Loving Graham

by Kenna Knight

  What I didn’t understand is how he became agoraphobic. I did a little research on it when I started to suspect that’s what he suffered from and most cases start with a traumatic event. Ben has never shared any traumatic events from his past with me. Maybe now that we are meeting in person, he will feel more comfortable doing that.

  “Here ya go, nice place. I’ve never taken anyone to this area before, it’s swanky,” Dan, the Uber driver, says, when he pulls into the driveway.

  “It’s my first time, too. I’m visiting a friend.”

  “Cool, have a great time, man,” he says.

  “I will,” I say stepping out of the SUV and grabbing my bag. I watch as he drives away, and then I turn to face the modern contemporary house with its clean white lines and floor-to-ceiling windows. There is a path lined with white lights that leads to the front doors. I follow it rolling my suitcase behind me and ring the bell.

  I can see straight into the house through the floor-to-ceiling windows on my right. It’s an open concept with the living room flowing seamlessly into a dining area and then into the kitchen. The lights are on in the kitchen, but the glow of the television is the only thing lighting the living room.

  Someone sitting on the couch stands up and walks through the room, but I can’t see his face. The light in the kitchen makes a halo effect around his body that reminds me of a movie I watched when I was a kid about angels helping mortals who were in trouble on earth. I loved that movie.

  I assume the man unlocking the door is Ben. He told me his aunt was single, and she didn’t bring her dates home with her. The porch light turns on over my head, and the door opens. I expect Ben to be standing there greeting me, but what I see confuses the hell out of me instead.

  It’s been almost ten years, but I would recognize those hazel eyes with their flecks of gold anywhere. “Noah?”

  “Liam, God, it’s so good to see you, part of me didn’t believe you would come.”

  “What, what are you doing here? This is Ben’s…” That’s when it hits me, Ben, Noah Benjamin Miller. Ben is Noah and Noah is Ben. He used his middle name to hide his identity without actually lying about it, but why?

  “I’m sorry, Liam. I know that shouldn’t be the first words I say to you after all these years, but I am.”

  “Why?” I stand my bag next to me and push my hands through my hair taking a step back. He steps forward following me, but I hold out a hand to stop him. “No, I need to understand what’s going on, Noah.”

  “Come inside and sit down, let me explain.” I look back into his eyes, the eyes I’ve missed for so long, the eyes that were so cruelly stolen from me by a pig–headed, closed-minded man who couldn’t open his heart to love his only son.

  “Okay,” I agree and follow him into the house to the living room where he takes my suitcase and parks it by the door and leads me to the couch. I sit down on the edge of a cushion and prop my arms on my knees.

  “Can I get you something to drink?” he asks.

  “No, I’m fine. Would you just explain what’s going on, please?”

  “Yes, of course.” He sits next to me at a diagonal so that our knees are almost touching. “I’ll start by telling you why I didn’t reveal myself until now.”

  “That would be an excellent place to start,” I snap not meaning to sound as sharp as I do.

  He hesitates and begins by taking a deep breath and blowing it out. “Okay, so it was about six months ago when I started suspecting that I knew who you were. I fought with myself about just asking you outright, but I was afraid I would lose you if you knew it was me on the other end of our conversations.”

  “Why would you think that? I have wondered and worried about what happened to you for almost ten years. My God, Noah, you disappeared off the face of the earth after those motherfuckers hurt you. Your mom and dad wouldn’t tell me where you went or if you were okay. We were all worried sick.”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t know what else I can say. They sent me here, and the pain of losing my parents and being cut off from my friends was too much. I thought a clean cut from everyone was the best way to move on. I was hurting so much that I fell into a deep depression. It took me years to dig myself out of that, and by the time I did, everyone had moved on.”

  I shut my eyes tight and feel a deep groove forming between them when I frown. “I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell me who you were.” I feel his hand touch my knee, and I open my eyes.

  “I’m not the person I used to be, Liam. I live in my tiny secluded world hiding behind a computer. I don’t live a life, I exist within it, or I did until I found you. I know you’ve only been here a few minutes, and you’re still reeling from the surprise but look at me. I’m half the man I used to be, physically. I’m pale and out of shape, and until a week ago, I had dark circles under my eyes. I didn’t think you would be attracted to this version of me.”

  “So why did you keep talking to me, why lie about who you were and lure me here under false pretenses? And by the way, you should have let me be the one to decide whether or not I was attracted to you.”

  He removes his hand from my knee and looks down at his feet. “I missed you so much. You were my best friend, sometimes my only friend. I thought we could just have an online relationship, but the more we talked, the more of you I wanted until I couldn’t help but make plans to see you.”

  Now that I can understand, we had been best friends on the cusp of being more when he was sent away. I missed him, too, so much.

  “And I swear I didn’t lure you here under false pretenses. I wanted you to come so I could tell you the truth about who I am in person. I’m sorry.”

  “Stop. Stop apologizing. I don’t mean to make you the villain in all of this. You’ve been through enough. It’s just a shock to think you’re one person and find out you’re somebody else, somebody that I have missed so much over the years that it hurt to even think of you.”

  “It did? You missed me, too?”

  It’s my turn to reach out and take his hand, “Yes, Noah, hell yes. I was devastated when you never contacted me. I begged your parents to tell me where you were, but all they would say is that you went to live with your Aunt Cora. I didn’t even think you had an Aunt Cora. I was afraid they dumped you in a homeless shelter or worse, just dumped you.”

  “They were respecting my wishes, for once.” He leans back on the couch with a snort. “They probably thought I was going to poison my friends with my gayism.”

  I chuckle. “Your gayism? Is that even a word?”

  “I don’t know, but my dad thought being gay was a disease that could be cured by sending me to live with my mom’s sister, the shrink. What he didn’t know is that my aunt didn’t live in the dark ages as he did. They probably saved my life by sending me here. Between the two of them, I would have run away or… worse. Aunt Kitty supports me, and she loves me unconditionally.”

  “Did I hear you say Aunt Kitty is great and wonderful and all knowing?” a woman’s voice says from the kitchen. Noah laughs and motions her to come into the living room.

  “I don’t know if I said those exact words, but I wouldn’t disagree with that description of you,” he says, standing when she enters the room.

  “Kitty, I want you to meet Liam Stone. Liam, this is my Aunt Kitty.”

  I stand and reach out to shake her hand. “It’s nice to finally meet you,” I say. She looks at my outreached hand and shakes her head.

  “Oh no you don’t, you’re getting the full Aunt Kitty experience, Liam. Anyone who can get my boy to go outside and sit in the sun and take up photography again deserves a hug.” She closes the distance between us before I can blink and engulfs me in her arms squeezing me tighter than any woman her size should be able to.

  When she releases me, she kisses my cheek and holds me at arm’s length while I pull oxygen back into my lungs. “My Lord, Noah, you didn’t tell me he was this handsome. Just look at all these muscles and this five o’clock shadow. You
belong on the front of GQ Magazine instead of Capitol Hill.”

  I laugh, and Noah steps in between us removing her arms from my biceps. “That’s enough. He’s mine, and you can’t have him.” He guides her toward a hallway at the back of the house and calls over his shoulder, “I love her, but she’s a terrible flirt. Say good night, Kitty.”

  “Goodnight!” she calls out waving a hand over her head as he practically pushes her out of the room. His misplaced jealousy makes me smile and my heart swell. I don’t remember him ever being so assertive when we were growing up.

  I hear a door close, and he appears in the kitchen. He places his hands wide apart on the marble-topped island and leans forward capturing my eyes.

  “I’m yours?” I ask with a smile.

  “Well, I hope you are. You’re definitely not hers, that’s for sure.”

  I laugh and make my way to him. “She’s great. I like her a lot.”

  “That’s because she thinks you’re a hunk.”

  “She’s very perceptive, and she has good taste.”

  “I see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.” His eyes are full of playfulness and life. I can’t believe this is the man who can’t leave the house.

  “Are you hungry or do you want to get to bed?” he asks when I take a seat on one of the bar stools at the island. I consider responding inappropriately, but I hold my tongue. Everything feels strange now. I know this man well, we grew up together, but I’m still having trouble separating Ben from Noah in my mind. I don’t know how much to flirt, how much touching is allowed, can I, should I kiss him as I had planned on doing before I knew Ben was really Noah?

  “I’m fine. It’s late, and I don’t want you to cook. Let’s just talk.”

  “I can order out if you change your mind. How about a beer or a glass of wine?”

  “A beer sounds great.”

  He turns to open the refrigerator, takes out a Blue Moon, and slides it across the island. He remembered my favorite beer, nice touch.

  “Blue Moon?” I say holding up the bottle.

  “I’ve taken meticulous notes on your likes and dislikes over the past year. Tomorrow morning we are having steak and eggs for breakfast, and then we’re going to the aquarium.”

  I love steak and eggs, and I love aquariums, but I’m confused about the going part of his plan.

  “Going? Are you planning on leaving the house?”

  “I am if you’ll help me.”

  “I have no idea what to do.”

  “Just be there for me, bring me home if I panic, don’t let me take too many meds.”

  “That sounds like a pretty big responsibility, not sure I’m qualified for that.”

  “You are the most qualified person on earth, well other than Aunt Kitty, that is.”

  “Yeah, she seems pretty great,” I say looking down the hall where she disappeared not ten minutes ago. “Are you sure about all this? I don’t want you to think just because I’m here that you have to go out. I knew what I was getting into when we made these plans, and I’m fine hanging out here if that’s what you need.”

  “What I need is you, and I’m ready to start living again. I want what we have to continue, and I can’t ask you to date someone who can’t leave the house.”

  He wants what we have to continue, and he’s willing to try conquering his biggest fears for me. That sounds just like the old Noah, the Noah I started loving before he disappeared. “Yeah, I want those things, too, just don’t push yourself too hard, okay? The way your aunt talks, going out in the backyard is a pretty huge deal. Maybe we should start with walks around the block or something instead of going to the aquarium?”

  He looks out through a wall of glass in the kitchen into the dark. “Yeah, maybe you’re right. I can’t remember what the neighborhood looks like. A walk sounds like a good place to start. Maybe we can do the aquarium later in the week?”

  “If you’re up for it, sure; if not, don’t worry about it. You should bring your camera tomorrow. There’s got to be some great things to take pictures of around here, it’s a beautiful neighborhood.”

  “It is, Kitty bought this house a year after I moved down here. She wanted me to have my own room and more space. She had been saving for a long time thinking she would meet Mr. Right and get married, buy a house, and fill it with lots of babies. When that didn’t happen, she adopted me as her own in a roundabout way.”

  “You’re lucky. I know you probably didn’t think so when your parents moved you here, but it turned out for the best. They weren’t good for you, Noah. They would have ruined your spirit.”

  He sucks his full bottom lip between his teeth, and it makes me want to yank him over the island and kiss him breathless. “They did ruin my spirit. When they banished me from my home, I felt unlovable. I mean, parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally, and they made it clear they could only love me if I were straight.”

  “I’m glad they sent you to live here. I mean, ideally, it would have been better if they could have accepted you for who you were, of course. But when they couldn’t, at least they sent you to live with someone who would love and care for you.”

  “I forgot about that.”

  “About what?”

  “Liam, the eternal optimist, the glass was always half full with you.”

  I raise my bottle of beer to my lips and consider his comment while I drink. I guess he’s right. I do try to look at the positive in things, always have. “I believe there’s good in everything, what can I say?”

  He smiles a see what I mean smile and takes a drink of his beer. “Hey, do you want to go for a swim before bed? The pool’s heated.”

  “Are you coming, too?” I ask, unsure of what all he has been doing outside this past week.

  “Yeah, just don’t look at my scrawny legs. My high school track days of lean muscular legs are long gone.”

  “You said you started running again, didn’t you?”

  “Yeah, but only for a week.”

  “That’s a week more than you ran last week.”

  He rolls his eyes, “There’s that half-full glass again.”

  “Better than half empty.”

  “All right, all right, buddy, you ready to swim?”

  “Sure.”

  “Come on then. I’ll show you your room, and you can change.”

  “What, no skinny dipping?” I ask winking and tipping my bottle toward him.

  “Not tonight. I’m so skinny it literally would be skinny dipping.”

  “Stop, I don’t like it when you put my boyfriend down.”

  He freezes with his bottle of beer half way to his mouth and looks at me intently.

  “So you forgive me for not revealing who I am sooner?” he asks.

  “I do. I still don’t like your reasoning, but I’ll find a way around it. You can tell me anything, just like when we were kids, okay? No more secrets.”

  “No more secrets, I promise.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Noah – First Kiss

  I’m going swimming. I can’t remember the last time I was in a pool. I don’t even have swimming trunks anymore, so I’m improvising with a pair of shorts. And I’m going to see Liam without a shirt. I can already tell he has filled out in all the right places over the years. His form-fitting Henley shirt let me in on that secret right away.

  One look at him here in my house in the flesh, and I was hard as a rock. I’m glad we had the kitchen island between us most of the time we were talking, or I would have made a fool of myself.

  I stand at the back door with my hand on the knob for a few minutes before I go outside. With my eyes closed, I twist the knob and open the door at the same time Liam strolls into the kitchen wearing only his swimming trunks.

  I see him first in the reflection of the glass, and he is spectacular—the perfect man for me, the only man for me. If this thing with Liam doesn’t work out, I’m never dating again. He is it, and no one can compare, ever.

  “Y
ou ready?” I ask turning to face him. The sight of him right in front of me is stronger than it was through the glass.

  “Yeah,” he says reaching out to touch my cheek with the tips of his fingers. I instinctively turn my face into his hand and shut my eyes. “Noah, open your eyes.”

  I do as he asks, and when I do, he speaks to me in a kind yet authoritative voice. “I was going to wait to do this when I thought you were someone I only met online a year ago. But since you’re you, and we have known each other since we were five, and I have wanted to do this since I was nine, I’m going to do it.

  His hand slides from my cheek around to the back of my neck where his fingers thread in my longish hair. He pulls me toward him and lowers his mouth over mine at the same time. I was worried he would be upset with me for keeping my identity a secret. I worried he wouldn’t be attracted to me. I worried he would think I was crazy, but here he is kissing me an hour after he arrived.

  His lips are warm and soft, exactly the way I imagined they would be. He doesn’t take it any further than lips on lips, and I don’t care. I could die right now and be satisfied with that kiss because it’s the only one I’ve ever received like it from anyone ever.

  I am a virgin in more ways than one, but I can now scratch being a virgin kisser off of my long list of things I’ve never experienced. Liam has claimed my mouth for the first time, and God willing, not the last.

  The world falls away when his other hand slides around my waist and steers me closer to his bare chest, and a rush of adrenaline flows through me as if someone injected it into an artery. My hands are hanging at my sides limp and lifeless unsure of what they should do or where they should be, and before I can determine either of those things, he ends the kiss.

  He doesn’t move away. I can feel his breath on my lips and the heat of his skin coming off of his body, but I can’t bring myself to open my eyes because that will mean it’s over.