The wife takes the hint and says, “OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.” So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone, “Oh, my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?”
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterward, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts, “Clumsy bitch.”
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure the man’s dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, “Stop, stop! You’re not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?”
“Nope,” replied the construction worker. “You are—I’m going to set the garage on fire.”
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
A man with a bad stomach ache goes to the doctor where he is told the illness is quite serious but can be cured by a small dose of two suppositories inserted deep up his anal passage.
The doctor then tells the man to bend over while he shoves the first one all the way up. The doc then tells the man to repeat in six hours time.
At home six hours later, he can’t do it himself so asks his wife to help. After telling her what to do, she nods and puts one hand on his shoulder and shoves really hard. The man screams in disgust.
“What’s the matter?” asks the wife. “Did I hurt you?”
“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that he had both hands on my shoulders.”
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently, she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $49.99.”
One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local pharmacy and, while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year-old son.
It was a bag of gold coins (gold foil-covered chocolate candy coins). There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a gold coin condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the pharmacist, “What’s this?”
The woman, looking very serious, said, “That’s a condom, son.”
To which my son replied, “My daddy bought me some of these yesterday!”
With a disgusted look on her face, the pharmacist replied, “Those are NOT for children, young man.”
And finally, my son replied, “Then I’ll buy this one for my daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!”
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like copy machines: You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
Men are like high heels: They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like miniskirts: If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.
Men are like bananas: The older they get, the less firm they are.
A tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
“Please, you have to come right over,” pleaded the distraught young mother, “my child has swallowed a contraceptive.”
The doctor dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
“You don’t have to come over after all,” the woman said with a sigh of relief. “My husband just found another one.”
There are four kinds of sex:
HOUSE SEX—When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX—After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX—After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say, “FUCK YOU.”
COURTROOM SEX—When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly beautiful she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window.
He tells her to take off her pants. She does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor.
“Yes, checking for abnormalities,” she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra. She takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, getting HIV—that’s why I am here!”
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a campfire one night. The dog says, “My life sucks—my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!”
The cat says, “I don’t think so—my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter.”
The penis, outraged, says, “At least your master doesn’t put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!”
A man and a woman start to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”
The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
A couple just got married, and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
The husband, being shocked, replies, “How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before.”
The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was... Oh, do I miss him!”
John has just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask for a show of hands as to how often the attendees have sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who have sex almost every night. A modest number of hands are raised. He then asks, how many have sex once a week. This time a larger number of hands are raised. John then asks how many have sex once or twice a month. Again a few hands are raised. After John polls his group several more times, he notices one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John notices that the guy has never raised his hand, so he asks him how often he has sex. The guy says, “Once a year!”
John responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, “Tonight’s the night!”
Three guys go to a ski lodge, but there aren’t enough rooms so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the
right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and, unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamt I was skiing!”
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”
The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”
Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough water, it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, “Do farts have lumps?”
The teacher looks at him and says, “No, but that isn’t really a question you want to ask in class discussion.”
So the student replies, “Then I’ve definitely shit in my pants.”
Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
A man decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35,” is the reply.
“I’m actually 47,” the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald’s for lunch and asks the cashier the same question, to which the reply is, “I’d guess that you’re 29?”
“No, I am actually 47.” He’s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”
Stunned the man says, “That was great! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
Q. Why is being in the military like a blow job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
A woman and her little boy are walking through Central Park and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, “Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?”
The lady responds, “They’re making a sandwich.” Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replies that they are making a sandwich.
A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and says, “Mommy, daddy, you must be making a sandwich because mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!”
Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, “Your thing doesn’t have any skin on it!”
“I’ve been circumcised,” the other replies.
“What’s that mean?”
“It means they cut the skin off the end.”
“How old were you when it was cut off?”
“My mom said I was two days old.”
“Did it hurt?” the kid asked inquiringly.
“You bet it hurt—I didn’t walk for a year!”
A guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friend’s instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says OK and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he crashes the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replies that she can’t because she doesn’t have any clothes on.
He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your crotch with it, and go for help!”
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, “Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?”
The clerk replies, “I’m sorry, I think he’s too far in.”
A woman is in the delivery room giving birth. The doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby’s head pops out. The doctor says, “Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes.”
To which she replies, “Yeah, I heard those Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.”
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby’s body comes out. “Holy shit, your baby has a white body,” the doctor says.
“Yeah, I heard those white men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try,” she says.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push one more time and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. “Holy shit! Your baby has black legs,” the doctor says.
“Yeah, I heard those black men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try,” she says.
So the doctor shrugs it off once more, ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass so it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, “How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, a white body, and black legs?”
The woman replies, “I’m just glad it didn’t bark!”
Bill Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says, “Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity.”
They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says, “Oh no! Not for me!”
They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blow job. Bill thinks and decides, “Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it.”
The Devil then says, “Good. Hey, Monica, you’ve been replaced.”
This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks, “Granny, can you show me a magic trick?”
“No, dear, but I think your grandfather knows one.”
So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks, “Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks. Could you show me one?”
The grandfather looks at her, “Sure, just hop on my lap!” So the little girl jumps on his lap. “Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?” asks the grandpa.
“Yeah,” replies the girl.
“Well, look, no hands!”
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things, daddy?”
His dad said, “Condoms, son.”
The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1, 3, and 12?”
The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys on Saturday night; the ones with three are for the college boys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, for January, February, March...”
The seven most important men in a woman’s life: 1. The Doctor, who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”
2. The Dentist, who tells her to “open wide.”
3. The Milkman, who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”
4. The Hairdresser, who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”
5. The Interior Designer, who assures her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”
6. The Banker, who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”
7. The Primal Hunter, who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots t
wice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her to, “Keep quiet and lie still!”
Two gay male lovers are talking, and Bob says to Jon, “I wish I had chest hair like you.”
So the next day Bob goes to the doctor and asks for something to grow chest hair. The doctor gives him something and he says, “It will work in about two months.”
Two months later Bob still has no hair on his chest and back to the doctor he goes.
The Doctor says, “Rub some Vaseline on your chest, and in a week you will be growing hair.”
Jon comes home that day and sees Bob rubbing Vaseline, and asks, “Why?”
Bob says, “To grow chest hair.”
Jon says, “If Vaseline made your hair grow, you would have a ponytail coming out of your ass!”
A man is driving out in the middle of the country, very lost. Finally, he spots two farmhouses. He goes up to the first house and looks in the doorway. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says, “What’s up with your neighbors?”
And the owner of the house says, “Oh, that’s the Robinson’s—they’re both deaf. She’s telling him to go milk the cow and he’s telling her to go fuck herself!”
One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home, there she was spread-eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. “Come over here, baby,” she said, smiling.
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 21
