I can pretend she’s mine for this second. Until she wakes.