The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

by Rudy A. Swale

  Bob goes into the public bathroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor guy is going to take a leak.

  Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, “Errr, OK, I’ll help you.”

  The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?”

  Bob says, “OK.”

  Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?”

  Bob replies, “Uh, yeah, OK.”

  Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold, red rashes and scabs all over it, and it smells dreadful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, which Bob does. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

  The guy tells Bob, “Thanks, I really appreciate it.”

  Bob says, “No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with your prick?”

  The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, “I don’t know, but I’m not touching it.”

  A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,

  “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

  The man said, “Please, Lord, build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I wish.”

  The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”

  The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

  The Lord said, “Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?”

  A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island.

  After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle—a perfect night for romance.

  As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

  A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze—perfect for a night of romance.

  Pretty soon the man started to get “those feelings” again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

  An old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

  “Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

  “I know,” the old man said, “but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago.”

  “Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say, should we strip?”

  So the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

  “You know, honey,” the little old lady said, “my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

  “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.”

  There once was a fellow named Dave

  Who dug up a whore from her grave

  She was moldy as shit

  And missing a tit

  But think of the money he saved!

  Tony had been feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: “Tony, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first surgeon to sleep with one of your patients and you won’t be the last. And, you’re single. So just let it go.”

  But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: “Tony, you’re a veterinary surgeon...”

  A cowboy is walking in the woods one day when he comes to a clearing. There on a blanket is a naked Indian with a hard on.

  “What are you doing?” the cowboy asks.

  The Indian answers, “Me tell time.”

  “OK. If you are so good, what time is it?”

  The Indian looks down at his prick and the shadow it’s casting and says, “It’s 2 o’clock.”

  The cowboy looks at his watch and says, “By golly, you are right!”

  The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian lying on a blanket. “Don’t tell me... You’re telling time too?”

  The Indian looks up at him and says, “Yes, me telling time.”

  “Okay, smart ass, what time is it?”

  The Indian looks up at the sun, then down and says, “It’s 4 o’clock.”

  The cowboy is amazed at the Indian. He keeps walking and hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating. “Don’t tell me you’re telling time!”

  The Indian looks up at him and says, “No, me winding watch!”

  Q. What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?

  A. One goes “ribbit” the other goes “rub it.”

  Two men were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

  One of the men got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his hands and said, “Can you swallow?”

  She shook her head. “No.”

  “Can you breathe?”

  Again she shakes her head. “No.”

  The man grabs her around the waist with one of his hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her ass! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge. The man pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, and returns to his seat.

  His companion is sitting there stunned. “I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!” he says to his friend.

  “Well, I’ll tell you, that hind lick maneuver works every time!”

  Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman: You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and…slip in to the old bag.

  A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

  He got in and explained his situation to the cab driver. He promised to send the driver money from home; he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver’s license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.

  The cab driver said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”

  So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

  One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financ
ial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

  The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line,

  “How much for a ride to the airport?” he asked.

  “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.

  “And how much for you to give me head on the way?”

  “What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”

  The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same results.

  When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, “How much for a ride to the airport?”

  The cab driver replied, “Fifteen bucks.”

  The businessman said, “OK,” and off they went.

  Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other cab drivers.

  A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand, “Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!” she wailed.

  “Why do you want a glass of cider?” asked her mom.

  “I cut my hand on a thorn and I want the pain to go away!”

  Confused but weary of the child’s whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

  “Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn’t work!” she whined.

  “What are you talking about?” asked mom. “What ever made you think that cider would ease the pain?”

  “Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider.”

  Two young boys, both from well-to-do families, were talking.

  1st Boy: “Our new French maid is a robot.”

  2nd Boy: “A Robot? Maids aren’t robots.”

  1st Boy: “But ours is... I overheard my dad telling one of his golf buddies that he screws her ass off every Saturday!!”

  A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

  Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

  One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to the kitchen for breakfast. Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told him he was not going to get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fed the animals.

  Irritated at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn. As he fed the chickens, he kicked each one in the head. As the cow bent down to start in on the fresh hay he had just put in the stall, he kicked it in the head. He poured food into the trough for the pigs, and as they started eating, he kicked them in the head. He went back to the kitchen and sat down again.

  His mother was furious. “I saw what you did and as you kicked the chickens you’ll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kicked the cow, you’ll get no milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kicked the pigs.”

  Just then, the father came down the stairs and nearly tripped on the family cat. On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs. The boy looked at his mother and asked, “Are you going to tell him or should I?”

  A salesman is going door to door. At one house, a snotty little brat answers the door.

  “Tell you what,” he says to the salesman, “I can persuade my parents to buy pretty much anything. If you can do everything I can do, I’ll talk them into buying something. If you lose, then you give $10.”

  Figuring that there’s no way a nine-year-old brat could outsmart him, the salesman agrees to the deal. Immediately, the kid climbs up the drainpipe and hops onto the flat roof. The salesman does exactly the same.

  The kid then runs across the roof, does a triple cartwheel and lands in the back garden, with the salesman following suit.

  Then the kid runs to where his teenage sister is sunbathing topless. He rushes over to her and kisses her on the left breast. Not to be outdone, the salesman leaps over and does the same.

  The kid then gropes both his sister’s tits. So does the salesman. Then the kid pulls down her bikini bottoms and licks her pussy, the salesman does likewise.

  Then the brat pulls out his dick, wraps it round his little finger and says, “Where’s my $10?”

  A 75-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

  The next day, the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

  The doctor asked what had happened and the man explained: “Well, Doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still got nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing happened, then she tried with her left, but still nothing happened. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing happened. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but there was nothing doing.”

  The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”

  The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the stupid jar open!”

  A woman tells her friend that Interflora just delivered a bunch of flowers from her husband. “Now I guess he’ll want me to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”

  “Why?” asks her friend. “Don’t you have a vase?”

  Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

  Lose weight. Only $5.00 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238.

  The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”

  The man responded, “Ten pounds.”

  The voice replied, “Very well, give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

  At about 9:00 a.m. the next morning the man got a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.”

  Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, “Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself.”

  He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

  That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”

  The somewhat-less-overweight man replied, “Twenty pounds.”

  “Very well,” the voice on the phone told him. “Give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

  At about 8:00 a.m. the next morning, the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.” The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, “Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself.” He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

  This is fantastic! he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, “How m
uch weight do you want to lose?”

  “Fifty pounds!” the man exclaimed.

  “Fifty pounds?” the voice asked. “That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.”

  The man replied, “Listen, here’s my credit card number. You just have your representative over here in the morning!” and he hung up the phone.

  About 6:00 a.m. the next morning the man got out of bed, splashed on some cologne and got ready for the next representative.

  At about 7:00 a.m. he heard a knock on the door. When he opened the door, he saw this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating: “If I can catch you, I can have you!”

  Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?

  A. Nothing.

  An old man was on the beach and he walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini.

  “I want to feel your breasts,” he said.

  “Get away from me, you dirty old man,” she replied.

  “I want to feel your breasts. I will give you $5,” he said.

  “$5!! Get away from me!”

  “I want to feel your breasts. I will give you $10,” he said.

  “NO! Get away from me!”

  “$50,” he said.

  She paused to think about it, but then came to her senses and said, “I said NO!”

  “$100 if you let me feel your breasts,” he said.

  She thought, well he is old and $100 would be very handy. “Well, OK, but only for a minute,” she said.

  She loosened her bikini top and while they’re both standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel...and then he started saying, “OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD,” while he was caressing them.

  So, out of curiosity, she asked him, “Why do you keep saying ‘Oh my god?’”

  While continuing to fondle her tits he answered, “OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get $100?”