M.Y.T.H. Inc. Link m-7

by Robert Asprin

  "Sorry," I said carefully, "I actually hadn't planned on using either one of you on this assignment."

  That hung in the air for a few moments. Then Tananda cleared her throat.

  "If you don't mind my asking, if you aren't going to use either of us, who are you giving the assignment to?"

  I came around my desk and perched on the edge so I could speak more personally.

  "The way I see it, the new design will have to be attention-getting, a real showstopper. Now when it comes to eye-catching displays, I think we've got just the person on our staff."

  Massha's Tale

  "ARE YOU SURE the great Skeeve sent you?"

  Now I'll tell ya, folks, I'm used to people over reactin' to me, but this guy Hysterium seemed to be gettin' a little out a hand. I mean, Deveels are supposed to be used to dealin' with all sorts of folks without battin' an eye. Still, he was the client, and business is business.

  "What ya sees is what ya gets. Cute, Rich, and Desperate."

  It never hurts to spread a little sugar around, but this time the customer just wasn't buyin'.

  "The Great Skeeve? The one who runs M.Y.T.H. Inc.?"

  This was startin' ta get redundant, so I decided it was time ta put a stop to it once and for all. I heaved a big sigh... which, I'll tell you, on me is really something.

  "Tell ya what... Hysterium, is it? Never was much good with names. If you want I'll go back and tell the Prez that you decided not to avail yourself of our services. Hmmm?"

  All of a sudden, he got a lot more appreciative of what he was gettin'.

  "No! I mean, that won't be necessary. You ... weren't quite what I was expecting, is all. So you're agents of M.Y.T.H. Inc., eh? What did you say your names were again?"

  I don't know what he was expecting, but I was willin' ta believe we weren't it ... at least, I wasn't. Even when I'm just lazin' around I can be quite an eyeful, and today I decked myself out to the nines just ta be sure to make an impression. Of course, in my case it's more like out to the nineties.

  No one has ever called me petite... not even when I was born. In fact, the nurses took ta calling my mom the "Oooh-Ahh Bird," even though I didn't get the joke until I was older. The fact of the matter is, folks, that I'm larger than large... somewhere between huge and "Oh, my God," leaning just a teensy bit toward the latter. Now I figure when you're my size there's no way to hide it, so you might as well flaunt it... and, believe me, I've become an expert on flauntin' it.

  Take for example my chosen attire for the day. Now a lot of girls moan that unless you got a perfect figure, you can't wear a bare midriff outfit. Well, I've proven over and over again that that just isn't so, and today was no exception. The top was a bright lime green with purple piping, which was a nice contrast to the orange-and-redstriped bottoms. While I feel there's nothing wrong with going barefoot, I found these darling turquoise harem slippers and couldn't resist addin' them to the ensemble. Of course, with that much color on the bod, a girl can't neglect her makeup. I was usin' violet lipstick accented by mauve eye shadow and screaming yellow nail polish, with just a touch of rouge to hide the fact that I'm not gettin' any younger. I'd thought of dyein' my hair electric blue instead of its normal orange, but decided I'd stick with the natural look.

  Now, some folks ask where I find outfits like that. Well, if ya can keep a secret, I have a lot of ‘em made especially for me. Face it, ya don't find clothes like these on the rack ... or if ya do, they never fit right. Be sure ta keep that a secret, though. The designers I patronize insist that no one ever find out... probably afraid they'll get swamped with orders. They never put their labels in my clothes for the same reason. Even though I've promised not to breathe a word to anybody, they're afraid someone might find out by accident ... or was that in an accident? Whatever.

  Oh, yes. I was also wearin' more than my normal allocation of jewelry, which, for anyone who knows me, means quite a lot. Ta save time, I won't try to list the whole inventory here. Just realize I was wearin' multiples of everything: necklaces, dangle bracelets, ankle bangles, earrings, nose rings ... I went especially heavy on rings, seein' as how this was for work. You see, not only are my rings a substantial part of my magical arsenal. Mom always said it wasn't ladylike to wear brass knuckles, and my rings give me the same edge in a fight, with style thrown in for good measure.

  Anyway, I really didn't blame the client for bein' a little overwhelmed when we walked in. Even though he bounced back pretty well, all things considered, I think it took the two of us ta prove ta him just how desperate he really was.

  "Well, I'm Massha," I said, "and my partner over there is Vic."

  Hysterium nearly fell over his desk in his eagerness to shake Vic's hand. My partner was dressed stylishly, if sedately by my standards, in a leisure suit with a turtleneck and ankle-high boots. His whole outfit was in soft earth tones, and it was clear the Deveel had him pegged as the normal member of the twosome. Call it a mischievous streak, but I just couldn't let it stand at that.

  "Actually, Vic isn't one of our regular staff. He's a free-lancer we bring in occasionally as a specialist."

  "A specialist?" Hysterium noted, still shakin' Vic's hand. "Are you an interior decorator?"

  My partner gave him a tight smile.

  "No, I'm more of a night-life specialist. That's why I'm wearing these sunglasses. I'm very sensitive to the light."

  "Night life? I'm not sure I understand."

  I hid a little smile and looked at the ceiling.

  "What Vic here is tryin' to say," I told the Deveel, as casually as I could, "is that he's a vampire."

  Hysterium let go of the hand he had been pumpin' like it had bitten him.

  "A vampire?!"

  Vic smiled at him again, this time lettin' his outsized canines show.

  "That's right. Why? Have you got something against vampires?"

  The client started edgin' away across the office.

  "No! It's just that I never... No. It's fine by me. Really."

  "Well, now that that's settled," I said, takin' command of the situation again, "let's get down to business. If I understand it right, you've got a white elephant on your hands here and we're supposed to turn it into a gold mine by the first of the month."

  Hysterium was gingerly seatin' himself behind his desk again.

  "I... Yes. I guess you could summarize the situation that way. We're scheduled to be ready to open in three weeks."

  "... And what kind of budget have we got to pull this miracle off with?" Vic said, abandoning his "looming vampire" bit to lean casually against the wall.

  "Budget?"

  "You know. Big Plunger. As in ‘money'?" I urged. "We know what our fees are. How much are you willin' to sink into decorations and advertisin' to launch this place properly?"

  "Oh, that. I think I've got the figures here someplace. Of course, I'll be working with you on this."

  He started rummagin' through the papers on his desk.

  "Wrong again. High Roller," I said firmly. "You're going to turn everything over to us and take a three-week vacation."

  The Deveel's rummagin' became a nervous fidget. I was startin' ta see how he got his name.

  "But... I thought I'd be overseeing things. It is my project, after all."

  "You thought wrong. Mister," Vie said. "For the next three weeks it's our project."

  "Don't you want my input and ideas?"

  Fortunately, Vic and I had talked this out on the way over, so I knew just what to say.

  "Let me put it to you this way, Hysterium," I said. "If you had any ideas you thought would work, you'd be tryin' them yourself instead of hirin' us. Now, three weeks isn't a heck of a lot of time, and we can't waste any of it arguin' with you over every little point. The only way to be sure you don't yield to the temptation of kibitzin' and stay out from underfoot is for you not ta be here. Understand? Now make up your mind. Either you let us do the job without interference, or you do it yourself and we call it quits right now." />
  The Deveel deflated slightly. It's always a pleasure doin' business with desperate people.

  "Don't you at least need me to sign the checks?" he asked weakly.

  "Not if you contact the bank and tell ‘em we're cleared to handle the funds," I smiled.

  "While you're at it," Vie suggested, "let the contractor know we'll be making a few changes in the finishing work his crew will be doing. Say that we'll meet him here first thing in the morning to go over the changes. Of course, we'll need to see the blueprints right away."

  Hysterium straightened up a little at that, glancin' quickly from one of us to the other.

  "Can you at least let me in on your plans? It sounds like you have something specific in mind."

  "Not really. Sugar," I winked. "We're just clearin' the decks so we can work. The marchin' orders are to turn a third-rate overnight hotel into the biggest tourist trap Deva has ever seen. Now will you get movin' so we can get started?"

  It took us quite a while to go over the blueprints. You see, buildin' things had never been a big interest of mine, so it took a while to understand what all the lines and notes meant. Fortunately, Vic had studied a bit of architecture at one point when he was thinkin' of givin' up magic, so he could explain a lot of it to me...or at least enough so I could follow what he was talkin' about.

  "Let's face it, Massha," he said at last, leanin' back in his chair. "No matter how long we stare at the drawings, they aren't going to change. What he's built here is a box full of rooms. The place has about as much personality as an actuary... which is to say, a little less than an accountant."

  "You gotta admit, though," I observed, "the setup has a lot of space."

  I could see why our client was nervous. The place was plain, but it was five floors of plain spread over a considerable hunk of land. There was a lot of extra land for expansion, which at the moment seemed unlikely. Hysterium had obviously sunk a bundle into puttin' this deal together, money he would never see again if nobody rented a room here.

  "Tell me. Vic. Your home dimension is entertainment oriented enough so that the competition for crowds has to be pretty heavy. What's packin' ‘em in these days, anyway?"

  The vampire frowned for a few moments as he thought over my question.

  "Well, it depends on what kind of clientele you're after. You can go after the family groups or folks who have already retired. My favorite is the young professionals. They usually haven't started their families yet or are passing on them completely, which means they've got both money and time. For that set, clubs are always big. If I really wanted to pull crowds into a new place, I'd probably open a good disco."

  "Now we're talkin'. Do you think you could put one together in three weeks?"

  My partner shook his head and laughed.

  "Hold on a second, Massha. I was just thinking out loud. Even if I could come up with a plan for a club, there's no room for it."

  Now it was my turn ta laugh.

  "Vic, honey, if there's one thing we've got it's room. Look here ..."

  I flipped the blueprints to the drawin's of the first floor.

  "... What if we knocked out the inside walls here on the ground level? That'd give us all the space we'd ever need for your disco."

  "Too much space," the vampire said, studyin' the plans. "The key to one of these clubs is to keep it fairly small so people have to wait to get in. Besides, I'm afraid if we knocked out all the internal walls, there wouldn't be enough support for the rest of the structure."

  An idea was startin' ta form in my head.

  "So try mis. We keep the whole outer perimeter of rooms... turn ‘em into shops or somethin'. That'll give extra support and cut back on your club space. And if that's still too big..."

  "About four times too big."

  "Uh huh. What would you say ta a casino? I haven't seen one yet that didn't draw tourists by the droves."

  Vie expressed his admiration with a low whistle.

  "You don't think small, do you? I'm surprised you aren't thinking of a way to make money off the grounds as well."

  "I can't make up my mind between a golf course and an amusement park." I said. "That can wait for a while until we see how the rest of this works out."

  Right about then, I noticed Vic babes had his cheaters off and was studyin' me. Now, I'm used to bein' stared at, but there was somethin' kinda unsettlin' about his expression that was outside the norm, if ya know what I mean. I waited for him ta speak his mind, but after a while the silence started gettin' to me.

  "What're you lookin' at me that way for. Young and Bloodthirsty? Did I grow another head sudden-like when I wasn't lookin'?"

  Instead of answerin' right away, he just kept starin' until I was thinkin' a bustin' him one just ta break the suspense.

  "You know, Massha," he said finally, "for-a-so-called apprentice, you're pretty savvy. With the way you dress and talk it's easy to overlook, but there's quite a mind lurking behind all that mascara, isn't there?"

  Now if there's one thing I have trouble handlin' it's praise... maybe ‘cause I don't hear that much of it. To keep my embarrassment from bein' too noticeable, I did what I always do and ducked behind a laugh.

  "Don't let the wrappin' fool ya. Fangs. Remember, I used ta be an independent before I signed on with Skeeve's gang. Magician for the city-state of Ta-hoe and then Veygus over on Jahk, that was me."

  "Really? I didn't know that."

  Just goes to show how rattled I was. I couldn't even remember how little Vic knew about our operation and the people in it.

  "That was when I first ran into the Boy Wonder. He was in trouble then, too ... in fact, Skeeve seems to have a knack for trouble. Remind me sometime to tell you about the spot he was in when I did loom up."

  "Why not now?" he said, leanin' back in his chair. "I'm not going anywhere, and there's no time like the present for learning more about one's business associates."

  As you've probably noticed, I was eager to get off the spot, and talking' about Skeeve seemed to be just the ticket I was lookin' for.

  "Well, at the time his big green mentor had taken off for Perv, see ... some kinda family problem. Anyway, the king puts me touch on Skeeve to stand in for him, supposedly so's his royalness could take a bit of a vacation... say, for a day or so. What the Man neglected to mention to our colleague was that his bride-to-be, a certain Queen Hemlock, was due ta show up expectin' ta tie the knot with whoever was warmin' the throne just then."

  "Queen Hemlock?"

  "Let me tell you, she was a real sweetheart. Probably would have ended up on the gallows at an early age if she hadn't been the daughter of a king. As it was, she ended up runnin' the richest kingdom in that dimension and was out to merge with me best military force around... which turned out to be the kingdom that Skeeve was babysittin'."

  Vic frowned.

  "If she was already in a position to buy anything she wanted; what did she need an army for?"

  "For those doodads that weren't for sale. You see, we all have our little dreams. Hers was to rule the world. That was Queen Hemlock for you. The morals of a mink in heat and the humble aspirations of Genghis Khan."

  "And the two of you stopped her?"

  "To be truthful with you, Skeeve did. All I did was round up the king so we could put him back on the throne where he was supposed to be. Skeeve set ‘em up with a pair of wedding rings that never come off which also link their lives. That meant if Queenie wanted to off Kingie and clear the path for a little world-conquering, she'd be slitting her own throat at the same time."

  "Where'd he find those? I never heard of such a thing."

  I gave him a chuckle and a wink.

  "Neither has anyone else. What they got was some junk jewelry from a street vendor here at the Bazaar along with a fancy story concocted by one Skeeve the Great. What I'm sayin' is that he sold ‘em a line of hooey, but it was enough to cool Hemlock's jets. Smooth move, wasn't it?"

  Instead of joinin' in with my laughter, the vamp
ire thought for a few moments, then shook his head. "I don't get it," he said. "Now, don't mistake me ... I think Skeeve's a swell guy and all that. It's just that from all I can find out, he doesn't use all that much magik, and what he does use is pretty weak stuff. So how has he built up an organization of top-flight talent around him like you and the others?"

  "I'll tell ya. Vic, there's magik and there's magik. Skeeve has ... how can I explain it? He may not be strong in the bibbity-bobbity-boo department, and he hasn't got the woman sense of a Quasimodo, but he's got enough heart for three normal folks."

  I punched him lightly on the arm.

  "Remember when I said he has a knack for gettin' into trouble? Well, the truth is that more often than not he's bailin' someone else out who really deserves to get what's comin' to ‘em. In that Hemlock caper I was just tellin' you about, he could have headed for the horizon once he figured out that he'd been had... but that would have left a whole kingdom without a leader, so he stuck it out. When I met him, he was workin' at gettin' Tananda loose after she got pinched tryin' ta steal a birthday present for Aahz. Heck, as I recall, the first time we crossed paths with you we were settin' up a jailbreak for his old mentor. That's Skeeve, if ya see what I mean. He's always gettin' in over his head tryin' ta do what he thinks is right, and a body gets the feelin' ... I don't know, that if you stand beside him he just might be able to pull it off. Even if it don't work out, you feel you've been doin' somethin' good with your life instead of just hangin' in there for the old number one. Am I makin' any sense at all?"

  "More than you know," Vie said. "If I'm understanding you properly, he sets a high personal standard, and consequently draws people to him who are impressed by the sincerity of his actions... who in turn try to match the proportionate output they perceive in him. It's an interesting theory. I'll have to think about it."

  I couldn't help but notice that once old Fangs got wrapped up in somethin', he started soundin' more like a college prof than a night-lovin' partygoer. It made me a little curious, but since I don't like people tryin' to peek at more of me than I'm willin' to show, I decided to let it go.