Shadow Walker

by Connie Mason

  “Me.”

  Dawn went still. “What did you say?”

  “I know I said I’d never marry again, but you’re my responsibility. The only way I can protect you is to marry you myself.”

  Dawn continued to stare at him. He stood proudly naked and unashamed of his nudity. She thought he was the most magnificent man she’d ever seen. Marrying him would be the culmination of all her dreams. But she, better than anyone, knew that dreams seldom came true.

  “I realize now that leaving you with Running Elk would be a mistake,” he explained. “I had no idea things would turn out this way. I’d be leaving you in a dangerous environment and it wouldn’t be right. We’ll be married as soon as we return to civilization. I’ll take you to my sister. She’ll look after you when I leave.”

  “When you leave?” Dawn repeated dully. “And of course you will leave.”

  “I’ll give you my name, Dawn, but don’t expect me to hang around and act like a doting husband. What we have right now is all we’ll ever share. We enjoy each other’s bodies and like one another. We’re lucky to have that much in common.”

  “Lucky, indeed,” Dawn said in a voice taut with anger. “What will I do after you dump me with your sister?”

  Shadow Walker shrugged. “I hadn’t thought that far ahead. Why must you do anything?”

  “No, thank you, but I decline. I’d rather take my chances with Yapping Wolf. At least he wouldn’t be an absentee husband.”

  “You’re refusing me?” Shadow Walker was astounded. “Laughing Brook would jump at the chance to join with me.”

  “Then marry Laughing Brook,” Dawn shot back. “I don’t want you, Shadow Walker. I want all or nothing from the man I marry. A close second behind a dead wife isn’t enough for me. I prefer to marry someone who will give me his whole heart.” She turned away.

  “I told you before my heart is not free to …”

  Dawn walked away without looking back. Her own heart was breaking, but she’d never let Shadow Walker see how much his words had hurt her. She had been married once to a man who didn’t love her and she refused to make the same mistake twice. Perhaps she’d choose Stands Alone for a husband. He mooned over her like a lovesick puppy. At least he wouldn’t dump her with relatives and disappear to pursue a life separate from hers.

  Exasperated, Shadow Walker watched Dawn stalk away. What did she want from him? He’d give her everything she desired except his heart. They were good together in bed. He had just made love to her, and already his body wanted her again. He picked up his breechclout, tied it on and started back to camp. He had no idea what he would do next. He couldn’t protect Dawn if she didn’t want to be protected.

  The weather turned cold. Shadow Walker was forced to don his deerskin shirt and leggings for warmth. It would snow soon. Running Elk had given him a buffalo robe to wear as a wrap when the weather turned bitter. Dawn had finished her tunic and wore it now. Shadow Walker thought she looked fetching in Indian garb. But then, she looked fetching in anything she wore—or didn’t wear.

  Shadow Walker was currying his horse one morning when Running Elk approached to speak with him. “Dawn has agreed to join with Stands Alone,” Running Elk said. “She’s requested that I ask Dream Spinner to name a propitious date for their joining.”

  “Damn her!” Shadow Walker spat from between clenched teeth.

  “Why does that make you angry? I thought it was what you wanted.”

  Shadow Walker gave him a sheepish look. “Of course it’s what I wanted. Dawn has made her choice, I’ll abide by it.” He turned abruptly and walked away before Running Elk saw how deeply he was affected by Dawn’s decision.

  Running Elk smiled knowingly as he watched Shadow Walker stalk away.

  Winter blew in with a vengeance. Most days Dawn huddled in her lodge to escape the bitter cold. She saw little of Shadow Walker these days. Whenever she did see him he was with Laughing Brook. It appeared as if he was courting the widow, and Dawn tried not to care.

  Dawn waited for Dream Spinner to name a date for her joining with Stands Alone. After reading the bones he tossed upon the ground, Dream Spinner named a day that coincided with the full moon, only two weeks away. Running Elk was told, and a feast was planned to celebrate the joining. According to Dawn’s calculations, it would be February 20.

  Despite Shadow Walker’s words about accepting Dawn’s decision, he nevertheless was livid when he heard the news and expressed his anger to Running Elk. “Damn her! She cannot join with Stands Alone! He will not make her happy.”

  “Perhaps I should have advised her to accept Yapping Wolf’s suit,” Running Elk said with restrained levity.

  “You know how I feel about that match.”

  “Did you not bring Dawn here to find a mate from among my people?”

  Shadow Walker gave him a mutinous look. “I’ve changed my mind. There is a dangerous situation brewing on the plains. I prefer to settle Dawn where she will be safe.”

  “You must speak to Dawn. I had no say in her decision.”

  Shadow Walker thought it over and decided to follow Running Elk’s advice. It was time to confront Dawn and talk some sense into her. Living conditions here were more abysmal than he had imagined. Food was scarce, and the cows promised by the government failed to arrive. Shadow Walker went hunting every day with the men but more times than not came back empty-handed. There weren’t enough blankets to go around, and the situation would only grow worse as winter progressed. Even more disheartening was the knowledge that Running Elk planned to join the warring Sioux at the Little Big Horn.

  Huddled in a blanket, Dawn sat in her lodge trying to keep warm. She felt alone and unwanted. In a few days she would be Stands Alone’s wife, and despite his obvious infatuation, she didn’t love him and never would. Damn Shadow Walker! Didn’t he know how much she was hurting? She clutched her stomach, fighting the terrible nausea that had plagued her the past few days. Sometimes it was so bad she went running from the lodge to spew out her guts.

  Dawn sighed despondently. For her, happiness seemed unobtainable. First she had been Billy’s victim, and now she was going to wed a man she didn’t love and live among people with whom she felt no kinship despite her Sioux blood. Suddenly she heard footsteps crunching in the snow. She hoped it wasn’t Stands Alone.

  “Dawn, it’s Shadow Walker. I’d like to speak with you.”

  Dawn stiffened. She hadn’t been alone with Shadow Walker in weeks. She’d watched him pay court to Laughing Brook and died a little inside each time he entered the widow’s lodge. Her stomach gave another lurch, and she gulped back the bile rising in her throat.

  “Is it important? I’m not feeling well.”

  That was all Shadow Walker had to hear to prompt him to burst into the tipi. “You’re ill?” His concern was genuine. “What seems to be the trouble? There’s a doctor on the reservation if you need one.”

  Dawn shook her head. “It’s just a stomach upset, it will pass. What did you wish to talk about?”

  Shadow Walker dropped down beside her. “It’s not too late to tell Stands Alone that you can’t join with him. I’ll speak to him myself if you wish me to.”

  “Why would I want you to do that?” His gaze pierced clear through to her heart. “Because you don’t love him.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “I just know. I was wrong. You don’t belong here.”

  “Where do I belong?”

  Shadow Walker was silent so long Dawn wanted to bash him. There wasn’t a man alive more stubborn than Shadow Walker. She wanted to tell him so, but another need took precedence. Sickness clawed at her gut and she leaped to her feet.

  “Where are you going?”

  Dawn clapped a hand over her mouth and rushed from the lodge. She barely made it to the edge of the woods before losing the contents of her stomach. Afterward, she leaned against a tree, too weak to return to her lodge. She was unaware that Shadow Walker had followed her until he picked her
up and carried her back to her tipi.

  “Do you want to tell me what is going on?” he asked after he set her down on her mat and brought her some water.

  “N … nothing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

  Shadow Walker searched her face, his eyes narrowed thoughtfully. “I’m going to ask you a personal question, Dawn, and I expect a truthful answer.”

  Dawn had no idea what he was talking about.

  “When did you have your last woman’s time? Was it before or after we made love in the woods?”

  Dawn’s eyes widened as comprehension dawned. Her voice faltered. “After,” she lied. She didn’t want a man who didn’t want her.

  “How long have you been vomiting?”

  “Not long.” Another lie.

  “Any other signs? Are your breasts more sensitive than normal?”

  Just this morning Dawn had wondered why her breasts hurt when she was getting dressed. They seemed fuller, too. There was only one way she could answer Shadow Walker’s question. “No, I have no such symptoms.”

  “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”

  “Positive.”

  He dropped down beside her and grasped her shoulders. “Don’t lie, Dawn. If you’re expecting my child, I’ll not let you wed Stands Alone. I won’t have another man raising my child.”

  “Damn you!” She shrugged off his hands. “You don’t want a child any more than you want a wife. You offered me your name but not your love.”

  “You know the reason. I’m not ready to love another.”

  “And I’m not pregnant. My illness is not serious.”

  Shadow Walker didn’t believe her. If she truly was pregnant, time would reveal the truth. But by that time she would be married to Stands Alone. How could one small woman give him so much trouble?

  “Will you tell me if you find you are mistaken?”

  “Why?”

  “Dammit, Dawn, don’t provoke me. If you still insist upon joining with Stands Alone and you are carrying my child, you’d damn well better be prepared to give up your child after you bear him.”

  Having said his last word on the subject, he stormed from the tipi, leaving Dawn with much to think about. Could Shadow Walker take her child from her if indeed she was pregnant? Dawn wondered pensively. Could she pass the child off as Stands Alone’s babe? The answer was a resounding no. Stands Alone was a good man; he didn’t deserve that from her.

  Dawn touched her breasts, testing their sensitivity. She flinched when the twinge of pain told her that Shadow Walker had guessed the truth before she had. All signs pointed to pregnancy. Shadow Walker would be leaving in the spring, about the same time Running Elk took his people to the Little Big Horn. All she had to do was keep her secret to herself until Shadow Walker left.

  Unfortunately, joining with Stands Alone was no longer feasible. Somehow Dawn had to make him believe she wasn’t right for him without revealing her secret. With any luck, her pregnancy wouldn’t show for several months yet. She couldn’t be more than two months along now.

  Dawn sought out Stands Alone the following day. The weather had moderated somewhat and she suggested a walk. He eagerly agreed.

  Shadow Walker watched them stroll toward the river, his face contorted with rage. He wanted to follow but resisted the urge lest it make him appear jealous, which of course he wasn’t. It was just that he took his responsibility for Dawn seriously. Dawn didn’t belong with Stands Alone, and he simply didn’t want her to make a mistake.

  Dawn paused on the path and turned to Stands Alone. He was young, she thought, and would have no trouble finding another woman. “I never meant to hurt you, Stands Alone, but I’ve changed my mind about joining with you.”

  Stands Alone stiffened. “Have you decided to accept Yapping Wolf’s suit?”

  “No, that’s not it at all. I’m not ready to marry again. You know I was married before and that it was an unhappy marriage. My husband abused me physically and mentally.”

  “I would never do that.”

  “I know, but marriage frightens me. I’m sorry. I’m not even sure I will remain with the People. I don’t belong here.”

  “Will you leave with Shadow Walker? He did not seem pleased with our joining.”

  “No,” she returned shortly.

  His handsome face contorted in thought. “I do not understand.”

  Dawn didn’t know what she would do after Shadow Walker left in the spring. Alone and pregnant, her future in the White world was even more dismal. She pondered her situation a long time, wondering if she was wrong not to marry Stands Alone. Indians loved children. Perhaps he would accept Shadow Walker’s babe as his own. Still, that kind of subterfuge didn’t sit well with her. Perhaps she should just have her child and join with Stands Alone afterward if he still wanted her.

  “I wish to wait. If you still want me in a few months, I’ll join with you.”

  Stands Alone’s face lit up. “I will still want you. When you are ready, I will be waiting.”

  Dawn wished she could love Stands Alone. He was young, kindhearted and good-looking. She could do a lot worse. Then she thought of Shadow Walker and wished he wasn’t so stubborn. Many people who lost a mate remarried after their time of mourning. Shadow Walker’s mourning surpassed the bounds of normal behavior. Unfortunately, Shadow Walker couldn’t see that for himself.

  * * *

  “What did you say to Dawn to make her delay her marriage?” Running Elk asked when Shadow Walker stopped by later that evening to talk and smoke.

  “When did she decide that? When I spoke with her last, she was determined to join with Stands Alone. I saw them go off together earlier today.”

  Running Elk filled his lungs with smoke, then slowly blew it out. “She came to me while you were hunting and told me she is not yet ready to take another husband.”

  Shadow Walker accepted the pipe from Running Elk, took a satisfying drag and exhaled slowly. “Did she explain the reason for her decision?” Shadow Walker thought he knew. His gut told him Dawn was pregnant.

  “That was all she said. Stands Alone has vowed to wait for her until she is ready.”

  “He is wasting his time.”

  “Time will tell.”

  The weeks passed with frightening speed. March found Running Elk making preparations for their departure to the Little Big Horn in April. Dawn remained aloof from everyone, guarding her secret zealously. Not even Sun In The Face, with whom she was closest, guessed her condition. The nausea had passed and she showed no other signs of pregnancy, except that her breasts had grown larger. Her stomach was still quite flat and she hoped it would remain so for a few more weeks. She avoided Shadow Walker whenever possible, but she felt his eyes on her as she moved about the camp.

  Dawn feared that he suspected she was pregnant. Fortunately, he had nothing on which to base his suspicions. And she meant to keep it that way. One day Shadow Walker made a special effort to speak to her in private.

  “Running Elk is taking his people to the Little Big Horn soon.”

  “I know.” When Shadow Walker left, she would have no one. “I suppose you are preparing for your journey to Oregon.”

  Shadow Walker gave her an oblique look. “I’ve changed my mind. I’ve decided to accompany Running Elk to the Little Big Horn. I have to try to talk some sense into the leaders there. If I can convince them to disband, a great tragedy will be avoided.”

  Dawn was stunned. “You’re not leaving?”

  “Eventually, I must. But I cannot leave before I try to talk some sense into the chiefs. They have to realize how disastrous a battle will be for them. Even if they win, they will lose.”

  “Is that the only reason?” Dawn asked hopefully.

  “What other reason could there be?”

  Disappointed, Dawn turned away. Why couldn’t Shadow Walker forget Morning Mist and learn to love another woman? It hurt to know that she had nothing to offer a man like Shadow Walker. He had seen her at her worst and certai
nly had no illusions where she was concerned. Her maidenhead had been intact, but little else about her was pure. Shadow Walker knew everything there was to know about her and found her unworthy of his love. It was as simple as that. Why couldn’t she accept it?

  The entire camp was in upheaval. The weather had turned mild for April, and the exodus to the Little Big Horn was to begin the next day. Dawn’s possessions were all packed. She continued to wear her comfortable deerskin tunic, moccasins and leggings instead of her regular clothing. But she had carefully packed the garments she had arrived in, should she need them. Right now, that possibility seemed remote. She had the reward money Shadow Walker had insisted she take, but how long would that meager sum last a woman with a child to support?

  Dawn arose early on the day set aside for their departure. Spring Rain and Sun In The Face arrived to help her dismantle her tipi so it could be loaded on a travois for transporting to their new location. She understood it would take many, many days to reach the Little Big Horn and prepared herself for a long journey. To save wear and tear on the horses, she was told the women and older children would walk the entire distance, and she hoped she would hold up under the grueling march. If Sun In The Face, who was heavily pregnant, could endure it, so could she.

  Shadow Walker stopped by to ask if she was packed and ready to leave. Dawn assured him she was. Then Stands Alone arrived and Shadow Walker left, his face dark as a thundercloud. Stands Alone helped harness her horse and load the dismantled tipi on the travois. Then he left to join the young men of the band, who rode ahead to scout the way.

  Dawn tried not to show her displeasure when she saw Shadow Walker helping Laughing Brook load her travois. A jolt of jealousy pierced her, and she tried to look away, angry with herself when she could not. When Shadow Walker looked her way and saw her watching him, she jerked her head around so fast it made her dizzy. She tottered and clutched her horse’s mane until the dizziness passed.

  Sun In The Face saw and came to her aid. “Are you ill, Dawn?”

  “No, I’m fine. I grew dizzy for a moment but it has passed.”

  The Indian woman gave her a skeptical look. “Are you sure? I’ve noticed you aren’t quite yourself lately. Does it have anything to do with Shadow Walker? Are you sorry you didn’t join with Stands Alone?”