Lacey Luzzi: S'mored: A humorous, cozy mystery! (Lacey Luzzi Mafia Mysteries Book 5)

by Gina LaManna

  I hurriedly popped the trunk open. I had to grab my pajamas, hot sauce stains and all, and get back inside. Heaving the heavy metal lid open, I clapped a hand over my mouth and stepped backwards in surprise. My Target bag was tucked next to something that made my pulse freeze.

  Or rather, a someone.

  I screamed, my voice shattering the creaking quiet, interrupting the whispering water as it curled onto the sandy beach. I screamed and screamed and backed away from the car, still screaming.

  Meg came outside then, doily-dress and all. “What is that racket? Girl, my ears are poppin’ over here. I was just trying to bleach my nose hairs, and I think I singed off all my smellers, thanks to you.”

  I looked over at her, and she sobered up real quickly, after seeing the shade of white my face had turned.

  “What is it, Lace? You look like you seen a ghost,” she said, taking a few steps off the front porch.

  I raised a shaky finger and pointed at the back of the Lumina. “Look.”

  “Oh, hot damn. He landed right in my Tabasco sauce,” Meg clucked disappointedly and shook her head.

  I looked at Meg, opening and closing my mouth a few times, still too shocked to speak in full sentences. Meg straightened her shoulders and took control. “Chickadee, what you’re seeing here is a dead body. I seen plenty of ’em, on account of I used to be a cop.”

  “But why is he here? What do we do?” My voice cracked left and right and my whole body shook, but I was too scared to be self-conscious about it.

  “Huh, good question. I got no idea who this is. But maybe we should dunk him in the lake. I always wanted to fasten cement shoes on someone,” she shrugged, leaning in and taking a closer look.

  “You have cement shoes with you?” I asked.

  “No.” She crossed her arms thoughtfully. “But maybe one of them boys inside does.”

  “I think we should call the police,” I said.

  “Oh, yeah.” Meg scratched her head. “That, too. Except before you do that, hang on a sec. I gotta get rid of a few recreational materials in your stolen vehicle.”

  “You brought drugs?” I asked. “In my Lumina?”

  “Not just drugs,” Meg hedged. “Guns, too.”

  “Oh, dear Lord.”

  “Aren’t you supposed to say mamma mia, dios mio, somethin’ with a cool accent? You know, since you’re Italian?” Meg’s muffled voice asked. It appeared her rear end was speaking to me, since she’d opened a side door and began digging under one of the seats. “Got ’em.”

  “’Em?” I asked. “As in plural? Guns?”

  “As in – don’t worry about it,” Meg said, straightening up, semi-out of breath. “Go ahead and call now. I’m gonna retire to my room when the copsters arrive. You know, beauty rest. I’ve had a bad hair day what with the nostril burning and toe-fuzz debacle. But don’t you worry, I’ll wait with you ’til they get here, honey. You seem pretty surprised.”

  Surprised was an understatement. I looked quickly at the trunk. “What do we do? Do we shut it?”

  “Whatever floats your boat.” Meg shrugged. “It don’t matter to him, that’s for sure.”

  I nodded. “Yes, please. I don’t think I can stomach seeing him, just laying there all helpless.”

  Meg slammed the trunk shut and led me over to the steps.

  “Okay,” I picked up my phone to dial 911, but different numbers came out. My fingers were shaking and my heart led me to dial the only number I knew better.

  “Anthony?” I said to the silent voice on the other end of the line. “Are you busy? I promise it’s a real emergency this time.”

  Chapter 7

  I disclosed the details of exactly how I’d discovered the body to a dangerously silent Anthony. I left out the bit about my sauce-splattered pajamas and our three male visitors, preferring that information to remain a mystery for now. He was surprised enough already, and there’d be time later to fill in the rest.

  After he made sure I was okay, he double-checked that Meg was prepared to act as my bodyguard until further notice. She more than happily agreed, especially on the part about using force to protect me as necessary. I declined coverage, but like most contracts, I couldn’t find a way out of it.

  Then Anthony explained in no uncertain terms that he’d take care of things. I didn’t know exactly what he meant by that, but unless he’d turned into Harry Potter, his taking care of things didn’t get the body out of my car. The man was good, but he had his limits. At the moment, Anthony was over a hundred miles away and I didn’t think he could make people vanish by wishing them gone.

  “Oh, one more thing,” I said, just as he was about to hang up.

  “Do I want to know?” Anthony asked.

  “Well, it’s about us. You and me,” I said.

  “Is now the time to have this conversation?” Anthony asked.

  “Kind of,” I said. “Since it might be relevant to you if you’re at the estate. I kind of told Carlos and Nora that I wasn’t dating anyone. Before you get mad, I know we were going to tell them right away, but can we agree to just keep things quiet until I get back from the cabin? Pretty please?”

  The silence told me Anthony wasn’t happy.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, truly meaning it. “I know it’s important for you to be honest with Carlos, but—”

  “Lacey, we talked about this,” he started. “I don’t want our relationship to be a secret. It’s out of respect to both Carlos and you.”

  “I panicked, okay?” I burst out. “Nora was asking when I’d give her a baby. I was overwhelmed.”

  “A baby?” Anthony asked.

  “A living, breathing child,” I said. “I told her I didn’t have a boyfriend, only so that she’d leave me alone. She was saying nasty things about my ovaries.”

  “One weekend,” he said firmly. “Then we tell them.”

  “One weekend. I promise.”

  Anthony sighed. “Please try to not get into any more trouble.”

  I started to explain how it wasn’t my fault, but as usual, he was already gone.

  Chapter 8

  After I got off the phone with Anthony, I dialed the local police. Anthony said he was going to take care of things, but that still didn’t solve the fact that I had a body dipped in hot sauce just hanging out in my trunk.

  Plus, he hadn’t specifically said not to call the police. I’d only rung Anthony to let him know what was going on, not to make him drive up here and take care of things. Though if he happened to appear in my bed, I wouldn’t complain – mostly because I wasn’t sure I’d get a wink of sleep otherwise, what with three strangers alive in the house and one dead outside.

  Also, as much as I respected Anthony and his work ethic, I didn’t have plans to sit outside on the frigid front steps and wait for things to work themselves out. I wasn’t the best at my job always, but I sure as heck was going to try.

  Together, Meg and I huddled on the porch, the cement steps making our rear ends turn frozen and prickly all at once – an incredibly unpleasant sensation. Despite the discomfort, my body shook so thoroughly that I could barely focus; Meg tried to feed me leftover chicken, ply me with copious amounts of wine, and even offered to let me hold her gun for a while. Nothing worked to settle my nerves.

  I glanced at my watch, hoping the cops showed up soon. Hoping for the cops to arrive was an unfamiliar sentiment in the Luzzi business, but this was an emergency. I’d called the local station, sure they had no idea of the weight the Luzzi family name carried. Carlos operated an entire state away – this was Wisconsin. The Luzzis were headquartered in Minnesota.

  After a few minutes, Meg convinced me to have a glass of wine. For warmth, she said.

  “Nora does say that three glasses of red solve any problem,” I said, accepting it. “One glass can’t hurt.”

  “Nora’s ‘problem’ is no worse than a burnt batch of cookies,” Meg said. “You’re upgraded to crisis status. You can have a whole bottle.”

 
; My fingers shook as I took a sip, falling silent once more.

  Meg made a valiant effort to keep up a steady stream of chatter, but I couldn’t bring myself to crack a genuine smile. Slowly she lapsed into silence, the only noise an occasional pour from the wine bottle as she refilled our glasses.

  “Hey, I know you’re in shock,” she said, breaking two minutes of silence. “But the cops are going to ask you some questions when they arrive. Let’s practice now, since I’m a former cop. First question: did you know that dude?”

  “You mean the victim?” I shuddered. “Sorry, I didn’t get to thoroughly examine him. I was too busy screaming my lungs out.”

  “That happens sometimes,” Meg said. “But you saw his face, didn’t ya? He had a pretty thick mustache. It was real nice and bristly, even though I think some sour cream was caked in there. I feel like you would’ve remembered that mustache. At least I would’ve, if it walked into my bar.”

  “No,” I said. “I have never seen that body before, I’m pretty sure.”

  “Maybe you haven’t seen the body, but what about the man? You know, back when that body was still alive?”

  I turned and stared at Meg. “No. I’ve never seen him before. I have no idea what, why, or how he got here.”

  “Huh,” Meg said. “Because somebody definitely shot him. There was definitely a bullet hole through his forehead. I know, on account of his brains—”

  I leaned over the side of the stairs and puked out all my guts. Or whatever was in my stomach at the moment, which was mostly red wine and a little bit of chicken grease.

  “Thatta girl.” Meg rubbed my back in soothing circles. “Boot and rally, boot and rally.”

  I wiped my mouth and looked up. “This isn’t college. Be more sensitive, we just saw a dead person.”

  “Your digestive system just isn’t used to it. Back when I was a cop I puked and fainted at the same time when I saw my first corpse. Was real nasty.” Meg stopped, probably watching me sway back and forth, on the cusp of relieving my stomach contents once again.

  “Too many details,” I said through gritted teeth, praying I wouldn’t gag.

  “I’m just trying to help,” Meg said. “I’ve been in your situation, chickie. Misery loves a party.”

  “Misery loves company,” I said, focusing on not listening to Meg’s words.

  “Anyway, like I was saying, I puked and passed out all at once. Everyone said they’d never seen anything like it before. Real mess. But after a while, I got used to the scents and sights of a crime scene. You can’t help seeing a dead guy every now and again on the force.”

  “That’s why I’m not a cop,” I said.

  “Yeah, but you’re a mobsterista. That profession comes with a similar risk, sometimes. But don’t fear! There’s good news.”

  “Really?”

  Meg nodded, her eyes glazed as if lost in a daydream. “After some time, solving all those crimes got my stomach so strong I could eat a Mexican burrito and wash it down with some chicken nuggets and a milkshake, all while cruisin’ to a crime scene, and I’d be just fine.”

  My stomach roiled, but I tried not to let it show.

  Meg glanced in my direction to make sure I was watching and listening to her “astounding” story. The fact that I was about to keel over in a dead faint was completely lost on her. Through sheer, brute force, I managed to give her a small smile.

  Once satisfied she had my attention, Meg nonchalantly examined her newly painted nails. “Yeah, it’s a real talent I have. You may get there someday, but it takes practice.”

  “I don’t want to get there,” I muttered, just as red and blue lights flashed against the cabin. “If I never had any more practice, I’d be ecstatic.”

  “You know what those blinking lights mean. The Fuzz are here.” Meg stood up, stretched, and faked a yawn that could’ve put a hippopotamus to shame. “That means it’s about time for me to turn in. If you need help, call my cell and leave a message.”

  “You have to leave now?” I stood up, a little shaky, grasping onto Meg’s arm for dear life. “I mean, you’re not doing anything illegal at the moment, right? Why don’t you stay?”

  “Eh, not really interested,” Meg said. “I’ve gotta finish my toe hair removal.”

  “But as a former cop, maybe you can help them do their jobs.”

  Meg hemmed and hawed, and I could see that I’d piqued her attention. I didn’t really want to be left outside alone with a murder victim and cops, even if they were cops. To me, they were all still strangers, and I longed for a familiar face. Plus, she made one heck of a bodyguard.

  “Maybe I’ll stick around. You know, check out the local Tonka talent.” She tiptoed inside the screen door as they parked their cop cars. “I would just need to get rid of this gun real quickly…”

  She disappeared inside the house as I walked forward to greet the policemen.

  “Evenin’, ma’am,” one of the men said. He shook my hand, his fingers thick as sausages.

  “Hello,” I said. “I’m Lacey – I’m the one that called you guys.”

  “I’m Officer Pearson.” He had a fairly jolly expression and thick, black hair. An equally thick, handlebar mustache twitched upward in a pleasant smile. The man was round around the waist now, but it looked like there’d been some decent muscle in sight at one point. “You called to report a murder?”

  “Yes, I – er, I think so. All I know is that I came outside to grab my pajamas because I forgot them in the car. When I opened the trunk, I found him all crumpled up.”

  “Is he still in there?”

  “Yeah.”

  Officer Pearson scanned over my shoulder. “Could we see him?”

  “Oh, sure. Sorry.” I turned and clicked my beeper so the trunk popped open a little bit. “I shut him in there because I didn’t know what to do, and I really don’t like dead bodies. I don’t have a lot of experience with them.”

  “Eh, your digestive system gets used to it,” Officer Pearson said. “Anyways, let’s step aside. I have a couple questions to ask you while my partners take a look around.”

  Two more cops, these ones blond-haired and medium-sized, poked around a bit before opening the trunk, digging out some crime scene tape and roping the scene off.

  “This is the Luzzi property, am I correct?” Officer Pearson led me to the steps, and we sat down. He opened a little notebook and looked expectantly at me.

  “Yes. I’m his granddaughter. Mr. Carlos Luzzi let me use the place for the weekend as a getaway. It was supposed to be a vacation. A relaxing thing, and then…” I gestured helplessly towards the poor guy renting space in the back of my car for the night. “It’s been one of those days. My luck has been terrible.”

  “I’d venture to say that guy didn’t have a whole ton of luck today, either.” The officer let out a small, dark chuckle, but I didn’t join in. He cleared his throat. “And you just arrived tonight? Who else is here?”

  “We pulled in barely a few hours ago. The only other person here is my friend, Meg.” I gestured towards the house behind me. “She’s a former cop herself.”

  “Where is she?” he asked.

  “She had some, um, business inside. She’ll be out in a minute.”

  “Describe the chain of events leading up to your discovery,” Officer Pearson said with a frown.

  “Well, we ate dinner here. Chicken. Lots of chicken that we picked up from the grocery store. It was just me and Meg the whole night. She was trying on her knockoff couture when I realized I forgot my pajama bag in the car. Well, technically, Meg moved it on me because she thought it was garbage, which is why I forgot it in the first place. Then I ran out here, popped it open, and bam.”

  “Bam,” Officer Pearson chuckled again. “See? You’re already getting used to gallows humor. That’s it then, just you and Meg? Where did you say she is now?”

  “She’s attending to her – uh, lady business, but will be back in a minute. She came running when she heard my scr
eam and waited with me.”

  As the officer jotted down some notes, I realized my biggest mistake to date. Smacking my forehead with the heel of my hand, I shook my head. “Oh, I almost forgot. There’s three more people here, but I don’t really know them. Completely slipped my mind to mention it because they just got here, too.”

  “What do you mean you don’t know them?” Officer Pearson looked rightfully confused.

  “I mean exactly what I said. Three strange men just showed up on the doorstep. Pretty odd, actually.”

  Officer Pearson’s mouth dropped open. “You have three strange men in this house and a dead man out here, and you just thought to mention them now?”

  “Sorry, my brain’s not working all that great,” I said. “And my limbs feel a little bit numb.”

  “You must be in shock.”

  “No, no.” I stood and waved my hands. “I mean yes, I’m in shock, but that came out wrong. They’re not completely strange—”

  “Are they prostitutes?” he asked. “Did you ask them to show up?”

  “No…”

  “Entertainers?” he pressed.

  “No!” I said firmly.

  “Strippers?”

  “No – listen. My grandmother, Carlos’s wife, invited them up here. I’ve never met them, but apparently she loaned her cabin out to both of us at the same time.” I gestured towards the sprawling place. “So they’re strangers to me, but not to my family. Plus, I don’t think it was them who did this whole thing.”

  “Why do you think that?” Now Officer Pearson just looked at me as if I was insane. Then again, maybe I was.

  “Well for starters, they just got here, not too long ago. And secondly, Nora invited the Three Musketeers to the cabin because she was trying to play matchmaker. She really wants a great-grandbaby, and she’s doing her best to set me up with a husband. I don’t see how her meddling in my love life translates into one of them putting a body in my vehicle.”

  Officer Pearson straightened his shoulders. “I’m confused. You’re single, then?”

  “No. I have a boyfriend,” I clarified, rather harshly. “It’s complicated.”