The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes
Page 35
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way; I don’t even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.”
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked another man how to get a date.
The man said, “It’s simple. I just say I’m a lawyer.”
So the loser went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh, you’re a lawyer?”
He said, “Why, yes I am!”
So they went to his place and when they were in bed screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for an hour, and I’m already screwing someone!”
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, “Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field.”
A little while later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. “What’s wrong?” the father asked. “I told you to be quiet.”
The boy answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t swear or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my trouser leg and one of them said, ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’ well, I guess I just panicked.”
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report—he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.
The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”
The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”
Q. What’s the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
The judge says, “Please tell me why you’re seeking a divorce.”
John says, “Because I live in a two-story house.”
The judge says, “What kind of a reason is that? What’s the matter with a two-story house?”
John says, “I’ll tell you what the matter is. One story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month.’”
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you were going to find out anyway. Your mom and I first got together in an internet chat room. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, a little Pop-up window appeared nine months later that said, ‘You got Male.’”
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a BMW convertible.”
The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”
The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.”
The teacher said, “Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?”
“Because my mom has two bags of the stuff, and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”
A little boy and his dad are walking down the street when they see two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?”
The father says, “Making a puppy.”
So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?”
The father replies, “Making a baby.”
The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I’d rather have a puppy instead!”
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, Your Honor, I persuaded seventeen people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles and told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge.
“And you, how did you do?” he asked the second boy.
“Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?”
“Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles and I said, pointing to the small circle, ‘this is your asshole before prison.’”
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” explains the manager.
“No matter what facilities you have,” the man replies, “we didn’t use them!”
The manager is unmoved. Eventually, the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. “But, sir,” the manager says, “this check is only made out for $100.”
“That’s right,” replies the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.”
“What! I didn’t sleep with you
r wife!” exclaims the manager.
“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which one to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra-large condoms.
He replies, “Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?”
She responds, “No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
Copyright © AAPPL Artists’ and Photographers’ Press Ltd 2008. Cartoons copyright © Stefan Nekuda (Niki) 2008.
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Published in the United States by
ULYSSES PRESS
P.O. Box 3440
Berkeley, CA 94703
www.ulyssespress.com
First published as 1000 JOKES You Never Could Tell Your Mother in
2006 in the U.K. by Facts, Figures & Fun, an imprint of AAPPL Artists’
and Photographers’ Press Ltd.
eISBN : 978-1-569-75945-5
Library of Congress Control Number: 2007907742
Distributed by Publishers Group West