Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to have sex with her, saying, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich.”
She says, “Yaaah, in Sveden we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
“We’ve been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confessed miserably.
“I’m sure we’ll solve your problem,” the doctor reassured her.
“If you’ll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.”
“Well, all right, Doctor,” agreed the young woman, blushing, “but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.”
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz with an afternoon wedding in which the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But, lo and behold, the next morning the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, my dear? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”
Q. What’s the best form of birth control after 50?
A. Nudity.
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
“Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small,” he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
“Well, Japanese beer,” he replies, quite bemused.
“Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, they shrink things, those silly Japanese beers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.”
Two months later the guy returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
“I take it you now drink Guinness?” asks the doctor.
“Oh no, Doc,” replies the man, “but I’ve got the wife hooked on Japanese beer!”
Bedroom Golf
* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before play may begin.
* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.
* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.
* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well-formed bunkers.
* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.
* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
* Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.
* Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.”
His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A couple of weeks later, the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
“While I’m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later, he comes back and meets his friend.
“So did anything happen?”
“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.
“The day after you left, I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.”
“Then what happened?” says the man.
“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”
“Damn, you see what I mean? There’s always that doubt.”
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, “Ewww—what’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?”
“I had tolio as a child,” he answered.
“You mean polio?” she asked.
“No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.”
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
“What’s wrong with your knees?” she asked. “They’re all lumpy and deformed!”
“As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.
“You mean measles?” she asked.
“No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
“Don’t tell me,” she said. “Let me guess…Smallcox?”
In a checkout line the other day a couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.
The checkout girl was listening when she heard the lady say to the guy, “Stop being a scrote.”
With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, “What is a scrote?”
Without missing a be
at the lady responded, “Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole.”
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, and why she doesn’t want to have sex with her husband.
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what.’
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what.’
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what.’
So you see, Doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”
After a long night of making love, a young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one on hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.
He opened the drawer of the nightstand and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”
Two women friends had gone out for a girls’ night out, and had been decidedly overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave, and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman’s husband called the other husband and said, “These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.”
“That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station; we’ll never forget you!’”
A bride tells her husband, “You know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner.’ So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”
And then they make love for the first time.
Afterward, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Darling, the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Darling, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterward, he lies back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “The prisoner has escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, he shouts at her, “It’s not a life sentence, OK?!”
A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom.
The bartender feels a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.
He asks the first duck, “What’s your name?”
“Huey,” replies the duck.
“So, how’s your day been?”
“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Huey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles all day.”
The bartender asks the second duck, “What’s your name?”
“Duey,” replies the duck.
“So, how’s your day been?”
“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Duey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles all day.”
The witty bartender says to the third duck, “So I guess your name is Louie?”
The duck replies, “No, I’m Puddles.”
Q. What do a Rubik’s cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, three soldiers are asked to report to their commander.
The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of $100 per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice.
The commander asks the first soldier, a Special Forces commando, how he can measure him up.
“I’ll have the top of my head to the tips of my toes, Sir!” replies the man of war.
“Excellent,” says the commander, “that’s 70 inches, so here’s $7,000.”
Second up, a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched.
“Excellent,” replies the commander after measuring the marine, “75 inches, so that’s $7,500.”
Thirdly, he asks the explosives expert.
“I’ll have the tip of my dick to the end of my balls measured, Sir!”
The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private’s privates he snaps back up saying, “Where in Christ’s name are your balls, soldier?”
The soldier smiles at him and says, “Falkland Islands, Sir!”
Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you’re adventurous, you might like to try an underlay.
Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. A bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, then goes to bed. A married man comes home, sees what’s in bed, then goes to the refrigerator.
Q. How do you know if a blonde likes you?
A. She screws you two nights in a row.
Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk.
“How can I get human milk?” Mendel asked the doctor.
“Well, Ruby Finkelstein’s just had a baby, maybe she’ll help.”
So every day Mendel went to Ruby’s house for his daily feed. Ruby was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady who in spite of herself gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.
One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, “Tell me, M
r. Rugelbaum, do you like it?”
“Mmmm, wonderful,” he sighed.
“Is there...” she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow. “Is there anything else you’d like?”
“As a matter of fact there is,” murmured Mendel.
“What?” Ruby asked breathlessly.
Mendel licked his lips. “Maybe a little cookie?”
“Doc,” says Steve, “I want to be castrated.”
“What on earth for?” asks the doctor in amazement.
“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done,” replies Steve.
“But have you thought it through properly?” asks the doctor. “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!”
“I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind. Either you book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply go to another doctor.”
“Well, OK,” says the doctor, “but it’s against my better judgment!”
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
“Hi there,” says Steve. “It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.”
“Well,” said the patient, “I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.”
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, “Shit! THAT’S the word!”
Three women walk into a pet shop.
Suddenly the parrot yells out, “Yellow, pink, blue.”
The first lady says, “That’s funny, I’m wearing yellow underwear.”
The second lady says, “Well, I’m wearing pink.”
The third lady says, “No way, I’m wearing blue!”
To test the parrot, the next day all of them wear white and the parrot shouts, “White! White! White!”
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 17
