Daughter of Chaos (Red Magic)

by Jen McConnel

  Still unsure, I crossed the room and took a seat beside Mom. The smells of coffee and cigarettes wafted up to greet me; that couch had had quite a life before I was born, and the lingering scents of its past were often present. The old smells should have been comforting, but I was too confused to really notice.

  Hesitantly, Mom took my hand in hers and clutched it. She and Dad were both holding their breath, and they exhaled loudly after Mom held my hand for a few seconds. She didn’t let go, but tightened her grip.

  Dad cleared his throat and I looked up into his face.

  “We have been informed that you will be continuing your education here at home.” I didn’t bother to nod, and Dad didn’t wait for my response. “Your mother and I will help you in any way that we can, but the training you will receive is different from anything we’ve ever experienced. Darlena—” He paused, looking at my mother first and then at me. “Darlena, this is still your home. That may change in the future, but for now, this is still a safe place for you.”

  At those bizarre words, Mom started to sob loudly. Her grip on my hand was crushing, but I was squeezing back just as hard. Dad looked away uncomfortably, and an eerie silence descended.

  “We love you, Darlena. Remember that, whatever else happens.” Mom’s usually strong voice was reduced to a breathy whisper, and the sound of it brought tears to my eyes. I stood up quickly, trying to mask my hurt from my parents.

  “Why is everyone freaking out?”

  They looked at me, confused. Finally, Dad spoke. “You mean it’s not true?”

  “What, the fact that Hecate showed up last night? Yeah, that’s true.”

  Mom shuddered, and Dad turned pale.

  “I don’t know why you are being so calm about this.”

  I glared at him in shock. “Calm? I’m not being calm! First that goddess, then I get kicked out of school, and now you guys are treating me like a leper. Trust me, I’m anything but calm.”

  Mom reached for my hand, but dropped her arm before she touched me. “Darlena, honey, sit down. We have a lot to talk about.”

  I shook my head. “Not right now. I don’t want to deal with any of this tonight.”

  “You’ll have to face your choice sooner or later.” My dad clenched his jaw as he spoke, and the muscle above his eye twitched. It hurt to look at.

  “Not tonight. I’m going to bed.” I knew I sounded like a sulky brat, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t ready to deal with any of this, and in the back of my mind, I still wanted it all to be an awful dream.

  Mom and Dad let me go without complaint, even when I slammed my bedroom door so hard it shook. I stood, helplessly flexing my fingers, staring around my room in confusion.

  What exactly had I done when I pledged myself to the Red path? I sank to my floor and, for the first time all day, I didn’t try to stop the frightened tears that poured down my face.

  My phone buzzed as soon as I started to cry. I was tempted to ignore the call, but then I saw Justin’s number on the screen.

  My heart soared into my throat, and my hands were shaking when I answered the phone. I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want him to hear me cry, but he started talking before I needed to worry about it. I struggled to get a grip on myself.

  “What happened to you today?” Justin’s voice was concerned, and I smiled despite the tears drying on my face.

  “I got expelled.”

  “I know that! It was all over school. Gods, Lena, what did you do?”

  My happiness at hearing his voice was quickly turning to irritation at his tone. “What do you mean, what did I do?”

  He pressed on. “Rochelle left school with you. Is she kicked out, too? Were you dabbling with something dangerous?”

  “Why would you assume that Rochelle had anything to do with what happened?”

  Justin paused. “She’s not as … focused as you are. And she’s dangerous.”

  I laughed humorlessly, fighting back tears. “Not as dangerous as I am now. She had nothing to do with me getting kicked out. She just cut class to try to make me feel better. Unlike some people,” I spoke quickly, not giving him the opportunity to interrupt, “who seem to think now is the perfect time to make me feel like shit.”

  I hung up the phone and threw it across my room. It didn’t ring again, and I didn’t care.

  ***

  It sounds cliché, but when I woke up, I felt better about everything. I hadn’t had any nightmares, and as the sunlight streamed into my room, I felt a new sense of purpose. I needed to figure out what Red magic was, and fast, if I wanted to know what I’d become.

  When I emerged from my bedroom, the only member of my family who was there to greet me was Xerxes. He rubbed his whiskers against my legs as I stood in the kitchen, searching the cupboards for food. Desperate, I grabbed a banana and some toast and headed back to my room with the cat trailing after me.

  I shut my bedroom door and cast a quick circle to seal my room from intrusion. Mom and Dad were at work, but I wasn’t taking any chances. I added a protective ward for good measure. Xerxes looked at me, bored, and rolled around in a sunbeam on the floor.

  “Why don’t you help me for once, cat?” I was annoyed that he insisted on hanging out with me, but it was hard to stay mad at Xerxes for long. He’d been in the household before I was born, and even though he was close to nineteen years old, he acted like he had as much energy as a kitten. I loved Xerxes, and I had considered him my cat, not my parents’, since I was in first grade.

  Ignoring the blissful purrs coming from the side of the room, I grabbed my Encyclopedia of Witchcraft off the shelf above my desk. If there was any common knowledge about Red magic, I would be able to find it there.

  ***

  Xerxes pressed his head against my side and mewed pitifully. Dazed, I looked up from the book and glanced out my window. It was dusk outside. I had been in my room reading for most of the day. Stretching my arms, I cracked my knuckles and dropped my head in a slow circle, focusing on my breathing. I glanced back at the open page in my lap. This book was full of knowledge, but it didn’t mention Red magic anywhere. Rubbing my temples, I leaned back and closed my eyes.

  I needed to think about this logically. First, I thought, running through what I’d just read and what I’d already known, I should start with the other magics. White is pure goodness, and White Witches are usually a bit above the nitty gritty details of the real world. Those on the White path are more concerned with grace and old wisdom than with daily living, they are sworn enemies of Black magic, and, I ticked off on my fingers, White magic governs all intellectual and spiritual endeavors. I smiled grudgingly. Justin had certainly chosen his path well! He was always lost in thought, and even his behavior on prom night indicated that he was above the actions of the real world.

  I moved on to the Black path. Black Witches value power, influence, and vice, I recited to myself, and they also work with spirit. They are the opposite of Whites, focusing on the darker aspects of spirituality. They aren’t evil, but they’re usually misunderstood. My parents have a deep prejudice against Black Witches, and they hated that Rochelle and I were friends.

  Green Witches, like my parents, govern the realm of earth and are much more grounded in day-to-day reality than Whites and Blacks. Greens have the easiest time living among Nons, and Greens are also very globally minded. My parents are two perfect examples of Green Witches using their power for the good of all. They don’t worry as much about spirit as Whites or Blacks; they are more concerned with the here and now.

  Somehow the three paths balance each other, but, I wondered, where did Red fit in?

  Unfolding myself from the floor, I crossed the room to my dresser and pulled out a slim red candle and a matchbook. Mom relied on her herbs, and Rochelle had her old deck of Tarot cards, but I had always preferred to use candles for divination. I guess fire suits me.

  Sinking down onto the floor, I crossed my legs into full lotus and closed my eyes. After whispering a quic
k prayer for clarity of sight, I lit the candle and placed it on the floor in front of me. I stared at the flame, shutting my mind down to all other sensations. As my vision focused and my breathing slowed, I began to feel words in my mind. I let them come, knowing I could analyze what I learned later. I breathed in and out and watched the red candle until it was nothing but a puddle of wax on my bedroom floor. Just as I started to shake myself out of my trance, my cell phone buzzed beside me, and I grabbed it, hoping that Justin was calling to apologize.

  My heart fell when I saw the message. It was a text from Rochelle, wanting me to meet her for a movie. I was tempted to say no, remembering our conversation yesterday, but I needed to think about something other than magic. I was getting burnt out. There would be time later to think about what I’d seen in the candle flame. Just in case I forgot, I jotted down some notes to look over when I got home.

  I texted her to say I’d meet her at the end of my street in fifteen minutes. Straightening my stiff legs, I got off the floor and started getting ready. I probably could have told my parents, but I was still mad at Dad over his reaction the night before. Besides, they hadn’t come up to my room to bother me when they got home from work, so maybe they didn’t want to deal with me right then, either.

  Instead of going downstairs, I opened my window and climbed down the massive ash tree right outside my window. I had done it many times. There was something thrilling about sneaking out, even though my parents were usually easygoing. I never had to sneak out, but I liked the rush.

  I reached the last branch and dropped silently to the ground. My heart was pounding, and I felt dizzy with adrenaline. For the first time since I’d met Hecate, I felt like myself again. I ran to the corner of the street, fighting back the urge to laugh, and hopped into Rochelle’s waiting car.

  ***

  The movie was some stupid zombie flick, but that didn’t surprise me. Rochelle always picked the worst movies! Still, it was good to hang out with her like nothing had changed. I was on edge, but she didn’t bring up Red magic or Hecate, and I was grateful. After the movie, Rochelle wanted to stop at an all-night diner, but I just wanted to go home and sleep; I kept clinging to the idea that everything with Hecate might still be an awful dream. Rochelle seemed annoyed, but she took me home anyway.

  The house was dark when she dropped me off, and although I was relieved, I felt a twinge of loneliness. I hadn’t seen either of my parents since the blowup last night. Were they avoiding me because they were afraid of what I had become? Or did they think I was angry and they were trying to give me my space? Either way, it was weird not to have spoken to them at all in over twenty-four hours. I used the front door, noisily letting myself in with my key. I sort of hoped I’d wake them up and they would come ask where I had been, but the house remained silent. As I climbed the stairs to my room, I promised myself that I would at least come downstairs for dinner the next night.

  Even though it was past midnight, I wasn’t all that sleepy. I looked at the notes I had scribbled after my meditation one more time, searching for something comforting. Goddesses were listed on the left side of the page, and words on the right. I scanned the list of goddesses, and my stomach sank as I recognized the names: Aphrodite, Pele, Kali, and Freya. On the other side of the page, I skimmed the words I recalled from my meditation: fire, lust, destruction, chaos, blood. My mouth felt dry as I stared at the list.

  Each branch of magic taught at Trinity had a patron or patroness among the Pagan gods. Most of the instructors said it was old-fashioned to work with a patron, and that modern Witches could do magic with the aid of all the gods without swearing allegiance to any one god in particular, but Trinity still focused on the connection between the gods and the different kinds of magic. We had mostly studied the Greek gods, with Demeter and Dionysus in charge of Green magic, for example. I knew that other deities were associated with the three colors in some way, and I also knew that none of the goddesses on my list were linked with the three colors I was familiar with.

  Aphrodite was the goddess of love in the Greek tradition, and she was famed for her short-tempered acts of vengeance when she was displeased. I swallowed, my eyes skimming the list again Despite Trinity’s focus on the Greek gods, we had covered other mythologies briefly, and I wracked my brain, trying to remember what I knew about the other names on my list.. Pele was a Polynesian goddess, but I didn’t remember much about her. Kali terrified me; the Hindu goddess symbolized blood lust and chaos. I didn’t know anything about the last name on my list, but Freya sounded like something Celtic. I would have to do more research on the four goddesses, and maybe then I’d understand a bit more about Red magic.

  A soft knock at my bedroom door jolted me out of my reverie. I shoved my notebook under my bed before standing up to call, “Come in.”

  My dad entered the room, carrying a stack of newspapers. I tensed and crossed my arms over my chest, waiting for him to berate me for coming in so late. Instead, he wore a strange expression that I couldn’t decipher.

  “These were delivered. For your first lesson.” He extended the stack of papers to me as if they might burn him, and he wiped his hands on his jeans once the newspapers were handed off. Dad looked like he wanted to say more, but instead he walked back into the hall, shutting the door quietly behind him.

  I looked down at the stack of newspapers in my arms. There was a yellow sticky note on top of the pile: “read these—look for chaos—lesson one.” The handwriting was spidery, and with a chill I felt certain that Hecate had been the one who delivered my homework. No wonder Dad had looked disturbed! Gingerly, I moved the stack of newspapers to one side. I didn’t want to deal with them tonight: between the meditation and the note from Hecate, I was starting to get a picture of Red magic, and it wasn’t one I liked. Exhausted, I fell into a deep sleep.

  Dinner the next night was a strained affair. I guess I could have stayed in my room. I always kept a stash of granola bars and dried fruit that I saved for whenever I can’t bear to be around my parents (plus, eating after doing magic is one of the quickest ways to bring you back to reality), but I felt like I owed it to them to at least pretend to be their normal daughter for a bit longer. Besides, I hadn’t really seen them since the day after Hecate’s visit, and sooner or later, Mom was bound to come looking for me.

  Mom’s a vegetarian and she does the cooking, so I’ve grown up on tofu and lots of spices. Vegetarian food is great, but for some reason, I was craving a juicy, red steak. I’d never had a steak before, juicy or otherwise, so I thought this was pretty weird and didn’t say anything. I just tucked into the chana masala Mom served, keeping my mouth as full as I could to avoid talking.

  I was sopping up the last of the spicy orange sauce with a piece of freshly baked flatbread when Dad cleared his throat. He set down his glass of wine and looked at me. Mom paused, her fingers twitching with anticipation, and I looked at them both, too nervous to swallow the food that sat on my tongue.

  Instead of the lecture I was expecting, Dad reached his arms across the table, clasping my hand and Mom’s in his. Now was not when I would have expected Dad to start saying grace at the table. Besides, we were done with the meal. I looked at him curiously. Mom squeezed my other hand in hers, but didn’t speak.

  “Darlena,” Dad began, “I know I may have sounded harsh yesterday. This—” He cleared his throat. “Your path has come as quite a shock to both your mother and me. However,”—he looked at Mom for a minute, and she nodded back at him gently—“we are your family. It is up to us to raise you, to shelter you, and to aid you, even in the face of something like this.” He was staring at me intently, and I forced a small smile. I still didn’t understand what Red magic entailed, but his words were the first real comfort I’d had since Hecate had appeared in the living room.

  Mom began to speak. “There will be many things you can’t tell us, and many things we might not want to know. But you need to know that we will support you, and if our actions can ease this burde
n you now bear, we will do what we can. We love you, Darlena.” I looked at my beautiful mother, realizing that she suddenly looked years older than she should have. I suppressed the feeling of guilt that surged into my mind.

  They both looked at me expectantly, and finally I asked the question that I had been struggling with. “Just what exactly have I chosen?”

  They looked startled, so I hurried to explain. “I know I said I would practice Red magic.” At the word ‘Red’, my mother blanched and my father looked angry, but I pushed on firmly, “But I didn’t know what I was saying. I thought it didn’t exist, but everyone seems to believe otherwise.”

  Dad raised his eyebrow. “You swore to follow a path as a joke?”

  I shook my head. “That’s not what I meant.”

  “You just said you didn’t think it really existed. That sounds like some kind of ridiculous joke to me.” He crossed his arms and gave me the look. My dad had always been the disciplinarian, and his look could usually make me apologize for whatever he thought I’d done, but I resisted the urge.

  “She was pressuring me! I didn’t know what I wanted; I still don’t.” I looked down, fiddling with the tablecloth. “I guess I thought that if I pledged to an imaginary path, everyone would back off for a while.”

  Mom looked stunned. “What do you mean, everyone?”

  I didn’t look up. “Ever since my birthday, it seems like everyone has been on my case about my stupid path.”

  “It’s important, Lena. Your path is your future.” Mom touched my cheek, and I looked up into her concerned eyes.