Breaking Kate: The Acceptance Series

by Kelly, D.

  I couldn’t handle an engagement this early but I love, love, love a promise of the future for the two of us. It’s also not lost on me that the band is made of infinity symbols. I know he wants his family names in the infinity tattoo he has, and it makes this ring all the more special.

  “Daniel, I love the idea of a promised future. There’s no one else I want in my heart and in my life other than you. You didn’t have to buy me a ring for that, but it’s a beautiful ring, and I love the symbolism. I promise you from here on out, it’s you and me, always.” Daniel takes the ring from the box and places it on my finger. It’s a perfect fit. How in the world did he know my size? Then it hits me like a lightning bolt—Jess and her comment about Daniel while we were shopping. That sneaky bitch knew and didn’t say anything. Daniel, once again using his Jedi mind tricks, answers the unasked question.

  “Don’t be mad at Jess. She only just found out today, and Connor told her if she said anything to you about this he would dump her. I think he was actually serious, too.”

  I smile at him and hand him my bag, gazing back and forth between him and this gorgeous ring that’s now gracing my ring finger. In a way, it reminds me of the ring Michael got me. Not that they look the same, but that both of the men I have ever loved incorporated my eye color into the rings they want me to wear forever.

  “You both overreact. Jess would have never said anything about something like this. If she would have seen the ring, it would have been harder for her, but if she didn’t see it you were definitely safe. Now, open your gift.” Daniel opens the box and takes out the watch; he looks like he genuinely likes what he sees. He puts it on and it fits perfectly.

  “Take it off, there’s an inscription on the back.”

  Shaking his head and smiling at the same time, he removes the watch and reads the inscription out loud, “Forever yours, Love Kate and you even had them put an infinity symbol at the bottom. God, I love you so much. Dance with me.” He holds out his hand to me and pulls me close to him. The song just changed and it couldn’t be more perfect—Lady Antebellum’s When You Got A Good Thing. There’s no way he could know I love this song, but the fact that it’s on his iPod makes me happy to know we even have the same taste in music.

  “I love this song; it’s perfect for this moment, too.”

  “Me, too. Kate, you are my happily ever after. You have no idea how peaceful I feel right now, how in love I am with you. I’m going to do everything in my power to make you happy.” It’s a surreal moment—one of those that doesn’t come around often and just needs to be enjoyed. Neither of us says anything; we just hold each other and dance. After we’ve danced a few songs, Daniel whispers in my ear, “I love you, Kate. Let me make love to you.”

  “I love you, too,” I reply before kissing him. It’s different this time; it’s a long, slow, beautiful kiss full of promises of the future and so much love. There’s no rush—we’re just enjoying each other.

  Daniel leads me to the bed and I sit. Kneeling down on the floor, he removes my shoes. Taking my left foot first, he gives me a foot massage, and then does the same to the right foot. Kissing me from my toes, he works his way up to my thighs, paying equal attention to each leg on his way up. He murmurs, “So beautiful, Kate. You are just so beautiful.” I’m dying for him to take me already. My little panties are drenched, but it’s okay because there’s no rush. One by one, he removes my stockings and garters. “Move up to the top of the bed, baby. I want to see all of you.” While I move, he takes off his boxers, and he’s more than ready for me.

  I love looking at him. I don’t think he even notices me looking him over because he’s too busy taking me in. Crawling across the bed, kissing me from foot to thigh, he slowly peels off my panties. Very tenderly, he runs one finger across my clit and down to my entrance, just teasing me ever so slightly.

  “I love that you’re ready for me already, Kate. You respond to me as quickly as I do to you.” He trails light kisses along my slick folds and flicks his tongue across my clit just once.

  “Oh Daniel, yes.” He laughs lightly and shakes his head.

  “No, Kate, I want to enjoy you. It’s not going to be that easy yet. Now, to decide if I want the corset on or off. As much as I love the way you look in it, it presents a problem in that I can’t touch or taste you, so I think it must come off.”

  Without warning, he flips me over onto my belly and slowly starts unhooking the corset. Once he a has it undone, he slowly kisses up the backs of my thighs and across my buttocks, grazing incredible kisses across my low back in that perfect spot that makes me tingle everywhere. He begins massaging and kneading my back and shoulders, all while planting kisses all over me. Moving my hair to the side, he kisses and sucks the back of my neck. I’m whimpering as he runs his hands through my hair, kisses my neck, and nibbles on my ears. I try and reach behind me to pull his head to me, but he’s just not having it and lets out a laugh.

  “Patience, sweetheart, we’ll get there; I can tell you enjoy this. I love the noises you make when I run my hands through your hair. I love how you melt into the bed when I kiss your low back, just above your tight ass. I especially love how you call out my name when I slide my finger inside you here.”

  “Daniel.”

  “I know, sweetheart. I can read your body. Just enjoy this.” How can I not when he’s so gentle and so right?

  After a little more massaging, he flips me over, moving my corset out of the way and goes straight to my belly button. Tugging, kissing, and sucking, he works his way up to my breasts. Finally, he’s positioned between my legs. I can feel his length pushing up on me and I know I’m not going to last long at all. He’s propped up on an elbow, running his hands through my hair just millimeters from my lips.

  “I love you, Kate.”

  Before I can respond, he kisses me and slides inside me at the same time. I’m overcome with sensation from all the foreplay. As I wrap my legs around his hips and pull him in deep, I can already feel my orgasm, but I don’t want to come yet.

  “It’s okay, let me feel you.” I come fast and hard while Daniel holds back. I don’t know where he gets his willpower from.

  He has one hand behind my head and stays moving in a slow rhythmic pattern, continuously kissing me, somehow making his movements match the kiss. It’s never ending pure bliss, and it dawns on me that this is really the first time I’ve ever made love—the first time my entire heart and soul has belonged to someone completely. I was always holding back before, at least somewhat, but I’m not anymore. It’s a freeing realization. A few tears fall from my eyes and Daniel stops,

  “No, Daniel, don’t stop. They’re happy tears—one hundred percent over the moon happy tears. Please keep going, I’m so close.”

  Daniel crushes his mouth back to mine and picks up the pace a little bit. I’m meeting him thrust for thrust, pulling him in deeper with my legs around his waist.

  “Oh god. I’m going to come again. Please, baby, I have to do it with you. Please come with me”

  “Now, Kate. Come with me.” We both come at the same time and more tears fall from my eyes. Damn hormones. Daniel wipes away my tears and pulls me close to him.

  “Why are you crying? I understand you said they’re happy tears, but I’ve never been with a girl who cried during sex, although I have heard of it. I just need to know if this is, um, normal for you.” I laugh and take a deep breath. I can tell him anything; he owns my heart.

  “I just realized something. Sorry if it’s girly, but remember when I told you that I’ve never been as content as I am with you?” He nods. “Please don’t be angry. This was a good thing for me, and I hope, for us. I realized that you are the first man I have ever really made love to—real love, lifelong passionate love, soul mate love. You gave that to me, Daniel, and it’s the biggest gift I’ve ever received. I’m complete when I’m with you. That piece of my heart that died with my mom is back; you brought it back and made me whole again. I was crying because I realized I�
��m not broken anymore and I’ve been broken for so very long.”

  Daniel gets up, not saying a word as he goes and turns on the water in the bathtub. When he comes back in he grabs my hand.

  “Come take a bath with me, I want to talk to you.”

  He grabs our champagne glasses and the bottle and puts them by the tub. He steps in first and helps me in; my tub is huge, so it can fit both of us with room to spare. He sits behind me so I can lean back on him. Lifting his glass, he makes a toast, “To us,” he says, and I reply the same. I’m curious as to why he didn’t talk to me in bed, but maybe I just overwhelmed him.

  “It breaks my heart to think of you as broken, and even more so to think of you as having been broken since your mom passed away. That was so long ago. I don’t understand why Michael didn’t see that and help you. I’m really starting to dislike that guy. I love that you feel like I’m the first person that you have really made love to because I feel the same way. I thought I was in love before, but now I know the difference between love and lust. Kate, you are definitely my love. I will always love you, Kate, no matter what. Even if we fight and I get angry, just know that I love you first and foremost.”

  “Me, too. There are some things I wanted to talk to you about and now is as good of a time as any. First, I want to clear something up about Michael, and then I’m going to tell you something that is going to make you like him even less. Can you pour me some more champagne? I think I’m going to need it.” He’s talented—he pours it in my glass over my shoulder and pours himself some more as well.

  “Michael is, or was, a really, really good guy. I know he loved me with all his heart and soul and I know I loved him just as much. I know that I’m more broken now than I was back then because of what happened after we broke up. Michael was there when my mom died. We all saw what happened. Jess and I were like sisters already, so we bonded over our grief; she helped me and so did Michael.

  From that day forward he was like my protector, always saving me from things that might hurt me or things I might not want to see or hear. Eventually, it became part of his personality and our relationship. I loved his protection and soon came to rely on it and to expect it.

  “The summer before freshman year, we decided to try a relationship. We fell in sync with each other. We never fought, and everyone assumed we would be getting married someday. They were right. The night before we broke up was the night he was going to propose. That’s the night everything fell apart. He never proposed, and I became even more broken. I realize now, that by Michael stepping in and protecting me, he kept me from having to deal with things and that kept me from healing. I called him for weeks after the breakup and could never get a hold of him. Jess went to his house, he yelled at her, told her to go away and never come back, that he didn’t want anything to do with either of us ever again. She was devastated. She told me it looked like he was moving. Michael just didn’t give up on me; he gave up on her, too. We were The Three Musketeers—best friends for ten years—it was devastating to us. More champagne, please, I need it to keep going.” Daniel pours me more and runs his hand along my arm, encouraging me and letting me know it’s okay.

  “I was a mess, always crying and trying to learn to live without him. I had never been so hurt by anyone before. I wasn’t eating much and started getting sick, throwing up constantly what little I did get in my system came right back out. Jess took me to the emergency room when I passed out in front of her. She was terrified I was going to die like my mom did. I can’t begin to imagine how scary that was for her. It was then I found out I was pregnant. I was admitted for severe dehydration.

  “I didn’t know when I got the stomach flu that the antibiotics could decrease the effectiveness of the pill. We were on vacation in the Bahamas—they didn’t ask about the pill and I didn’t think to mention it I was so sick. That’s how I got pregnant. While I was in the hospital, they sent a counselor in to talk to me. She was the reason I chose my career path. I always knew I wanted to work with kids, but I was still trying to figure out in what capacity.

  “The counselor helped me understand that even if I felt horrible I had to work toward getting better so that I could take care of myself and my baby. Keeping the baby wasn’t even a question. I already loved it and I knew Michael would come back. It wasn’t easy, but every day I went through the motions. Jess was my rock; she made sure I knew we were in it together. She even figured out how we could stagger our classes so we could both stay in school full time with a baby in the house. I owe her everything. When I was twenty-six weeks along, Jess and I were heading up to see Maryanne for the weekend. The car in front of us blew a tire and lost control. Jess had to slam on her brakes to avoid hitting them head on. The car behind us rear-ended us and knocked us into the center divider. It was a slow speed accident and no one’s fault. I know that now, and I knew it then on some level. The airbag went off and hit my chest and abdomen, the impact causing a placental abruption. I was rushed into surgery, and they were able to control the bleeding, but I lost my little girl that day.”

  “Oh god, Kate, I’m so very sorry.”

  “I realize it was what was meant to happen. I wouldn’t want a child coming into the world whose father hated its mother. The timing wasn’t right, and one day when I’m ready to be a mommy God will send her back to me. The only people who know are Jess, Maryanne, Marc, my therapist, doctors, and now you. I named her Lila Hope. After that day I was angry for a long time, so angry at Michael. I blamed the whole mess on him on the fact that he never knew, and never cared enough to know. I figured God was taking care of something not meant to be because Michael wasn’t involved. Anything to deflect my hurt, after a week or so the anger started to slowly dissipate and I just went back to being broken. Everything I had ever loved and cared for had either left me or died.

  “When I say I was broken, I don’t mean I was just hurting or sad. Have you ever been in a place where you just feel like you cease to exist? I didn’t want to die; I just didn’t want to be anymore. Every breath I took was painful—every inhale felt like a knife stabbing me in the heart; the deeper I tried to breathe the more excruciating the pain. I just couldn’t catch my breath and forget about sleep. At first, the nightmares were of Michael yelling at me, taking the ring away, and blaming me for what happened. After Lila, the dreams got worse; I would dream of the life she could have had if Michael and I had stayed together then I would wake up to the crushing reality that my baby girl never was meant to have those moments with me. In my dreams she was always around two years old with my green eyes, my mother’s eyes… and her daddy’s beautiful blonde hair.

  “Between Jess, Maryanne and Marc, they got my head on straight. I started doing what the counselor wanted me to—I got up, went to classes, to the cemetery and home; every single day it was the same routine. I threw myself into my books and worked my ass off. Eventually, I started volunteering at the center and that made me feel better. This past year, I’ve finally been healing. I think my psychology classes finally started paying off. I know that even though I’m very angry with Michael, I still love him, not romantically, but more like a brother that I miss with all my heart.” By now I’m sobbing.

  “The only other person in my life was Marc, my soul keeper. He’s one of my best friends and my sounding board when I need a guy’s perspective. We lost our moms the same year and were able to bond in a way nobody could understand. Marc has gotten me through some of the hardest times of my life. Michael doesn’t like him, but who was I supposed to talk to about Michael to get a guy’s opinion? It was always Marc. You’ll like him; he doesn’t like Michael, so you have something in common.

  “Then I met Connor; he was my first new friend in years and he took me under his wing. I saw the way he treated other girls, but he was never like that with me. The best thing about meeting Connor is that he led me to you, Daniel; you are my heart. I think I am finally, truly healed and it’s all because of you.

  Daniel exhales loudly befor
e speaking, “I wish I would have met you sooner. I’m so very sorry you have had to go through all of this by yourself. Someday, when you’re ready, I would like to go with you to see your daughter if you wouldn’t mind.”

  I shake my head. “No, I wouldn’t mind at all. I’m just not ready yet, but soon, okay?”

  “Of course, whenever you want; just let me know. You were right; I like Michael even less after that story. As much as I hate what I’m going to say, I think it’s the right thing to do. You need to find him and settle your differences.

  “Kate, the only way you’re going to fully heal, even though you feel better is for you to tell him about his daughter. If it were me I would want to know. I know he ran and fell out of touch but maybe you should find him. I’ll help you. I want you to be able to be whole. I can tell you right now I think he’s a huge jerk. That being said, you do know now that it’s not his fault Lila died, right? It was just not meant to be, baby, and that sucks because things like that shouldn’t happen, but it was just a random freak accident.”

  “I know that now. It took a while for me to convince Jess of that; she blamed herself for it for a long time. I knew it wasn’t her fault, and because I had to convince her it helped reiterate it to myself that it was just an accident. Knowing that and feeling that are two different things, though.” He kisses the top of my head.

  “Come on, Kate, let me put you to bed. It’s been a long, wonderful, yet very emotional night, and I think we could both use a good night’s sleep.”

  “You’ll stay with me, right?”

  “Of course, where else would I go? There is no one I would rather spoon naked and sleep with than you.” I smile up at him and kiss him as he helps me up.

  “Me, either. It’s always going to be you.”

  It felt so good telling Daniel everything that has happened to me since Michael left. I really think that was one of the final steps of fully healing. Unfortunately, Daniel is right; the last step needs to be to track down Michael and tell him what happened. I don’t know if I really think he deserves an explanation, but he should know he had a daughter. It’s not something I can put my energy into right now, though. I’ll do it this summer, and maybe I can tell him about the money, too. I’m truly blessed to have Daniel in my life; he’s willing to face his insecurities about Michael in order to be sure I have closure, even though he’s afraid it could potentially hurt him. It would never even cross my mind to leave Daniel for Michael, especially not after tonight.