The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

by Rudy A. Swale

  A huge guy marries a tiny girl and, at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, “How the hell do the two of you have sex?”

  The big guy says, “I just sit there, naked, on a chair. She sits on top and I bob her up and down.”

  His friend says, “You know, that doesn’t sound too bad.”

  The big guy says, “Well, it’s kind of like jerking off, only I’ve got somebody to talk to.”

  Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Mickey furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, young man?!” she exclaimed.

  “Don’t try to stop me!” Mickey warned. “I’m going to do this three times a day, because there’s no way I’m going to get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister’s.”

  One night two aliens landed their spaceship next to a gas station. There was a smart alien and a hooligan alien. They both went up to the gas pump and the hooligan alien looked at the pump and said, “Take me to your leader!”

  Of course the gas pump said nothing. The smart alien said, “I don’t think that is a good idea.”

  The hooligan alien looked at the pump again and demanded to be taken to the leader.

  The smart alien said, “Really, that’s not a good idea.”

  Losing his patience, the hooligan alien pulled his death ray and blew the gas station to pieces. Burnt and bruised, the hooligan alien looked at the smart alien and asked, “How did you know that wasn’t a good idea?”

  The smart alien replied, “Anybody who can throw their dick over their shoulder has got to be a bastard!!!”

  Matt’s dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be announced that day, he asked his son if he got a part.

  Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. “I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”

  “That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”

  A poor guy went to the hospital for a circumcision but, because of some mix up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

  “Shit!” he moaned. “This means I’ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!”

  “Of course you will,” one of the doctors soothed. “It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all.”

  Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling very uncomfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked.

  “Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?” she yelled.

  “Don’t you want to get pregnant?” asked the doctor.

  “Well, yes, but…” stammered the woman.

  “Well, lie back and spread ’em,” replied the doctor. “Were out of the bottled stuff, so you’ll just have to settle for what’s on tap.”

  Q. What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?

  A. “How come?”

  A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals who were hitchhiking. They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled back onto the road. A few minutes later, the first gay guy said, “Excuse me, but I have to fart.” He held his breath, and the truck driver heard a low Hsssssss.

  A few miles down the road, the second gay guy announced, “Excuse me, but I have to fart.”

  The announcement was followed by another low Hsssssss.

  “Jesus fucking Christ!” the driver exclaimed. “You queers can’t even fart like men. Listen to this.” A moment later he emitted a deafening, staccato machine-gun burst from his ass.

  “Ohhh!” one gay exclaimed, turning to the other. “You know what we have here, Bruce? A real virgin!”

  Two brothers enlisting in the army were having their medical exams. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

  “How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.

  “It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.

  “I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”

  “No sir,” said the younger brother, “our mother.”

  “Your mother?” the doctor asked. “You idiot, women don’t have penises!”

  “I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bath, she had to manage as best as she could.”

  A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. “My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we’re constantly surrounded by attractive young native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?”

  So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “Why don’t you learn to play this?”

  Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling,” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!”

  She kissed him and said, “First, let’s see you play that harmonica.”

  A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

  A patient awoke after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

  “Why are all the blinds closed?” she asked her doctor.

  “Well,” the surgeon responded, “they’re fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to wake up and think the operation had failed.”

  Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm way out in the sticks. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill’s porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull fucking one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to seduce Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.”

  “Well then, why don’t you?” Mabel whispered back. “It is YOUR cow.”

  A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

  The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”

  She immediately replies, “The redhead in the middle.”

  Stunned, the young man says, “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”

  “I don’t like her,” she says.

  Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

  A. Ask your Mom.

  A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: “Homosexua
ls & Hemorrhoids.” The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: “Queers & Rears.” The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. So the doctor came up with an acceptable sign: “Odds & Ends.”

  A very elderly couple went to a see a sex therapist. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

  The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

  The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50.

  This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.

  Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

  The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married so we can’t go to her house. I’m married so we can’t go to my house, either. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my medical insurance.”

  There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously, there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

  He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and got on it again.

  Finally, after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken-down car with three big-chested, beautiful blondes sitting in it.

  He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

  The hottest girl said, “If you fix our car we will do anything you want.”

  The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.

  When he finished the three girls asked, “How could we ever repay you, mister?”

  After thinking for a short while he replied, “Could you hold my camel?”

  A teacher asks her class, “If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

  She calls on Little Johnny to answer. He replies, “There are none left—they all fly away with the first gun shot.”

  The teacher replies, “The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking.”

  Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

  The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

  To which Little Johnny replies, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”

  A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

  The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted:

  “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”

  The man did as he was instructed just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

  “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

  “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

  “Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?”

  A little old lady entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Y-young man, d-do y-you sell dildos h-here?”

  The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady in his shop, answered, “Uh, yes, ma’am. We do.”

  The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart, asked, “D-do y-you ha-have any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?”

  “Well, yes, ma’am, we do. We have several that size.”

  Forming a 5-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, “A-are annny of th-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?”

  “Well, yes, a few of them are about that big.”

  “D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?”

  “Yes, ma’am, one of them does.”

  “W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?”

  A guy goes to the post office to interview for a job.

  The interviewer asks him, “Are you a veteran?”

  The guy says, “Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.”

  “Good,” says the interviewer. “That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?”

  The guy says, “In fact, I am 100% disabled. During a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled. It doesn’t affect my ability to work though.”

  “Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you. I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we’ll get you started.”

  The guy says, “If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?”

  “Well, here at the post office, we don’t do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don’t need you here for that!”

  Q. What’s red and blue with a long string?

  A. A smurfette with her period.

  Ten-year-old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away, Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

  Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”

  Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”

  He says, “I want to play Mommy and Daddy.”

  Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”

  Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

  His mother raises her head and says, “What do I do now?”

  In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

  According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That’s pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal women were.

  Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

  Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.”

  After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last chance. When th
ey arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

  “What seems to be the problem?”

  Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 100 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After five, then 10, then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

  The wife sat there—speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband,

  “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”

  The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

  Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

  A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

  Batman arranges a party and invites all the fashionable superheroes. He is particularly good friends with Superman, who, as the party reaches its peak, hasn’t turned up. The night goes on and Superman turns up as the last of the guests are leaving.

  “So what happened, Superman?” asks Batman, upset that his closest acquaintance has missed the party.

  “I was on my way,” starts Superman in a fluster, “when I saw Wonderwoman lying naked in her backyard with her legs wide apart. I’ve always liked her and guessed that she was expecting me. I dived down as fast as I could from 30,000 feet to give her a good fuck there and then.”

  “I bet she was surprised,” says Batman.

  “Not half as surprised as the Invisible Man,” replies Superman.

  An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. “I’m 90 years old,” he says.