I shake my head. I didn’t come here to get Jad Tierney to understand anything about me or my life. I push my chair in and look over at Claudia. “Let's go.”
Claudia stands and goes to grab our coats.
“Shep, please don't leave,” May says.
“I'm sorry, May-Bell.” I kiss her on the cheek, then snap for Titus. He's made himself comfortable by the fire with Fox, but he comes. He follows Claudia out to my truck and I do my best not to slam the door to their house behind me.
I take a deep breath when I climb behind the wheel.
“That wasn't about you,” I say. “That was all about me and some of it was about my grandfather.”
“It's okay, Shep. Really. Let's just go back to your place and watch a movie or something.”
I don't say anything. I just start my truck and slowly back down the driveway.
We’re quiet the rest of the way back. I’m too pissed to talk and I can’t wrap my mind around the sheer size of the balls on Jad. I can’t even contemplate what Claudia might be thinking. It’s barely eight o’clock when we walk back in the door and I know Claudia only got to eat five or six bites of her dinner. I need to feed her and I need to get myself together so she doesn’t have to spend the rest of the night worried about how pissed I really am.
I sit on the edge of the couch and scrub my face with both my hands. Claudia sits on the coffee table in front of me. She’s quiet for a long time. I’m not trying to shut her out, but my chest is still tight. I need more time.
“I get it, Shep. Really.” She reaches forward and I let her take my hand. Titus takes that as a sign that he should come over and lick both our knuckles. Claudia smiles and scratches his head. “Thank you for the kisses, T,” she coos. Then she sighs and looks back up at me. “They are just protective of you and my showing up here and staying with you this way looks shady as fuck.”
“It's not that. They think...everything that happened with my mom and my grandfather made me the way I am.”
“So what’s the truth? You tell me. What made you the way you are?”
“I don’t know if you’re born an introvert or not, but I’m an introvert and so was my grandfather. My grandma and Sarah brought us out of our shells.”
“And they think a love lost made you both crazy hermits instead of just sending you back to your introverted ways.”
“Pretty much. I know my grandfather could have tried to remarry, but he didn’t. He focused on me and I won’t lie and say I’m not grateful for that.”
“You’re grandfather sounds like he was a pretty great man. His name was Egil?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s a bad ass fucking name.”
“He was pretty bad ass. He was a park ranger and being up here alone suited him just fine. People thought he was all mad and broken, but—”
“He was just minding his own business.”
“Yes.”
She nods and rubs her fingertips over my knuckles. I look at her dark nail polish. “That’s the nice thing about living in the city. Millions of people minding their own damn business. It’s lovely. So where does the other stuff come from? The kinky stuff.”
I sigh and just give her the dull truth. “The internet. Then college. Then people I met when I would go to the city for the weekends. Same way anyone figures out what they’re into.”
“Damn.”
“What?”
“I was hoping for something way crazier.”
“Sorry to disappoint.”
“Ask me some more questions from your list?”
I look at her for a moment. She’s serious. I sit back and I pull out my phone. “What was your favorite movie growing up? What was your least favorite movie? Do you have any pets?”
“No pets. We had a dog named Coco when I was like six, but after she died my dad cried for like two weeks. My mom said no more pets. Favorite movie? I don’t know. Too many to name.” She cocks her head to the side and makes a clicking noise with her tongue. “Have you seen Weekend At Bernie’s?”
That makes me laugh. “Yes. It was one of the classics we checked out from the library.”
“Miles loved that stupid movie and I hated it. The man is decomposing. By the beach! He would have smelled so bad. Ugh. So gross.”
I laugh and turn her hand over in my mine. “It was a pretty stupid movie.”
“I don't think you're screwed up, Shep. Sarah sounds like a dick and if I’d known she was my day nurse I wouldn’t have brought her flowers, but it sounds like she just didn’t get you. Breakups are hard, but you obviously loved her and trusted her. She shouldn’t have told people about your sex life. Especially in a town this small. Did she really think she was in danger with you?”
“I don’t know. She wasn’t.”
“I don’t think she was either. You’re rough and cranky as fuck, you do snore, but you’re a sweet, gentle man, Shep.”
“I never hurt her. I think she was pissed at me for not being exactly what she wanted. She was pissed that I wasn’t the full package. She texted me after she left town and told me she was still in love with me. She said that she would come back if I would just change.”
“That’s kind of shitty.”
“It was. But it doesn’t matter now. And Jad needs to get the fuck over it. You hungry?” She nods. “Are you above burgers?”
“Never.”
I make us a simple dinner and we watch more of her vampire show. I had something in mind for after we got back from Jad and May-Bell’s. It involved that bungee cord and some duct tape I found in the shed, but I know I’m too raw and still too pissed to do the scene right. A fuck up in the wrong headspace and I will hurt her. She says she’s going to change for bed and we’ll finish off the first season of Vampire Werewolf Bayou Blood Alliance. That’s what I’m calling it. I tell her to skip the pajamas and we both strip down to nothing.
I lay down on the couch and pull her whole body on top of mine. This is what I wanted the first night, every bit of her against me, skin to skin. I drape the blanket over us and spend the rest of the night running my hands up and down her bare back. My hands take periodic trips to her ass. I’m about to ask her what the fuck is going on with this teen witch girl when she tells me she is wet.
She lifts her head off my chest and looks me in the eyes. “Like really wet,” she says. My cock’s been behaving itself, but the moment she looks at me with those eyes my dick comes to life. I know she can feel it along her stomach. She squirms a little.
“You should see how wet I am,” she says.
“You want me to check?”
She nods.
I slip my hands down and grab her fully by the ass, and pull her body up so we’re face to face. I look down at her mouth and catch a glimpse of her tongue as it runs along the inside of her upper lip. I pull her ass cheeks apart with ease and I barely have to move my fingers an inch before I’m rubbing my hand in all this wetness. I’m a little shocked.
“When did this happen?” I ask.
She shrugs. “Last two hours or so.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes. I was thinking about you and how nice it would feel to come just from rubbing my clit all over you.”
I slide the tip of my middle finger just inside her pussy. She’s soaking wet and perfectly hot. “I’m not sure if I know what you mean. You should probably show me.”
“’Kay.” She leans down and licks my bottom lip, then she slips her hands between our bodies and lines the hardness of my shaft up with her wet slit. She starts to move and then she kisses me.
Thirteen
Claudia
I’m lost. So lost to this moment between us. I’m doing so many things wrong. For one, even though he hasn’t even penetrated me yet, I know one of us needs to pause and grab a condom, but I can’t stop myself from sliding my clit along his cock. I don’t know how this feels for him, but he has no idea how good this feels for me. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, especially after that awkwar
d as fuck dinner with the Tierneys. They exposed Shep in the most brutally honest, yet the most cruel way. I know I should be taking stock. I should be thinking about stepping back, but I can’t. I just want him more. I also want to go back down the hill and get those roses back from that nurse, Sarah.
Shep grips my ass harder and raises his hips. That feeling, when you know you’re so close to coming, that electricity that shoots up your clit, makes you crazy, sends you chasing the sensation over and over, that’s what I feel. I’m going to come. I rock against that friction. I move up a bit more so I can shove my tongue into his mouth. It’s warm under the blanket and I can feel our sweat starting to slick my body. His mustache tickles my face, but I don’t care. His tongue is so slick and dirty against mine.
I’m with Shep now, I keep telling myself. I’m with him and he’s not going to ask me to leave. He’s not going to tell me what we’re doing is wrong. He’s just as fucked up as I am, and in the back of my mind, I’ve started something I had no business starting. Something that’s going to fuck us both up even more, like forever.
I can’t decide whether or not I want to admit to Shep just how right he is. I want him. I want him all the time and he was right, I’m willing to beg for it. I can add that to the list of things I’ll eventually have to discuss with a future therapist. It’s not even the promise of sex that’s driving me. It’s his touch. It’s the way he looks at me. Damn those deep brown eyes that seem to focus on me everywhere I turn. Damn that perfectly crafted beard. And that cock.
“I’m gonna come,” I tell him, but before he can respond, say anything encouraging or nasty, I do come. I bury my face against his neck. He holds me closer, tries to hold me still, but my hips won’t stop. I want more.
“That’s it, baby,” he says against my forehead and then he kisses my scar. Kisses all along it again and I come again. I’m shaking, but he’s got me. He’s still holding me to his chest, both his massive arms wrapped around me. Jason would never.
“You want me to come?” he asks me. Of course, I do, but I can barely speak. I just nod. “There’s a condom in my pocket. Grab it.” I groan in disappointment, but he slaps my ass. “Go on.”
I use a surge of energy I can barely spare to toss off the blanket and make my shaky legs connect with the floor. I have to blink a few times before I can see properly but I find his jeans over by the TV. I’m ashamed and little disgusted at myself at the thought that crosses through my head as I dig the three condoms he has stashed from his back pocket. I don’t want to use them. I want to be safe. I’m on the pill, but it only takes one hormonal slip up for the pill to be rendered useless—but I also want to know what it feels like.
I turn back to the couch and find Shep sitting up on the edge of the cushion. I hand him one of the condoms. He looks at me as he rips open the wrapper. I can’t even think about looking away.
“You don’t want me to use it,” he says as he slips it on.
“Not in the stupid way though.”
“Oh, I know,” he says. He starts rubbing the palm of his hand over the swollen head of his cock. I swallow the drool that’s pooling in my mouth. “Can you wait?”
I nod my yes and my thighs seem to squeeze together on their own. I’ve just come twice, but something about his voice and what he’s suggesting has my clit aching again. He holds his hand out and I let him pull me close. He gathers me closer, bringing me down to straddle his lap. He grips his cock and pushes it inside me with shameful ease. He’s so big, but I am so ready for him. I close my eyes and suck in a breath as I gently swirl my hips. I suck in another breath as he palms my breast and takes my nipple in his mouth.
“I’m too close and it’s too risky,” he says. The sound of his voice kills me. So deep and gravelly.
“I know” I sigh.
“But soon, I’ll come all over you. Do you want that?” he asks.
“Yes,” I reply.
“Soon. Make me come,” he says. “Right now.”
I take his cheeks in my hands and press my lips to his. I ride him hard, flexing and clenching my pussy. I ignore my own pleasure and focus on the sounds he’s making, the groans, the harshness of his breath, the way he’s grasping at my skin. He pulls away from me with a loud moan and a “Holy fuck!” and even though his cock is covered, I can feel him flexing inside me. I can feel everything. I don’t want it to stop.
I wake up at four a.m. Another nightmare, but this time I don’t scream. I just jerk myself awake. My heart isn’t pounding, it’s trying to claw its way out of my chest. I’m in an episode of that vampire show, but it’s mixed with this movie I saw about terrorists taking hostages at an all boys boarding school and I’m there and I’m famous. More famous than I should be.
I’ve seen this episode before. I get shot in the back, but I survive. I try to retrace those steps, but none of the other actors are following the script. I have to hide somewhere else. I check all the halls and all the closets, and there’s nowhere to go. I’m back in Kleinman’s suddenly and I go to hide under a mountain of unfolded sweaters and jeans, but I’m moving too much and a gunman sees me. I wake up right when he pulls his trigger.
I can’t breathe when I open my eyes. I feel the tears stinging at my lids, but I hold them back, thinking of how bad my chest hurts. Shep and Titus are both knocked out, both snoring. I look at Shep in the darkness. I want to wake him up. I want him to hold me, but he had a terrible night and managed to shove it all down to please me the way I wanted him to. He looks too peaceful to be disturbed.
I slip out of bed and dig up my phone. I quietly walk into his living room. It’s so cold, in every way. I wrap myself in that blanket and I send a text to Liz. She might be awake.
I can’t sleep.
What’s wrong?
What did he do?
I’ll kill him.
Nothing. I add a laughing emoji.
Just had a bad dream.
Oh, Laudi. I’m sorry.
Do you want me to call you?
Nah. Shep’s still asleep
and it’s quiet enough to hear a pin drop.
So? I’ll call you anyway.
I’ll tell him to fuck right off.
You come first.
Really you don’t have to.
I just wanted to text you.
I want you to come home.
I’m worried about you.
I know he seems nice, but I’m still worried.
I know, but I’m okay. I promise.
Also, he’s great. And I’ll be back soon.
I just have to see this through.
What are you seeing through, exactly?
I don’t know. I have no idea.
My throat tightens and I feel some fat tears gathering up weight in the corners of my eyes.
I don’t want to cry ever again.
I need to figure that out.
That’s a lofty goal, boo.
Promise me you’ll take care of yourself
when you get back.
I want you to put you first.
I will.
I am.
In a healthy way. I’m not saying go back
to Kleinman’s or even Dr. Dumbass.
Just, you know. Better.
You know I’m here for you
and so is Big Boobs Brook.
I laugh out loud alone in the dark. Liz’s sister gave herself that nickname. It’s always funny.
I know.
I glance up and see the outline of Shep standing in the bedroom door. I’m still rattled from my dream and the rawness of my text conversation with Liz, but my pulse cranks up even higher. “Jesus Christ,” I gasp. “You scared the shit out of me.”
“Sorry. I just wanted to come check on you. You okay?” he says. His voice sounds weird in the darkness. Weird to me, like it should be comforting, but something about it isn’t quite hitting the mark. I know why. Because I’m about to lie to him.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just had a nightmare. I didn’t want to wake
you up.”
“You want to come back to bed? I don’t have to take Titus out for a few more hours and it’s freezing out here.”
“Sure.” I stand and text Liz back.
I’m going to try and get a little more sleep.
And then I cross the room. I don’t realize I have the blanket wrapped around me still until Shep puts his arm around my shoulder. I expect a kiss or some rugged manly gesture. Shep seems to have a thing for picking me up. I’m relieved when he doesn’t. I know what comes next if he does. He sweeps me up. He touches me. He kisses me. I beg him to fuck me. He does. But I don’t have it in me right now.
I don’t have the energy for the what comes next and the what comes after that. This is when Jason asks me a stupid question and I blow him to shut him up, but Shep kisses the top of my head and leads me over to the bed. He takes the blanket from me, then holds back the covers and waits for me. Titus huffs and moves around like we are disturbing the hell out of his peaceful slumber. Shep tells him to shut up and that makes me laugh a little. My phone vibrates in my hand.
Okay. Get some sleep. Love you!
Love you too.
I add five kissy face emojis. I set my phone on the floor as Shep climbs in on his side of the bed. He’s spooning me before I can roll back over.
“I like being here with you,” I tell him as I roll to face him. It’s the truth, but I feel like I have to tell him because I’m holding so much else back.
He squeezes me tighter. “I’m trying not to let that go to my head,” he says.
I want to tell him I love him. I don’t know if I do, but I want to tell someone who isn’t Liz or Brook something that matches what I’m feeling. That it hurts not to tell certain people I love them anymore, face to face. I open my mouth before I can stop myself.
HAVEN: Beards & Bondage Page 14
