Heavenly Hijinks

by Ashley Ladd

  Elizabeth brightened. “We could hire that Leo guy.”

  Clestie blinked. “But you said he’d steal our clientele, and we should get rid of him.”

  Her cousin gave her a look. “I’ve had time to rethink. Tie him to a contract first. Then if he takes off with our business, we sue his tail off.”

  Clestie still wasn’t convinced and wished she’d stop using that word. “Tail” conjured up erotic images she had no business envisioning. She stared at the sun and moon hovering over the Fort Lauderdale skyline as daylight waned and wondered where Leo’s constellation should appear. Not a zodiac aficionado, she didn’t know what part of the sky the constellation should occupy although she presumed it should resemble a lion. At least vaguely.

  “You’re not pining for Reptilian Richard, are you?”

  Clestie jerked up straight. Should she be pining for Reptil—uh—Richard? Richard sure didn’t seem very exciting compared to Jungle Guy. “Yeah. You caught me.”

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  “He’s not right for you. He’s too boring. Too straightlaced. Too controlling. He’ll put you on a short leash, dress you up like a Doctor’s Wife Barbie and parade you around.”

  Clestie tore her gaze from the heavens and schooled her expression, not wanting to reveal her doubts to Elizabeth yet, at least not any more than her cousin had already surmised. Later when Elizabeth wasn’t breathing down her neck, she’d google the star charts to see where the lion should be in the sky. “Richard’s handsome and well-heeled. He’s a responsible man with a good, steady job.”

  Elizabeth pretended to yawn and patted her mouth. “Borrrring. And he creeps me out. You don’t have to snag a man just because he’s a good provider. You’re going to be a successful businesswoman thanks to Aunt Petunia. You won’t have to worry about money every time your dance troupe takes a hiatus.”

  Clestie was tired of arguing about Richard or the shop. She was so ready to slip into a warm tub and let Calgon take her away. “Okay, let’s see if I got this right. If we can find this Leo person and if he wants anything to do with us after the way we threatened to have him thrown in the pokey, and if we honestly think he’s harmless, we’ll offer him a job?”

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  Chapter Three

  Thunderbolts heaped calamity down from a sky filled with puffy, white clouds onto the deserted residential street populated by yards filled with pastel-colored stucco houses and at least one obligatory palm tree each. Leo cringed as he dodged the bright golden spears that erupted into small fireballs when they spattered against the concrete bathed in early morning sunlight. Swearing under his breath, he raised his palms high and muttered to the apparitions of his father and stepmother hovering overhead, “Yes, Father. I acted immaturely when I fled the heavens.”

  Still seething from past wrongs done to him by his sire, Leo added sarcastically, “Why not just send Hercules after me again? Your go-to boy got the job done before.”

  Zeus’ voice boomed thunderously in his ears. “How many times do I have to apologize for that? Did I not exalt you to the heavens? You’re beloved! Revered as if you were a god.” Zeus mumbled under his breath, “Sometimes I think you’re more beloved than I, the god of all gods.” He added with more assertion, “You’ll be remembered throughout the eternities. But you have lessons to learn, my boy. This latest foolhardiness proves it only too well.”

  Yeah, right. If only his dear old dad were truly remorseful.

  Considering his half-brother Hercules had brutally murdered him, ripped his beautiful pelt off with his own claws and then used it as his shield, Zeus should keep making apologies on bended knee ‘til the end of eternity.

  “But you stripped me of the power I had to lift myself back to the heavens. If you want me back so bad, why don’t you return me to the heavens? You possess the power. Or why not return my powers?”

  “But where would the lesson be in that, my dear boy? Use your considerable charms on that delectable mortal to bring about your return. Better yet, engage your head and your heart. Look deep inside to find the answer of how to resume your rightful place. You must prove yourself worthy before you may return. The mortals can fend for themselves for a while. They scraped by well enough before we arrived on the scene.”

  A huge sigh whooshed from Leo’s chest. Even if he possessed his father’s full charm, he couldn’t propel him back to his rightful place in the heavens, where he could put his Leos’ universe back to proper order and alleviate the mass chaos that was brewing because Leos were losing their senses without his celestial guidance. Indeed, this situation could threaten the mortal world if his Leos got too far out of line. He wondered why his father didn’t care more about the mortals seeing as how so many of his own offspring had been born to mortal mothers.

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  Hera’s face reddened against the white fluffy clouds as she chimed in. “Don’t encourage the lad to abuse his charms like you, dear husband. You’re in enough eternal hot water.”

  Leo really didn’t want to get involved with the problems of his father’s rocky marriage, and he definitely didn’t want to be in his stepmother’s line of fire. Zeus’ lightning bolts looked like sunbeams in comparison to her bitter jealousy.

  “I’m working on it,” Leo mumbled, uncomfortably aware of passersby staring at him as he spoke into the sky. He had forgotten they could not see Zeus and Hera as he could. A few observant souls sniffed at the whiffs of smoke still permeating the air from Zeus’ fireballs. Leo smiled and waved. Looking down at his feet, he gritted his teeth and tried not to move his lips. “Grant me a little more time. I’ve found someone capable of helping.”

  “Just don’t let that infamous pride of yours get in your way,” Hera said, looking disdainfully down her perfect Grecian nose.

  “In other words, Son, use your dick, don’t be one.”

  Leo’s head snapped up and he craned his neck so he could see his father’s image in the clouds.

  Hera sighed and whacked her husband in the back of his head. “Don’t be so crass. The god of all gods should know to be more circumspect.”

  Zeus moved behind his wife and mouthed her words while Leo tried his hardest not to burst out laughing.

  Hera whirled around and caught her hubby in the act. She scowled deeply and poked a finger in his chest. “No wonder your son is so irreverent.”

  Zeus rolled his eyes. Then he sobered. “Seriously, Son, this is in your hands. I will not assist you and I have forbidden your brothers and sisters to interfere. You got yourself into this mess, and by Cronus, you have to get yourself out. It’s time to grow up. For heaven’s sake, you’re 3500 years old!”

  “Yes, Father.” Embarrassed and remorseful, Leo vowed to mend his ways. He could even feel himself maturing, perhaps more than his sire. The yoke of his awesome responsibility had weighed like a boulder around his neck since he’d first let down his Leo-born babies by leaving his very important post. “I rue the day I was robbed of my senses and let down my Leos. I’ll make amends.”

  “I know you’re up to this, Son. Make me proud.”

  Leo’s chest puffed out. No matter how much fury his father infused in his soul, his praise always made him glow. “Yes, Father.”

  “Who in tarnation are you talking to?” Karly, his benefactress from the previous evening who had kept him from sleeping on the beach yet again, wandered up to him, her gaze roaming about and her brow furrowing. This morning, she wore a long and flowing gauzy dress that bedazzled him with glitter. The soft material swayed gently about her feet adorned with jeweled sandals and rings that encircled every toe. One of

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  her many tattoos, a pastel-colored hummingbird, peeked out from under the material gaping on her shoulder.

  She craned her neck and peered into the clouds. “Are there aliens up there? I can’t see a danged thing.”

  Startled, Leo’s heart thumped wildly against his ribs. He’d not seen Karly approach. He pretended
to remove an earplug from his ear and stuff it in the pocket of the shirt Karly had let him borrow from her brother. Since he’d been on Earth, he’d seen countless mortals using contraptions as if they were talking into thin air. At first, he too thought they were talking to the gods before he’d noticed the shiny metal things sticking out of their ears. He made a note himself to acquire one as soon as possible to use as a prop in future when speaking to his father. “I was talking on one of those cordless phones.”

  Karly nodded. “Wish more people used those Blue Tooth ear thingies, especially when they get behind the wheel of a car.”

  Glad she’d easily accepted his excuse, Leo nodded. When the mortal turned her back, he mouthed up at the heavens, “Later.”

  His hostess rounded on him and tugged at his plaid shirt sleeve and then critically examined the matching shorts. “I really thought you were Hugh’s size.” She pinched his cheeks. “You’re such a big handsome boy. We’ll have to rustle you up some appropriate duds.”

  Leo suppressed the growl rumbling deep in his belly. Why did everyone insist on calling him a “boy”? Or stuffing him into stuffy clothing? Soon as he could, he would change back into his loincloth. By Jove, he was a grown man—he’d just passed his 3500th birthday!

  As far as clothing went, he much preferred his loincloth. The itchy elastic waistband of the shorts chafed and the material made him break out in a rash. He tore himself away from Karly’s too-tight grip and loosed his charm. “Dearest lady, would you kindly guide me back to Petunia’s Mystic Sensations?”

  Karly’s graying brows crinkled. “But you’ve been banned. I know of another much friendlier psychic shop. I’ll take you there.”

  Panic roiled in his gut. He needed Clestie. He not only needed her for business purposes, he longed to see her for much more personal reasons. His groin ached and his cock strained against the too-tight shorts. He longed to shapeshift so he didn’t have to worry about these ridiculous mortal clothes.

  He realized Karly was rattling on and he tried to focus on the immediate need. He cut off her rambling. “Although I deeply appreciate your concern, I have need to return to Petunia’s shop.”

  Karly frowned. “That blonde niece ain’t a bit like Petunia, god bless her. I bet she was adopted. She’s all sleek and fancied up like those snobby bitches on that City Sex show. I don’t like her superior, hoity-toity manners, like she’s too good for the likes of us mere mortals.”

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  Leo wondered at her boldness of speech and his patience wore thin. “Nevertheless, I have honest and dire need to return.”

  Karly wrinkled her nose. “Well, if I can’t dissuade you, I’ll point you in the right direction, but I ain’t stepping one foot inside that woman’s place. That blonde’s a real cold fish.”

  No. She wasn’t a Pisces. Of that much, he was certain. And his assessment of her temperature was definitely hot. He just had to get her cooking, and he was a master chef.

  Standing shoulder to shoulder with him, Karly pointed down the street. “When you reach that busy boulevard you turn right and travel two blocks past the bowling lanes, the pool hall and Stan’s Watering Hole. You’ll cross the road at the corner by the grocery store and head two blocks further west.”

  It sounded like Sumerian to him so he gave her a blank stare. He’d lived in the same neighborhood for the past 3500 years, so his navigational skills had dulled.

  “Oh, for Pete’s sake. For such a hunk, you sure are missing a few brain cells. I’ll guide you.” She stepped from her driveway onto the sidewalk in front of her yard.

  Wishing he didn’t sound so ignorant, Leo batted his lashes and crooned as he began to follow her, “I’m from out of town. I’ll be forever grateful for your kindness.” He studied her closely. “Your birthday is on July twenty-seventh.”

  Karly stopped dead and pivoted around. Her hooded eyes popped open wide and she glared. “How’d you know that? Were you peeking around in my private papers?”

  “I would never be so presumptuous. I have a gift for knowing Leos.”

  The woman’s bristling subsided and she patted his arm. “God compensates.”

  “Oh! You know Zeus?”

  Karly blinked. “Zeus?” After a moment, her features untwisted. “You meant do I know of Zeus? Well, of course. That was part of eighth-grade literature for all the middle-school kids.”

  Leo nodded. Finally, after almost getting mowed down by several cars, they were in front of Petunia’s Mystic Sensations.

  To his chagrin, the door was locked and the lights dimmed. Then he heard rustling around inside so he pressed his nose to the glass. After his vision adjusted, he amended his former assessment of the woman inside. Her beauty didn’t just rival that of Aphrodite, it exceeded it.

  The exquisite Clestie was gyrating, high-kicking and performing gymnastics in the center of the shop. She’d pushed the crystal ball table to the side and had stretched a blue foam mat on the floor.

  Dressed in a white tank top and white cotton pants, she showed more of her body than the previous day. Bright pink toenails peeked out from under the pants’ cuffs. The cottony material of her tank top clung beguilingly to her large chest and then sunk against her flat tummy. All she needed now was for a fine young buck to meet her

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  thrust for thrust and to lick her gleaming skin from head to toe. As luck would have it, he was available and more than willing.

  Karly cupped her hands about her eyes and gazed inside. “What’s that she’s doing in there? Modern dance? Petunia’ll be rolling over in her grave at what she’s doing to her beautiful shop.”

  Leo couldn’t stand by and let the woman be insulted. “Looks like a good way to maintain her maidenly physique.”

  The woman glanced down at herself with a grimace. “I ain’t saying exercise ain’t good, but there’s a time and a place.” She wrinkled her nose at the shop. “That ain’t it.”

  He was glad to be in this place at this time—until the young woman stopped suddenly and seemed to peer at them with x-ray vision.

  At first, the rosy heat in her cheeks fled, leaving her pasty white. Then anger clouded her ocean-blue eyes. Finally recognition flashed, followed by a joyous relief.

  Joy?

  Relief?

  He’d expected fury and rage. Instead a pretty pink blossomed high in her cheekbones and her nipples beaded and pushed out invitingly against the cotton of her tank top. Wings seemed to sprout from her feet as she ran to the door.

  Karly snorted in disbelief. “Did you cast some kind of love spell on that poor woman? Yesterday she was foaming at the mouth and today she’s drooling with lust.”

  The young woman fumbled with the door and finally flung it wide open. “Leo! I was afraid I’d scared you off. We need to talk.”

  Karly snorted. “I’ll be moseying along now.” She spun around on her heel and scuttled away in and out of the shadows down the cracked sidewalk.

  He’d catch up with Karly later and try to help her. But he wasn’t capable of giving a decent reading or advice right now with the beautiful Clestie in front of him.

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  Chapter Four

  Heat flooded Clestie’s neck and rolled up into her cheeks. Having just finished an excellent workout, she was one large sweat gland. A dancer, she was used to people watching her, even ogling her. But Leo had caught her unaware.

  “I’m all yours,” Leo said, smiling.

  If possible, he looked more ridiculous strutting around downtown Fort Lauderdale in his loud plaid outfit than he’d looked in a loincloth, and it took tremendous effort to bite back a laugh. To cover her discomfiture, she peered around the corner at where her aunt’s former customer had recently disappeared in a huff. “Odd little bird, isn’t she? Reminds me of an egret with her head bobbing in and out like that.”

  Leo’s gaze followed hers. “She does not hold a high opinion of you either.”

  Like she cared. She reared
her head back to get a wider perspective of the Lion King. Had she called the Karly woman an odd bird? This guy was one hundred times stranger. The newly charged AC whooshed on her and she shivered. Glancing down at her soaked tank top, she grimaced. The outline of her bra clearly showed through. Way worse, the dusky areolas of her nipples were visible.

  She gulped and crossed her arms over her chest. Slowly, she retreated and then turned away. “Make yourself at home.” She pointed to twin coffeepots, one filled with mountain blend and one with steaming water. “Pour yourself a drink and take a load off. Excuse me. I’ll be right back.”

  Without waiting for a reply, she moved up the curved iron staircase with as much grace as she could muster, while every muscle screamed “run”.

  Elizabeth passed her on the way down, and her brow lifted askance.

  Clestie clamped her arms tighter about herself and tilted her head at their visitor. “Please play hostess while I change.”

  Elizabeth patted her hair and squared her shoulders. “You want me to baby-sit Mr. Hunka-Hunka-Burning-Love?”

  Clestie kept a smile glued to her lips in case their guest was watching. “You’re such a dead woman.”

  When she reached the top of the stairs she slipped into the apartment and ran for the bedroom. If she stayed, all Petunia’s beads and Sixties paraphernalia were getting boxed away, most to give to the local homeless shelter. She felt she’d been sucked into a Sixties sitcom.

  All musky and smelly, she turned on the shower and stepped under the cool spray. She rubbed herself down with a loofah and melon body wash until she’d scoured away the sweat and grime. She washed the sweat from her hair, ran a razor down her legs,