Sophie's Smile: A Novel

by Harper, Sheena

  “Where are we going?” I asked, nervous, feeling the slight shift of my stomach contents.

  “Oh, I thought it would be a nice day for a walk. Don’t you agree?”

  “Um, yes it is a nice morning.”

  I sighed, it was a beautiful morning and I would love to go on a walk, if only, the urgency to use the restroom wasn’t so dire. I would hold it. I had to—the thought of using the public outhouses left me in chills. Could there be anything more unsavory than being enclosed in that blue rectangular box?

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, I’m fine.” I don't know why I fibbed. It wasn’t like I was ashamed, it was only natural. Plus, we’d already experienced each other’s unsightly behaviors and smelled the gas that passed late in the night.

  Looking at him now, his smiling face, carefully watching the road and the light morning traffic before him, my heart fluttered. Subconsciously I knew that he would be disappointed if we wasted this beautiful morning by not taking a stroll along our lake. What’s a little discomfort when I could give him this moment?

  We walked to our normal spot—off the beaten path, slightly out of view, and private. Liam pulled me into the warmth of his body, effortlessly, and held me there, enjoying the beauty of our surroundings and the smell of the water, trees, and fresh air.

  We stood there in deep thought, until he shifted, uncomfortably, his pulse quickened, and his arms started to quiver. I felt the air above me disappear as he devoured it helplessly, trying to calm his rapid heartbeat. I looked up, worried, but his eyes were calm, loving and kind.

  “I have a surprise.” His voice startled me in the silence, cracking slightly.

  “What kind of surprise?”

  “Just close your eyes, okay?”

  “Okay.” I followed along, thinking it would be some playful game ending in a teasing kiss, or with a yellow daisy that grew in wild patches beside us, in his hand.

  I waited. Heard rustling from the trees above, the crunching of dead leaves and gravel below, and of Liam shifting discreetly before me.

  “You can open your eyes now.”

  I opened them. Liam was kneeling, the sun gleamed through the holes between the leaves, like fairy dust was dancing lightly around him. His eyes twinkled. His smile, child-like and honest. His face, pure and radiant, like the item in the open box he displayed in his open hand.

  I gasped. My body shook with uncontrollable happiness, my face froze, and my eyes glistened with unexpected tears.

  “Sophie, you make me so happy. I couldn’t imagine my life without you. My mission is to enrich your life and I would be honored if you would let me do that as your husband. Will you marry me?” his words spread soft and sure, his voice shaky and misted through heartfelt tears.

  “Yes, of course YES. I love you.”

  “And I love you.”

  The ring slipped on easily, like the glass slipper Prince Charming slipped onto Cinderella’s bare foot. It was beautiful. The stone dancing in the light, the weight of it surprising me as I twisted my hand in admiration, and the band was delicate, graceful in age.

  “I love it,” I whispered, “It’s so…beautiful.”

  “Not as beautiful as you.” He admired it wistfully, “the band was my great-grandmother’s.”

  “Really?” A surge of emotion went through me as I felt the power, love and history that the band embodied. The love imbued within this ring was unbreakable. It had been steeped in love for over a century and it would continue to live through our love. “Wow. Thank you.”

  Everything seemed perfect, as if the stars aligned the night we first met and angels sang, while a harp played in harmony up above. We were surrounded by some magic spell that linked our hearts and souls together. Liam is my soul mate, the love of my life, my better half…

  Our entire lives, we seemed to have been waiting for the other, just holding on to the thread that framed our lives until we came together. Two halves meeting and becoming whole, finally becoming one, perfectly. We’d been striving for perfection for over twenty years, and we enveloped ourselves in it, in each other. Our life together held a meaning we could never see when apart. We will take care of each other, forever. We will love each other, forever.

  54

  The calmness I felt seemed weird to me. On a day when most are stressed, frustrated, and jittery, I was smiling, relaxed, and serene. There were puffy clouds in the sky, the wind was gentle and infrequent, the air was dry and warm, and the lake was peaceful and still.

  The path was cleared of pebbles and dog excrement, and fresh white roses and calla lilies were strategically placed, mainly congregating around our secluded spot where Liam placed the ring on my finger just a few months before.

  Placing my veil—lined with lace and pearls—on my head, I turned to the portable mirror and smiled. My dress was simple but elegant, like our romance: delicate, shimmering chiffon draped along the satiny, white fabric, which flowed softly against my frame. White pearls accented the slight opening of the back and around the heart-shaped neckline. The hemline gracefully skimmed my feet as I slipped into my crystal-embellished sandals. My hair was set into a soft bun, with wisps of hair flowing free.

  The gentle notes of the harp played in the distance, the serene melody of The Notebook flowing in the gentle breeze, as I stepped out from my little canopy, linked to my dad’s arm, holding a tiny array of calla lilies. I bathed in the streams of sunlight, toward my love.

  I closed my eyes for a moment, just to take it all in, the beauty and the serenity, and as I walked, cherishing every step, I met the eyes of the loved ones and close friends that stood to the side, awestruck.

  Then I locked my gaze on the eyes that mattered most, the eyes that were soft and gentle, caramel brown with golden flecks; the eyes that melted my soul and fluttered my heart, the eyes that were gleaming with happiness and love, so much love…

  A tear escaped my eye, matching the tear that escaped his. Our eyes never left each other’s, our hands never parted, and our voice soared above as the vows we exchanged were spoken:

  “Sophie, I remember when we first started seeing each other, and we shared a moment of reflection about whether we should take the next step and become a couple. I quickly thought of the most convincing and romantic thing to say…but what came out instead was ‘Sophie, I want to enhance your life.’

  Thinking back to that moment now, standing here, I’m glad that is what I wished because it came true for both of us. We are better together, we do make each other ineffably happy, we have enhanced our lives.

  So, all my vows stem from this first promise I made to you: Sophie, I will always be kind to you, no matter how bad my day was, or how tired I am, I will never waste a single moment venting life’s frustrations on you but will instead laugh them away with you. I will treasure every day we spend together; I will always place family first.

  Even when I’m old and gray (or old and bald) I will still tell you I love you morning and night, kiss you with passion, dance with you, take you out on dates, and tell you you’re the most beautiful woman to me.

  I’m holding my whole world by the hands right now, looking into your eyes, and in front of everyone dear to us I am promising to keep our world safe, joyful, and full of smiles. Sophie, I promise you. I promise you I will be there until the end, to hold you, cherish you, give you the sweet life you dream of every day, and the wish for sweet dreams to rest upon each night. I will continue that promise through today and all our tomorrows…and with this ring, I will always love you, Sophie.”

  “Liam, from the moment we met it was like fate. I didn’t know it then but that night would be the start of my fairytale life. Our relationship grew so fast. We learned so much about each other in just a couple of months to the point that we knew that we were meant for each other. I knew you were different and very special from the day we first met. I saw your heart, your charm, and your intelligence. You amazed me then and you amaze me now the way you love others unconditio
nally, your sensitive nature that derives from a kind of sixth sense, your many talents and hobbies, and your passion for life, especially for your family and friends.

  It scared me a little when you kept on mentioning your desires to be a grandfather. But I began to realize it was mainly because you had so much love and admiration for yours. Although I did not have the pleasure of meeting him, I know that whatever Michael Baker had that allowed him to be a wonderful grandfather, you do too.

  You are handsome, intelligent, weird, and strive for excellence while achieving it. You know how to love me fully and unconditionally.

  I knew that I was meant to share my life with you and I know that I can’t live my life without you. I need you beside me always to protect me and to love me. The only thing that matters to me is that we are together. You are my first and my only love and with this ring, I will love you forever.”

  Our kiss was soft and passionate, our emotions rose deep from the words we expressed. Our thoughts were on the first night, and the days thereafter. Although we enjoyed the bright company of our dear ones, we were anxious to escape, so my husband could enjoy my special gift that I kept safe for him—and only him—to open on this very night.

  Under the full moon and dusty twilight, under the trees and strings of lights, and surrounded by good music, food, laughter, and cheers, we danced inseparably. And when twilight came and went, fading to darkness, we waved our goodbyes and Liam whisked me away to the Hyatt, room 1207, overlooking the bay.

  55

  Smiling, I looked over at Liam’s smooth face, his hair matted down with sweat, his eyes angelic and closed, his lips parted, a sliver of drool escaping down his chin, and his body limp, tangled in white sheets, exhausted and happy. I leaned in to kiss his soft lips, remembering the way they caressed my body, how they got lost in mine, and how I felt when he entered and consumed me last night.

  Liam took my gift graciously, lovingly, and as I gave all of myself to him; letting go of any doubts, questions, or worries I had faced in the past, I cleared the path to my heart.

  He woke up sleepily, still drained from the magical event that preceded, to return the kiss. Smiling, he said groggily, “That has to be a million.”

  I replied, “Must be.”

  56

  Our life was perfect. Through planning, saving, scheming, plotting, and the generosity of our families, we were able to purchase a small townhouse to call our home. Liam worked day and night making the necessary renovations to make the perfect place for us, where we would one day start a family. We even wrote love notes to each other and fixed them to the unfinished bathroom walls before he covered them up with mortar and tile.

  Our home was perfect. With its cream colored walls, red oak floors, and new stainless steel appliances. The bathroom was breathtaking with its granite counters and custom built shower, christened with our love notes. We cultivated a peaceful garden just outside the kitchen sliding doors, filled with a waterfall, trees, shrubs, roses, and a bonsai.

  It was everything we dreamed of, and more.

  It was Liam’s and mine. It was ours.

  Our romance was perfect. Each day, we loved with more passion, we cared about each other with more heart, and we couldn’t imagine living a moment without the other. The promises we made on our wedding day never faltered, they only grew stronger, and we finally craved and valued life.

  57

  After graduating from UC San Diego, I landed a job as a receptionist in a hospital nearby and Liam became a biologist for a large environmental firm downtown. We worked hard, but we loved even harder.

  Liam was ready to start a family, but I was hesitant. I was scared that bringing another person into our life might break our already perfect lives. Like adding one extra thing might tip the balance that had been working so perfectly for us. I was also scared that I would be too weak to be a great mother. I was scared this world would become a dark and dangerous place, and I didn’t want my child to suffer the consequences. Mostly, I was scared we would bring a child into this world who was timid and frail and who would eventually go through all the pain and agony we both went through as children. My parents were wonderful parents and even they couldn’t prevent the depression I faced. Simply put, I was scared.

  Liam was willing to wait. He was patient and kind and sometimes I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I treasured him every single moment of my life.

  58

  The day he got the call, was the day my perfect life started to crumble. The morning was clear and beautiful. There wasn’t a cloud left to mark the sky. The air was warm, with a slight breeze that ruffled my hair and put a smile on my face. Liam already left for work and I came down the stairs to a note on the counter:

  Dear Love,

  Breakfast is waiting in the microwave. Just set it to 30 seconds to re-heat and the cheese should have melted over the fluffy eggs. Don’t forget to take your vitamins.

  I love you! Have a wonderful day.

  -Your husband

  I smiled while I ate my perfect breakfast and thought about the special dinner I was preparing to make tonight. We already made reservations at El Prado for our one-year anniversary, but that was tomorrow night, and I wanted to surprise him with a private dinner tonight.

  I couldn’t wait for him to open my gift. It was hard hiding it from him, since it took me a few months to finish. It was a quilt with pictures, our poems, and pieces of our special moments embedded throughout. I grinned as I thought of where I decided to hide it. Hidden under our bed, wrapped in a plain white box with a large red ribbon, it sat next to my shoebox full of our love letters and instant message conversations that I diligently saved all these years.

  Liam could sometimes be clueless, but more so, he was never nosy and was very humble. He never expected anything and was always surprised by a gift or kind gesture. I loved surprising him.

  But it was I who was surprised that evening. I came home from work—a bag full of groceries under my arms with the intent of remaking the dinner that Liam made for me the day I announced my love—to find another note, this time giving me a different set of shivers.

  I frantically ran upstairs to find his suitcase gone and a few of his clothes packed. His toothbrush, hair products, and deodorant were missing. I started to shake violently; my head pounded and throbbed, my heart crushed under the weight of my lungs and my eyesight blurred in the confusion and chaos of my frantic mind. I collapsed, my mind racing with questions and the loneliness consumed me as a flood of hot, salty tears gushed out of me. Liam left, and I, according to his note, didn’t know for how long.

  59

  The next morning I awoke, groggy and drenched in a cold sweat. I had a nightmare. A variation to the ones I had a year ago…

  I was once again trapped in a field of sunflowers, wilted and desiccated by the boiling heat. My fingers ached to touch them. I plucked one effortlessly from the rotten soil. Ghastly I turned to my fingers; blood trickled down my arm. I looked at the sunflower again and it was now a rose plagued with hundreds of thorns—one must have pricked my finger. Then I heard his soft voice teasing in the wind…Soph…Soph…his back was turned but my heart knew who he was. He turned…it was Liam…

  It was three in the morning. I must have slept soon after reading the note; the groceries still packed neatly in their reusable bags next to the counter, spoiled. There was no message from Liam on my phone, so I read the note one more time, my head clearer:

  Dear Love,

  Sorry, but I had to leave. I’ll explain everything as soon as I can. It was urgent and I couldn’t take you with me. Don’t worry. I love you.

  -Liam

  How could I not worry? What was so important he couldn’t wait until I got home to discuss it with me? Why didn’t he call? Why didn’t he take me? Why couldn’t he? Was he in trouble? Is there someone else? Was he living a secret life? Why was this happening?

  I grasped my burning chest as the pain was becoming too uncomfortable to bear, and I wept
until my eyes ran dry and my chest stopped heaving. I felt faint and slept some more.

  “LIAM!—” I screamed myself awake. One hand awkwardly reaching in front of me, grasping at nothing.

  The pain was worse than the time I wrote that letter to myself, the day I reached my lowest point, the day my parents saved my life. It was hard telling Liam, the love of my life, the man who saw me as innocent and kind: the girl who could do no wrong did something horrible, obscene, and self-destructive.

  I tried to hurt myself, tried to feel something, tried to live. With all the pills that I consumed, with all the vomit that I induced, all I did was end up hurting everyone who had ever loved me and mostly, I just hurt myself. At the prime age of eighteen, I scarred myself, and the scar ran deep. It left a mark on me and I grew and learned from it. I learned that I had to love myself and be happy with who I was.

  Liam understood. He told me of his story when he tried hurting himself by cutting. Back then, we both hated life and hated ourselves. We both longed to feel. We both hurt our loved ones, as well as, ourselves.

  We both understood. We loved each other more because of it. We promised each other that as long as we were together, we would be happy, complete, and everything would be perfect.

  Today, I hurt more than I hurt then. Liam was gone. The promise, broken.

  60

  The phone finally rang. It startled me and I awoke. I must have drifted off to sleep again. I was pale, groggy, and empty.