by Kitty Margo
“Did either of them have any outstanding features?” I asked, knowing that Mallory was diligently searching for a man who did. For quite some time “humongous” had been her word of the day.
“Heck no, just average. At least Tyrick, the cute one, was average. I couldn’t really bring myself to look at the heavier one, naked. But he felt about average.”
Tammy and I were left speechless.
After the meal it was back to the room to shower for the club. Teri had chosen a pink, floral, cleavage revealing sundress and pink flip-flops, which looked surprisingly cute on my rail thin body. Unfortunately, the dress announced the fact that my chest was almost completely flat now.
“Honey, you either need to gain some weight or call Charlotte Plastic and schedule breast implants.” Teri was quick to point out. “Talk about fried eggs.”
“Screw you, Teri. And your milk jugs!” Though it was a thought that I had been seriously considering lately.
Ten
We hadn’t been at Studebakers ten minutes when I made eye contact with a fairly handsome middle-aged man leaning casually against the bar. He smiled and immediately made his way toward our table.
“Doesn’t take you long, does it?” Teri quipped.
As he approached, I noticed he was a few inches taller than me with black hair and a rich deep tan. He was one of those rugged men who so appealed to me.
“What are you drinking?” He grinned, showing perfect white teeth.
He had passed my first requirement. Good teeth. Honestly, I can kiss for hours on end if my partner is even reasonably proficient at it. And for this to happen good teeth and pleasant breath are an absolute must. I had to suppress a shudder as I remembered the bad breathed dogcatcher.
“Bloody Mary,” I said returning his gorgeous smile.
“I’ll be right back.”
As it turned out he was from Winston Salem, single, 45 and divorced. Requirement number 2 was checked off of my list. He was single. I introduced him to the others, “This is Stephen.”
“Hi Stephen.” Teri beamed, extending her bejeweled hand.
“Hello there.” Mallory simpered, grinning from ear to ear as she did when introduced to any member of the opposite sex regardless of age, physical appearance or nationality.
“Hi, Theven.” The poor girl sounded so depressed that even I was praying for a gang of Mexicans to bum rush the door.
Steven turned to me and asked, “Would you like to dance?”
“Sure.”
He took my hand and led me to the dance floor, where we swayed and talked for the next several songs. I learned that he had two grown children and 3 grandchildren. He had been divorced for about 5 years. The divorce was supposedly due to philandering on his ex wife’s part. I discovered that he was self-employed also, owning a successful welding business. He had passed requirement number 3 with flying colors. He was gainfully employed.
On his next trip to the bar, he returned with another round of Bloody Mary’s and a red rose with a cute little bear attached. How long had it been since a man had presented me with a gift? “Thank you, Stephen.” I brought the rose to my nose and inhaled its heady fragrance. “How very sweet. I love it.”
“You’re welcome.” Then he leaned toward me. “Be right back. Going to the men’s room.”
“Didn’t take you long to hook him, did it? Look at you already receiving gifts.” Teri shouted to be heard above the music. “And he is too fine.”
“He is fine. And he smells good enough to take a bite out of.”
“Down girl.” Teri snickered as she sipped from a dirty martini. “At least wait until he tells you his name before you go nibbling on him. What’s he wearing by the way?”
“Jean Paul.”
“Oh no! Not Jean Paul! You will be putty in his hands! The man never even knew when he was getting dressed that his choice of cologne could get him laid tonight.”
Jean Paul Gautier cologne for men, to be exact. I knew the fragrance immediately, because over the years I have purchased gallons at Christmas for my son and other male family members. A more delicious fragrance for men doesn’t exist. Honestly, the scent makes me melt!
“You gonna do him?” Teri inquired.
I didn’t have to answer as Mallory and the slimmer of her acquaintances from the beach, Tyrick, came bouncing to the table after a hip thrusting routine to Lady Gaga’s Poker Face. Tammy still sat looking forlornly toward the door.
“Why don’t you just give a white boy a chance?” Stephen asked upon returning to our table.
“Or a brother?” Tyrick chimed in. “I could hook you up.”
“Nothing againth you two,” she informed them sadly. “But Mexican men really know how to treat a woman, and they are tho thweet.”
“I’m sweet,” Tyrick insisted.
“Me too,” Stephen added, grabbing my hand to pull me back on the dance floor.
“Thath okay.”
Stephen pulled me back on the dance floor. Good Lord the man could dance and smelled positively divine. However, I had already decided that I wasn’t going to jump in the sack with him. There wouldn’t be a notch added to my one night stand Studebaker belt tonight. My life was slowly inching back toward a semblance of normalcy and I wasn’t about to throw a curve ball into the chaotic mix now.
When the club closed, even though Stephen begged me to go for a walk on the beach, Tammy, Teri, and I left him at the hotel entrance. It was too soon. But I did promise to meet him back at the club the following night.
Back in our room, I opened the balcony doors before crawling into bed. No matter how hot it is, I always sleep with the doors open at the beach so I can hear the crashing waves and feel the ocean breezes.
“Teri, do you think Mallory is doing both of them again?”
“At the very least the two of them, but I imagine she picked up enough strays in the club to have a full-fledged orgy.” Teri sounded slightly envious.
“Weren’t you tempted to go with them?” I teased.
“No, not really. Because as twats go, mine is relatively small. This is both good and bad. On one hand men absolutely love it, on the other I still have to insert spacers into my vagina occasionally to keep it open. As much as I would love to, I’m afraid a black man would rip me a new one.”
“Yep, you better stick with white men then. Or have you ever tried a Latino man? I hear they are about average.”
“Not tho! Thum of them are definitely above average.”
“Oh yes, I’ve had Latino men, but I would rather be able to understand a man when he is talking dirty to me. What if he tells me in Spanish that he wants to choke me until I turn blue, or chain me to the bed, or use a whip on my ass, and I unwittingly agree to it?”
I was still giggling when I drifted to sleep.
The next day while Tammy and Mallory basked in the harmful rays of the sun, Teri and I hit the mall. They didn’t get the whole concept of going to the beach and wasting time shopping any more than I did, but I couldn’t send Teri out alone.
That girl could shop until the soles of her flip-flops melted and keep on going, especially the outlet malls where she thought she was getting a bargain. She had 75% of her Christmas shopping completed when we finally left the mall and I had four cute new outfits.
Satisfied that I could look presentable for at least four consecutive days, Teri and I went back to the hotel and met the girls at the poolside grill for hotdogs and hamburgers.
Oh Lord, they were setting up karaoke. Of all things! If Teri stepped up to the microphone we would never get it out of her hands in time to make it to the club before closing time.
“Look girls! Karaoke!” She squealed with unabashed delight upon spying the microphone. “What are we going to sing?”
“We aren’t singing anything,” I said. “What are you singing? And please don’t embarrass us by singing something from a Broadway musical.”
“Well, that certainly takes the fun out of it and when did you become
such a killjoy?”
Ignoring her question, I made a suggestion hoping to get her sidetracked from the ever popular show tunes. “Do Black Velvet. You sing that really well.”
“Yes. I do, don’t I?” She was busily searching through the book of songs for song numbers and jotting them down. “I also do a mean Betty Davis Eyes.”
She waltzed up to the microphone, cleared her throat a few times, leaned slightly forward for added effect, and belted out the song. She really could sing and finished to a round of robust applause, along with raucous shouts of encore from a table of men in the corner. She bowed, waved to the men and headed straight for the song selection book to choose her next number.
Immediately she was back on stage singing Dancing Queen by Abba, which was equally impressive. She followed these with several more songs from the eighties and showed no sign of slowing down anytime soon. The girl was in her element and loving it.
Around 8:00, I went to the room to bathe and change for the club with disco mania ringing in my ears. Teri refused to give up the stage, informing us that she was having too much fun to leave, since she had befriended two couples that shared her passion for music of another era. Heaven help them!
Tyrick had shown up looking quite sexy. You could almost see drool forming in the corners of Mallory’s mouth. He and Mallory remained at the foot of the karaoke stage sipping drinks appropriately named Sex on the Beach and shouting encouragement to Teri.
When Tammy and I arrived at the club Stephen was waiting patiently at the door looking every bit as handsome as he had the night before in Bermuda shorts, a bright orange Myrtle Beach tee shirt and Rainbows. Believe me, the man smelled so delicious it was a challenge to keep from locking lips with him right there on the sidewalk. My resolve not to add another notch to my one night stand Studebaker belt was steadily weakening. We are talking super sonic speed here!
Now Mallory swears she would never be caught dead in public with a man wearing sandals. Well, I would prefer the man not be wearing Jerusalem cruisers, however, flip-flops on a man are rather sexy in my opinion, especially at the beach.
Steven hugged me, presented me with yet another rose and taking my hand led us to a reserved table. How thoughtful! I had yet to find a single flaw with the man.
The Studebopper Dancers were performing on the dance floor when Stephen went to the bar for drinks. As soon as the dancers finished their routine, we heard It's Electric and that was our cue to hit the floor. You just know I consider myself to be the Electric Slide Queen!
At Studebaker’s the Electric Slide continues through at least three songs and Tammy and I never missed a beat. Next came the Cupid Shuffle and when the dance ended we made our way through the masses to the table where Stephen waited with another round of Bloody Marys.
“Next slow song is mine,” he whispered against my ear sending a delicious shiver racing through me. “I’ve been thinking about holding you in my arms since I left you last night.”
Whew! I don’t know about Stella, but Eve was definitely getting her groove back. My breath caught in my throat as I turned my head so that our lips lightly grazed each other. “I can’t wait,” I breathed. Wow! The blood was certainly pulsing through the old nether region tonight! Oh Lord, it’s been so long! Please don’t let me attack this man on the dance floor!
My head was beginning to spin as we danced and drank several more rounds of Bloody Marys. I wondered if Stephen really liked that particular cocktail or was simply funneling them because it was my drink of choice?
We were on the dance floor, with Stephen holding me sinfully close, when he pressed his moist, soft lips close to my ear. “Would you look at that?”
“What?” My head was on his shoulder and my nose was pressed to his neck breathing in his glorious fragrance and I didn’t want to move a single muscle.
“Look, Eve.”
Humoring him, I glanced over and talk about a total shock to the system! I couldn't believe my eyes. Tammy and a slightly less than attractive, albeit an apparently rich and slightly less than attractive white boy, were in a passionate embrace right there on the dance floor!
Stephen and I returned to the table to wait. We couldn’t miss this introduction. After the dance she brought her dance partner to our table.
“Thith ith Melvin. Melvin, thith ith Eve and Theven.”
“Hi, Eve, Theven,” he said, shaking Steven’s hand.
“It’s Steven,” Steven told him.
“Oh, right… sorry.”
I leaned over to Tammy and whispered, “A white boy? What’s up with that?”
“It was either that or be alone all weekend. I felt thorry for him thitting all alone. Pluth, look at him, you can tell heth loaded. If I am going to do a white boy he will have to have money coming out hith ath.”
“Yes, he does look like he’s loaded and has money coming out his ass. And you felt sorry for him? Tammy, honey, the world could use more good women like you.”
At some point in the evening the DJ announces the names of major cities in neighboring states and you applaud if you live in that city or close to it. When he mentioned Charlotte, Tammy and I stood up and whistled and clapped since it was the closest city to our hometown. He wasn’t likely to announce the booming metropolis of Twin Rivers. I glanced at the surprisingly quiet Stephen when Winston Salem was announced.
Then to my complete astonishment and utter regret, he stood and applauded loudly for the city of Myrtle Beach. Admittedly he’d had several drinks. Evidently a few too many, because when I asked if Myrtle Beach was his home he forgot to lie. Adam would have done much better.
“Yes, I have a home at the country club, why?”
“Well, Steven, because you told me your home was in Winston Salem.” I took one last whiff of his marvelous cologne knowing it would be my last. “So I can only assume that was a lie.”
“Oh.” He had the decency to blush, remembering the mention of his fabricated hometown. “Damn, I guess I’m getting to old for this.”
“Evidently.” He had proven to be just another typical, sweet smelling, lying member of the male species. Nothing new there! “And you aren’t divorced either, are you?”
“Uh, no,” he mumbled in his slight state of inebriation. “But I wish I was!”
“Me too.” Damn, I wished Teri were here. She was so good at giving people their comeuppance. “But wishing and doing are two entirely different things. Why don’t you just go home to your wife where you belong? If you aren’t happy, tell her. If you can’t work it out, then leave her. Don’t go club hopping, spinning lies and trying to hook up with innocent women. Be a man for God’s sake! Now, if you will excuse me,” I snapped, leaving my seat to move to another table.
He had the nerve to follow me and put his hand on mine causing me to wonder if perhaps his hearing was all it should be and asked. “Can’t we just be together tonight? You can’t come to the beach and go home without getting laid.”
“You wanna bet!” I snatched my hand from his. “And if I do decide to get laid, as you so tactfully put it, it won’t be by the likes of you. The way you pick up women, I wouldn’t go within 10 feet of your nasty, and probably diseased, pecker! So my advice to you would be to get the hell out of my face!”
I adamantly refused to let another despicable member of the male species ruin my weekend. It was almost closing time at Studebakers. But as Katie Scarlett would say, “After all, tomorrow is another day!”
Tammy left the dance floor with Melvin and came to our new table with her hands held out, apparently wondering why I had switched tables and left poor Stephen sitting all alone.
“Whath wrong?”
“It would seem our Stephen has difficulty ciphering fact from fiction, as he is very married and resides here at Myrtle Beach.”
“No thit! Well, the lying bathtard.” She practically snarled, turning to give him an evil glare. “Oh well, he thent a fortune on drinth and flowerth. Therveth him right.”
“Yes, he i
s a lying bastard and he did spend a fortune on drinks and flowers and it does serve him right. Are you a typical lying man, Melvin?” I asked, pointedly gazing into the eyes of the most homely man, reminiscent of Disney’s animated Ichabod Crane, that I had ever had the privilege to encounter.
“No, ma’am,” he insisted and blushed to the roots of his horribly highlighted hair. “I try real hard not to ever lie, especially to a female.”
It would seem the old adage was true. Everyone did look better at closing time. But, bless his heart, I hadn’t partaken of enough vodka to make poor Melvin attractive. It was obvious that I’d had too much to drink though, for even the name Melvin sent me into convulsions of laughter.
“Whath tho funny?”
“Nothing, this is the last song and I am going to borrow your man, Tammy. Come on, Melvin, let’s dance.”
“Heeth from Columbia, or at leath he thad he ith,” Tammy shouted, turning to give Stephen another withering glare.
After the dance ended and we had returned to the table Tammy said, “Ith almoth clothing time, tho we are going to get you a taxi and then go to hith room to watch a movie.”
“Okay, sounds like a plan.” Although, I was sure that neither of them would be watching TV tonight. I almost suggested that she stop off at the Piggly Wiggly for a paper bag but, fortunately, for once, my drunk ass held my tongue.
I entered our room to find Teri sitting with her feet propped on the balcony, gazing out across the ocean.
“Just what in the hell are you doing back here?” she mumbled sleepily. I had hoped she would be in dreamland by now.
“Um, why wouldn’t I come back here?”
“You know exactly what I mean, twit! Why aren’t you with that sweet smelling hunk?”
“I’m not ready for a hunk just yet, no matter how sweet he smells.”
