The boyfriend backed off, “If your pussy can do that to your panties, I’m not going anywhere near it!”
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arrange that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocks the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins there are handfuls of five-and ten-dollar bills. He asks his wife, “What’s up with all the bills?”
To which his wife replies, “Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.”
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, “What the hell are you two doing?”
His wife turns to the stranger and says, “I told you he was stupid.”
Q. What doesn’t belong in this list: meat, eggs, wife, blow job?
A. Blow job: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blow job.
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he saw a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stopped and approached the guy. “What’s going on here?” he asked.
The guy sobbed, “I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up.”
The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. “I guess this isn’t your lucky day, pal!”
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” the doctor says.
“What’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
“The bad news is that, unfortunately, you’ve only got three months to live.”
The patient is taken back, “What’s the good news then, Doctor?”
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, “You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?”
The patient nods his head and the doctor replies, “I’m fucking her.”
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, “You want to play ‘Magic?’”
She says, “What’s that?”
He says, “We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear.”
A woman, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the examination, she shyly said, “My husband wants me to ask you...”
To which the doctor replies, “I know...I know...” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it,” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells, “Super pussy!”
The old man says, “I’ll have the soup.”
Three people—two men and one woman—and their dogs are in the vet’s waiting room. The first man’s dog asks the second man’s dog what he’s there for.
“They are putting me down.”
“Oh no,” says the first dog, “why?”
The second dog says, “Well, you see... I’ve been chasing the postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I’m going to be put to sleep.”
The second dog says, “Well, my master just completely remodelled the inside of his house. I didn’t like it because my scent wasn’t anywhere anymore. So, when he went to bed last night I pissed on everything I could find to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.”
The third dog says, “This is my master’s new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time with no clothes on. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, she bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I jumped on her and gave it to her good!”
The other dogs say, “So that’s why they are putting you to sleep?”
“No,” says the dog, “she is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!”
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed, either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.
“What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.”
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming, “Fujifoo, Fujifoo!!!” which the guy took to be pleasurable. The next day he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said, “Fujifoo.”
The Japanese clients looked confused and said, “No, you got the right hole.”
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: “What are you doing here today?”
Woman: “Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for it.”
Man: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m hereto donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.”
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?”
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh-unh.”
A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door and it is opened by a little boy.
The man asks the boy, “Where is your mother?”
The boy states, “She’s in the backyard, screwing the goat.”
The man exclaims, “Son, it’s not nice to make up stories like that!”
The boy says, “Come on in and I’ll show you.”
So the taxman follows the little boy to the back of the house and looks out the window into the backyard. There, he sees a woman screwing a goat.
Disgusted, he turns to the boy and says, “That is gross! Doesn’t it bother you?”
The little boy answers, “Naaaaaaaaah!”
An old man went into confession and told the priest, “Father, I’m 81 and married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice.”
“I see,” said the priest. “When was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never, Father,” replied the old man. “I’m Jewish.”
“So why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
Q. What has lots of balls and fucks rabbits?
A. A 12-gauge shotgun.
A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop-dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his cock out and places it on the counter. “What are you doing, sir?” she asks. “This is a clock shop!!”
He replies, “I know it is, and I would like two hands and a face put on this!”
A guy can’t get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis have broken down and there’s nothing he can do unless he’s willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant’s trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy thinks that sounds pretty scary, but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so he tells the doctor to go ahead.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about six weeks later gives him the go-ahead to “try out his new equipment.” The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his
pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.
She says, “That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?”
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, “Probably, but I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: “Returned unopened.”
Q. Have you heard about the new uper-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
Q. Why don’t Ken and Barbie have any kids?
A. Ken comes in a different box.
A teenager is walking down a street in Soho, New York, and a girl whispers to him, “Blow job, five dollars.” He gives her a strange look and keeps walking.
Soon, another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returns home is, “Mom, what’s a blow job?”
His mom replies, “Five dollars, just like Soho!
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man’s leg. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.
The blind man replied, “Oh, I’m not rewarding him—I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his fucking ass.”
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren’t too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife’s bedroom door.
KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!
Husband: “Guess who?”
Wife: “I know who it is!”
Husband: “Guess what I want?”
Wife: “I know what you want!”
Husband: “Guess what I’m knocking with?”
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a gourmet dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a blow job?”
“Yuck!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?” She nods. “Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”
A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, “Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife’s breasts.”
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, “Excellent!”
Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The golf pro says, “Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband’s dick.” She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
“Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth to hit the ball.”
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar they’re dazzled by two women and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he’s unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first whispers back, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed!”
A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him that to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect it said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy.
They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy asked her husband to get them a drink, so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also had a Wy on his penis.
He said, “Oh, you must have a wife named Wendy, too.”
And the waiter said, “No, my tattoo says ‘Welcome to Jamaica, man, have a nice day!!!’”
A woman walked into a very busy butcher’s shop. Looking at the meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken. She picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it.
Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, “Madam, could you pass such a test?”
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: When your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?”
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, “Death or Booka?!”
Well, the explorer doesn’t want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief then rips the explorer’s pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, “Death or Booka?!”
Well, not wanting to die either, he also opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second man’s pants off and fucks him
in the ass.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, “Death or Booka?!”
Well, the third guy has a little more self-respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death.
The chief turns to the whole tribe and screams, “DEATH BY BOOKA!”
Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a trash can?
A. You only have to take out a trash can once a week.
This lady goes to the gynecologist but won’t tell the receptionist what’s wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting, the doctor sees her in. “OK, my good woman, what is your problem?” the doctor asks.
“Well,” she says, “my husband is a very compulsive gambler, and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina, but now I can’t get it out.”
The doctor says, “Don’t be nervous, I see this happen all the time.” He asks her to pull down her underwear, sits her down with her legs wide open puts his gloves on and says, “I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?”
The latest supermarket parking lot scam is becoming widespread and I suggest that everyone takes great care. The scam goes like this:
Two good-looking women in their late teens or early 20s approach you as you are about to drive out of the parking lot. One starts wiping your windscreen with a wet towel while the other—who seems to be wearing the lowest-cut T-shirt imaginable—comes to your window, leans down and says “Hello.” Male instinct being what it is, one tends to get a little distracted.
When you thank them and offer them a tip for the windshield washing, they say “No” and ask instead for a lift to the nearest train station. They both get into the back of your car and, within a few minutes, they’re having sex with each other right there on the back seat. One of the girls (in my case it was the blonde with the low-cut T-shirt and very substantial breasts) then jumps into the front seat and insists on giving you oral sex. But while this is going on, the other girl—still in the back seat—steals your wallet.
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 22
