The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

by Rudy A. Swale

  The three women are amazed.

  The final test is on the third day and just as they walk in the parrot yells, “Bald, curly and straight!”

  They never went there again!!

  Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?

  A. A navel.

  “Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

  “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

  “But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

  “Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.

  “Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

  “Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”

  A trucker had driven his fully-loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making love.

  He blew his horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way, he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

  Getting out of the truck, madder than hell, the trucker walked up to the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”

  The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”

  A man goes along to the Patent and Trademark Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle.”

  “OK,” says the clerk. “What do you call it?”

  “A fottle,” replies the inventor.

  “A fottle? That’s stupid! Can’t you think of something else?”

  “I can think about it. I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.”

  “And what do you call that?” asks the clerk.

  “A farton,” replies the inventor.

  “That’s obscene. You can’t possibly call it that!”

  “In that case,” says the inventor, “you’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”

  Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

  A. You can toss your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.

  Roger is a hard worker and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.

  One weekend his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

  The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey, Roger! How are you tonight?”

  His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.

  “No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”

  They are seated and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?”

  His wife’s eyes widen. “You must come here a lot!”

  “No, no,” says Roger, “I just know her from volleyball.”

  Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says, “Roger! A table dance as usual?”

  His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.

  Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it.

  At this, the cab driver leans over and says, “Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!”

  A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend’s birthday.

  As they had only just started dating, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal.

  Accompanied by the girlfriend’s younger sister, he went to Macy’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

  During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties.

  The guy sent the package to the girlfriend with the following note:

  I chose these because I noticed that you don’t wear any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to take off.

  These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly dirty. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really great.

  I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

  When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

  Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

  All my love.

  P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

  A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped.

  Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson wouldn’t pop up. But as she turned back, there standing next to her, was a salesman.

  With a pleasant smile he greeted her, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”

  Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”

  Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, “Madam, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.”

  A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in racehorses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

  However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third.

  The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, “Preacher’s ass shows.”

  The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, “Preacher’s ass out in front.” The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

  The newspaper printed this headline, “Bishop scratches preacher’s ass.” This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal.

  The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, “Nun has the best ass in town.”

  The Bishop fainted.

  He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.

  The paper states, “Nun peddles ass for ten bucks.”

  They buried the Bishop the next day.

  A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

  “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.”

  “You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this co
untry, we don’t talk about our sex lives in public.”

  “Hey, coola down, lady,” said the man. “Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”

  A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

  WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”

  HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”

  WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”

  HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”

  WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”

  HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”

  WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)

  HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

  WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”

  HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”

  WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”

  HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”

  WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”

  HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”

  WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”

  HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

  WIFE: “Would you give her my jewelry?”

  HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”

  WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”

  HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”

  WIFE: -- silence --

  HUSBAND : “Shit.”

  This lady goes to a vet and learns that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog’s penis he’ll roll over and stop snoring.

  The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog’s penis. His snoring stops.

  Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s penis, and he stops snoring.

  The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog, then looks down at himself.

  “I don’t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second.”

  Guts: Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

  Q. Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?

  A. Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

  Her diary:

  Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him and he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and, to my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

  His diary:

  Today the Giants lost. At least I got laid.

  Having balls: Coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer and lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass, and having the balls to say, “You’re next.”

  Once upon a time there was a woman who was about to have triplets.

  In her womb the babies were talking to each other.

  The first baby said, “I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here.”

  The second baby said, “I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here.”

  And the last baby said, “I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here I’m going to cut off its head.”

  A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist gets the syringe ready to administer the anesthetic.

  “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient says.

  The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

  “I can’t do the gas thing—the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

  The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

  “No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”

  The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.”

  The patient says, “Wow—I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill!”

  “It doesn’t,” says the dentist, “but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”

  Q. What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?

  A. Married.

  Little Johnny watched his science teacher start an experiment with worms.

  Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

  The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

  The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

  The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

  The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

  After one day, these were the results:

  The first worm in alcohol—dead.

  The second worm in cigarette smoke—dead.

  The third worm in sperm—dead.

  The fourth worm in soil—alive.

  So the science teacher asked the class, “What can you learn from this experiment?”

  Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t have worms.”

  For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” Here’s an update for you:

  Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

  Why?

  Because they realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

  A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

  Dad says, “Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.

  So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said.

  Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has dirtied his diaper, so the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.

  Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

  The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

  The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

  The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit.”

  A chicken farmer goes to a local bar, sits next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

  The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

  “What a coincid
ence,” he says. “This is a special day for me. I’m celebrating.”

  “This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!” says the woman.

  “What a coincidence,” says the man. As they clink glasses he asks, “What are you celebrating?”

  “My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

  “What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.”

  “That’s great!” says the woman. “How did your chickens become fertile?”

  “I switched cocks,” he replies.

  She smiles and says, “What a coincidence!”

  An elderly gentleman went to the local drugstore and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.

  The pharmacist asked, “How many?”

  The man replied, “Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.”

  The pharmacist said, “That’s too small a dose. That won’t get you through sex.”

  The old fellow said, “Oh, I’m past eighty years old and I don’t even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my new golf shoes.”

  A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”

  The father asked, “Why did you say goodbye grandpa?”

  The little girl said, “I don’t know, daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

  The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.”