What's for Dinner Mr Gum?
Page 5
‘Nah, you can do that anytime,’ said Mr Gum. ‘What I was thinkin’ was this: how ’bout you an’ me go to that weddin’ after all an’ sit in the back ruinin’ it for everyone by makin’ loud fartin’ noises?’
‘Now yer talkin’,’ grinned Billy.
‘Come on, Billy me old best friend,’ said Mr Gum, affectionately punching Billy William in the belly as hard as he possibly could.
‘We got scoundrel plans to make an’ people to annoy!’
‘Let’s start with Philip the Horror,’ said Billy as they walked on up the road.
‘Yeah,’ scowled Mr Gum. ‘CHATTER CHATTER CHEE! CHATTER CHATTER CHEE! all day long. Between you an’ me, Billy – I never could stand that monkey.’
THE END
What, No Jake the Dog?
Come on, you didn’t think we’d leave Jake out of this book altogether, did you? Of COURSE we wouldn’t, for as they say in Lamonic Bibber:
A book without Jake is like a snake without a snake.
So here he is right now, starring in his very own SUPER BONUS STORY, that massive whopper of a dog, weighing in at nearly two hundred pounds, the one, the only, JAKE THE DOG in . . .
Jake Gets a Job
Now, it sometimes happened that Jake the dog would take himself for a morning stroll through the woods to look for biscuits and that is where this story begins. It was the kind of morning that is nice. There was some weather in the sky and it wasn’t the cold, wet kind, it was the other kind with all the heat and bright light. Just the sort of a day for a massive whopper of a dog to go strolling through the woods looking for biscuits, wouldn’t you agree?
Yes.
But as Jake went snuzzling amongst the trees and flowers, who should happen to see him but a rich American businessman called Ray Mozzarella.
Now, Ray Mozzarella always wore sunglasses, even when he was indoors, even in the bath, even in bed, and even on the toilet. In fact, especially on the toilet. And even if there was a big sign saying ‘ANYONE WEARING SUNGLASSES WILL BE ARRESTED AND EATEN ALIVE BY CRANES’ it wouldn’t stop Ray Mozzarella. He’d just carry on wearing his sunglasses. He thought it looked cool.
‘OHO,’ said Ray Mozzarella when he saw Jake the dog strolling by, barking like a witch-chaser. ‘Look at this dude! He’s just the guy to run my big important company.’
You see, what with those sunglasses on, Ray Mozzarella couldn’t tell Jake was just a dog.
‘Hey, dude,’ said Ray Mozzarella. ‘How d’ya fancy running my company for me?’
‘WOOF,’ said Jake.
‘I can’t understand a word you Brits say,’ said Ray Mozzarella. ‘But I love your accent. You’re hired!’
And the next thing Jake knew, he was in a jet plane flying across the Atlantic Ocean.
‘Guess you must be real excited about coming to work for my important company, huh?’ called Ray Mozzarella from the cockpit.
‘WOOF,’ said Jake, who was busy searching for biscuits under the seats.
‘Thought so,’ said Ray Mozzarella, landing the jet in the Statue of Liberty’s left nostril. Yes, they had arrived in New York, New York, so good they named it twice. And if you think it wasn’t full of skyscrapers you’d be so wrong it’s unbelievable. It was absolutely STUFFED with skyscrapers, all of them stretching towards the heavens like giant shiny schoolchildren putting up their hands to answer a question from their teacher, Mr Sky.
‘Right,’ said Ray Mozzarella. ‘You see that skyscraper over there that’s just a bit taller than all the rest? Well, that is where you’ll be working. Your office is right at the top on the 200th floor. Whaddya think of that?’
‘WOOF,’ said Jake.
‘Thought so,’ said Ray Mozzarella, who still couldn’t understand Jake’s British accent. So up they zoomed in the elevator to the 200th floor. And there Jake was shown to a black leather chair behind a huge desk overlooking the whole of Manhattan, so good they named it once.
‘OK, this job’s real simple but real important,’ said Ray Mozzarella. ‘All you gotta do is pick up the phone when it rings and shout big numbers at whoever’s calling. That’s what business is all about, but hey, why am I telling you all this? You know it already.’
‘WOOF,’ said Jake.
‘Exactly,’ said Ray Mozzarella. ‘Now, about your pay. How does one hundred thousand dollars an hour sound?’
‘WOOF,’ said Jake.
‘Not enough, huh?’ said Ray Mozzarella. ‘OK, two hundred thousand.’
‘WOOF,’ said Jake again.
‘OK, three hundred thousand it is,’ said Ray Mozzarella. ‘Right, see you later, I have to meet the President for lunch and I’m already eight days late.’
Jake spent the rest of the morning trying to get the desk drawer open in case there were any biscuits inside. He had almost succeeded when suddenly – BRNG! – BRNG! BRNG! – the phone started ringing. Jake looked at the phone curiously.
BRNG! BRNG! said the phone.
‘WOOF!’ said Jake.
BRNG! BRNG! said the phone.
Jake turned his attention back to the desk drawer.
BRNG! BRNG!
BRNG! BRNG!
BRNG! BRNG!
All afternoon the phone had been ringing solidly as the important businessmen tried to get through. But by now Jake had dug up most of the carpet looking for biscuits and was sound asleep in a puddle of his own dribble, dreaming of a lovely poodle he fancied.
At the end of the day Ray Mozzarella came back in. ‘How was your first day, champ?’ he said. But there was no answer.
‘Uh-oh,’ said Ray Mozzarella. For the first time since he’d been born he whipped off his sunglasses. There was no one in the office.
‘Uh-oh,’ said Ray Mozzarella. He went over to the desk. The light on the phone’s answering machine was flashing.
*** 4,000 UNPLAYED MESSAGES ***
No one had picked up the phone all day. ‘4,000 UNPLAYED MESSAGES!’ screamed Ray Mozzarella. ‘I’M RUINED! I ain’t got a nickel! I ain’t got a dime! I’m COMPLETELY RUINED!’
But what did Jake know of all this? Nothing. He had wandered out on to the streets of New York and was playing with the pigeons in Times Square. Eventually a kindly policeman found him and shoved him on a boat back to England. And two days later he was back in Lamonic Bibber, barking like a fatty as if nothing had happened.
‘Jakey!’ said Polly when she saw him. ‘Where you been all week? Everythin’s gone well crazy while you been away!’
‘Yes,’ said Friday O’Leary, showing Jake the newspaper. ‘Look, New York’s lost all its money because someone didn’t pick up a phone or something. And now, guess what? The whole WORLD’S lost all its money – just because some lazy business guy couldn’t be bothered to answer the phone! What do you think of that then, Jake?’
‘Don’t be silly, Frides,’ said Polly, ruffling Jake’s soft golden fur. ‘Jakey don’t know what you’re talkin’ ’bout. He don’t understand businesses an’ moneys an’ offices where they make all them important decisions. He’s only a dog, after all.’
And she reached into her skirt pocket and brought out a biscuit.
‘WOOF,’ said Jake happily. It was good to be back home.
THE END
About the Author
Andy Stanton lives in North London. He studied English at Oxford but they kicked him out. He has been a film script reader, a cartoonist, an NHS lackey and lots of other things. He has many interests, but best of all he likes cartoons, books and music (even jazz). One day he’d like to live in New York or Berlin or one of those places because he’s got fantasies of bohemia. His favourite expression is ‘When you are crying, bees sting you’ and his favourite word is ‘Splarshington!’ This is his sixth book.
Visit www.egmont.co.uk/ Authors Name for further information on your favourite Egmont author.
About the Illustrator
David Tazzyman lives in South London with his girlfriend, Melanie, and their son, Stanley.
He grew up in Leicester, studied illustration at Manchester Metropolitan University and then travelled around Asia for three years before moving to London in 1997. He likes football, cricket, biscuits, music and drawing. He still dislikes celery.
Shabba me whiskers! Andy Stanton’s Mr Gum is winner of the Roald Dahl Funny Prize, the Red House Children’s Book Award AND the Blue Peter Book Award for The Most Fun Story With Pictures. AND he’s been shortlisted for LOADS of other prizes too! It’s barking bonkers!
PRAISE FOR Mr Gum:
‘Do not even think about buying another book – This is gut-spillingly funty.’ Alex, aged 13
‘Smooky palooki! This book is well brilliant.’ Jeremy Strong
‘It’s hilarious, it’s brilliant . . . Stanton’s the Guv’nor, The Boss.’ Danny Baker, BBC London Radio
‘Funniest book I have ever and will ever read . . . When I read this to my mum she burst out laughing and nearly wet herself it is so funny . . . When I had finished the book I wanted to read it all over again it was so good.’ Bryony, aged 8
‘Funny? You bet . . . Worryingly splendid.’ Guardian
‘Andy Stanton accumulates silliness and jokes in an irresistible, laughter-inducing romp.’ Sunday Times
‘Raucous, revoltingly rambunctious and nose-snortingly funny.’ Daily Mail
‘Stanton’s robust humour maintains its pace throughout the book – keeping readers entertained till the last.’ Guardian
‘David Tazzyman’s illustrations match the irreverent sparks of word wizardry with slapdash delight.’ Junior Education
‘This is weird, wacky and one in a million.’ Primary Times
‘It provoked long and painful belly laughs from my daughter, who is eight, and gave her an idea of how unruly and mischievous literature can be.’ Daily Telegraph
‘As always, Stanton has a ball with dialogue, detail and devilish plot twists.’ Scotsman
‘We laughed so much it hurt.’ Sophie, aged 9
‘You will laugh so much you’ll ache in places you didn’t know you had.’ First News
‘A riotous read.’ Sunday Express
‘It’s utterly bonkers and then a bit more – you’ll love every madcap moment.’ TBK Magazine
‘Chaotically crazy.’ Jewish Chronicle
‘Designed to tickle young funny bones.’ Glasgow Herald
‘A complete joy to read whatever your age.’ This is Kids’ Stuff
‘The truth is a lemon meringue!’ Friday o’Leary
‘They are brilliant.’ Zoe Ball, Radio 2