The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

by Rudy A. Swale

  Guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.” They retire to a nearby motel.

  A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he’s just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow job is $1,000?”

  The hooker replies, “$1,500.”

  “I wouldn’t pay that for a blow job!”

  The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”

  The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, “Sign me up.”

  Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”

  The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?”

  “Damn!” the guy says in awe. “You own the whole city?”

  “No,” the hooker replies, “but I would if I had a pussy.”

  Two old guys walk into a brothel and ask the madam behind the counter for her two best whores. The madam thinks, I’m not giving these men my two best whores. So she asks someone to put two blow up dolls in two separate rooms. The men go in and do their thing.

  They come out when they are done and one says to the other, “How was your whore?”

  “Mine was the best I ever had. How about yours?”

  “I think mine was a witch.”

  “Why is that?” he asked.

  “Well, I got to nibbling on her nipple and she let out a loud fart and flew out the window!!”

  Back in the 1800s, a farmer and his daughter head into the market to sell that year’s crop so they can survive the winter. They sell everything and have plenty of money to make it through the winter. On the way back, the father notices a pack of robbers behind them. He breaks down because he knows that they are planning to take all of the money.

  The daughter says, “Quick, Dad, give me the money!”

  Moments later the robbers take everything they can. The father begins to cry and the daughter says, “It’s OK, Dad, I have the money still.”

  He replies, “Where did you hide it?”

  She says, “In my pussy.”

  He replies, “Damn, if we had brought your mother we could have saved the horse and cart, too.”

  One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

  The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word “penis” again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for about a week she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, and each day the word was larger than the day before.

  Finally, one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the words: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”

  A blonde and a brunette walk into a bar. As they sit down, the brunette notices a guy checking out the blonde. So the brunette decides to go and talk to this guy. She walks up to him and says, “I see you’ve been checking out my friend. You know, the blonde sitting over there. She’s pretty isn’t she?”

  The guy responds, “Oh, man, she’s just gorgeous, absolutely beautiful.”

  The brunette says, “Well, for $50 I can arrange for you to smell her crotch.”

  The guy says, “Well, yes, of course!” He pulls out the money and hands it to her.

  She takes it and breathes in his face.

  Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?

  A. How am I suppose to get hard if I just got laid 10 minutes ago?

  A young man had been dating his girlfriend for over a year, and so they decided to get married. His parents, family and friends helped him in every way. There was only one thing bothering him, very much indeed, and that one thing was his fiancée’s younger sister. She was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts and low-cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near him and he had many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day, little sister called and asked him to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when he got there. She whispered to him that soon he was to be married, but she had feelings and desires for him that she couldn’t overcome—and didn’t really want to overcome. She told him that she wanted to make love to him just once before he got married and committed his life to her sister. He was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.

  She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.”

  He was stunned. He was frozen in shock as he watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at him. He stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. He opened the door and stepped out of the house. He walked straight towards his car. His future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged him and said,

  “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

  The moral of this story is:

  Always keep your condoms in your car.

  Q. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?

  A. Men miss them all.

  In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.

  The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”

  Charlie replies, “Driving to Chicago!”

  The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

  The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well, Charlie, how are you doing?”

  Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago.”

  “Great,” replies the nurse.

  The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed, furiously masturbating.

  Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?”

  Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago.”

  A man picks up a hooker and takes her back to his room. She strips off all her clothes and all he does is stare at her.

  “What, honey, is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?”

  “No, it’s just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into!”

  One night a man got drunk, walked home from the bar, passed out in bed right next to his wife and started dreaming. He dreamed that he went to heaven and was at the Pearly Gates and saw Saint Peter waiting there. He walked up and said, “Am I in heaven?”

  Saint Peter replied, “Yes, you’re in heaven.”

  The drunk man asked how he died and Saint Peter said, “Umm, hold on, wait a little while and I’ll get your records.” While he was waiting, the drunken man saw a blonde angel pass and asked if he could have sex with her.

  Saint Peter said, “Yes, do it behind the cloud.” So he spent 30 minutes fucking the blonde and then she left. Shortly afterward, a brunette angel walked past him and he asked if he could have sex with her.

  Saint Peter said, “Yes.” So once again the drunk went behind the cloud and spent 30 minutes having sex before the brunette angel left. The same thing happened a third time,
only it was a redhead angel who had sex with the drunk man. After all that sex he had to shit so he asked Saint Peter,

  “Can I use the bathroom?”

  Saint Peter said, “Yes, go over the edge of the cloud.”

  So he went over to the edge of the cloud and did what he had to do and wiped himself with a piece of cloud. Then he heard his name being called many times and wondered if Saint Peter had found out why he died. To his horror he woke with a start and realized it was actually his wife who was screaming his name.

  She said, “You can fuck me three times and you can shit the bed, but there’s no way you’re going to wipe your ass with my pillow!!!”

  To whom this may concern:

  I have a serious issue. Do you mind me asking you a favor? Here’s my dilemma. I’ve been wanting this for a long time. I’ve been craving it for so long! I mean, the memories of it going in hard and coming out soft—it’s driving me insane! My tongue wrapped around it, licking up the juices. My mouth waters due to the strong urges. I can’t help moan at the thought of each bite, for the flavor is too great! I need it, can’t you see? So can you please help me? Well, now that I’ve chimed my heart out, here’s my question:

  Can I have some gum?

  A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and tells the artist that she wants a tattoo of Santa Claus on her inner right thigh and a Thanksgiving turkey on her inner left thigh.

  The artist says, “Ma’am, that’s kind of a strange request ... Might I ask why you want those particular tattoos there?”

  “Well,” she says, “my husband’s always bitching that there’s nothing good in the house to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I thought I would fix that!”

  Q. What’s the difference between sin and shame?

  A. It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

  A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, “Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?”

  “Yes, dear,” replies her mother, pleased that the subject has finally come up and she won’t have to explain it to her daughter.

  “But when a baby’s actually being born,” responded the teenager, “how does it get past your teeth?”

  Q. How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

  A. Paint its balls red.

  Q. How did Tarzan die?

  A. Picking cherries.

  Three generations of prostitutes are discussing current financial conditions of their industry. The youngest one says, “I can’t believe I only get $20 for a blow job.”

  Her mother says, “Girl, when I was your age I could barely get $5 for a blow job.”

  Grandma says, “When I was your age, we would give blow jobs for free just to have something warm in our stomach.”

  A woman walks down a street one day and runs into a man.

  The man says, “Your hair smells good today.”

  The woman then says, “Yeah, OK.”

  The next day on her way home she runs into the same guy, and again he says, “Your hair smells good today.”

  By this time the girl was getting freaked out, so she went to the police station and told the police that she wanted to report the man on the street for harassment.

  The policeman says, “OK, but what has he done?”

  The lady says, “Well, everyday I go the same way home and I run into the man and he says that my hair smells good.”

  “Madam, I don’t see a problem with that. He is just being nice,” the officer says.

  The woman gets mad and says, “Well, it’s harassment when he is only waist high.”

  Jim Morrison is in one corner of a hotel room with the rest of his band, and in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr. All are naked.

  Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment, then moves on to his guitarist, drummer and keyboard player.

  When she’s finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.

  At that moment, there’s a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts . . . .

  “Oi, you’re only supposed to blow the Doors off!”

  Q. What’s the speed limit of sex?

  A. 68, because at 69 you have to turn around.

  One morning in December, a happily married couple rises from their night’s rest. The husband rolls over to his beautiful wife and asks how her night was.

  She replies, “It was great! I had the best dream in the world.”

  Intrigued, the husband urges her to go on.

  “Well, I had a dream that I had the most beautifully decorated Christmas tree ever! It was covered with cocks: big ones, long ones, hard ones, smooth ones, every kind of dick you could imagine.”

  The husband, now gloating a little asks, “Was mine at the top for the shining star?”

  “No, yours was at the bottom with the broken, wrinkly, tiny ones. How was your night, honey?”

  Now pissed off, he replies, “Well, my dream was even better than yours! I dreamed that we had a Christmas tree decorated with the most beautiful vaginas ever: tight ones, pink ones, smooth ones, every kind of vagina.”

  “Was mine at the top for your shining star?”

  Then the husband replies, “No, yours was holding up the fucking tree!”

  A priest was getting ready to hear confessions one day when he got a terrible attack of diarrhea, so he asked the altar boy to take over for him.

  “But I don’t know how to hear confessions,” said the altar boy.

  “It’s easy,” said the priest. “You’ve seen me do it many times. Nobody will know the difference.”

  So the altar boy was in the confession booth when a man came in and sat down on the other side.

  “Father, I don’t know what to do,” the man said. “Last night my wife and I were in bed. She was sleeping and I rolled her over and fucked her in the ass. I feel bad about it, but I don’t know how to make it up to her.”

  “That’s easy,” said the altar boy. “Just give her milk and cookies like the priest gives me.”

  One day a priest went out to his farm to check his hens, but to his surprise there was no rooster! During mass he asked, “Has anyone here seen a cock?”

  All the women stood up.

  He then said, “I mean, has anyone got a cock?”

  All the men stood up.

  He said, “No, no, I mean has anyone seen a cock that does not belong to them?”

  Half the women stood up.

  “No, no, no, I mean has anyone seen my cock?”

  All the choir boys stood up!

  Little Johnny is in the middle of class and stands up and says, “I have to piss.”

  The teacher says, “Now, Johnny, the proper word is ‘urinate’ and while you’re in the bathroom I want you to think of a sentence that has the word ‘urinate’ in it.”

  So Johnny goes, does his thing and comes back and the teacher asks, “Well, Johnny, did you think of a sentence?”

  He says, “Yes...urinate, and if you had bigger tits you’d be a ten.”

  Q. Why is air a lot like sex?

  A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

  Have you heard about the kid that was born last week? He was born with no eyelids. Apparently the doctors took the foreskin off his dick and made him eyelids. Now he’s cockeyed.

  One day Little Red Riding Hood was going to see her grandmother, so she put some provisions into a basket to take with her.

  Just as she was going to leave, her mother turned to her and said, “Little Red Riding Hood, you had better look out for that Big Bad Wolf because he’ll pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off.”

  “Oh dear,” said Little Red Riding
Hood, as she went on her way.

  About two hours later, she got to her grandmother’s house and she was so pleased to see Little Red Riding Hood. Her grandmother invited her in and made some tea and they sat down and talked for hours. The grandmother suddenly noticed that it was 10 o’clock at night and said, “Oh dear, Little Red Riding Hood, it’s getting late and you should be going.”

  So Little Red Riding Hood got ready and was just about to leave when grandma turned to her and said, “Little Red Riding Hood, you best beware of the Big Bad Wolf because he’ll pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off.”

  “Oh dear,” said Little Red Riding Hood, as she set off for home. She got about half way through the woods when, all of a sudden, the Big Bad Wolf popped out from behind a bush. So Little Red Riding Hood pulled up her little red skirt, pulled down her little red panties and said to the big bad wolf, “Eat me like the story says!”

  A woman and a man meet at a rapid dating service. The man sits down and says, “I’ve only got three questions.”

  “OK,” replies the woman.

  “Do you like to clean?” he asks.

  “I love cleaning,” she replies.

  “Great. Do you like to cook for other people?”

  “I love to cook,” she says.

  “Fantastic,” says the man. “OK, last question. Do you like sex?”

  “I like it infrequently,” she replies.

  The man then asks, “Is that one word or two?”

  A man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I have a slight discharge.”

  The female doctor says, “Alright, pull your pants down and stand over there.”