Always I'Ll Remember

by Bradshaw, Rita

  When Winnie came into the room a few moments later she was carrying a tray on which were two cups of steaming tea and a plate of her mother’s gingerbread. ‘Me mam thinks you want feeding up,’ she said, nodding to the gingerbread, before adding ruefully, ‘If you’re not going on fifteen stone you’re fading away as far as me mam’s concerned. Hence my shape.’

  ‘You’re all right.’ Abby smiled at her even though she felt like crying at Mrs Todd’s kindness. But that was because she was all upset about James, she told herself silently, and she couldn’t give way here. Winnie was a good friend but she wouldn’t understand, she didn’t feel that way about Lonnie.

  And then Winnie proved her both right and wrong when she plumped down beside her on the bed and said, ‘He’s mad, your James, to join up before he has to, the way you two feel about each other. Have a flippin’ good bawl if you want to, lass. Let it all out. It’s different for me. I like Lonnie, I like him a lot but, well, we’re not like you two. I don’t fool myself he won’t go with other women if he gets the chance, not Lonnie.’

  ‘Oh, Winnie.’ Abby was shocked. ‘Surely not.’

  Winnie passed her a cup of tea and offered the plate of gingerbread to which Abby shook her head.

  ‘Lass, look at me,’ Winnie said. ‘I’ve always known that the only way I got Lonnie was because I was on for a bit of slap and tickle. He likes his bit of carry-on a couple of times a week and if he couldn’t get it from me he’d find someone else. And, well, he was the first lad for a while to look the side I was on.’

  ‘You’re selling yourself short, Winnie. You always do.’

  ‘No, I just look in the mirror, lass, that’s all.’

  Abby didn’t know what to say. Winnie had a thing about her size and had tried to cut down on her food time and time again, but she could never keep it up. ‘Winnie, you’re so pretty. You are.’

  ‘It’s all right.’ Winnie grinned at her. ‘It’s not that I don’t like a bit of carry-on meself mind, so I’m not complaining. And Lonnie’s been good to me, kind and all that. It’s just that I know he’ll have a roving eye, and with him likely to go abroad an’ all, I’m not going to fool myself and sit at home twiddling my thumbs thinking he’ll come back to me. I’m realistic, lass. I always have been. We’ve agreed we’ll part as pals and no hard feelings on either side.’

  She popped her third piece of gingerbread into her mouth, chewed and swallowed, then said, ‘With any luck there’ll soon be plenty of blokes in uniform at the Empire on a Saturday night to choose from. I love a uniform. It sets me knicker elastic trembling the minute I set eyes on one.’

  Abby giggled and Winnie, who always loved an audience, set out to play the jester for the rest of the evening.

  But when the two girls were standing waiting for the tram which would take Abby over the bridge to Bishopwearmouth, Winnie’s tomfoolery fell from her like a cloak. Turning to Abby, she said, ‘If me an’ Lonnie’d had what you and James have got, I’d wait for him, you know. It’ll be all right, lass. We can go out sometimes, just the two of us, without looking at any lads. You can sit and bore the pants off me by talking about James and I’ll tell you what I’ve been up to.’

  It was Winnie’s way of saying she would be there for her in the weeks and months ahead, and Abby was touched. ‘Thanks,’ she said softly.

  ‘Mind, regarding the pants, with a bit of luck they might be off more than they’re on anyway,’ Winnie said with one of her cheeky grins which widened as Abby pushed at her with her elbow and glanced nervously at the couple behind them.

  On the tram, its interior lights dimmed as low as possible and its windows half covered with blue paint in accordance with blackout regulations, Abby sank back on the seat. She had laughed more than she would have thought possible in the circumstances this evening; what would she do without Winnie? But it was funny how everyone said it would be all right at times like this. Hadn’t she said the selfsame thing to Clara when she’d tried to comfort her about leaving home? Empty words really, meaningless, because how did any of them know if everything was going to work out?

  Abby gazed out of the window as the tram rattled and shook its way over the bridge. The dark expanse of the river below was full of tugboats, colliers, salvage ships and trawlers, all jostling for mooring space in the black water as they had done every night for decades. It was a normal sight, safe, and she hugged the familiarity to her, needing its reassurance.

  And then she sat up straighter, momentarily angry with herself for the nature of her musing. She had thought her path was all mapped out and that she knew exactly where she was going, but now she had to take a side road. Well, all right, so had thousands, millions of other folk and it wouldn’t help anyone, least of all James, if she looked on the black side in all of this. What would be, would be. When she saw James off he’d carry the memory of a smiling face and the knowledge that she was proud of him, or her name wasn’t Abigail Vickers!

  ‘You’ll write me? I want to know every detail.’

  ‘I’ll write, how could I not? It’ll bring you closer to me for one thing. I shall imagine I’m talking to you, that you’re right in front of me.’ James gripped her hands even tighter, his blue eyes locked on her face. ‘And this is only training camp, sweetheart. Remember that.’

  ‘I know.’ Mindful of the promise she had made herself, Abby smiled at him. Central Station was crowded and busy, people jostling here and there, but they had said their proper goodbyes in private the night before. The memory of this brought an inward glow for a moment and she reached up and touched his face, her voice soft as she said, ‘I’ll wait for you for as long as it takes. You know that, don’t you? Oh, I love you so much.’

  ‘And I you.’ He drew her into his arms and she clung to him, willing herself not to break down. He had said that he expected they would be allowed home on leave for a couple of days once the training was completed, but he didn’t know for sure. Suddenly the possibility they might not hold each other again for a long time was all too real.

  ‘You’ll be careful, won’t you?’

  It was a silly thing to say and he smiled at her. ‘I dare say I will survive the dangers of training camp,’ he said wryly, ‘but it’s you who should be careful with the blackout restrictions making the roads so lethal.’ He stared into the velvet brown of her eyes, his gaze moving for a moment to the little silvery line at the top of her brow. He had felt like doing murder when Abby had first explained how she’d got it and the way her mother had regularly whipped her when she was younger. On the few occasions he had met Mrs Vickers he had felt that there was something missing in her, some basic human emotion, but when Abby had opened up to him a couple of months after they had started going out together, he had realised it was more an acute selfishness he had sensed. He wanted to give Abby a wonderful life. He raised his hand and touched the scar tenderly. He wanted to make up for everything she had ever suffered at her mother’s hands, to tell her every day she was loved more than she would ever know. ‘You’re so beautiful,’ he said softly. ‘Inside and out.’ And then, turning his head, he groaned, saying, ‘Here’s the train, I have to go.’

  He gathered her into his arms and pressed her so close to his hard male body she could scarcely breathe. Their lips clung and clung, neither wanting to break contact. It was a minute or more before he reluctantly released her, his voice thick as he murmured, ‘I love you, my sweet, always remember that till we meet again and I can tell you in person. Tell me you love me.’

  ‘I do, I do so much.’

  They had been moving towards the train and now James opened the carriage door and climbed in, their hands still clasped. Then he had to let go. The train was late and it moved off immediately everyone was on board. Abby stood staring after it for some time, unable to take in the fact that he was gone.

  ‘Always remember that I love you too,’ she whispered as even the plume of steam from the engine disappeared. She stood for some moments more and then slowly made her way out
of the station.

  Chapter Seven

  ‘This is good of you, Audrey, you taking Clara alongside of Jed. I appreciate it.’

  Abby glanced at her mother, unaware she had put her head forward slightly as though she hadn’t heard clearly, but the tone of her mother’s voice was amazing in its warmth.

  Audrey looked a little surprised too but she put out her hand and patted her sister’s arm, saying, ‘Glad to help. Jed wasn’t going nowhere unless I went with him and settled him in, that much was clear, so it’s no skin off my nose to see to Clara too. At least this way we’ll know exactly where they are and who they’re with from the word go, eh?’

  ‘Aye, that’s right.’

  The three women and Ivor, Jed and Clara were in Central Station waiting for the train which would take the two youngsters to Yorkshire. It was a Sunday and the platform was packed with men and women come to see their families off to the safety of the countryside. It was so noisy you couldn’t hear yourself think.

  ‘It won’t do Ivor and the lads any harm to fend for themselves for a few days either. Make ’em appreciate me more when I get back. Isn’t that right, Ivor?’ Audrey dug her husband in the ribs and he smiled weakly.

  ‘If you say so, love.’

  Abby could see her uncle was on edge but then it wasn’t surprising; they’d all been affected by the sight of the train station full of children carefully labelled, each clutching a small bag of belongings and a gas mask. News was already filtering through that the best dressed or most mannerly children were likely to be snapped up by the good homes, leaving bairns who were unattractive, lousy, sickly or too tearful to be slotted in where they could. Ivor had called it the devil’s sweepstake and he’d hit the nail on the head in Abby’s opinion.

  Clara was clinging hold of her hand with all her might, the beautifully dressed doll which had been Abby’s present to her tucked under one arm. Now, as the train wheezed and belched its way into the station, she said tearfully, ‘Abby, I don’t want to go. I want to stay here with you.’

  ‘What did you promise me?’ Abby crouched down, putting her arms round her sister and swallowing against the lump in her own throat. Clara was such a baby still and so timid, mainly, Abby felt, because of their mother’s treatment of the child. Much as she tried to protect Clara, she couldn’t be there all the time, and twice in the last week their mam had leathered her for next to nothing.

  ‘That I’d be good.’

  ‘And Aunty Audrey and Jed will look after you. You won’t be by yourself.’

  ‘But I want to be with you.’

  ‘You can’t, hinny.’ Abby straightened, adjusting Clara’s hat and pulling the collar of her sister’s coat more closely round the scrawny little neck. It was a cold day and rainy; the summer was well and truly over. ‘Now be a good girl for me, all right?’

  Nora gritted her teeth, an impotent rage filling her. Look at her; as if spoiling the brat with that expensive doll wasn’t enough, Abby was now aiming to show her up by taking her place in the proceedings. Quite the little mother, that’s what she wanted them all to think - oh, she knew her daughter all right. Cunning as a cartload of monkeys, she was, when it came to putting herself in a good light. Just like Audrey. The two of them were like peas in a pod in that respect.

  She watched as Abby tucked the gas mask over Clara’s shoulder before handing her the haversack containing her clothes, the bag with her nightclothes tucked in the top of it.

  But what did it matter? She took a deep breath, willing the frustration and anger which had come to the fore when she’d seen Audrey clinging hold of Ivor earlier - for all the world as though they were a courting couple - under control. Audrey would be gone a while. And Ivor would be alone. She didn’t regard the presence of her nephews in the house as an impediment to her plans - didn’t the three of them spend more time in the Black Swan or Ship Isis or the local dance halls than they ever did at home? To her father she gave no thought at all.

  Her eyes focused on Ivor’s grim face. She was well aware he hadn’t looked directly at her in all the time they had been standing on the platform, but she knew him well enough to know he was conscious of every little movement she made, as she was of him. She felt the thrill of desire, desire made all the more strong by the nonfulfilment and resentment which underlined it. How could he prefer her hulk of a sister who had a face like a battered pluck to her? But he didn’t, she knew he didn’t. That was what kept her going. Funny, but when she’d first realised Ivor had impregnated her and she was going to have the thing she’d wanted most on earth, a bairn, she’d imagined that would satisfy her. Instead she’d found her children an intense irritation from day one, all of them. They’d removed the stigma associated with being barren but that was all that could be said for them.

  ‘Bye then, lass.’

  As Audrey brushed her cheek with her lips Nora wanted to scrub the contact away. Instead she made herself smile and say, ‘Bye and thanks again. I shan’t forget it.’ And neither would Audrey if she had her way. She had to get Ivor to make the break and leave while her sister was gone; it was now or never with the war and everything changing. She felt it in her bones.

  So wrapped up was Nora in her thoughts that it didn’t dawn on her she hadn’t said goodbye to her youngest daughter until Clara positioned herself in front of her. Her voice was small as she said dutifully, ‘Ta-ta, Mam.’

  Nora inclined her head. ‘You do what you’re told, mind,’ she said flatly. Then, conscious of watching eyes, she bent and gave Clara a cursory kiss. ‘Get yourself away now and have a nice time.’ She spoke for all the world as though the occasion was nothing more than a Sunday school picnic.

  As the train chugged out of the station, Abby stood watching it with a heavy heart. She hoped she’d done the right thing in encouraging Clara to leave. Her sister had kept her promise and hadn’t caused a fuss like some of the bairns, but the misery in the little face had been plain to see. Abby glanced at her uncle who was standing close to the platform edge, waving frantically to Audrey who was hanging halfway out of the train window. Abby’s gaze moved to her mother. Her face showed little expression but then she was a cold fish, her mam.

  When the guard’s van had disappeared, the quiet in the station seemed overpowering, and little was said among those left on the platform. Ivor stood for a few moments more staring down the track and then he turned, making his way over to where Abby and her mother were waiting. ‘Damn war,’ he muttered. ‘Hitler wants stringing up by his toes.’

  Nora made no comment to this. What she did say was, ‘I’ve got a nice piece of topside and I’ve done some extra taties. Why don’t you and the lads come round and have Sunday dinner with us?’

  ‘I can’t speak for the lads but I don’t feel much like eating the day. Thanks all the same.’

  ‘You’ll have to have something.’

  ‘Aye, well, Audrey’s left some cold brisket and chitterlings. Likely I’ll have some of that later.’

  ‘You’ll need something hot,’ Nora persisted, her hands twisting together over her stomach. ‘I’ll take a plate in to Da if you’re worried about him.’

  Ivor made no answer; his face was set as he stood looking at her. Abby realised that her uncle rarely looked at her mother and then never directly like he was doing now. It made her uncomfortable, uneasy, but she didn’t feel she could break the silence which had fallen on the three of them, although she didn’t know why.

  Nora was staring at Ivor, anger and supplication fighting each other in her face. After what seemed like an age, she said, ‘Tomorrow then. I’ll have something hot ready tomorrow when you come home from the yard.’

  ‘Not for me. I shan’t be around the next few days although I dare say the lads’ll be grateful for a bite.’

  ‘Not . . . not around?’

  ‘I’m going to see me brother in Consett, him that’s been middling the last year. I had word from his wife the doctor’s told her on the quiet he’s not long for the top and o
f all of us, me and Art were the closest as bairns. I’d like to see him again afore he goes.’

  ‘Audrey didn’t say.’

  He shrugged. ‘I didn’t see the need to mention it to her. She’s had enough on her plate the last little while, the way Jed’s played up about being sent away.’

  ‘But do you have to go now? Can’t it wait a couple of days at least? What . . . what if they don’t like where they end up, Audrey and the bairns, an’ come home? What then?’

  Ivor shrugged again. ‘It seems the obvious time to go an’ Audrey won’t bring the bairns back. Mrs Appleby next door is going to look in on your da throughout the day and see to his meal at midday. It’s all arranged so you needn’t fret about him.’

  ‘I see,’ said Nora, her face white but for two vivid patches of colour on her high cheekbones. ‘You’ve made up your mind you’re going then?’

  ‘Aye, I have.’

  The three of them left the station without further conversation, but as they stepped into the drizzling rain in Union Street Abby found herself in the peculiar position of feeling sorry for her mother. Her mam had only been trying to be nice in asking Uncle Ivor and the lads round for a bite; he could have sounded a bit more grateful even if he did have to go and see his brother. And her mam had made an effort to be nice to her Aunty Audrey as well - her uncle must have noticed that. Now her mam had gone all stiff and prickly and she’d likely be in a tear for days, making life unbearable at home. At least Clara was out of it. Abby stared ahead, matching her pace to Nora’s brisk strides. That was one thing less she had to worry about.