M.Y.T.H. Inc. Link m-7

by Robert Asprin

  "On my way," the Deveel waved. "Gee. I can't get over ..."

  "Now, you realize, of course, we don't have that kind of cash on hand. We'll have to give a down payment and arrange some kind of payment schedule."

  "Fine. Fine. As long we get a contract guaranteeing my profit."

  Then he was gone, leavin' us ta stare at each other in silence. Finally, Skeeve gathered us up with his eyes.

  "The placed is booked solid?" he said, confirmin' what we had told him in our debriefing.

  "... For three weeks, with a waiting list for cancellations," Vic confirmed. "We're taking reservations for as much as a year and a half in advance."

  "... And Hysterium doesn't know?"

  "He never asked, and we never got the chance to tell him," I shrugged. "You saw how he was."

  Skeeve nodded thoughtfully.

  "That means, if my calculations are correct, we'll be able to pay him off in full in less than three months... not including the take from the casino and the shops."

  He rose and stretched, then gave us a wink.

  "C'mon, you two," he said. "I think I'll invest an arm and a leg and buy you both a drink!"

  Chapter Four:

  "If you're too busy to help your friends, you're too busy!"

  -L. IACOCCA

  ACTUALLY, I WASN'T all that wild over The Fun House. I mean, it was making us money hand over fist, but I somehow never figured on owning a hotel/casino. In particular, I didn't think it was a good idea to set the precedent of buying out dissatisfied customers, no matter how profitable the deal turned out to be. As it was, Hysterium's relatives (on his wife's side) were trying to get the deal invalidated on the basis that he must have been out of his mind, or at least not in his right mind, to sell such a lucrative business at the price he did. I wasn't particularly worried, as this was still the Bazaar at Deva, and if everyone who signed off on a bad deal here was declared insane, the economy would collapse.

  The part that really bothered me about the deal was that it meant associating with the Geek again. In past dealings with him, he had consistently proven to be primarily concerned with lining his own pockets without much regard for anyone else, and I felt it was dangerous to place him in a position where he had such temptingly easy access to our money, or even a piece of it.

  Still, I couldn't argue with Massha's logic in including him in the scheme, and at the time she approached him she had no idea he was going to end up reporting to us. Bunny assured me that she was personally auditing the financial reports for the casino that the Geek turned in along with our share of the take, but I found that in spite of that I tended to spend inordinate amounts of time studying the spreadsheets myself, half expecting to find some indication that he was somehow skimming a little off the top for his personal accounts.

  That's what I was doing this particular afternoon, setting aside the countless letters and chores that were pressing on my time to take one more pass at auditing the Geek's financial reports. Bunny had told me once that a hefty percentage of accountants and financial analysts operated more out of spite than from any instinctive or learned insight. That is, rather than detecting that there's anything wrong from the figures they study, they single out some ‘department that's been giving them grief or a manager who made snide comments about them at the company party, then go over their reports very carefully. She maintains that anyone's reports will come up flawed or suspicious if reviewed closely enough.

  That may well be, if one is a skilled numbers cruncher. All I discovered was that prolonged periods of time spent staring at rows of little numbers are a pain... literally and figuratively. Specifically, after a few hours hunched over the reports, I was feeling cramps and stabbing pain in my eyes, my neck, my back, and regions lower.

  Leaning back to ease the strain and stretching a bit, my eye fell on the pencil I had tossed down on my desk from disgust and frustration. With a smirk, I reached out with my mind, grabbed it, and flipped it into the air. What do magicians do when they get bored or depressed? Tinker around with magik, natch!

  Remember once upon a time when I used to sweat and groan to levitate a feather? Well, those days are long gone. Nothing like a few years of using the basics like levitation to save your skin to increase one's confidence... and, as Aahz always told me, confidence is the key to magik.

  I took the pencil up to the ceiling, paused, then took it on a tour of the room, stopping cold at each corner to give it a right-angle turn. I realized I was humming a little tune under my breath as I put it through its paces, so I brought it down over the desk and started using it like a conductor's baton, cueing the drums and the horns as the tune built.

  "Nice to see you're keeping your hand in."

  I glanced over at the door, and discovered my old mentor leaning against the frame watching me work.

  "Hi, Aahz," I said, keeping the pencil moving smoothly. "Well, things have been so busy I haven't had much time to practice, but I do still turn a spell now and then."

  As offhand as I sounded, I was secretly very pleased that the pencil hadn't wavered when Aahz surprised me. Not breaking concentration on a spell, or, rather, maintaining a spell once concentration was broken, had been one of the harder lessons Aahz had taught me, and I thought I finally had it down pat. I only hoped he noticed.

  "Got a few minutes for your old partner?"

  "Sure, pull up a chair."

  I decided it would be rude to keep playing with the pencil while I was talking to Aahz, so I brought it down to where I could pluck it smoothly from the air as I leaned forward. Aahz didn't seem to notice, though. He was craning his neck slightly to look at the papers scattered across my desk.

  "What's all this?"

  "Oh, just going over the financials from The Fun House. I still don't trust the Geek completely."

  Aahz settled back in his chair and cocked his head at me.

  "The Fun House, eh? Haven't really had a chance to talk with you much about that one. That was quite a coup you pulled off there."

  I felt warmed and flattered by his comment. While we were technically equals... had been for some time... he was still my old teacher, and I couldn't help but react to praise from him.

  "It seemed like the best route out of a bad situation," I said offhandedly.

  "That's right," he nodded. "It's always easier to solve a problem by throwing money at it than by thinking your way out."

  Suddenly this no longer sounded particularly complimentary. I felt my pride turning to defensiveness with the speed of a snuffed candle.

  "I believe the financial returns to the company have more than justified the wisdom of the investment."

  It sounded a little stuffy, even to me. I had noticed that more and more these days I was retreating into stuffiness for defense in situations where I used to whine about my inexperience or lack of working data.

  "Well, I've never been one to complain about clearing a profit," Aahz said, flashing one of his ear-to-ear displays of teeth. "Even when it means acquiring a casino we neither want nor need."

  This was definitely sounding like a lecture shaping up instead of a testimonial as to what a fine job I had been doing. While I could make time for a chat and would always take time for "atta boys," I was in no mood to have my shortcomings expounded upon.

  "What's done is done, and hindsight is academic," I said briskly, cutting short the casino conversation. "What was it you wanted to see me about?"

  I almost started fidgeting with the paper on my desk to press the point home that I was busy, but remembered in time that they were the casino financial reports... definitely not the way to draw conversation away from that particular subject.

  "Oh, nothing much," Aahz shrugged. "I was just heading out on a little assignment and thought you might want to tag along."

  "An assignment? I haven't given you an assignment."

  I regretted the words as soon as I said them. Not only did they sound bureaucratic, they underscored the fact that I hadn't been finding any
work for Aahz, despite our heavy work load.

  My old mentor never batted an eye at the faux pas.

  "It's not really an assignment. More a busman's holiday. I was going to do a little work on my own time. A favor for a friend who can't afford our normal fees."

  I should have been suspicious right then. If I'm at all money-grubbing, it rubbed off from Aahz during our association. Anytime Aahz starts talking about giving something away that we could sell, like our time, I should know there's something afoot.

  "Gee, Aahz, I don't think I could take the time. I've been really busy."

  "... Levitating pencils and checking for embezzlement of funds that are all gravy anyway?"

  His attempt at an innocent smile was short enough of the mark to be a deliberate botch.

  "C'mon, Aahz. That's not fair. I have been working hard. I just need a break once in a while. That's all."

  "My point precisely," my partner said, springing his trap. "It's about time you got out of this office and out in the field before you become a permanent part of that chair. You don't want to get too far out of touch with the troops, you know, and this little chore is just the thing to remind you what it's like to be on assignment."

  I could feel myself being outflanked the longer he talked. In desperation, I held up a hand.

  "All right, all right. Tell me about it. Who is this friend of yours?"

  "Actually, he's more of an acquaintance. You know him too. Remember Quigley?"

  " Quigley? Demon hunter turned magician? That Quigley?"

  Aahz nodded vigorously.

  "That's the one. It seems he's got a problem he's not up to handling himself... which isn't surprising, somehow. I thought you might be interested in lending a hand, since we were the ones who set him up for it."

  Check and mate.

  "Okay, Aahz," I said, looking mournfully at the unfinished work on my desk. "Just let me clear a few things with Bunny, and I'll be right with you."

  Aahz's Tale

  JAHK HADN'T CHANGED MUCH from our last visit, but then these off-the-beaten-track dimensions seldom do. We were traveling in disguise, which we Pervects have gotten into the habit of doing when visiting a dimension we've been to before, and the Kid picked up the trick from me. You see, contrary to popular belief, Pervects don't like to fight all the time, and the second time through a dimension we usually end up in a fight with anyone who recognizes us and figures they're better prepared than the first meeting. This only confirms the belief we hold on Perv that the rest of the dimensions are antisocial and we'd best swing first to get the surprise advantage, not to mention doing our best to discourage off-dimension visitors whenever possible. Our dimension is unpleasant enough without having strange riffraff drifting through stirring up trouble.

  Of course, being a Pervect wasn't the only reason certain citizens of Jahk might want to hang our scalps out to dry. The last time we passed through here, we stirred things up pretty well with our surprise entry into their Big Game. As old and cynical as I may be, I have to smile when I think of the havoc we wreaked then.

  "How long do you think this problem of Quigley's is going to take, Aahz?" Skeeve said, breaking into my wandering thoughts.

  "I really don't know," I shrugged. "I imagine we'll have a better idea once he fills us in on exactly what the problem is."

  The Kid stopped in his tracks and scowled at me.

  "You mean you agreed to help without knowing what you were volunteering for? Then how did you know we set him up for it?"

  Even though Skeeve's proved himself many times over to be a fast learner, there are still times when he can be dense to the point of being exasperating.

  "What was Quigley doing when we first met him?"

  "He was a demon hunter. Why?"

  "And what's he doing now?"

  "Last thing we heard, he was holding down a job as Court Magician for Ta-hoe."

  "Now what do you suppose prompted him to take up magik for a living instead of sword-swinging?"

  "Oh."

  He looked a bit crestfallen for a few moments but rallied back gamely.

  "I still think you should have found out what the problem was. Once we're in there, there's no telling how long it's going to take, and I can't be away from the office too long. I'm really busy these days."

  "Well, then," I smiled, "we should probably be hooking up with him ASAP instead of standing here in the street arguing."

  The Kid rolled his eyes melodramatically and set off marching down the road again.

  Skeeve has changed a lot in the years I've worked with him. When we first met, he was a kid. Now, he's a young man... even though I still tend to think of him as "the Kid." Old habits die hard. He's grown from a gangly boy into a youth who has to shave... even though it's only necessary occasionally, so he tends to forget until Bunny reminds him. Even more astonishing is how much he's gained in confidence and poise to a point where he's acquired a certain amount of style. All in all, it's been interesting watching my young charge develop over the last few years. I just wish I felt better about the directions he's been developing in.

  You see, Skeeve's most endearing trademark has always been that he cared for people... really cared. Whether it was his feeling for Garkin when his old teacher died, even though my colleague never really gave the Kid a fair shake as a student, or the lengths he went to to bolster Ajax's sagging ego when the old Archer was doubting his own value in a fight, Skeeve has always had an unerring ability to see the good in people and act accordingly. That's a lot of why I stuck around to work with him ... as much to learn as to teach.

  Lately, however, things seem to be changing. Ever since he has taken the slot as president of our corporation, Skeeve seems to be worrying more and more about business and less and less about people. The others may not have noticed it. Bunny and Tananda have been so busy trying to one-up each other they wouldn't notice if a brass band marched through the room, and Chumley's had his hands full just keeping them apart. Massha and the hoods are big on blind loyalty. They'd probably follow Skeeve right off a cliff without thinking twice or asking question one. Then again, they haven't known him as long or as well as I have and may simply think his current behavior is normal. To me, however, it represents a major change.

  This whole casino purchase thing is just one example. The Skeeve I've known would have insisted that Hysterium know all the facts before signing the contract, or at least given him a more generous price for his efforts. Instead, we were treated to a display of opportunism that would make a hardened Deveel haggler envious.

  Now, you all know that I have nothing against making a profit, especially a sinfully large one... but that's me. Skeeve is supposed to be the counterbalancing humanitarian. While I've been learning about people from him, I'm afraid he's been absorbing the wrong lessons from me ... or the right one too well.

  Anyway, that's why I didn't chuck Quigley's letter in the wastebasket when it got forwarded to us at the Bazaar. I figured it would give me some time alone with Skeeve to find out whether I was just being a Nervous Nelly, or if there was really something to worry about.. So far, I was leaning toward the latter.

  Fortunately, Quigley hadn't moved. As impatient as the Kid was being, I was afraid he'd back out of the whole deal if we had to take extra time just to run him down. Our knock was answered with a cautious eye appearing at the crack of the door as it opened slightly.

  "Oh! I was hoping... that is, I was expecting... Can I help you gentlemen?"

  We had seen the "old man" disguise before, so there was no doubt that it was really Quigley peering out at us.

  "It's us, Quigley," the Kid said briskly before I could even say "Hi." "Will you let us in, or should we just go home?"

  "Skeeve? Oh, thank goodness. Certainly... come right in."

  I personally thought Skeeve was being a bit abrupt, and Quigley's fawning over him wasn't going to improve his manners at all.

  "Sorry for the reception," the magician said, herding us inside, "
but I was afraid it might be, one of my creditors."

  As he closed the door, Quigley let his disguise spell drop ... too much effort to maintain, I guess. Viewing his true appearance, I was slightly shocked.

  The years had not been kind to our old ally. There were strain marks etched deeply into his face that hadn't been there when we were here before. The place itself seemed the worse for wear. The walls needed painting badly ... or at least washing, and the furnishings showed signs of being repaired instead of replaced.

  "This place is a dump!" Skeeve observed with his newfound lack of diplomacy. "Really, Quigley. If you won't think of yourself, think of the profession. How are people supposed to respect magicians if they see one of them living like this?"

  "Ease up, partner," I said softly. "We can't all own casinos. Some of us have had to live in broken-down shacks in the forest... or even sleep under trees on the open road."

  That earned me a sharp glance, but Quigley intervened.

  "No, Skeeve's right. All I can say is that I've tried. That's part of what's gotten me into the mess I'm in. I've overextended my credit trying to keep up a good front, and now it's catching up with me."

  "Gee, Quigley, if that's your only problem we can take care of it in no time at all. We can arrange a quick consolidation loan to get the wolves off your back... with a slight interest charge, of course. Right, Aahz?"

  The possibility of a fast resolution of the problem seemed to brighten Skeeve's mood immensely. I was almost tempted to go along with it, but I had the feeling there was more to the situation than was meeting the eye.

  "I dunno, Skeeve. I think I'd like to hear a little more about exactly what the problem is, if it's all right with you."

  "C'mon, Aahz. Let's just settle his accounts and split. If we hurry, we can be back at the office by lunch."

  While I had tried to be patient, even promised myself to be, his wheedling tones finally got to me.