Loving Graham

by Kenna Knight

  Being young and inexperienced, we didn’t grab that golden ring and hold onto it for dear life as we should have. So many things would have been different. So many things would have been better.

  No more looking back, it’s time to move forward. I have a week with Noah, one week to open his eyes and help him live his life instead of simply existing within the walls of his aunt’s house.

  A knock at my door jolts me out of my thoughts. “Are you one of those people who takes forever to get ready to do even the most mundane things?” Noah says through the door.

  I smile thinking that Bianca would have a field day with that comment. I open the door wearing khaki shorts, a white V-neck t-shirt, and pristine white Sperrys.

  “Yes, I am. And furthermore, I always have been. You don’t remember that about me?” He looks me up and down, and when his eyes return to mine, he is amused.

  “It’s all coming back to me now. Do you still use a ton of products in your hair?”

  “I do. I even use a special skin care system, and I also iron creases in my clothes.” I place my hand on my hip and slide the other up the door jamb as I lean forward until we are nose to nose, and I whisper, “You like it?”

  I observe his reaction. He blinks twice, swallows with effort, and licks his lips almost simultaneously. I’m about to kiss him when I hear Kitty come into the kitchen rustling bags and humming Elton John’s ‘Tiny Dancer.’

  Noah and I turn to look down the hall, and she stops short when she sees us, removes her sunglasses and points them at us, “That right there, Noah, looks like hanky panky in case Liam didn’t explain it to you.”

  “I, uh, no, he did, that was fast. What did you get?” he says trying valiantly to recover from almost being caught in the act of hanky panky.

  He turns to me and rolls his eyes, and I can’t help but laugh. I make a mental note that he is most adorable when he is flustered so I can make sure I fluster him often.

  We sit down and enjoy ham and cheese sandwiches on buttery croissants, freshly made lemon bars, and a garden salad with a delicious house dressing that makes my mouth sing. We chat about everything from the weather in Washington, D.C. to Noah’s latest graphic design job until we are ready to head out to the aquarium.

  “Let me clean up, it’s the least I can do,” I say standing to gather the wrappers and containers from the table.

  “Oh, nonsense, you’re my guest, and you’re on vacation. I can’t let you work,” Kitty says taking the trash out of my hands. “You two go into the garage and figure out which car you want to drive to the aquarium.”

  My lips part, and I turn to Noah, “Which car? How many are there?”

  He harrumphs and waves his hand toward the garage. “You’ll have to go and see for yourself.”

  I’m intrigued since I’ve never known a woman who was into collecting cars. When Noah opens the door, my jaw hits the floor. Stretched out in front of me is a five-stall garage that is wide enough to house two cars in each stall, making it a ten-car garage. And each stall has a car parked in it.

  “What in the hell?” I say under my breath.

  “She inherited most of them from her father, but don’t let her fool you, she’s bought a lot of them herself. She likes cars.”

  “All these cars and you never leave the house?” I say not even thinking about how insensitive my remark is.

  “Yeah, I know, crazy, huh?”

  I take hold of his hand to get his attention. He turns, and I try to dig myself out of a hole. “I’m sorry, that didn’t come out right, or maybe it did, and I’m just an ass.”

  “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m tougher than I look, no offense taken. It’s a very good point. If I conquer my fears, I’ll have awesome cars to drive around Miami.”

  “Maybe we should stay home. If you figure out how gorgeous Miami is and start cruising around in a Mercedes convertible, some hot man is going to snatch you up and make you his.”

  “Not unless his name is Liam Stone, and he’s wearing shoes so white you can see them from space,” he says with a wink.

  Now, I’m a strong willed, preppy, control freak who likes to make a man blush, but that wink… Oh, that wink just turned my insides to mush and made my cock twitch in my khakis.

  I cross my arms over my chest and lift my hand to my chin studying him for a moment.

  “What? You look like you’re going to eat me alive.”

  “Do, not, tempt, me. I’m not sure your aunt would think I was such a polite house guest if I did what I’m thinking about doing to you right now while she’s still home.”

  “Okay, okay, I give. I don’t know what prompted that, but I will be researching later so I can do it again.”

  “You’re a tease.”

  “I am? Wow, I never thought I’d be considered a tease, a wallflower maybe but not a tease.”

  “That’s because you only had online relationships. If those guys knew you in person, they would have called you a tease, too.”

  “So, what are we driving, boys?” Kitty says opening the garage door with her purse slung over her shoulder.

  “We haven’t chosen, we got a little distracted, sorry. You pick, Liam, you’re the guest,” Noah says.

  “Is there any car you feel more comfortable in?” I ask. I have no idea when his anxiety about leaving the house will be triggered or what will trigger it, but I figure being comfortable in the car would help.

  “Nope, just pick.”

  I gaze out over the fleet of cars and decide the black Jaguar looks good, and it’s not parked in, so we won’t have to move any cars to get out of the garage. “Black Jag.”

  “Oooh, that’s one of my favorites.” Kitty claps her hands in front of her like a little kid going to Disney World.

  “Good choice, I’ve never ridden in that one,” Noah says, and Aunt Kitty is off weaving through the cars on her way to the Jag.

  “You ready for this?” I ask turning to face Noah.

  “Yes, I know this might sound strange, but since you arrived, I have felt more normal than I have in years. I’m not even apprehensive about leaving.”

  I’m glad my presence is having a positive effect on him. I hope he’s not putting on a front for me. I don’t know how to deal with any of this but following his lead feels right.

  I reach out and take his hand, and he gives me a look like I’m over exaggerating the situation. He takes it just the same and pulls me down the steps to follow his aunt.

  When we arrive at the car, Kitty is behind the wheel pressing the garage door opener. “Do you want the front or do you want me to sit in the back with you?” I ask.

  “Sit with me in back, it’ll make Kitty crazy, but I think it will help to have you close.”

  He rounds the back of the car and enters through the passenger side back door while I enter through the driver side back door. “Oh, so I get to be Chauffeur Kitty today, do I?” she says looking at us with narrowed eyes in the rearview mirror.

  “Told you,” Noah says nudging me with his elbow and scooting closer. “I need to hold his hand, Aunt Kitty. You understand, don’t you?”

  “Mmm hmm, what I understand is that you want to snuggle with your boyfriend instead of chatting with your favorite aunt. That’s fine, do what you want, but I have full control of the radio stations up here, remember that.”

  Noah cringes. “That’s almost worth moving to the front seat. She has awful taste in music.”

  “I most certainly do not. I like country music. Everybody likes country music except you.”

  “Well, actually, he’s not the only one, but I’m willing to listen to whatever you like, Kitty,” I say. I despise country music—it’s depressing and unrealistic—all those sad cowboys losing their girlfriend or their house or their dog. I never understood it.

  “Suck up,” Noah says under his breath.

  “Oh hush, Noah. He’s polite, and that’s not sucking up.”

  “It is in my book,” he says.

 
“Well you put your book away then, it’s time to go. Seatbelts?” she asks adjusting her mirrors and trading her glasses for sunglasses.

  “Yep,” we say in unison.

  “All right then, let’s go.”

  Noah squeezes my hand hard when we pull out of the garage, and I wonder if he is not as at ease with the whole leaving the house thing as he wanted me to think.

  “Did you bring your camera?” I ask trying to distract him. We are a good distance away from the house at this point, and he has a thin sheen of sweat forming on his forehead even though Kitty has the car’s air conditioning turned up to arctic levels.

  “I, uh, um, yeah. You have my camera, don’t you, Kitty?” he asks leaning forward between the front seats.

  “Yep, it’s riding shot gun since you two won’t sit up here with me.”

  He slides back on the seat resting his head against the seat and takes a deep breath. “You doing okay?”

  “This is harder than I thought. The further we get away from the house, the more I want to go back.”

  “That’s because the house is your security blanket, dear. We’re going to leave it behind today for a while, but just remember, it will be there when we get back. You will always have a home with me, nothing will change that,” Kitty says.

  Thank God Dr. Kitty showed up to save the day because I was starting to panic myself. I like the way she speaks to him in a soothing, reassuring voice, and the analogy she used makes perfect sense.

  Noah is afraid of being uprooted and abandoned. That must be why he doesn’t leave the house. After being thrown out and disowned by his parents, it’s a very plausible, genuine fear.

  “My heart knows that, Kitty, but my mind doesn’t want to cooperate.” Noah is panting now and gripping the seat with one hand and crushing mine with the other.

  “I’m going to pull over and give you something to help you relax. I know you said you wanted to try it without medication, but I think now’s the time to rethink that.”

  I pull Noah against me, and he wraps himself around me burying his face in my chest. I rub his back and kiss the top of his head while telling him it will be okay when I have no idea if it will.

  The medication thing sounds like a good idea, though. Kitty pulls into a gas station parking lot and passes a bottle of water and a pill to me over the seat.

  “Noah, sit up for a second and take this bottle of water. I can’t open it with one hand,” I say, and he does as I ask. He opens the bottle, takes the pill with his shaky hand, and pops into his mouth. When he has swallowed it down, he passes the water bottle back to Kitty. “Thanks,” he says to her, but it doesn’t sound genuine, it’s borderline sarcastic.

  “Noah, I never said I told you so, and I never will. I applaud you for trying to go it alone. You did a great job. We’re half way there already.”

  “I know, I’m pissed at myself, not you,” he says closing his eyes and resting his head against the seat.

  “I understand. You tell me when you’re ready, and we will continue,” she says.

  Noah opens one eye and looks at me, “Sorry you got yourself into this mess now?” he asks.

  “Nope. I spent nine years wishing I could help you, and I never thought I’d get the chance. As much as it hurts me to see you suffering like this, I’m glad it’s me by your side helping you and not someone else.”

  “There’s no one else I’d rather have, and there’s no one else I would do this for.”

  I don’t care if his aunt is here or not, I need to kiss him. I lean over him and press my mouth on his softly. It’s a reassuring kiss—a kiss that says everything will be all right—and most of all, it’s a kiss that says I’m never leaving you again. I don’t know how I’m going to make that last part happen, but I will.

  When I move away, he says to Kitty, “I’m ready now,” without ever taking his eyes off of mine.

  “All righty then, let’s move ‘em out,” she says pulling out of our parking spot. The rest of the drive to the aquarium is quiet. Noah rests his head on my shoulder, and his breathing slows. Whatever Kitty gave him works fast and well, he seems at peace, and his anxiety is all but gone.

  If we can get through the rest of the day without another hiccup like this one, Noah might be well on his way to recovery. And no one wants that more than I do.

  I want to take him home, reunite him with Bianca, and show him Washington, D.C., and I want to do it soon. I already can’t imagine going back home and leaving him here. We wasted nine years being apart. I won’t let that happen again.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Noah – My Lifeline

  When we arrive at the aquarium, the bells and whistles that were going off in my head at the gas station are quiet. It was embarrassing breaking down like that in front of Liam. I was sure I would be fine with no meds. I wasn’t lying when I told him I felt normal in the garage before we left.

  He makes me feel like I did back home when we would hang out on the weekends. Except now we’re open about our feelings, and that is amazing. I love holding his warm, perfectly-manicured hand in mine. Liam is my metrosexual man. He looks like a model ninety-nine percent of the time. Even today with his bed head and morning breath, he looked like a god to me.

  “Noah, we’re here,” Liam says nudging me. I lift my drowsy head off of his shoulder and blink several times. This is why I don’t like the meds—they make me sleepy. The benefits outweigh the risks today, though, ten to one. I’ll suffer through the fog to be out in public with Liam.

  “Mmm, okay,” I say sitting up and looking around. The parking lot is packed. It’s the weekend—maybe this wasn’t the best day to do this after all. Too late, we are here, and I’m not disappointing my man.

  Liam and Kitty open their doors and step out, but Liam bends down with one arm on the door and the other on top of the car to look in at me. “Need some help?” he asks.

  “Nah, I’m coming.” I scoot across the seat, and he stands up offering me his hand. I take it and let him help me out of the car even though I just told him I didn’t need it.

  “It’s so beautiful here,” he says, gazing out past the aquarium building to the ocean. “It’s probably below zero in D.C. today.”

  “It’s never that cold here. That was the best thing about being shipped out of Ohio, no more brutal winters.”

  “Hey, I thought I was the best thing about leaving Ohio?” Kitty says pointing her thumb at herself.

  “You’re right, you are much more important than the weather, Aunt Kitty. I love you, and I thank you.” I have thanked her for taking me in every single day since arriving on her doorstep nine years ago, and I have also told her I loved her as many times if not more.

  She waves her hand at me dismissively like she always does when I gush over her. “Oh stop, you’ll make me blush. Come on, let’s go see some fish.”

  Liam laces his fingers with mine and gives my hand a squeeze before we start walking. Every time he touches me, I get all fluttery inside. I like the feeling, but it’s also kind of weird. I like routine, schedules, and things that are familiar. The things I’ve felt when I’m with him aren’t routine or familiar, they are far from it.

  He throws me off my axis and sets me on fire all at once. I love Liam Stone. I know we’ve only been doing the online dating thing for a year, but we have been friends since we were little, and I think I loved him even then.

  As we approach the entrance, my heart starts to beat faster. The fear of the unknown is what scares me most about being out in public. I worry about the way people will react when they see Liam and me as a couple and not just friends. I’ve never actually come out per se.

  When I came to Florida, I tried to hide that I was gay. My parents made me ashamed of who I was. I lived my life in the closet so much so that it spilled over into every aspect of my life until I was almost living in a closet.

  “It’s going to be okay, just stay close to me and hold my hand, we got this,” Liam whispers in my ear sending a sh
iver down my spine.

  “Thank you. I couldn’t have done this without you.”

  He opens the door for me. I go in first followed by Kitty, but he has my hand again before the door even has a chance to close. “You need to do this for yourself, too, Noah. I’m happy to be the initial catalyst, but this is healthy for you. Don’t do it just for me.”

  “You could be a shrink like Kitty. You sound just like her.”

  “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

  “Damn right you will. I’m an awesome psychiatrist. Couldn’t get this one out of the house, though,” Kitty says her voice filled with regret.

  “It’s not your fault. I was stubborn and unmotivated. I take full responsibility for my actions.”

  “Well, if it took a hot man to get you out of your bedroom, then so be it. I’m not complaining.”

  “Is it wrong that this hot man wants to get you back into your bedroom?” Liam whispers in my ear. Good Lord, he needs to stop doing that, I can’t take it.

  I cup my hand around his ear and whisper back, “Absolutely not, but if you keep whispering in my ear like this, I’m not going to be able to wait until we get home.”

  One side of his mouth turns up in a smirk that lights firecrackers in my belly. He has no idea the effect he has on me. I hope I get to show him soon.

  “Come on, you two love birds,” Kitty says leading us to the counter where she flashes a card, and they let us through the roped-off area of the lobby. “Season passes?” I ask Kitty.

  “Yes, I like the aquarium. It’s usually very peaceful here, not on Saturdays, though, I’m discovering.” She looks at the doors to the different exhibits trying to decide which will be the least crowded. “Let’s see the sharks first. I don’t think it matters where we go, there’s going to be a lot of people. Are you sure you’re okay, Noah?”

  “Yeah, I’m good. I’ll let you know if I’m not.” I’m not good. I’m nervous as hell about being ten miles away from my security blanket called home. And the thought of a gazillion people touching me in a crowded room surrounded by water isn’t comforting.