The man pulls his pants down, and the doctor grabs his penis and starts massaging it gently. The man’s head starts wobbling and he’s got a big smile on his face.
After five minutes of this, the doctor says, “There’s no discharge here.”
The man replies, “I know, it’s in my ear.”
A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:
Rich widow looking for man to share life and fortune.
Needs to have these qualifications:1. Won’t beat me up
2. Won’t run away
3. Has to be great in bed
For several months, her phone rang off the hook; her doorbell was ringing constantly; she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the doorstep.
Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you? And what do you want?”
“Hi,” he said. “Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms so I can’t beat you up and no legs so I can’t run away.”
“Well, then,” she said, “what makes you think that you’re so great in bed?”
To which he replied, “Well, I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
Q. What is the first thing to come out of a penis when you kiss it?
A. The wrinkles.
One day, three sisters were at home and their mom said their boyfriends could stay the night.
That night, the mom was walking through the hallway and heard crying from the first daughter’s room. Then, she heard laughter coming from the second daughter’s room. However, there was no sound at all from the third daughter’s room.
The next day after their boyfriends had left, the mother asked the first daughter why she was crying.
“Because it hurts the first time,” she replied.
The mother asked the second daughter why she was laughing.
“Because it tickled the first time.”
Then the mother asked the third daughter what she was doing as there was no sound from her room.
The daughter answered, “But, Mom, you always taught me not to talk with my mouth full!”
A man walks into a bordello in New Orleans and says to the madam of the house, “I would like to see Madelyn.”
The madam says, “Madelyn is our most expensive woman at a $1,000 a night.”
The guy says, “No problem!” and hands over $1,000 in cash. So the madam shows him up to Madelyn’s room.
The next night, the man shows up and requests Madelyn again, throws down $1,000, and again he spends the night with the expensive hooker.
In the morning, Madelyn tries to make small talk and asks him where he’s from.
The guy says, “I’m from Philadelphia.”
Madelyn jumps up in surprise and says, “Really? Me too!!”
The guy says, “Yeah, I know. Your father just passed away and your brother wanted me to give you $2,000.”
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
A man feeling rather down in the dumps after splitting up with his girlfriend goes and sees his buddy.
His buddy has sympathy for him and says, “You can borrow my girlfriend, she’s very frisky.”
The other man replies, “Wow. Really?!”
Then his buddy says, “Oh, by the way, she can sing while giving a blow job but you have to turn out the light.”
Later that night he turns out the light and she starts giving him a blow job and he hears singing in a wonderful voice.
The next day he asks his buddy, “How the hell does she do that?”
His buddy replies, “You can have her again tonight, but while she’s giving you a blow job turn on the light.”
That night he turns out the light and she starts giving him a blow job and the singing starts, so the guy reaches over and switches the lamp on. He then notices that on the bedside table next to the lamp is a GLASS EYE.
A man walks into a whorehouse and asks the madam,
“Pardon me, madam, are you a union whorehouse?”
She replies, “No, we’re not.”
He says, “Then you can’t have my business because I only shop at union businesses.”
He walks into a second whorehouse and asks the madam, “Pardon me, madam, are you a union whorehouse?”
She replies, “No, we’re not.”
He says, “Then you can’t have my business because I only shop at union businesses.”
He then walks into a third whorehouse and asks the madam, “Pardon me, madam, are you a union whorehouse?”
She replies, “Why, yes, we are.”
He says, “Then you have my business because I only shop at union businesses, and I’ll take that pretty blonde in the corner.”
The madam replies, “Oh, I’m sorry you can’t have her. You have to take the fat, ugly one because she has seniority.”
One day a little girl and a little boy were at the park with their pants pulled down. The little girl asked the little boy, “What is that?”
And the little boy said, “I don’t know.”
Then the little boy asked the little girl the same thing and she said she didn’t know.
So that night the little girl asked her mom and her mom said, “That’s your garage, and you must not let any big trucks go in.”
Meanwhile, at the little boy’s house, the little boy asked his dad what ‘it’ was and his dad said, “That’s your big truck and you must not park it in any garage.”
The next day the boy and the girl pulled their pants down again, but this time the girl went home with blood on her hands. Her mom screamed and asked why she had blood on her hands.
The girl said, “The boy tried to put his big truck in my garage so I pulled his two back tires off.”
This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there’s a frog inside.
The blonde says, “He’s cute, but does he do tricks?”
The guy says, “Yes, he licks pussy.”
So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment.
They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all.
The blonde says, “Well? What’s up?”
The frog still does not move.
So the guy leans over to the frog and says, “All right, I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”
Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!
Two old retirees are taking a trip down memory lane and have gone on vacation back to the place where they first met.
While sitting at a café the little old man says, “Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this café, went around the corner behind the factory and I gave you one from behind.”
“Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,” replies the little old lady with a grin.
“Well, for old time’s sake, let’s go there again and I’ll give you one from behind.”
The two retirees pay their bill and leave the café. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old retirees going at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two retirees near the factory. The little old lady pulls off her panties and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips and the little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomena
l. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for an hour.
The man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, “I have to know his secret. If only I could fuck like that now, let alone in fifty years time!”
The two old retirees have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Gathering the courage he approaches the older man.
He says, “Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody screw like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret? Could you screw like that fifty years ago?”
The retiree replies, “Son, fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn’t electric.”
Q. What is foreplay for a blonde?
A. Thirty minutes of begging.
A social misfit walks into his local bar with a big grin on his face.
“What are you so happy about?” asks the bartender.
“Well, I’ll tell you,” replies the ugly guy. “You know I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies.
I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!”
“Fantastic,” exclaimed the bartender. “You lucky dog. Was she pretty?”
“I don’t know. I never found her head.”
One morning while making breakfast, a husband walked up to his wife, pinched her butt and said, “If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.”
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.”
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his privates.
With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother!”
There was a man who enjoyed his sex life a lot, but sometimes had problems getting it up, so he went to see his doctor. His doctor said that to help it stay up he needed to masturbate a couple of hours before sex.
The man agreed but couldn’t think of any good places to do this. He thought of the bathroom, but realized he may be heard. He thought of his office, but someone may walk in.
As he was driving home he thought of the perfect place. He pulled his car onto the side of the road, got out and lay down underneath the car. Pleased with the comfort and discretion, he shut his eyes and started to masturbate picturing his wife.
After about ten minutes, a policeman came and asked him what he was doing. His eyes still closed and masturbating he replied, “Erm, just checking everything’s OK.”
“Yeah, OK. Well while you’re down there, you might want to check the brakes because your car rolled down the hill five minutes ago!”
There were two grannies sitting at bingo when one looked at the other and said, “Did you come on the bus?”
The other answered, “Well, yes I did actually, but I didn’t think anyone heard me!”
A girl named Jane is in line to go to heaven and while she’s at the Pearly Gates talking to St. Peter, she hears a drill and then a scream.
She asks, “What’s that?”
St. Peter replies, “Oh, that’s just an angel getting her halo fitted.”
The woman thinks about it and then starts to talk to him again. Then she hears another scream and asks, “What’s that?”
St. Peter smiles and says, “That’s just an angel getting her wings fitted.”
She says, “Fuck this, I’m going to Hell!”
St. Peter says, “But they rape you and sodomize you there.”
She just smiles and says, “At least I have the holes for that.”
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
A man goes to a brothel. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and gets undressed. She’s about to take off her sheer blue negligee when the fire alarm rings!
She runs out of the room with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He’s searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.
By this time the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, “Did you see a beautiful blonde in a sheer blue negligee with $200 in her hand?”
The fireman says, “No!”
The man then says, “Well if you see her, screw her. It’s paid for.”
Early one summer, a six-year-old Arkansas boy and his family decided to take a trip to Sweden. During this trip, the six-year-old Arkansas boy stumbled upon a nudist camp. Noticing the adult men were different in appearance, the six-year-old wandered up to the most endowed male at the camp. “What is that?” the six-year-old asked.
“Dis is a penis,” the Swedish man replied, “and da perfect penis, if I might add!!”
Upon arriving back in Arkansas, the six-year-old continued school with the second grade, and, for his first “show and tell,” the six-year-old Arkansan removed his penis from his pants and said, “While in Sweden this summer, I learned that this is a penis...and it would be a perfect penis...if it were only 4 inches shorter!!”
A man walks in to the pharmacy and says “I need some birth control pills for my 12-year-old daughter.”
The man behind the counter replies “Your 12-year-old daughter is already having active sex?!”
The dad says, “No, she just lies there like her mother!”
Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, “My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.”
A second guy says, “What’s that?”
The first guy says, “That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.”
Another one says, “My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.”
A girl asks, “What’s that?”
He says, “That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.”
A lady says, “That’s nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.”
Larry says, “A WIFE? What’s a WIFE?”
She says, “That means, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”
A man had just bought a computer but he didn’t know how to set it up so he got this girl to do it for him. When she asked him what his password was going to be, he said (trying to be funny), “Penis.”
She didn’t laugh at him, but she laughed at the response that came up: Password rejected—not long enough.
What do you call the extra skin around a pussy?
A woman.
A couple is working in the garden and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can’t find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window that she can’t hear.
So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions.
(“I need the rake.”)
She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her butt, then rubbing her crotch.
The man is confused and runs upstairs.
“What? What was that?”
“Eye, left tit, behind, the bush.”
Having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string ‘em along with some half lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
A guy walks into the living room followed by a sheep and says, “This is the pig I’ve been fucking.”
His wife, who is sitting on the sofa, says, “That’s not a pig, stupid, it’s a sheep.”
The guy turns to his wife and says, “Shut up, bitch, I was talking to the sheep.”
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Frid
ay evening that reads:
“Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary.”
When he arrives at the hotel there’s a letter waiting for him that reads as follows:
“Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”
A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit dismayed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”
“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way...
“Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 10
