HAVEN: Beards & Bondage

by Rebekah Weatherspoon

  “Saint?” she says bashfully and I know she feels bad. She hasn’t called me that in years. She’s testing the waters to see if I’ll hang up on her.

  “Hey, May,” I reply.

  “Neither of us are much for hem and haw, so I’ll just get right to the point. Jad and I are really sorry about what happened the other night. I know Claudia is heading out soon, but we were hoping you two would stop by for lunch before she has to go. We want to apologize to her and you. Properly.”

  “She already left,” I say.

  “Oh. We just missed her?”

  “No. She left on Tuesday.”

  “Oh! Thought she was staying ‘til the weekend. Why did she leave early? It wasn’t because of us, was it?”

  “No, May. She had to get back for a job interview.”

  “Oh. Well good. She said she was looking.”

  “Mhmm,” I say. There’s dead air on May-Bell’s end for a few seconds.

  “Is she coming back?” she asks.

  “No.” Sure, anything is possible, but we both know how this is really going to play out.

  “I’m sorry, darling. I know you two went through a lot together. And I know you must care about her a lot to invite her into your life like that.”

  “Yeah.” There’s another silence and then I hear Jad mumbling something in the background.

  “Well Jad’s gonna come by anyway and bring you your chainsaw and I’ll send him over with something for you to eat.”

  “Okay.” I take that as a sign that maybe I don’t need to go into town for more liquor. “I’ll be here.”

  “Okay.” I hang up with May-Bell and give up looking for my keys. I snap for Titus to come and watch him from the porch while he sniffs around the yard until Jad pulls up.

  “How long you been sitting there?” he asks.

  “Since I hung up with May.”

  “You waiting for me?”

  “Yep.”

  “Am I banned from your house now?”

  “No, just giving T some exercise.”

  “Ah. Should have brought Fox by. Next time.” He comes over to the steps and I hear at least three of his joints crack as he groans and sits down beside me. He's quiet for a while. I think he's going to launch into some speech about the weather or act like everything's cool and ask if I want to go fishing, but he doesn't.

  “Man to man, I was out of line, Shep. And I’m sorry for that.”

  I nod and watch Titus try to pick up a clump of dirt with his paw. “I appreciate that, Jad.”

  “I was worried about you and I got a little ahead of myself. Can’t promise it won't happen again ’cause it’s a little hard to unlearn pigheadedness at my age, but I am sorry.”

  I chuckle a bit and shake my head. “I appreciate the honesty too.”

  “I don’t care much for Sarah still. If that wasn’t obvious.”

  “It wasn’t actually.”

  “What?” He looks over at me as I shrug.

  “I’m pretty sure, or at least I was, that everyone blamed me for not making it work with Sarah.”

  “In a place like this it might feel like you belong with the girl next door, but that ain’t always the case.”

  “True.” I let Titus walk a few feet too far into the woods before I whistle for him. He comes trotting back to the porch. He knows he’s been caught. I scratch his head then Jad gets a turn and Titus tries to lick his palm.

  “I know, I’m not your dad and I’m not Egil, but May-Bell and I love you just like you’re our boy. When you showed up May and I decided to give all the love we had that we weren’t spreading around to you. You ever wonder why we ain’t got no kids of our own?”

  “You’re too cantankerous to conceive?”

  “Close. I can’t. It’s me. Plumbing don’t work. Never did, but May didn’t leave me. And back long before it was hip to tell people you just didn’t want to have kids, May told people it was her. She did that for me. She didn’t have to, but she knew how awful I felt that I couldn’t give her youngins so she tried to save my pride. I didn’t let her keep that up for more than five minutes, but that was when I knew her and I were a team. We loved each other that much. And we keep trying to protect each other.”

  I look over at him when the emotion starts choking up his voice. “You deserve that, Shepard. You hear me? You deserve whoever is gonna look out for you the way you look out for them. Not someone who’s going to turn on you when you don’t see eye to eye. You deserve someone who’s gonna stick around for you.” He lets out a harsh breath, then swallows the lump in his throat. He’s close to crying. So am I, but we both manage to keep it in.

  “So what do you think I should do?” I ask. “You think I should sell this place and leave?”

  “Not if you don’t want to. Get on the internet. That’s what it’s for, right? Make you a dating profile. Maybe there’s some nice conservationist in Montana who’s looking to move further west. Find someone who works for you. Stop trying to make these girls fit your life up here. It’s not gonna work.”

  “You’re right.” I know he is.

  “I’m sorry things didn’t work out with Claudia though. She did seem like a very nice girl. Very pretty too.”

  “I won’t tell May-Bell you said.”

  “Oh, she agrees. That was the first thing she said about her.”

  “I see.”

  “We square, you and I?” He holds out his hand.

  “Yeah. We’re good.” I shake it.

  “Good. Come on by for dinner tonight. I know you Olsen men are keen on your lonely commiserating, but you smell like a distillery and I think you could go for some good food.”

  “Okay.”

  “Now come on.” He slaps me on my knee and nods toward the bed of his truck. “Come get your chainsaw.”

  Eighteen

  Claudia

  45 Days Later

  I need to stop looking at my phone while I’m walking. I’ve walked into three people already today, two of them between the train and my building. And maybe if I were paying a little bit more attention I would see Liz standing at my door when I come out of the elevator. I would have enough time to make a break for the stairs.

  She coughs to catch my attention and when I look up I’m only two feet away from her. She’s standing there holding a bottle of rosé and the look on her face tells me she will chase me down and tackle me if I try to escape. I haven't seen her or any of my friends since I got back.

  “Heeey,” I say as I slow to a complete stop.

  She shakes her head with that are you fucking kidding me look. “Where do I start, Claudia?”

  “Uh—”

  “You never take my calls. You’ve barely responded to any of my or Brook or the girls’ texts? You blew Rayna off on her birthday and you look like complete shit.”

  “This is Gucci, thank you very much.”

  “Well it looks like you and Gucci haven’t eaten real food in two weeks.”

  “Would you like to come inside?” I ask. She’s nowhere near done cussing me out, but we don’t need to do this in my hallway.

  “How sweet of you! Of course I would.” I roll my eyes and nudge by her so I can unlock the door. I head straight inside. I set my things down and go right for the drawer where I keep the corkscrew. I turn around and hand it to her before I pull off my jacket. She sets it and the rosé down, takes off her own coat. I grab some wine glasses and walk over to the couch. She’s right behind me.

  “You’d think we were friends,” she says under her breath.

  “I’ve been busy.”

  “Claudia.”

  “What?!”

  “Do. Not,” she says in her best mom tone. “I’m not the one. Okay, bitch? I want to know exactly what happened out there with the mountain man and I want to know exactly what you’ve been doing since you got back. I know Mode is the real deal, but I refuse to believe you don’t have time to see me, like ever.”

  “Liz.”

  She doesn’t budge.
She just crosses her arms and glares right back at me. “Try again.”

  “Fine.” I throw up my hands. “Where do you want me to start? With the fact that I’m pretty sure I had a psychotic break and decided not to seek help for it or with the fact that Shep is the most amazing man I have ever met in my entire life and he professed his love to me before I threw up the two fingers and left him hanging so I could rush back here to meet Vivianne. And I don’t know, how about I sprinkle in a little of how I feel like I don’t think I know how to process basic human emotions anymore.”

  Her mouth drops open. “Oh babe.”

  “Or maybe we can talk about how I lost my shit up there like a minimum of five times and he handled it perfectly. And I’m not talking like a perfect medical professional. I’m talking marriage material, this is how you want a man to hold you for the rest of your life type shit. Like you know he can handle anything you throw at him, calm and cool.”

  “Babe.”

  “Work is kicking my ass. Kleinman’s was a walk in the park compared to Mode. Vivianne is a genius and she is demanding as fuck, but you’re right. I’m not working all the time. I just feel like I can’t slow down.”

  “Why not?”

  “Cause I’ll want to call him, I’ll want to see him. Cause I’ll lose my shit again. Cause I’ll have to face the fact that I’m still in fucking agony over Miles and I somehow managed to just pile on when it comes to Shep. I should have never gone out there. I feel like if I can't see him I might as well avoid everyone and everything else.”

  “Damn,” Liz says as she lets out a big breath. She opens the rosé and pours us both a healthy glass. We both take large sips. It warms my chest and I feel my body start to really heat for the first time in weeks. I hate it. “How do you feel about him? Really.”

  “I don’t know. I feel crazy. That’s how I feel.”

  “Why? Why do you feel crazy?”

  “Because I love him,” I say honestly and the fat tears come. “I really wasn't trying to ignore you and the girls. I just, anything but work feels like too much right now.” More tears. Silent, but still streaming down my face. Liz grabs the box of tissues off my coffee table. I grab a few from the box but I don’t bother to wipe my face. “I quit Kleinman’s because I felt like I could never come to work again without people whispering about me. Do you know how weird it feels to know that people are constantly telling every new person who gets hired that you were almost murdered?

  “Like everyone was so nice and sympathetic, but no one could treat me like myself. I felt like a movie of the week. I was so angry. I loved working there and no one would just let me go back to work. I just wanted to feel like myself again. I just wanted to be myself and no one there would let me.”

  “And Shep made you feel like yourself again?”

  “He made me feel like I am different now and that’s… expected.”

  Liz reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Babe, it is. I wasn’t the same after I lost my parents. I’ll never be that girl again. Same with Brook. Some things about her are the same, but she was very different from the person you know now. Loss like that does change you. You know that.”

  “Yeah. He’s a part of the orphan club too. And he said some things about having to shoot that guy to protect me. I think it really fucked him up.”

  “See!”

  I laugh and wipe my face. “There was the sex too.”

  “Oh thank god. I was worried for a second. Three thousand miles is way too far to travel for no sex. Tell me literally everything.” I do. Or at least I give her the general overview and some of the dirtier details. I see nearly every emotion pass over her face by the time I get to the bondage and the flogging. And then I tell her about Sarah.

  “I think he found something in me he couldn’t find in her and then I just left him. It sucks. He’s amazing and he’s just up there all alone. With his dog. And he is married to that mountain. I don’t think I could ask him to come here to visit. He thrives off fresh mountain air. The smell of the subway alone would kill him.”

  She sighs. “That is tough, but you’re… you’re not responsible for him in that way,” she says with a little grimace.

  “I know. I know you’re right. But—”

  “But you really have feelings for this guy?”

  “I think I do and they are so fucking complicated. Did I Florence Nightingale a dude because he saved me or do I really love him?” I grab my phone and pull up the pictures that I’ve been purposefully avoiding for weeks. I hand Liz my phone. She gasps and then makes an awwwing noise.

  “Laudi, you two look so cute.”

  I groan and sit back against the corner of my couch. “There’s more.” I take my phone back and pull up the emails Shep sent me. I show her all the pictures he took of just me. I watch Liz as her eyes grow wide.

  “He took these?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Oh. Girl.”

  “I know.”

  “First of all he’s a really good photographer and second—”

  “I know. You don’t have to say it.”

  “I mean… he like, loves you. Like looooves you.”

  “It’s that obvious, isn’t it? And he doesn’t even photograph people usually. Just nature. I spent the entire flight back looking at these, crying. I was so lucky no one was sitting next to me.”

  “Have you heard from him?”

  “He emailed me these, but that’s it. It was a blank email with just the pictures.” I pull up the photo he took of me and Titus that morning in the clearing.

  “Oh yeah. He’s turning into Hemingway up there over these pics.”

  I laugh, but more tears leak out of the corners of my eyes. I wipe my face this time. “I don’t know what to do.”

  “Here’s the advice I’m going to give you. First of all, don’t ever avoid me again. Vivianne loves me. I will show up at your job. I’ll bring Brook. You don’t want that.”

  “God. No I don’t.”

  “No you don’t. Second of all. I think you need to talk to someone. Find a new therapist. I agree, whatsherface sucked and you weren’t clicking with her anyway. Find someone you want to talk to and take care of yourself.”

  “And thirdly?”

  She holds up her hands. “Oh no thirdly. I can’t help you there.”

  “Gee. Thanks.”

  “You think I’m going to tell you to run after him? Nah. We’re not that drunk yet.”

  I laugh and reach for my wine.

  “I’m too selfish to tell you to move to bumfuck Northern California and I would never tell you to leave Mode for a dude. Never. That’s crazy, but I think you are feeling a lot and I think you are hurting. Maybe if you talk to someone you can sort out what’s really going on and you can see if you really do love him, all this other shit aside.”

  I let out a deep breath as more tears roll down my cheeks. She’s right.

  “In the meantime, I’m gonna order us some pizza and you’re going to eat. I know you probably had a carrot and some champagne today and I know there’s an image at Mode, but we are both thick women and we are beautiful that way.”

  “Amen,” I say. “Extra pepperoni, please.”

  “Coming right up.”

  Shep

  The morning of the third Saturday in December, I get a phone call. It’s Connie calling me from the diner.

  “Morning, Shep. I’m glad I caught you,” she says.

  “Everything okay?” I ask her.

  “Yeah, honey. Everything’s fine. Listen, I was going to try to come up with something clever or cute to get you down here, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Claudia’s here. She said she was going to drive right up to your place, but she doesn’t know how to get up there. And she said she would have called you herself, but you two aren’t exactly speaking so she didn’t know if you would answer the phone. She also said she knows about the mess with Sarah and asked me to keep that last part to myself, which I will.”

  “I—okay.�
��

  “You want to come on down or I can have Jerry guide her up to your place.” She pauses. “Or I can ask her to leave. It’s your call, sweetheart.”

  My brain flatlines for a second. I have no fucking clue what to say, but then I remember I still have Connie waiting for a response. “I’ll, uh. I’ll be down in a bit. Thanks, Connie.”

  “No problem. We’ll see you soon.”

  I try not to spend the entire drive down attempting to figure out what the hell she could possibly be doing here. I tell myself whatever she wants, handle it down there. Don’t let her back up to my place. I can’t do this shit with her. Hear her out, whatever she needs to say. And then it occurs to me. She’s pregnant. I almost drive off the road when I realize I’ve pushed the gas to the floor. I get to Connie’s in record time and almost sideswipe Rich’s car when I pull into the lot. I take the stairs five at once and almost rip the door off the hinges. The bell rings loud as hell as it smacks against the frame. I scare the shit out of Connie.

  “Hey. Sorry. She still here?”

  “Yeah.” Connie points to the back. I whip around and there is Claudia standing next to my favorite booth. She looks the same, but totally different. She’s wearing this thick fancy beige trench coat that’s made out of some warm looking material and a full face of makeup. She’s wearing fuck me black boots with heels that make her a half foot taller, but to hell with all of that. I look right at her stomach and I take the entire length of the diner in three steps.

  “Are you pregnant?”

  Her head jerks back and she frowns. “No. Why?”

  “Oh.” I exhale. “Okay.”

  “Did you think you got me pregnant?”

  “No, but it was the only reason I could think for you to come back.”

  “Ah, oh. Yeah I guess that makes sense. Would you like to sit down?”

  “Yeah, sure.” Sitting is a good idea. I’m about to pass out. We both sit in the booth. I pull off my skull cap and take a sip from one of the waters sitting in the middle of the table.