In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”
On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He was so horny and excited to try out his new “system” that he didn’t think twice and leapt on board.
After a few minutes of “slap and tickle” they found themselves in the “69” position. Sure enough, only moments later the man felt the sudden urge to come. Following the doctor’s orders, he grabbed the starter pistol off the bedside table and fired it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”
The man answered, “Just great! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face and bit three inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!”
Little Johnny was supposed to have a “current event” every day for school.
He never did his homework and one day his teacher said, “Johnny, if you don’t have a current event for class tomorrow you will fail and have to take this class again next year.”
He went home, went to bed, and forgot all about it. The next morning on his way to school he remembered and thought to himself, Damn, I forgot to prepare my current event.
Then he saw a cat with two dogs chasing it run across the railway line. The cat made it across but a train hit the dogs.
When he got to school he yelled, “Teacher, teacher, I have my current event!”
She said, “OK what is it, Johnny?”
He told her, “This morning on my way to school I saw a cat run across the railway line and the two dogs that were chasing it got hit in the ass by a train.”
She said, “Johnny! Don’t use language like that. Say ‘rectum.’”
He laughed and said, “Wrecked ’em, hell, it killed ’em both.”
One Friday, a 5th grade teacher says, “Class, every Friday I am going to ask a question. Whoever gets the question right gets to skip school on Monday.” So the class is very excited and can’t wait until next Friday.
Friday comes around and the teacher says, “Okay, time for the question of the week. How many stars are in the sky?” Of course no one can answer it. Next week she asks, “How many grains of sand are there on the beach?” Still no one can answer.
One student, however, is fed up with this. When he gets home, he paints two ping-pong balls black. He puts them in a bag and goes to school. When Friday comes around he takes them to class. The teacher says, “Okay, class, time for the question of the week.” The boy quickly drops the balls on the floor and they roll up to her feet.
The teacher says rudely, “Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”
Then the kid says quickly, “Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday.”
A man goes to the doctor and the visit goes like this.
MAN: Doc, I think I’m gay.
DOCTOR: What makes you think you’re gay?
MAN: Well, my dad just announced to our family that HE’S gay.
DOCTOR: Just because your father is gay doesn’t mean that you are. It’s not hereditary.
MAN: But Doc, I have two uncles and they are BOTH gay.
DOCTOR: Well, that’s just a coincidence. It’s NOT hereditary.
MAN: But I have three brothers, and they are ALL gay.
DOCTOR: Dammit, son! Doesn’t anyone in your family like pussy?!
MAN: Well, sure. My sister does!!
Ethel loved to speed around the nursing home in her wheelchair, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mickey stepped out with his arm outstretched.
“STOP!” he shouted in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?”
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, then held it up to him.
“OK,” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, “STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?”
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said, “Carry on, ma’am.”
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.
“Oh, good grief,” said Ethel. “Not the breathalyzer again!”
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of ‘boobies’ are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” asked the son.
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked, “Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?”
The mother smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. In his thirties and forties, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” queried the daughter.
“Yes, it’s dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”
This old woman was in her attic with her cat (whom she loved very much) when she saw an old bottle. She started wiping the bottle and a genie appeared. The genie told her she would grant her three wishes. So the old woman wished to become a beautiful young woman and, POOF, she became a very beautiful young woman. Then she wished to have her house full of money from the floor to the ceiling and, POOF, her house filled up with money. Her last wish was for her beloved cat to become this gorgeous young hunk of a man, and, POOF, her cat became the biggest hunk she ever laid eyes on. She looked at the man and said, “I love you.”
The man replied, “I love you too, but now don’t you wish you hadn’t had me neutered?”
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”
“What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on. “When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head.”
“Yuk!” The bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that really is a drag!” said the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on, “but do you know
what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!”
A man is standing at the urinal in a public bathroom quietly going about his business when the door flies open and a big black guy runs in, whips out his dick and, letting out a sigh of relief, stands next to him. The black guy smiles at him and says “Just made it!!”
The first man takes a look at the black man’s dick and says, “Shit! Could you make me one like that?”
Q. Why do so many gays have moustaches?
A. To hide the stretch marks.
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath when one of them noticed that there was a response on the monitor whenever her crotch was touched.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “Crazy as this sounds, but maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.”
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him they’d close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.
After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flatlined. No pulse, no heart rate, nothing. The nurses ran into the room.
The husband, who was standing beside his wife’s bed pulling up his pants, said, “Erm... I think she choked.”
Two southern and VERY rural sisters, Georgia and Loreen, were sitting on the porch in rocking chairs discussing Loreen’s recent trip to New York City.
Loreen says, “Sister, did you KNOW that in New York City there are women who kiss other women on the LIPS?!?!”
Georgia gasps and exclaims, “Oh, sister!!! What do they call them?”
“They call them lesbians,” Loreen replies and drawls out the last word. “And, sister, did you know that in New York City there are MEN who kiss other men on the lips?”
“Oh, sister,” says Georgia, fanning herself in a startled frenzy. “What do they call THEM?”
“They call them GAY,” Loreen says. “And, SISTER, did you KNOW that in New York City there are MEN who kiss WOMEN on their PRIVATE PARTS???” Loreen whispers the last part.
To this, Georgia turns as red as the clay beneath the house and nearly falls out of her chair as she exclaims, “OHHH, sister! What do they call them?!?!?”
Loreen smiles a secretive smile and proudly announces, “Well, I don’t know but when he looked up I called him Precious!”
New meanings…
SEAGULL MANAGER—A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
SALMON DAY—The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE—The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
AIRPLANE BLONDE—One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a black box.
AUSSIE KISS—Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.
BEER COAT—The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 a.m.
BEER COMPASS—The invisible device that ensures you arrive home safely after a booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you’ve come from.
GREYHOUND—A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
One day a man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor you have got to help me. I can not get an erection for anything, and it is ruining my marriage!”
The doctor thinks for a little while and then says, “I got just the solution for you. Go home tonight and wait until your wife is sound asleep, then reach over and put your fingers between her legs and get some of her juice and rub it under your nose. Keep on doing that and it should get you an erection.”
So the guy thanks him and hurries on home. Later on that night he’s lying in bed and his wife is fast asleep. So he reaches over and starts rubbing the juice under his nose. After about a minute he can feel himself getting hard. Excited he shakes his wife awake and says, “Look, honey, look what I’ve got!”
And she replies, “You woke me up at two in the morning to show me your bloody nose?!”
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!”
“Oh, my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?”
“I poked holes in all of them!” she replied.
The third nun fainted.
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny miniskirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has no underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, “Are you looking at my pussy?”
“Yes, I’m sorry,” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman. “It’s very talented. Watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.”
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
“I can also make it wink,” says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. “Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat.
As the man moves over, the woman asks, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?”
“Good God!” says the man. “Can it whistle too?”
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
A: One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other one’s a walrus.
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asks his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why, Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes...”
“I’m not falling for this,” says the man. “I’m not going to trust a person from the IRS.”
“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, kid, what’s your second wish.”
“My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
&n
bsp; ***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.”
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If the IRS offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.
Three men with terrible addictions go and visit the doctor.
The alcoholic is the first to enter. “Well,” says the doctor, “you have damaged your liver beyond repair—if you have one more drink, you will drop dead.”
Shocked, the man leaves, vowing never to drink again.
The doctor’s next patient is a heavy smoker. “Right,” says the doctor, “your lungs are coated so heavily with tar that I’m afraid to say if you smoke one more cigarette, you will drop dead.”
The man leaves, clearly shaken and promising himself to never puff on a cigarette again.
The doctor’s final patient is a raging homosexual. “Well, I must say,” says the doctor, “I’m afraid that if you give in to your addiction just one more time, you will also drop dead.”
The homosexual leaves, resigned to the fact that he will never have sex again.
The three men are walking down the street when they pass a bar. The alcoholic can’t help himself and runs inside for his final sip of beer—and drops dead.
The two remaining men are shocked but continue their walk down the road where they come across a whole burning cigarette lying in a doorway. The smoker stops to admire it—shaking.
As he’s about to bend down and pick it up the homosexual turns to him and says,
“You do realize, if you pick that up we’re both dead!”
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 7
