The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished with her beauty.
“Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims. “Oh my goodness, you are so beautiful. Let me take your picture.”
Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”
He answers, “Yes, my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever.” She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why are you wearing a robe? We are married now.”
The man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, oh, oh, my, let me get a picture.”
He beams and asks, “Why?”
She answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!”
“Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”
She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been fishing again!!!”
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don’t have eyes.
A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry,” the nurse stated, “but for this reading I cannot use an oral thermometer.”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confessed, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t... Not with a carnation anyway.”
Q. How can you tell if you’re making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A. The teacher says, “We’ve got to do this over and over again until we get it right.”
The nurse says, “Hold still; this won’t hurt at all.”
And the airline stewardess says, “Put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.”
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: “So what happened that’s so horrible?”
Farmer: “Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
Man: “OK, but that’s not so bad.”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: “So what happened then?”
Farmer: “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
Man: “And then?”
Farmer: “Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
Man: “Again?”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: “So, what did you do then?”
Farmer: “I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
Man: “And then?”
Farmer: “Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
Man: “Hmmm...”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: “So, what did you do?”
Farmer: “Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.”
There’s a guy who really takes care of his body: He lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really suntanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, “There really is no justice in this world.”
The other little old lady says, “What do you mean?”
The first little old lady says, “Look at that.
When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.
When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.
When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.
When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.
When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.
When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.
And now that I’m 80, the damned things are growing wild!!”
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I’m not giving him any of mine.”
Second Bull: “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him ‘til I run him off or kill him, but I’m keeping all my cows.”
Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to ‘take care of.’ I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows.”
They’d no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it—the biggest bull these guys had ever seen! At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to breaking point.
First Bull: “You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
Second Bull: “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
Third Bull: “Hell, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull!”
An old ma
id wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.”
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, “Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.”
Q. Did you hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”
“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”
Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
“Okay,” he said. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven—then there’s you—nine, ten, 11, 12, 13...”
What men would do if they had a vagina for a day:
Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
Squat over a handheld mirror for an hour and a half.
See if they could finally do the splits.
See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes.
Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic examination and ask to have it recorded on video.
Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
Finally—find that damned G-spot.
One day a young girl wearing a skirt goes out to play with her friends.
She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.
The boy says to the girl, “Go on, climb that tree.”
The girl climbs up while the boy just stands there and looks up her skirt. After a while the girl goes home and tells her mom what happened.
Her mom says, “Oh my, stupid girl, he just wanted to stand there and look at your underpants.”
The next day she goes out again with her skirt on and meets the same boy. He tells her to climb the tree again and she does.
When she gets home she tells her mom what happened and her mom says, “Oh, my, stupid girl, he just wanted to stand there and look at your underpants.”
The girl replies, “No, actually I tricked him. This time I didn’t wear any underpants!”
A little girl walks into her parents’ bathroom and notices for the first time her father’s nakedness. Immediately, she is curious: He has equipment that she doesn’t have.
She asks, “What are those round things hanging there, daddy?”
Proudly, he replies, “Those, sweetheart, are God’s Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn’t be here.”
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, “Did he say anything about the dead branch they’re hanging from?”
A man was walking one day when he came to a big house in a nice neighborhood.
Suddenly, he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree, then another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
“This is a brothel,” replied the madam.
“Well, what’s all this out on the lawn?” queried the man.
“Oh, we’re having a yard sale today.”
A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys came on to her.
Her mother said, “It’s very easy! Whenever a boy starts talking to you, you ask him, ‘What will be the name of our baby?’ That’ll scare them off.”
So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her. Little by little he started kissing her and touching her.
She asked him, “What will our baby be called?”
The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: A boy started to kiss her neck and her shoulders. She stopped him and asked about the baby’s name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, “What will our baby be called?”
He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. “What will our baby be called?” she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. “What will our baby be called?!” she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his full condom, tied it in a knot, and said, “If he gets out of this one... Houdini!”
A man from the armed services had just spent a year unaccompanied on an expedition to a remote part of the world. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, “Honey, I want you to know that I haven’t wasted all this time alone. Instead, I’ve mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!”
And with that he dropped his underwear and shorts and stood before her totally naked.
“Now watch,” he said. Next he said, “Dick, ten-SHUN!”
And with that his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, “Dick, at EASE!”
And his dick deflated again.
“Wow, that was amazing,” said his wife. “Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It’s really something else!”
The guy responded that he didn’t mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife went next door and came back with a delicious-looking woman who got this guy’s full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, “Now watch this.” Then he said, “Dick, ten-SHUN!”
And the dick sprang to life. Then it was, “Dick, at EASE!”
But nothing happened. So the guy again said, “Dick, at EASE!”
But still nothing happened. So the guy now says, “For the last time, I said AT EASE!!”
Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarrassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.
“What in the world are you doing?” she asked.
The guy said, “I’m giving this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!”
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout “Fuck”?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo!”
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”
The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Motor Racing Grand Prix. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”
The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”
She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic gold-medalist for the 400 meters.”
“How so?”
“He’s got his time down to under 45 seconds.”
The subway train was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to the police!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Miss. That’s just my pay check in my pocket.”
“Oh really,” she spat. “Then you must have some job, because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour!”
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, “F.F.”
His wife turned to him and answered, “E.F.”
Out on the highway, he said, “F.F.”
She responded simply, “
E.F.”
He repeated, “F.F.”
She again replied, “E.F.”
“Mom! Dad!” their son yelled. “What’s going on?”
Bad Bernie answered, “Your mother wants to eat first!”
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It’s got to be hot. You’ve got to take your time. You’ve got to stir gently and firmly.
You’ve got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
Ways to say, “Excuse me, your fly is undone”:
The cucumber has left the salad.
Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
Your soldier isn’t so unknown now.
Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.
You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.
I’m talking about shaft; can you dig it?
Men are from Mars, women can see your penis.
A worried father confronted his daughter one night. “I don’t like that new boyfriend; he’s rough and common and incredibly stupid.”
“Oh no, Daddy,” the daughter replied, “Fred’s ever so clever. We’ve only been going out nine weeks and he’s cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.”
At a local college dance, a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance.
While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug.”
She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.”
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss.”
She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a kiss too.”
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 16
