“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”
“The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief.
“Ahh, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little prick like you.”
A blonde girl is crossing the road when she gets hit by a car. As she is lying on the ground, the driver rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.
“I’m so sorry! I just didn’t see you. Are you OK?” he blurts out.
“Everyfink is justa blur; I can’t see a fing,” she says tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, “How many fingers have I got up?”
“Ah, fuck!” she screams. “Don’t tell me I’m paralyzed from the waist down, too!!!”
At a news conference a journalist said to a politician, “Your assistant said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?”
“The truth is,” he replied, “my assistant has a big mouth.”
A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A few days after, a third girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a green “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.
“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”
A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”
The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?”
The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says to the counselor, “For years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
The counselor explains, “She says you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public—looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do on his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counselor smiles. “That just means you should stay out of trouble. And,” he continued, “finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
“This,” says the husband, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed, and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “With his dying breath, he said, ‘Don’t screw up.’”
Q. What do bungee jumping and prostitutes have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks you’re screwed.
Q. What’s the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says.
He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you shined that light on her face.”
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have had a really bad day the day you died.
So the next day the first person came to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate promptly asked the man to tell him about the day he died.
“Well, for some time now, I thought my wife was having an affair and that each day on her lunch hour she’d bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too, and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in, and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn’t find him! Just when I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn’t die. This got me even more enraged so I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him, which turned out to be the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day. So he announced, “OK, sir, welcome to the kingdom of heaven,” and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. “OK, here’s the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died.”
“Sure thing,” the next man replied. “But you’re not going to believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine, when, all of a sudden, this crazy man came running out of his apartment and started cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn’t die right away. As I lay there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I saw the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it fell directly on top of me and killed me!”
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. “Very well,” he announces. “Welcome to the kingdom of heaven,” and let
s the man enter.
A few seconds later a third man comes up to the gate. “Tell me about the day you died,” says the angel.
“OK, picture this,” says the man. “I’m naked inside a refrigerator...”
Q. Why do women pierce their belly button?
A. So they have a place to hang their air freshener.
This boy takes his girlfriend back to her house after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blow job?”
“What? You’re crazy!!!”
“Don’t worry, it will be quick. No problem.”
“No!! Someone may see. A relative, a neighbor...”
“At this time of night no one will show up.”
“I’ve already said no, and I mean NO!”
“Honey, it’s just a small blow job...I know you like it too.”
“NO!!! I’ve said NO!!!”
“Baby...don’t be like that.”
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair all a mess, rubbing her eyes and says,
“Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come down and blow the guy himself, but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.”
Q. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. One’s a snack cracker, and the other’s a crack snacker!
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.”
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?”
The room stilled. There was a long pause.
The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with.
Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with.
And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.”
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?”
The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
A businessman met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.” On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: (1) It had never been occupied before; (2) That there was plenty of heat; (3) That it was small enough to make me cosy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I can not understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of warmth if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlord.
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a tremendous urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh...she got fired too.”
Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.
It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”
After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”
“Yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with mommy!”
“Okay, then, here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”
“Okay, Daddy!”
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”
“And what happened?”
“Well, mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell through the upstairs window and now she’s dead.”
“Oh my god...and what about Uncle Frank?”
“He leapt out of bed with no clothes on, too, and he was so scared he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead as well.”
There is a long pause and then Bob says, “Swimming pool? Is this 554-7039?”
After the annual office Christmas party, John woke up with a pounding headache, cottonmouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she assured him in her most scornful tone. “You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.”
“He’s an arrogant, self-important prick. Piss on him!” said John.
“You did. All over his suit,” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him,” said John.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”
A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only three survivors: David, Darren and Daisy.
They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally.
Eventually Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both David and Darren that she kills herself. It’s sad for David and Darren but they get over it and again nature takes it’s course.
After year’s time they feel really bad about what they are doing...
…so they bury her.
One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. “Hello,
I want a single room for the night please.”
“Fine, sir, here’s one of our best rooms. Room 13,” says the concierge and hands him the key.
The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 o’clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can’t believe what’s happening. Next morning, still surprised by last night’s events, he goes downstairs to settle the bill.
“How was your room sir?” asks the receptionist.
“Excellent, I will come back again. What do I owe you?” asks the man.
“Well…actually, sir, we are doing a promotional offer. Not only do you not have to pay but we give you $10 as a welcome gesture,” says the receptionist.
“What?” says the guy, very surprised indeed. “That’s amazing.” He takes the ten-dollar bill and wanders off, debating whether his buddies will believe him or not. Needless to say, after a few days he’s told all his friends and neighbors about room 13 and the amazing night of passion.
The next week one of his buddies goes to check out the room. “Room 13 please.”
“Certainly, sir, here’s your key.”
After he gets in bed, at the same time, 2 o’clock, three girls this time, extremely horny, get in bed and screw his brains out. The next morning, not only does he not have to pay, but he too gets $10.
After a month, everyone knows this hotel and especially room 13. Everyone that stays in room 13 gets the same treatment: a good screw and a ten bucks.
After a few weeks, the story reaches an archbishop. The archbishop decides to check the story out for himself. He visits the hotel and asks for room 13. He gets the keys and goes upstairs. After a couple of drinks he gets in bed waiting patiently for the naked girls to appear. Indeed at about 2 o’clock in the morning two naked ladies come to bed. They are as horny and wild as all the stories the archbishop has heard. The archbishop gets his pecker out and screws the both of them all night long. This is the night of his life.
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 11
