Feels Like the First Time

by Marina Adair

  “I guess I just got scared,” she explained. “We started out as a joke to mess with Bridget, then it became so real so fast that I started to question where the fake ended and the real began. Then Bridget tells me you’re the reason she’s coming home and I let her get in my head.”

  “We started out as friends first. Friends. Who knew each other’s secrets and fears. I let you inside places I never like to visit. So no, Ali, as far as I was concerned, nothing between us was ever fake.” He sounded raw, betrayed.

  “I am so sorry I doubted that. That I doubted you,” she said, putting as much apology and regret in her words, even though she knew deep down that it wouldn’t erase the hurt.

  Hawk was honest and loyal and one of the best people she’d ever met. If she’d given him the respect and trust he deserved, the trust he’d earned with her over the years, they wouldn’t be here. And he wouldn’t feel so completely devastated—and betrayed.

  “You shouldn’t have doubted us.” He punctuated the word with a hand to his chest. “The old us or the new us. So what if I talked to Bridget? You should have seen that coming the second she realized she was unhappy. But I didn’t support her coming back because she asked me, I did it because having your family together is important to you. It makes you happy. And Jesus, Ali…” His lip quivered and he ran a hand down his face. “All I wanted was to make you happy. From day one. So I came down here to figure out how to do that, how to give you the family you deserve, and still keep you.”

  Giving a defeated shrug, Hawk turned to face the ocean. She could see his chest expand as he took in one jerky breath after another.

  His anguish cut Ali to her core. She’d been so busy trying not to get hurt, she’d hurt the most important person in her life. Placing one hand on her aching heart, she came up behind him and rested the other on his shoulder. “How could you ever think you’d lose me?”

  “I don’t know, Ali,” he said, his voice getting lost over the crash of the waves. “You didn’t want me coming to family dinners until your sister left, didn’t want me at the hospital because it might upset Bridget, who’d upset Marty. You’ve spent the past few years keeping me at a distance because of how it would affect everyone else.

  “Well, guess what? The big elephant you never want to talk about is moving home and she will be at every family event, every birthday and special moment, until she moves on to the next thing. But by then, this thing between us will be over, because it won’t work with you trying to live two lives.”

  “I’m not trying to live two lives,” she said, willing him to turn around. “I’m just trying to live this one right.”

  “I know, sunshine. It’s who you are,” he said, resting his hand over hers, as if he needed the contact to continue. “You know what I told Bridget?” He looked at her over his shoulder, his eyes empty and sad. So damn sad, she tightened her grip. “I told her that I love you, for that same reason. I guess I just hoped that I could be the guy that made your world whole, not the one who tore it apart.”

  “But you don’t,” she said fiercely. “You make my world light and fun, and you make me feel alive. I was just so scared that deep down I couldn’t ever be what you really wanted.”

  Hawk made a sound as if his body had released everything it had to give, and she felt his shoulders sag, and disappointment roll off him in waves.

  “Ali, for someone who knows what it feels like to have her love and her worth discounted, you sure know how to take a guy out at the knees.”

  It was in that moment that Ali knew she’d lost him forever, because instead of holding on, he gave her hand a final squeeze and let go.

  Ali stood there as he walked up the trail, refusing to blink even when he disappeared into the darkness. But when she heard his motorcycle start, she knew she was truly alone.

  She told herself to hold it together until she got back to her apartment, but her legs gave way on her first step and she crumbled to the ground. The rocks biting into her knees, the sand rubbing her hands raw. She dropped her head to her chest and let the tears fall.

  Hawk had put his heart in her hands and instead of holding tight—she’d crushed it. Right along with any hope of forever.

  Chapter 17

  Ali sat on the stern of the boat, her legs dangling over the side as she watched the morning tide slowly eat away at the sand.

  She rested her head against the railing and breathed in the brine of the sea air, hoping it would make breathing easier. It just burned her lungs.

  The sun had yet to peek through the morning fog, and a light mist covered the deck and seeped through her jeans. She didn’t care. She was too drained, too empty to move.

  She was supposed to swing by her dad’s house and pick up fresh clothes for his release, but Ali needed a moment to compose herself before she faced her family. So she’d come to the place she felt the most at peace.

  Chasing Destiny.

  That had been two hours ago. And instead of peaceful, all she felt was hollow. She ran a hand over the refinished teak railings and a sob welled up.

  “Thank you, Hawk,” she whispered, welcoming the fresh batch of tears that had bubbled up.

  It hurt to cry, but at this point she welcomed the pain. It felt better than the vast emptiness that had started in her chest when she’d watched her future walk out, and slowly eaten away at her until it had finally swallowed her whole.

  But as the tears burned her throat and poured down her face, she realized that no matter how long she sat there, staring out at the ocean, she was never going to be free from the emptiness.

  The tears would eventually dry up, and the crushing weight would eventually ease, but she was never going to experience love. Not the kind that had been possible with Hawk.

  Allowing herself one last tear, she wiped her cheeks on her sleeve, then stood. When the world didn’t feel as if it was going to spin her right off, Ali made her way toward the house to pack a bag for Marty.

  Her dad was excited about coming home, and she didn’t want him to be dressed in a hospital gown. But when she let herself in the back door, she found her mother at the kitchen table—holding a pair of her dad’s skivvies.

  “What are you doing?”

  Gail looked up, her hand pressed flat over the fly of a pair of dancing parrot boxers. “I’m folding Marty’s clean laundry. Sitting here waiting to hear about how he’s doing was driving me crazy.”

  “So you decided to do laundry?” she asked, and Gail shrugged. “You don’t even do your own laundry.”

  Gail glanced at the stacks of folded clothes. “Neither does your dad apparently. I went to find the sweatpants you texted Bridget about and the man didn’t have a clean pair in his drawers.”

  Ali counted at least five loads of clothes. “How long have you been here?”

  “I left last night when Bridget called me from the hospital. I figured you girls might need some help around here.”

  “Thanks, Mom. I’ve been so busy and…” Ali swallowed down the growing lump. “Just thanks.”

  “Well, it’s nice to know I’m needed,” Gail said, folding another pair of boxers. This one had honey badgers on it.

  “You’re needed,” Ali said, and she didn’t know why that made her throat go tight. She blamed it on the last few emotional days, but suddenly the grief was too much to contain. “I need you, Mom.”

  Gail looked up and dropped the boxers. “Oh, sugar, what’s wrong?”

  At the sound of her childhood nickname, Ali dropped to her knees on the kitchen floor and an ache so raw that it had a sound, pushed its way to the surface. It also had a taste and a feel. And a name.

  Despair.

  Before she could absorb the pain, another one rolled through her chest, and by the time the third one racked her body, her mom was there. Holding her on the floor and rocking her back and forth.

  “I’ve got you, sugar,” Gail said, pressing her mouth to Ali’s head and placing little kisses on her forehead. “I’ve got you.” />
  She knew her mother wouldn’t have her forever; that wasn’t in Gail’s nature. But right now, Gail was there, so Ali poured herself into her mom, and let it all burst free.

  Seconds, minutes, an hour? Ali had no idea how long they sat there, but when she opened her eyes, the sun was out and her head was in her mom’s lap. Gail was gently stroking her hair.

  Ali had forgotten that about her mom. How when Ali had a nightmare, Gail would sit on her bed and stroke Ali’s hair until she fell asleep. Sometimes she’d even be there in the morning, her arms around Ali, holding her tight.

  “Better?” Gail asked, her eyes full of concern.

  “I think so.” Ali went to sit up, then changed her mind. “Maybe another minute.”

  “Take as long as you need, that was some release there,” Gail said. “You had me worried.”

  “I had myself worried,” Ali admitted, finally feeling as if she could sit up and not fall over. But she didn’t go far, leaning against the wall next to her mom.

  “Why did you leave Dad?”

  Gail let out a deep breath. “There were a lot of reasons, but I guess the biggest one was that we stopped talking. There’s a seven-year gap between us, so I was married young, had you girls young, and we were so busy trying to keep our heads above water, we stopped working at it.”

  “Did you start doubting he loved you?” Ali asked.

  Gail laughed. “Sugar, with a man like Marty, one never has to guess at his feelings, the guy loves like every day is his last.” No wonder why Hawk and her dad were such good friends. “But the longer we were together, the more I realized just how different we were. We had different ideas on just about everything, and when it came to some things, neither of us would back down.”

  “Things like me and Bridget?” Ali asked. She’d been more than aware as a child that having kids had been the biggest strain on their marriage. Marty had wanted more, and Gail was struggling to keep up with two. Looking back, Ali realized her mother hadn’t been old enough to drink, but she’d had two babies in diapers.

  “Yeah, he was such a natural father that it felt at times as if he didn’t have room for a partner, or maybe he wanted another kind of partner.”

  Gail was never going to win Mother of the Year, but before the divorce, she’d been loving and attentive, and then it had suddenly stopped. “Then why didn’t you just ask him?”

  “I was afraid of what he’d say,” Gail said. “And fear is a powerful motivator.”

  It had ruled Ali’s life. Look at the mess she’d caused because she was too scared to believe that Hawk could really love her. If Ali was being honest, and that’s what this moment seemed to demand, besides her father, she’d allowed fear to taint every relationship in her life.

  It had kept her from making bonds, taking chances, and finding happiness. It had kept her from her family. From finding love.

  And that needed to stop.

  “Why did you take Bridget and leave me?”

  Gail turned her head to look at Ali. “Oh, sugar, is that what you think?”

  Ali shrugged. “You divorced and then you just stopped coming around.”

  “It was hard seeing your dad, watching you grow up between rotating weekends and holidays. The older you got, the more roots you planted here, and the less frequent the visits. You’d always seem so sad when you came, and I never knew what to say to make it right. Until it was easier not to say anything.”

  All this time, Ali thought her mother hadn’t been interested in building their relationship. Didn’t have room in her life for a daughter who was so different. The truth was, Ali hadn’t made an effort either. She could have found a common ground if she’d really wanted to. Looking back at all the wasted time, she wished she had.

  “I was a handful on those trips.”

  Gail looked crestfallen. “No, that’s on me, not you. Your dad and I fought and fought over custody, and I knew he wasn’t going to let you go. Rather than lose both of my girls, I gave in. But as you grew up and I saw the strong woman you were becoming, I knew that he’d been right. Marty’s love is freeing; mine can be controlling. The way he was with you was something beautiful to watch. You needed him. So much…I couldn’t take that from you.”

  Wasn’t that exactly what Hawk had said? That she was so fixated on the love she’d lost, she was discounting the love that was right there in front of her. Marty had loved Ali for exactly who she was in every moment. Encouraged her to be bold, be herself. So tangible and pure, Ali never had to question its authenticity.

  Her heart sank, because that was exactly what she’d done to Hawk. Questioned his love. By focusing on the small stuff, she missed what was really important. Hawk may have never said the word, but his love was always right there, whenever she needed it. Given freely, without expectations or obligations.

  Gail tucked a piece of hair behind Ali’s ear; it was a motherly gesture that soothed her core. Ali rested her head on her mom’s shoulder and watched the sun dance off the kitchen floor. “I’m glad you’re here, Mom.”

  “I was going to wait until you called to say you needed me,” Gail said. “Then feared you’d never call. So I decided to come over just in case you did.”

  “I know I’m not the best at asking for help, but I needed you here.”

  “I love to be needed, especially by my daughters.” Gail pressed a kiss to the top of Ali’s head. “With Bridget, I never have to guess. That girl calls me to help her pick out her shoes. But with you, I never know. You’re so independent and sure all the time…” Gail took a deep breath. “I want to know what the right move is with you, but I hardly ever get it right.”

  Ali wasn’t trying to hold people at a distance; she just didn’t want them to feel obligated to come to her side. If they were there, she wanted it to be because they wanted to be. But maybe her mother needed the same assurances.

  Ali tilted her head up and met her mom’s uncertain gaze. “How about you just ask me?”

  “As long as you promise to do the same.” Gail smiled. “Now, you want to talk about what all of that was a minute ago?”

  “I think we already did.”

  Gail chuckled. “You always knew your own mind. It’s that unshakable oomph of yours that drives.”

  “You hate my oomph.”

  “I love your oomph,” Gail rested her cheek on Ali’s head. “You get that from your mom.”

  Ali wrapped an arm around her mother’s middle and closed her eyes. She let the feeling of being held sink into her soul and warm her, from the inside out. Calm her fears.

  Ever so slowly, that peace she’d been searching for came closer until it was right there. Within reach. All she had to do was grab on.

  Call it clarity, oomph, or just knowing what she wanted, but this time Ali wasn’t letting go. She could only hope that Hawk still felt the same.

  * * *

  “No. The last time I let you talk me into hosting a private event, I ended up in a monkey suit at my ex-wife’s engagement party,” Hawk said.

  “From what I heard about the smooching on the roof, you should be thanking me,” Luke said, then grimaced.

  “Fuck you,” Hawk said.

  “I’m kind of seeing someone,” Luke said, resting his elbows on the bar top, taking way too much joy in Hawk’s current situation. “Plus, pussies who run home to cuddle their stick don’t really do it for me.”

  “I didn’t run.” He’d ridden his bike, like a grown-ass man.

  That had been three days ago, and he hadn’t seen Ali since. He glanced out the bar window and looked up. Her place was still empty.

  He’d heard that Marty had been released, and assumed Ali was spending her days taking care of him, but Hawk had thought she’d at least come back to grab some clothes. Or the chocolate pie in the fridge. She’d never let that go to waste.

  Maybe she had, and she’d purposely waited until she knew he’d be sleeping or gone. He wouldn’t blame her. She’d come to him like she had a thousand times
before, a friend with a concern.

  Only he’d reacted like some insecure ass.

  “Lucky for us, this group specifically requested you bring your stick,” Luke said, sliding over the schedule for the day. “They want to tour the orchard at Bay View as a possible location for a retreat. If it looks like a fit, they’d spend the day at the orchard, picking apples or some shit, then have a cider tasting back here at the Penalty Box. So bring the charm; this could be great for us.”

  Hawk slid the papers back across the table. He was all tapped out in the charm department. Actually he was tapped out in the giving-a-shit department as well. And spending his day talking hockey and war stories with a bunch of suits sounded as exciting as shattering his other shoulder. “If this is so great, you do it.”

  “Sorry, bro, no can do. Covering your ass the last few nights at the bar means I have been neglecting my duties at home. So while you handle this little meet and greet, I’ll be handling my fiancée.”

  “I know and I appreciate it.”

  More than he could ever explain. After that night on the bluff, Hawk needed time to work through what had happened. When a bottle of whiskey and pounding sand hadn’t helped, he’d ended up at the Bay View house, expressing his feeling demolition style.

  With everything spinning out of control, he needed something to focus on. Something that wouldn’t break when he touched it. Something he could fix.

  “Unless you have other plans.” The look Luke gave him was one of pure challenge.

  Hawk put the empty keg to the side. “There were a few things I wanted to finish up at Bay View, but they can wait.”

  “I was talking about Ali.”

  A topic Hawk was trying to avoid, with no luck. Another reason Bay View held such appeal. Talking about Ali led to thinking about Ali—and that shattered fucking look on her face.

  He’d done that. He’d hurt her. Big-time. She’d finally opened herself up to the possibility of love, and instead of embracing her courage, he’d told her it wasn’t enough.

  She wasn’t enough. Sure, she’d delivered a similar blow. But over the years he’d given her enough reason to allow for doubt.