Two guys were walking home from work one afternoon. “Shit,” said the first guy, “as soon as I get home, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties off!”
“What’s the rush?” his friend asked.
“The fucking elastic in the legs is killing me,” the guy replied.
A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a French farmer, seeking to find out the main cause of Mad Cow Disease.
The Lady: “Good evening, sir, we are here to collect information about the causes of Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?”
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Do you know that the bull fucks the cow once a year?”
The Lady (getting embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information, but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
The Farmer: “Well, Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?”
The Lady: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
The Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and fucking you once a year, wouldn’t YOU get mad?”
A rich man and a poor man were talking about what they got their wives for Christmas. The rich man told the poor man, “I got my wife a diamond ring and a Porsche.”
The poor man asked why.
The rich man said, “If she does not like the ring she can take it back in her Porsche.” The rich man then asks the poor man what he bought for his wife.
The poor man said, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.”
The rich man asked “Why?”
The poor man said, “If she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself.”
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
A man was on the witness stand and the lawyer asked him, “What was my client doing that night?”
The witness said, “He was fucking!!!”
The judge told the witness, “You can’t say fuck in court.”
So the lawyer asked the man again, “What was my client doing on that night?”
“He was fucking!!!!”
The judge said to him again, “Listen, if you say fuck again, I am going to hold you for 30 days for contempt of court.”
So the lawyer rephrased his question and said, “Could you describe what my client was doing on that night?”
The man thought for a moment and said this:
“His pants were down to his knees,
His ass was swinging in the breeze,
His you know what was in you know where,
And if that isn’t fucking, you can give me the chair.”
Washing a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You’ve got to caress the bodywork, breathe softly and gently, and give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you’ve got a nice wet sponge.
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees, always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay someone off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. After much thought, he eventually decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah got a terrible headache and needed to take an aspirin. She got the aspirin out of her purse and went to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.
Mr. Smith followed her to the water cooler, tapped her on the shoulder and said, “Sarah, I’m going to have to lay you, or Jack, off.”
Sarah said, “You’ll have to jack off—I have a headache!”
A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.
“I’d like to buy a horth,” he says to the owner of the farm.
“What sort of horse?” asks the owner.
“A female horth,” the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
“Nithe horth,” says the dwarf. “Can I thee her eyeth?”
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s eyes and puts him down again.
“Nithe eyeth,” says the dwarf. “Can I thee her teeth?”
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s teeth, and puts him down.
“Nithe teeth. May I now see her earth?” the dwarf asks.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s ears and then puts him down.
“Nithe earth,” he says. “Now, can I see her twot?”
“With this, the owner picks the dwarf up, and, holding him by the scruff of his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head deep inside the horse’s vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, “Perhapth I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?!!”
Q: If you had sex 365 times in one year and melted the rubbers down to make a tire, what would you call it?
A: A fucking Goodyear!!!
One day, a young boy walks onto a city bus and sits directly behind the bus driver. He begins to shout at the top of his lungs saying, “If my mommy were a girl elephant and my daddy were a boy elephant, I’d be a baby elephant!” He goes on like this for half an hour when the bus driver finally reacts to the young boy’s antics.
He slams on the brakes and turns around to the boy and yells, “If your mother were a prostitute and your father were gay, what would you be then?”
To which the boy replies with a large grin on his face, “A bus driver.”
Q: What have working for the KGB and oral sex got in common?
A: One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.
This is called the rodeo: Get into the doggy style position, grab onto her breasts, tell her they feel just like her sister’s, and then try holding on for eight seconds...
When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
“How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously.
“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the doctor.
“Well,” said Ralph’s wife coldly, “you are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Mexican is stunned. The genie says, “Hello, Master, I will grant you one wish—anything you want.”
The Mexican begins thinking, Well, I really like drinking tequila.
Finally he says, “I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila.”
The genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.
He looks at the glass and it’s clear. It looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid. It smells like tequila.
So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, “Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!”
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.
He tells her to drink it. It is tequila, he says. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best tequila she has ever tasted
. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, “Consuela, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila.” His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass, and when he fills it, his wife asks him, “But, Pancho, why do we need only one glass?”
Pancho raises the glass and says, “BECAUSE TONIGHT YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE.”
An attractive woman from New York is driving through a remote part of Texas when her car breaks down. A few minutes later, an Indian on horseback comes along and offers her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbs up behind him on the horse and they ride off. Every few minutes the Indian lets out a whoop so loud that it echoes from the surrounding hills.
When they arrive in town, he lets her off at a service station and yells one final “Yahoo!” before riding off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” the service station attendant asks.
“Nothing,” she says, “I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held on to his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”
“Lady,” the attendant says, “Indians ride bareback.”
Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day around dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon arriving, Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens. The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch. After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.
Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally, he couldn’t stand it any more and broke down and asked her what happened.
She replied that it was the best sex she’d ever had!!
“Why?” asked Farmer Brown.
“Well, when he took off his pants it was only an inch long and as big around as my little finger, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew to 16 inches. Then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage.”
Farmer Brown said, “Shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my fucking ears off!!!”
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique. It really is phenomenal! I have a question though: Why is your head so small?”
The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times.
“One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream.
So I picked up the frog and it said, ‘Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.’
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ‘You now have three wishes.’
I looked down at my scrawny body and said, ‘I want a body better than Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime.’
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ‘What will be your second wish?’
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ‘I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.’ She nodded, lay down, held her arms out to me and we made mad passionate love!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ‘You know, you do have one more wish, darling. What will it be?”
I looked in to her loving eyes and replied, ‘How about a little head?’”
Tarzan and Jane are going to do it for the first time, but Tarzan tells Jane that he doesn’t know how.
Jane says, “Look, it’s very easy,” and she explains what it is to make love.
Tarzan tells her, “Tarzan does it in tree trunk hole.”
Jane tells him, “You’ve got it all wrong, you stick it in this hole,” motioning to her crotch.
Tarzan and Jane get naked and Jane motions Tarzan to put it in her crotch. Tarzan goes to Jane and kicks her very hard in her crotch.
Jane, twitching with pain, asks Tarzan, “What was that for?”
Tarzan says, “Tarzan checks for Squirrels.”
Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: Ten naked men running in a circle and the first one stops!
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sex, too.
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
“Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?”
After some thought Jane proudly replied with, “Monday.”
“Great, Jane. That has two syllables, Mon...day.”
“Does anyone know another word?”
“I do! I do!” replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humor she picked Mike instead.
“OK, Mike, what is your word?”
“Saturday,” said Mike.
“Great. That has three syllables...”
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny said, “I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!”
Not thinking he could do any harm with a word that large, the teacher reluctantly said, “OK, Johnny, what is your four syllable word?”
Johnny proudly said, “Mas...tur...ba...tion.”
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure, said, “Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That’s certainly a mouthful.”
“No, Ma’am, you’re thinking of ‘blow job’, and that’s only two syllables.”
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Knob,” in which a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.”
Over the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful—the woman remained young-looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags. Those are your breasts.”
She said, “Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.”
Did you know that the most commonly used sexual position in the world is doggy style? You know, the one where the man sits up and begs and the women rolls over and plays dead.
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?”
The rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requireme
nt of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
A beautiful young woman walks into a dentist’s office for some major work on her teeth. Sitting in the waiting room for a while, she is finally told the doctor will see her. She enters a small room and sits down in the chair and awaits the arrival of the dentist. After a few minutes or so the doctor comes and sits down to take a look. He asks the young woman to open her mouth so that he can take a look. To his surprise he notices that almost every tooth in her mouth is chipped, broken, and some are completely missing except for the roots. Even her tongue looks as if it has been beaten. She then asks the doctor what the problem could be, and he answers, “Well, Lois Lane…”
Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A. Keep the tip!!
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, “How much do you charge?”
Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand job.”
Guy says, “$500! For a hand job! Jesus Christ! No hand job is worth that kind of money!”
The hooker says, “Do you see that restaurant on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see the restaurant about a block further down?”
“Yes.”
“And beyond that, do you see that third one?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand job that’s worth $500.”
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 8
