Lacey Luzzi: S'mored: A humorous, cozy mystery! (Lacey Luzzi Mafia Mysteries Book 5)

by Gina LaManna

  “I didn’t bring a lot of snacks,” I said. “I thought we’d be driving to the cabin by now, and I’d planned to stop halfway and get some real food.”

  “If you mean that we’re stopping at the Dairy Queen halfway between here and Tonka, then I’m okay with that.” Meg shifted so that her feet were back on the ground, then leaned her torso so far out the window I worried she’d fall right onto the curb.

  “Whoa there, don’t pop.” I tried my best to guide Meg’s figure back through the window, but her curves were just a little bit too plentiful.

  She’d rolled the glass only halfway down before leaning out, and in doing so, had gotten herself stuck between the top of the car door and the windowpane.

  “Stop shoving me inside the car,” Meg grunted. “That hurts!”

  “Why don’t you roll the window all the way down? I left the keys in the car so you could keep the AC on full blast, like you asked.”

  “I’m in pain,” Meg wailed. “Hey Lacey, I think I’m stuck.”

  I took a step back to survey the damage. A quick scan told me all I needed to know. “Yeah, you’re stuck.”

  “Don’t just watch me. Help a sister out!” Meg’s eyes widened as she tried to move, her arms stuck outside the car, with her legs inside. She didn’t get very far.

  “I’m coming,” I said, still surveying the best way to handle the situation. “Hold on. I have to squeeze. Past. You.”

  My doors always locked automatically, whether the keys were in the ignition or not. I wasn’t sure if this was supposed to happen, but my Lumina had more than a few odd quirks. It was understandable, since the car had withstood multiple explosions and high-speed chases. These “special features” only became a hassle in times like these, when I was on the outside of the vehicle, and my keys were locked on the inside.

  “Can you reach the window button?” I asked. “Try rolling it down a bit to give you some wiggle room.”

  “No. My hands are out here.” Meg waved at me, her hands well outside the car. “But this window here is kinda cutting off my circulation. Do you have a cigarette?”

  “Why do you need a cigarette?”

  “To calm me down so I breathe slower and conserve oxygen.”

  “I think that would make it worse. Plus, smoking is bad. Sorry, I don’t have one.” I gave an exasperated wave of my hands. “Can you reach the window button with your toe?”

  Ignoring my question, she replied, “I got one. A cigarette. It’s in my purse.” Meg nodded her head backwards, but her skull cracked against the roof of the car. “Youch. Now I really need a cig, for pain management.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Your purse is in the car. I can’t get inside. That’s the whole problem.”

  “Girl, break a window or something. I’m dyin’ here!” Meg looked at my puny arms. “On second thought, you’d break yourself before you busted the window, and then you wouldn’t be any help. Call your man Anthony, stat.”

  “No,” I said, putting my hands on my hips. “I’m not calling him twice in two hours for our silly mistakes. We’ll figure this out ourselves. We just have to be resourceful.”

  “How do you figure this is a mistake?” Meg asked. “This ain’t no mistake. Consider this a natural disaster.”

  “Meg, you got stuck halfway out my car window asking for a snack. I’d call that human error.”

  “First of all, that’s harsh. Second of all, I’m still waiting for that cigarette. Fourth of all – wait a minute. Did I skip third? Third of all…”

  I left Meg to her list as I quickly ran down to the end of the corner and peeked around in all directions, looking for any sign of Carlos’s men. Maybe I could find one of the guards and get him to help.

  Unfortunately, nobody was around.

  By the time I hoofed it back, Meg was well into the upper teens with her list. “Eighteenth of all – wait. Did I start counting by two’s? Chickadee,” Meg gasped. “My oxygen tank is running low. It’s starting to mess with my counting abilities.”

  “Hang in there. You just need more practice with numbers, since you skipped most math classes your entire life,” I said. “Keep counting for now. I think I see Carlos.”

  As Meg hit number twenty-four, a spiffy black Bentley rolled up and parked across the street. Sucking in some much needed air, I jogged across the intersection, noting the rest of the neighborhood was also springing to life. Which could only mean one thing.

  Carlos’s bodyguards were here.

  Having worked on a few assignments by now, I could pick out the green minivan pulling up to the curb, depositing a swarthy man who poorly pretended to check the vehicle’s tires, all while keeping an eye on the Bentley. I noticed a second man booting the smoking teenager out of the tree fort, while a third guard appeared from around the corner.

  The last guard – a man made up of six feet of muscle and a murderous expression – strolled behind a poodle with a pink leash. The poor guy looked as if he’d rather be shoving nails into his butt cheeks than trailing the fluff ball, but I guess on short notice he’d had to borrow the closest dog available.

  I glanced around and raised an eyebrow at Carlos. “Last minute surveillance?”

  “Get in,” Carlos said. “We don’t have much time.”

  I hopped in. “What’s up? Is everything okay?”

  “Yes.” Carlos spoke in a low voice, his eyes darting about.

  As the mob boss, he had every reason to be paranoid. Men across the planet had set a price on his head. But I’d never seen him out of his element before. Carlos’s element was confident, powerful, and strategic. However, at the moment he seemed unsure.

  “Why did you want me to meet you here?” I glanced over at him.

  “Where’s that girl – the one going with you to the cabin?” Carlos asked, looking out the window. “Isn’t she here with you?”

  A small red light blinked on Carlos’s radio, distracting me from answering. Had it been anyone else’s car, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but Carlos’s vehicle had more features than a SWAT van.

  Reaching out a hand, Carlos pressed the radio’s on button. He spoke in no particular direction, “What is it?”

  “We scoured the perimeter, sir. All is clear, except for—” The professional voice trailed off, insinuating that all was not clear. I closed my eyes. I knew what the guard would say before the words echoed through the vehicle.

  “Except for what?” Carlos’s question was sharp as an icy razor.

  “There seems to be a minor disturbance on the block, sir,” the guard said.

  “Well, take care of it,” Carlos snapped. “That’s why I pay you.”

  “There’s more, sir. The disturbance is coming from a vehicle we believe belongs to your granddaughter.”

  Carlos’s gaze slowly turned towards me. “I see. What seems to be the problem?”

  “There’s a few issues, sir. First, the vehicle in question is coming up as stolen when we run the plates,” the voice said. I stared at the ceiling. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted Clay’s friend. The friend who’d conveniently lost the title to my car when I purchased it with cash.

  “Interesting,” Carlos said. “Take care of the disturbance, use force on him as necessary. I’ll take care of my granddaughter.”

  The guard spoke hesitantly, as if the last thing he wanted was to be relaying more bad news. “Sir, the disturbance is actually a she. And the target in question appears to be almost unclothed and stuck in the car window. She says her name is Meg and she needs a cigarette.”

  I sighed.

  Before Carlos could respond, the guard spoke again. “I have an update, sir. The target says she needs a cigarette badly, sir.”

  Carlos’s head turned towards me so slowly, I had all the time in the world to think of an appropriate response. But it wasn’t my fault that there was no appropriate response.

  “Take care of this,” Carlos said to me, gesturing to the dashboard.

  A few of Meg’s screeches
filtered through the speaker system. I leaned forward and spoke into the LED light. “Yeah, that would be my friend – she’s safe to touch. Well, for the most part. Would one of you boys mind busting her out of my car?”

  “By your car, I assume you mean the stolen vehicle you claim is yours?” the guard said.

  It took everything I had in me not to say a few choice words to him. “Yes, that’s the one.” I gritted my teeth as I continued to speak into the dashboard, leaning close enough to touch it. “If you could somehow manage to get her loose without breaking the window, I’d appreciate it.”

  “You don’t need to put your mouth onto the dashboard,” Carlos said, a crispy tone to his voice. “You’re getting drool on my upholstery. And the microphone is on the roof.”

  “Oh.” I looked upward.

  “You can’t see it,” he said.

  “Right.” For lack of something better to do, I crossed my arms over my chest. The air suddenly felt a few degrees cooler.

  Carlos pressed another button. Meg’s pleas for a cigarette disappeared from the radio, and we fell into silence. I couldn’t help but wonder what had Carlos so on edge – it wasn’t like I’d dragged him to a street corner when he was supposed to be on vacation.

  “So, you’re going out to Tonka this weekend,” Carlos said with a lighter tone.

  “Yes, thank you again for the lodgings.” I used a cautious tone, wary of his sudden friendliness.

  “It’s no problem. I was wondering, if you have free time on your trip,” Carlos paused and glanced at me, “would you do me a favor?”

  More than a little hesitation weighed on my mind. I was really hoping the favor would be dropping off a cake at a neighbor’s place, but due to the clandestine nature of our quick chat, I didn’t think that’d be the case.

  “I need you to check out a little bar. Gabe’s, it’s called. Real country bar, hick joint over there.” Carlos seemed to speak into the steering wheel.

  “Great! Finally a task fitting for my experience. You want me to sample their drinks?” I grinned. “Meg will love this assignment.”

  “Drinking on the job is frowned upon,” Carlos said.

  “Er, right,” I said, thinking of Carlos’s limoncello consumption and Nora’s wine habit. I thought it best not to bring up the double standard.

  “There’s a diamond ring running their goods through Tonka,” Carlos began, all business once more. “Due to the large highway intersection just outside of town, Tonka is a perfect place for the runners to pass off shipments between crews.”

  My blood had already begun to chill. This didn’t sound relaxing. “Sorry, but what does that have to do with the bar? And why do you care?”

  “It doesn’t matter why I care.” Carlos looked straight ahead. “The bar is a place to start. If anyone wants gossip in Tonka, they go to Gabe’s.”

  “Gabe’s it is,” I said.

  Carlos gave a nod of agreement. We sat in silence, as I digested this small favor Carlos had requested. Already, this vacation was not as relaxing as I’d hoped it’d be, and we hadn’t even gotten on the freeway yet.

  Remembering Harold’s words – don’t accept an assignment from Carlos – I mustered up a little grit and faced my grandfather. “You know, I’m supposed to be on vacation, Carlos. If I’m going to be getting mixed up in something like diamond smuggling, I think I deserve to know why.”

  Carlos opened his mouth, but the red LED light blinked again. He punched the radio on button once again.

  A different guard began speaking immediately. “Sir, I’ve got an update on the situation in Lacey’s stolen vehicle.” I held my breath. Please, don’t break the window. I wasn’t in the mood to get car repairs today.

  “Go on,” Carlos said.

  “Sir, we’ve retrieved the suspect from the car. No mishaps except for a small wardrobe malfunction. Er, correction: a rather large wardrobe—”

  “That’s enough,” Carlos barked at the speaker. He hit the off button and glanced my way. “The reason isn’t important right now, Lacey. Trust me, I’m only asking you to visit the bar and see if there’s any gossip. That’s it.”

  “That’s rarely ever it,” I said. “Most of your assignments turn out to be a whole lot more complicated than they sound.”

  “Not this one,” Carlos said. “Have an omelet and a coffee on me at Gabe’s. Tell the barista hello. Listen for gossip. If there is none, no problem.” Carlos clapped his hands to show just how easy the assignment would be.

  “And if there is gossip?” I asked.

  “Then relay it directly to me. Your work is done after that.” Carlos reached a hand up and rested it on my shoulder. “Go to Gabe’s and have a drink. That’s all.”

  I sighed. “I don’t feel like I have a choice.”

  “Safe travels.” Carlos ignored my complaint. “Call me with any updates.”

  “All right,” I said, reaching for the handle. “Oh, and why couldn’t you have asked me this at the house? Why did you drive all the way out here in secret with your undercover posse?”

  Carlos cleared his throat. “That’s the other thing. I’d appreciate if you’d keep this under wraps. Nora would not be pleased to hear I’ve asked this favor of you. On your vacation, at least.”

  Ahh, now it all made sense. Carlos hadn’t sent me to the cabin out of the kindness of his heart. He had an agenda, but he’d hidden the true reason for the trip from his wife. Which was probably smart, since Nora would birth an entire herd of cows if she knew Carlos was interrupting Operation Get-Lacey-Hitched with work.

  My silence seemed to make Carlos nervous. With a resigned look, he leaned back in his seat. “You’re learning not to work for free,” he sighed. “I suppose that’s a good thing.”

  I hesitated, figuring I’d just let him keep talking, since I didn’t know what on earth he meant.

  A moment later, I realized that Carlos had interpreted my silence to mean I was upset he hadn’t offered to pay me for the gig. In reality, I was mostly wondering if I could turn in an expense report for the drinks at Gabe’s bar. But I wouldn’t complain about a little extra cash if he offered.

  “You’ve taught me well,” I said, turning my chin up and trying to sound as if I’d planned to ask for money.

  “Fine,” Carlos said. “I’ll buy your silence to Nora and compensate you for the disruption of this vacation.”

  “How do you mean…compensate?” I hoped I sounded confident. This whole bargaining-with-the-boss thing was new to me.

  Carlos wrote a number on a sheet of paper and showed it to me. I lost any semblance of a cool demeanor as my eyes widened at the figure.

  “Consider my silence bought.” I gave my grandfather a handshake and a smile as I climbed out of the car. Grinning from one ear to the next, I mentally calculated how many bathing suits I could buy Meg with that money.

  Needless to say, it was a big number.

  Chapter 5

  “This is it?” Meg asked, wrinkling her nose. “I expected it to be bigger.”

  For once, Meg wasn’t referencing any part of the human anatomy, and instead, gestured to the sprawling cabin before us.

  “What do you mean? It’s ginormous.” I stepped back and admired the beautiful landscape.

  Nothing about this place, not even the front yard, was small. Lush, rolling green hills spanned the distance between the cabin and the boat shed, which sat crooked by the lake’s edge. Grasses flowed and waved in the breeze, sloping around the water as far as the eye could see.

  On the lake itself sat two boats directly behind the cabin. One of them rocked majestically on the waves, a huge yacht reeking of extravagance. On the other side of the dock bobbed a scrappy, beat-up pontoon. It wasn’t difficult to guess which boat Carlos had given us permission to use. (Hint: it was not the yacht.)

  “Shall we?” I nodded towards the cabin, which resembled the little log houses found on the sides of syrup bottles. Times ten.

  “Yeah, I’m anxious to find my bedr
oom. Didn’t Nora say there’s like ten of them?” Meg asked. “I call the biggest one. With the comfiest bed.”

  I’d relayed Nora’s message to Meg, which was that the place had two floors and plenty of bedrooms for me, Meg, and any guests. I wasn’t expecting any guests, but that never seemed to stop folks from dropping by unannounced.

  And speaking of unannounced guests, I still held a small hope in my heart that Anthony would swing across the border to say hi. But no matter how much I missed him, I’d never confide my secret wish to Meg – it would most certainly hurt her feelings, and it was equally important for Meg and me to have a nice, girl-bonding weekend together.

  Instead of answering, I climbed out of the car and pointed to a sunny, wrap-around porch at the end of the dirt driveway.

  “That porch is so cute! It will be great to sip coffee out here in the morning, soaking up the fresh air,” I said, pointing. Wrap-around porches were one of my favorite features on any house.

  “Yeah, also it’d be great for cocktails by firelight,” Meg said. “It’s a multi-use sort of porch.”

  “Amen, sista,” I said, giving her a smile.

  There was something about the chill breeze coming from the lake and the fresh, crisp cabin air that made my shoulders relax and the tenseness from the morning’s fiascos begin to fade. So what if I had to make a quick pit stop at a bar to appease Carlos? It wasn’t like having a drink on the company dime was difficult.

  I climbed the first few steps onto the porch, basking in starlight and taking in the beautiful view of the sparkling lake. “This is paradise.”

  “Yeah, yeah, sure. Enough with nature and all that jazz. Know what else is beautiful? The chicken we bought at the store.” Meg followed close behind me, the scent of savory chicken preceding her. “Oh, crapola. I left my take-out in your trunk. You can eat it later, if you’re hungry.”

  “No! Now my car is going to smell like tacos.”

  “Actually, it’s not. I ate all of the tacos. Probably it’ll just have the scent of rotten sour cream.”

  “Wonderful,” I said. “Can you grab the bag, just in case?”