Geraint Wyn: Zombie Killer (Year of the Zombie Book 5)

by Gary Slaymaker

  ‘We won’t be much use to you on a rugby pitch if we’ve been shot,’ said Gez.

  ‘Did you watch the game this morning, son? We’re not that fussed about what condition you’re in.’

  The two other Davies brothers grinned at Ken’s comments.

  ‘Well, we’ll love you and leave you then.’

  Fiona’s sobbing turned into a wailing.

  ‘Can I shoot that noisy cow?’ pleaded Even Bigger Kev.

  ‘Nah, leave her. All that noise she’s making will soon bring this lot some rotting company. Come on boys, let’s go.’

  The three large men stepped back slowly towards the tree line, their guns still pointed at the six visitors. Within seconds they’d disappeared into the thick forestry, all of them headed in different directions to make it even harder for their victims to follow.

  Toby held Fiona tightly, trying his best to calm her down. Billy and Gez fumed quietly, while Neil was doing his best not to soil himself. Throughout the whole encounter, Beth had been remarkably calm and quiet but she finally spoke up. ‘Well, I say we give them twenty minutes to get on their merry way, and then we’ll start our way back to town.’

  Neil looked at her in shock. ‘Were you not paying attention during the last ten minutes? We’re stuck out here without a clue how to get back.’

  ‘You might not have a clue how to get back, Staveley, but some of us aren’t as bewildered as you, mate.’

  ‘What do you mean, Beth?’ asked Gez.

  Beth sighed loudly before continuing. ‘Look, we came out of Lampeter along North Road, yes? And as far as I could tell, that road up to the forestry was fairly straight, which means we were still heading north. Now, I know we’ve walked through this forest for the past hour, but we’ve headed in a north-westerly direction, pretty much. So, if you’re all still paying attention, all we need to do is head a south-east and we should find ourselves not too far from the town, eventually.’

  Billy nodded. ‘It’s a sound idea, in principle, but you’d really need a compass to make sure you kept your bearings.’

  ‘You mean like this one?’ replied Beth, cheerily, as she reached into the back pocket of her jeans and pulled out a small, circular object.

  ‘Clever girl,’ smiled Billy. Beth gave him her best “full-on feminist” stare.

  ‘Er… I meant, clever thinking, Bethan.’

  ‘Right then, if you could stop crying, Fiona, and you could stop cacking your pants, Neil, we’ll be heading out of here in the next quarter of an hour.’

  ‘Amaze-balls,’ declared Toby.

  Billy was tempted to punch him but he was saving his anger for the Davies brothers.

  *

  Trusting in Beth, and her compass reading abilities, the crew headed out of the woods in a south-easterly direction. Fiona had calmed down by now, and even Neil seemed almost relaxed. However with Gez taking point, and Uncle Billy bringing up the rear, they still made sure to keep their eyes wide open for any Stenches that might have been shuffling through the trees.

  They’d been travelling for about twenty minutes when Gez raised his hand to bring the troop to a halt. He pointed off to the left. ‘Over there. See it? Stench.’

  The rest of the group followed the line of his finger and they saw the tottering form of a middle-aged woman, who had probably been quite the beauty when still alive. It was clear that she hadn’t noticed them and was wandering aimlessly through the trees.

  ‘Should we take a detour to avoid her?’ whispered Neil.

  Beth shook her head. ‘No point. That’ll just send us off course. We’ll just wait until she moves on, and carry on as planned.’

  Clearly the Stench was in no hurry to leave, and the six of them stood stock still for what seemed like a lifetime until the dead woman finally vanished into the depths of the trees.

  They waited another couple of minutes, just to be safe, and then trotted off again. They began to pick up the pace and, after another half hour, Billy was convinced that the woods were beginning to thin out.

  Gez stopped suddenly again and waved excitedly at his companions. ‘Look, a barbed wire fence. That must mean we’re near farmland.’

  All six started running towards the fence. As soon as they reached the section, they saw that the treeline only extended another ten yards past the barrier and from there they could see an open field through the gaps between the firs.

  Billy grinned at his colleagues. ‘Well, at least we’re out of the forest. It should be plain sailing from here.’

  Billy found the nearest fence post, took off his jacket and draped it over the wire. Gez followed suit, so that there was less chance of someone getting cut by the barbs.

  With a little bit of effort, Fiona was the first to be helped across the fence, while the others managed to negotiate the hurdle with a lot less difficulty.

  As Billy landed on the other side of the fence, he heard a moaning sound from behind him – the middle-aged female Stench was back. She staggered stiffly towards the watching group, arms outstretched. Fiona let out a shriek, which made Neil jump with shock.

  ‘It’s not going to be able to climb over that,’ said Beth knowingly.

  Beth was completely correct. The Stench was so intent on catching up with its prey, it didn’t even notice the barbed wire fence. Within seconds the creature was caught on the vicious points, and the more it thrashed and twisted to free itself from the wire, the more those barbs dug into its decaying flesh.

  The companions turned away from the trapped zombie and started walking towards the treeline.

  Once out in the open, they saw a wide green field stretching out ahead of them and in the bottom right corner of the enclosure, they noticed a sturdy five-bar gate. Neil let out a sigh of relief and began to march quickly towards the entrance. Behind him he heard Fiona giggling.

  ‘Oh look, Tobes, sheep. Aren’t they just darling? Oh, how wonderful. They’re coming over to say hello. Hi there. Here sheepy-sheepy.’

  Billy turned his head in a panic and noticed half a dozen ugly-looking animals heading down from the top of the field towards the crew, rapidly.

  ‘Oh God, the sheep! Run!’

  *

  Neil had turned around the instant he’d heard Billy yelling, and saw the undead beasts sweeping down towards them. After his encounter with the zombie sheep at Hafod Isaf farm, he was in no mood to have a run-in with any more of those monsters. He sprinted towards the gate at the bottom of the field, with Gez and Beth in hot pursuit.

  Billy watched the youngsters head away from danger, and turned to see if he could now help Toby and Fiona. She was still cooing sweetly at the sheep.

  Toby was looking less and less comfortable as the creatures drew ever nearer. ‘Er… Fi-Fi; I don’t think you should be encouraging them. The closer they get, the less cute they look.’

  Fiona smiled sweetly at her partner. ‘Oh don’t be so melodramatic Tobes. They’re completely harml—’

  Fiona never managed to finish the sentence. The first sheep launched itself at her, knocking her to the ground with the sheer force of its leap. The five other sheep quickly joined in.

  ‘Noooooo!’ screamed Toby as he leapt forward to try to pull his sweetheart to safety.

  Billy was rooted to the spot as he watched the grisly tableaux unfold in front of him. His every instinct told him to run up the hill and help out, but he knew that it was already too late to save the couple. So he turned on his heel, while the sheep were tucking in to their supper, and ran for his life. As he thundered towards the gate, all he could hear was the raucous bleating of the sheep mixed with the dying screams of Toby and Fiona.

  He saw the three teenagers slow down and look back as they reached the gate. Each of their faces was a mask of horror. Gez managed to yell, ‘don’t look back, Uncle Billy. Just keep running, for God’s sake!’

  Billy couldn’t help but glance over his shoulder as he ran, and saw that two of the sheep had left the feeding frenzy and were now galloping down t
he slope as fast as they could. They were gaining on him by the second.

  The three teenagers were now on the other side of the fence, and screaming at him to run ever faster. With the gate just a few feet away, Billy sailed through the air, landing heavily on the top railing, and tried to throw his body over the barrier. As he swung his legs up, he felt something tug on his jeans and looked back to see one of the sheep had managed to grab hold of his trouser leg. He felt himself being pulled backwards and all he could do was hold on tight to the railings.

  Gez, Neil, and Beth flew into action. Each one grabbed hold of Billy’s top half and pulled with all their might. Anyone walking past at that point would have seen the most desperate tug of war contest in the history of the sport.

  ‘On the count of three,’ yelled Gez, as he tried to organise his friends. ‘One… two… three… pull!’

  With a mighty heave, the three youngsters managed to drag Billy over the gate. There was the sound of ripping, as the sheep pulled in the opposite direction, taking a long strip of his jeans away in its mouth.

  The youngsters half carried, half dragged the older man away from the gate, and didn’t let him go until they were a safe distance from the frenzied creatures.

  Gez turned to Billy, ‘Serves you right for wearing flares, old man.’

  Billy gave his nephew a crooked grin, before slowly raising the middle finger of his hand in reply.

  CHAPTER 13

  The four travellers crossed the field, keeping a wary eye out for any more wool-covered attackers, and made their way across the next pasture. Five minutes later, Neil was the first to spot that the main road ran along one of the fields they were crossing. They found a hole in the fence and crawled through. Neil even kissed the tarmac in thanks once they were safely out of the paddock. They began walking back towards the town and, within another ten minutes, saw the black-on-white sign which read, Croeso I Lanbedr Pont Steffan : Welcome To Lampeter.

  It was early evening by the time the four weary Cardiffians arrived at the front of the local police station. After some hefty pounding on the door by Billy, an annoyed constable finally came to investigate. ‘Keep the bloody noise down, will you. I’m trying to eat my supper here.’

  Billy stared at the policeman. ‘And I’ve got a tale to tell you that’ll put you off your food for good.’

  Over the next hour, Billy and the youngsters told their story to the constable. During this time, he rang his sergeant. The four tourists went through their tale again for the senior officer’s benefit. This time, Billy was even more graphic in his description of the fate that had befallen Toby and Fiona.

  Half an hour after that, a warrant was placed for the arrest of the Davies brothers, and with calls made to all the local forces, it was less than twenty minutes later when the handcuffed siblings were sat fuming in a police cell, glowering at Gez and his friends through the bars.

  Neil couldn’t resist having some fun at Big Ken’s expense. ‘All I need you to say now is – and if it hadn’t been for you pesky, meddling kids, I’d have got away with it.’

  The torrent of abuse and foul language that came from Ken’s mouth was nothing less than impressive. The constable, who had heard all the profanity, popped his head around the door of the cellblock. ‘What’s wrong with him, now?’

  Neil smiled. ‘Apparently he’s not a Scooby Doo fan.’

  The constable gave Neil a strange look and disappeared from view again.

  Neil wandered back into the main office. Gez and Beth were sat quietly in a corner, drinking tea, and helping themselves to the plateful of sandwiches on the table in front of them. Billy was deep in conversation with the sergeant.

  ‘I’m sorry have to tell you, Mr Morgan, we found your companions. Or should I say, we found what was left of your companions.’

  Billy nodded his head once. ‘Well, I can’t say that we were best friends, but they didn’t deserve that, the poor sods. Listen, can I have a quiet word with you for a minute, Sarge?’

  Billy and the officer headed into the back of the building, while Neil joined his friends for something to eat and drink.

  ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I think the countryside’s a little overrated for my taste.’

  Gez nodded in agreement, while Beth just shook her head in irritation.

  ‘I can’t take you two anywhere.’

  ‘Oh you can’, added Gez. ‘It’s just that you can’t take us back there again.’

  *

  Billy Morgan walked into the cellblock and went straight up to the last cell, where Big Ken Davies was sat brooding on his bunk.

  ‘What the hell do you want?’

  Billy smiled benignly then reached into his back pocket and produced a set of keys. He made a grand performance of sifting through the bunch before picking out one in particular. He placed the key in the lock of the cell and turned it. There was a loud click as the door was unlocked. Big Ken looked at him hopefully.

  Billy stood in the doorway, leaning against the steel frame. ‘Come here a minute.’

  Ken rose warily from the bunk and stepped towards the smaller man. As Ken stepped forward, so did Billy and he head-butted the big local with no small amount of force.

  Ken’s nose virtually exploded in a fountain of blood, and the impact made him stagger backwards and flop back down on his bed.

  ‘What the fuck…’

  Billy interrupted the bleeding Davies brother.

  ‘Don’t worry, boss. It’s not business, it’s personal.’

  He stepped back out of the cell and turned the key in the lock. As Billy strode out of the cellblock, he tossed the keys casually to the sergeant.

  ‘Thanks for that, Sarge. I owe you one.’

  *

  The Land Rover cruised through Lampeter, heading for the road that would eventually take them back to Cardiff. All four passengers had been quiet since they’d picked up the vehicle from the car park of the Castle Hotel. As they drove back over the Teifi bridge, Billy glanced over at his nephew. ‘The next time I suggest heading out to the arse end of nowhere on a zombie safari, you have my permission to punch some sense into me.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I will.’

  ‘And I’ll help,’ added Beth.

  ‘I think I’ll just watch, if you don’t mind,’ Neil said

  Billy looked at him in the rear-view mirror and smiled. He shifted gear, and the Land Rover roared out of Lampeter, past the beautiful green fields that surrounded the town.

  None of them took any notice of the flock of sheep grazing quietly in one of the pastures. And they certainly didn’t notice the grinning zombie that was creeping up behind those sheep with a definite purpose… the dirty bugger.

  ***

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Gary Slaymaker has been a television & radio presenter since 1988, and has worked for BBC One Wales, BBC Radio Wales,BBC Radio Cymru, BBC Radio 5 Live, S4C, and Channel 5 amongst others. He has also performed as a stand-up comedian since 1992, working in both Welsh and English.

  Gary is also Wales’ foremost film reviewer – he is BBC Radio Wales’ resident film critic on Thursday afternoons. He’s been doing this for so long he’s gone from being known as “the Welsh Barry Norman”, to “the Welsh Jonathan Ross”. And he’s looking forward to punching the first person who calls him “the Welsh Claudia Winkleman”.

  Gary presented his own show (cleverly called ‘Slaymaker’) for over 6 years and 12 series on S4C, Wales’ fourth channel where he would channel his inner geek on the subjects of film, video games, music and interviewing celebrities such as Rhys Ifans, Vinnie Jones, and rugby deity, Gareth Edwards. More recently he was presentled and head scriptwriter on the satirical radio news quiz ‘Bwletîn’ on Radio Cymru for 5 years.

  As well as specialising in film and comedy, he has also been involved in sports productions involving football, rugby union, rugby league, and boxing.

  A published author, Gary is also an in-demand after dinner speaker, who can tailor his stories o
f meetings with the rich and famous, to cater to any type of audience.

  Gary is long time Cardiff City supporter, and an authority on American comic books and Welsh swear words. He enjoys a good pub quiz, although he admits he’s far too competitive. He also won S4C/BBC’s ‘celebrity’ Mastermind in 2006.

  He has been lucky enough to meet his two greatest heroes in the world of sport and cinema – Pele and Clint Eastwood. Less impressive is when he said “Alright, luv?” to Charlize Theron at the 2000 Oscars, after failing to recognise the stunning actress. (She did forgive him, though)

  Gary cites his main inspirations as Billy Conolly, Dave Allen, Phil Silvers (Sgt. Bilko), Jameson’s Irish Whisky, and his mam.

  ABOUT THE YEAR OF THE ZOMBIE

  My first novel, STRAIGHT TO YOU, was released in 1996 and promptly disappeared from view. 500 copies were printed, and I still have a couple of boxes from the original print run in my garage! The experience taught me several valuable lessons about writing, most notably that both the hardest and most important task for a new author is to find people to read their work. In those dim and distant pre-Internet, pre-ebook days, that was no easy task.

  When it came to releasing my second novel, AUTUMN, in 2001, I was already making my first tentative steps online. It struck me that the easiest way to get people to read my book was to give it to them for free, so that was what I did. And with no real plan or design, my first zombie novel generated around half a million downloads, a series of sequels, a radio adaptation and even a (not so great) movie starring Dexter Fletcher and David Carradine.