The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes
Page 20
The doctor says, “Calm down. All you have to do is suck the poison out.”
So the friend goes back to the campsite where his friend is lying on the ground.
He asks, “So what did the doctor say?”
The friend says, “The doctor says you’re going to die!”
A newlywed couple arrived back from their honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
“Care to go to bed?” the husband asked.
“Shh!” said his blushing bride. “These walls are paper thin. The neighbors will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code—like, ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’—instead.”
So, the following night, the husband asks, “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?”
“No,” she snapped back, “I definitely shut it.” Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said, “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all.”
“Don’t worry,” said the man. “It was only a small load so I did it by hand.”
A hunter is stalking in the jungle when he finds a sexy woman naked on a blanket.
He stares at her intently then says, “Are you game?”
“I sure am,” she purrs.
So he shoots her.
If you’re in a long term relationship, try the following to spice up your sex life: Get your lover, blindfold them, get some ropes and chains and tie them very tightly to the bed. Then go and have sex with someone else.
A navy chief and an admiral are sitting in the barbershop.
They have both just finished shaving, and the barber reaches for some aftershave.
“Hey! Don’t put that stuff on me!” the admiral shouts. “My wife will think I’ve been in a brothel!”
The chief turns to his barber and says, “Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.”
A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: “Hi! I am so happy to see you.”
Girl: “Hi! It looks like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
Man: “It’s been 10 years!”
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: “Thank you so much!”
Girl: “So tell me, how long has it been since you had a drink?”
Man: “It’s been 10 years!”
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: “Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!”
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?”
Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!”
A young girl says to her boyfriend, “You’re the first man I’ve ever been with. Am I your first?”
“Possibly,” the boyfriend says. “Were you in Las Vegas in 2003?”
Q: What do you call a Norwegian prostitute?
A: A Fjord Escort.
A 16-year-old boy comes home and tells his father, “Dad, I had my first blow job today.”
Dad is delighted. He thinks his son is going to be a world- class Casanova. “How did it feel?” asks Dad.
“Not too bad,” replies the son, “but my jaw aches like hell, and it leaves a strange taste in your mouth.”
Terry was talking to his friend at the bar, and said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday—she has everything—and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”
His friend said, “I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it? She’ll probably be thrilled.”
Terry decided to take his friend’s advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” Terry replied.
“Did she like it?”
“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling, ‘I’ll be back in an hour!!’”
A man and a woman are having dinner in a restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order a few tables away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight. Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice.
Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”
“No, he didn’t,” the woman calmly replies. “He just walked in the door.”
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day, he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Lisa asked if there was anything wrong.
“Yes, Nurse Lisa,” said Mr. Goldstein. “My private parts died today and I am very sad.”
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Goldstein. Please accept my condolences.”
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private parts hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Lisa.
“Mr. Goldstein,” she said, “you shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private parts back inside your pajamas.”
“But, Nurse Lisa,” replied Mr. Goldstein, “I told you yesterday that my private parts died.”
“Yes, you did tell me that, but why are they hanging out of your pajamas?” asked Nurse Lisa.
“Well,” he replied. “Today’s the viewing.”
Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking down the street. Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings. Robbie pulls down her panties and takes her from behind!
He turns to Elton and says, “Your turn,” but Elton starts crying. “What’s wrong?” asks Robbie.
Elton sobs and says, “My head won’t fit in the railings!”
An enraged woman says to her cheating boyfriend, “You just think with your penis.”
“No, I don’t,” the boyfriend replies, “it does all the thinking for me.”
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and she’s sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is about four months pregnant.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be. She has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No, mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, Doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on Earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs!”
“What’s he like?” the cop inquires.
“Beer and loose women…”
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They have sex for hours, and afterward while they’re just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation (she is speaking in a cheery voice).
“Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”
The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, “Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”
The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, “Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I’ve ever seen and the more he talked, the dumber he got!”
There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk she began to undress for the day’s work.
He told her not to bother because he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home—he only wanted some hot tea and then bed.
The model said, “Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It’s the least I can do.” He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup, too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
“Oh my God!” he whispered loudly. “It’s my wife. Quick, take all your clothes off.”
Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
A woman answers the door to a market researcher. “Good morning, madam, I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?”
“Oh yes, all the time. It’s very good for cuts, scrapes and burns.”
“Do you use it for anything else?”
“Like what?”
“Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex.”
“Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!”
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the bull auction. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off. “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, “See! That’s more than five times a month!”
The second bull is to be sold. “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”
Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s about 10 times a month. What do you say to that?” Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale. “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about you?”
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, “Sure, once a day! Great! But you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!”
A man gets sent to prison and, as soon as he walks in, his huge, buff cellmate says to him, “We’re going to play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?”
After thinking about it for a minute the man slowly answers, “Well, if I have to choose, I guess I’ll be the daddy.”
“OK,” his cellmate says, “then get over here and suck mommy’s dick.”
After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. “Doctor,” he said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “We’re pure Asian.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”
The man seemed ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month.”
“There you have it!” the doctor said confidently. “It’s just rust.”
A man has to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decides to bring his wife. When they arrive at their hotel and are shown to their room, the man says, “You rest here while I register—I’ll be back within an hour.”
The wife lies down on the bed, and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard that she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. “Look, lie here on the bed—you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”
So he lies down next to the wife. Just then, the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here?”
The manager replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”
Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a lieutenant and his wife were invited to the colonel’s home for an evening of bridge. The lieutenant was partnered with the colonel’s wife and vice versa.
After many hands, the lieutenant excused himself to use the bathroom, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize.
The colonel’s wife smiled demurely, “Don’t worry about it—this is the first time all evening that I’ve been able to tell what he has in his hand.”
This guy in a bar noticed a woman, always alone, who came in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No, thank you,” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But it has my husband pretty upset.”
A man decides to start a farm. So he walks into town to buy some animals. At the farmers’ market he first asks for a rooster.
“We don’t call them roosters here,” the clerk says snootily. “We call ’em cocks.”
So the man buys one cock, then points at another animal and asks, “What do you call that?”
The clerk replies, “That’s a pullet.”
The man agrees to buy one.
Finally, he asks for a donkey.
The clerk replies, “We don’t call them donkeys, we call ’em asses, but we only have one left and it’s very temperamental.”
“What’s wrong with it?” asks the man, who is determined to get a donkey.
“Once in a while it will stop walking and it won’t bu
dge unless you scratch it behind the ears,” says the clerk.
The man decides to buy it anyway, and pays for all the animals before starting his walk home.
On the way, the donkey suddenly stops and doesn’t move.
But the man has his arms full with the rooster and pullet, so has to stop a woman who is passing by to ask for help.
“Pardon me,” he asks politely, “would you mind holding my cock and pullet, while I scratch my ass?”
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
Hanging wallpaper is much like making love to a beautiful woman.
Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
A husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, “Hey, snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn’t quite ready for bye-byes yet.”