by Kitty Margo
“When will you ever learn, girlfriend? I thought I had raised you to know that the only way to get over one man is to get under another.”
The thought of getting under any man right now actually made me nauseous.
“Put on your suit and let’s go get pickled in the hot tub.”
“Didn’t the sign at the pool say the hot tub closes at 10:00 pm?”
“Since when have you and I obeyed rules? You weren’t worried about rules when you broke into Adam’s house confiscating everything from phone numbers to a disposable camera, now were you?”
She was slightly tipsy, I could tell. It was 3:30 in the morning and I didn’t see much chance of my over imbibed ass getting any sleep tonight. “Give me a minute to change.”
“Hurry up, I don’t intend to spend my last night at the beach sleeping.”
Minutes later, I slid down into the hot tub as the steaming churning water enveloped my body and lapped around my chin. It felt heavenly. Totally relaxed, I laid my head back and gazed at the stars trying to get my blurred thoughts together. I knew there was something important that I should remember. What was it? “Oh! Guess what?”
“What?”
“Guess?”
“Okay,” she said, gazing up at the stars and pretending to ponder. “Stephen only has one nut?”
“I wouldn’t know, he might. Tammy is with a white boy.”
Her eyes flew open and she sat straight up so suddenly that her too skimpy bathing suit top was left hanging underneath her massive mammaries. “No way! Stop lying!”
“I am not lying. They were going to his room to watch a movie. I swear.”
“Uh huh, the only movie they’ll be watching tonight is that Kardashian girl’s porn video.” She laughed, mirroring my thoughts exactly.
“I don’t imagine that sex tape would be any more titillating than the scene old boy is watching.” I pointed to the man a few feet away, drooling over his balcony rail, and then to her bare bosom.
Far from being embarrassed and hastily covering herself, as I would have, the exhibitionist sat up straighter and placed her elbows on the edge of the hot tub to make her boobs jut out even further and bounce merrily on the surface of the water. “Let him look. I’m sure the poor man rarely sees a set of girls like these.”
I half expected her to start squeezing her nipples and moaning for him and she probably would if I hadn’t shocked her with my tale of Tammy and the White Boy.
“How did he look?” She cut her eyes toward the man to assure that he was still partaking of the bountiful feast displayed before his eyes. He was.
“Um… well.”
“Seriously? Did the poor thing look that bad?”
“Worse. Tammy really wants a rich boy. She’s tired of being a struggling single parent. I think she wants to be you.”
“It won’t take her long to realize that wealth isn’t everything.”
“It helps though.”
“True. Well, at least she’s getting laid. That’s more than I can say for the two of us.” Then she glanced at the mesmerized man on the balcony. “I wonder if he would be interested in nibbling on a set of lips?”
I was almost positive that she wasn’t referring to the siliconed set either. “Surely, you aren’t going to ask?”
Laughing raucously, she slid under the water and adjusted her top. “He has seen enough to get his jollies.” She laid her head back and nudged my leg with her toe. “How are you doing, Eve? I mean really? None of your contrived bullshit.”
I thought about this a minute before answering. “I guess it’s true what they say about time healing all wounds. I have actually been having fun this weekend. Who would have thought? Thank you, for insisting I come, Teri.”
“Anytime, sweetie. But next time don’t be such a pain in the rear when I suggest something. Just remember I know best.”
“I’ll remember. I find that each day it seems to hurt less and less. Since Sunday is their wedding day I hope to finally find closure.”
“Who knows? That yummy smelling Stephen just might be the man to help you forget about Adam, even if he does only have one nut.”
“Afraid not.” I really hated to burst her bubble and inform her that the mighty Eve had struck out once again. “Unfortunately, I found out tonight that our Stephen not only lives here, but is also very married.”
“Good Lord! Must every man you meet be a chronic liar?”
“Sure seems that way, doesn’t it? And I never even got to find out if he had both nuts. Anyway, it’s hot as Hades in here and I’m getting out.”
“Me too. Let’s go to bed. I am totally exhausted from singing. It felt like I was performing again and I had a blast! This has been a weekend to remember.”
All of us would agree to that.
Ever mindful of the wedding back home, we lounged on the beach and waited until late in the evening to leave.
Tammy left considering herself to be on easy street the rest of her life with Melvin the trust fund baby. It would seem he had the ability to do “the betheth thing” with such proficiency that he had succeeded in wiping the entire Mexican population from her feverish mind. He had promised to visit her at home the following weekend.
Mallory was strongly considering leaving Antwan, her live in boyfriend, for Tyrick. If she asked for my opinion, I would urge her to stay with Antwan. Anyone could tell that Tyrick was the very definition of a player.
Teri was still hearing the applause from last night’s karaoke performances ringing in her ears, humming 80’s songs and planning our next fun filled weekend on the fabulous Grand Strand.
“Teri gave an encore performance after karaoke last night.” I couldn’t suppress a snicker as I brought them up to speed on her hot tub debut.
“Mallory,” Teri asked, “have you ever had your lips nibbled on while in a hot tub. It is the most divine experience.”
“Hell, no! It could give me a spontaneous orgasm just thinking about it, but you know most black men are afraid of water.”
They talked nonstop sex on the ride home while my mind, against my will, kept drifting to the Catholic Church. Today marked a new chapter in my life.
Today Adam would be a married man.
Eleven
On a Monday night in June we were at Tammy’s house for girl’s night. Licking her tongue around the salted rim of her margarita glass, Teri asked, “Tammy, have you heard from the limber lipped Melvin yet?”
“Hell, no! The lying bathard! Not a word!” Tammy chugged her margarita. “I with I could get my handth around hith lying neck.”
“Typical lying male.” I said. “It’s a unfortunate fact that the world’s full of them.”
“Lying bastard and she wishes she could get her hands around his lying neck, right? What about you, Mallory?” Teri asked. “Any word from Tyrick?”
“Nope, and his phone has been disconnected.” Mallory bit into a taco and the sauce dribbled down her chin as she chewed with a vengeance. Then she drained her margarita. “Can you believe that shit?” She held her taco in one hand and motioned toward her camel toe with the other. “Can you believe a man didn’t come back for more of this?”
“That’s a conundrum that will leave me puzzled for months to come,” Teri said while salting her glass and pouring another drink. “What about you, Eve? Do you have any encouraging news from the dating front?”
I would swell up like a toad and my blood pressure would shoot out the roof of my head if I consumed that much salt. I love salt but, unfortunately, my body can only handle it in very limited doses. “Nope, no news.”
“Nope,” Mallory was quick to agree on my behalf. “She just sits at home watching CNN and waiting to see what the next disaster will be. How depressing is that?”
“I like to keep abreast of things, Mallory. Is that a crime?”
“Oh, Eve, I’ve been meaning to ask you. What does your mom say about the world ending in 2012? Has she spoken to the man upstairs about it?”
“I’m sure she has, but she also quoted me some scripture. I don’t remember the exact words, but basically it said that not even the angels in heaven know the appointed hour that the end of time will come. So, if the angels don’t know, then she certainly isn’t going to give much credit to some ancient Mayan predictions.”
“Good, if she’s not worried then I’m not either. If anyone has a direct link to God, it’s your mom.”
“Amen,” Tammy agreed.
“Now Teri,” Mallory said. “To answer your question about Eve’s love life or lack thereof, the answer is no. She never goes out. She refuses to even go to clubs with me. I guess we need another beach trip.”
“I choose not to go out looking for men, simply because I’m not ready for a relationship right now.” I was happy to inform the thirsty trio of this, as I spooned huge dollops of sour cream on my taco. The tacos would be so much better with some diced tomatoes, but Tammy had never been known to purchase a tomato. “I’m going to be alone and learn to be happy with myself. I don’t need a man to complete me. That is unless George Clooney comes to his senses and decides to give me a call. What has what’s her face got that I don’t have anyway? Just one hour with him. That’s all I would ask for.”
“If I could have one hour with anybody, let’s see,” Mallory said. “It would have to be Snoop Dog.”
“Whatever for!” Teri cried. “He is so tall and skinny. If I were going to do a rapper, it would have to be Jay-Z. He is seriously fine. Beyonce is one lucky girl.”
“Nope. Snoop Dog for me.” Mallory near salivated at the thought. “He looks so thuggish. And you know what they say about those tall skinny men? Trust someone who can speak from experience, it is all true. What about you, Tammy.”
“Mario Cimarro.”
“Who’s that?”
“A Thanith thoap thar. He is tho fine. But it would take longer than an hour. I would want the entire night with that man.”
“A Spanish soap star, right? Well, at least Eve is beginning to think about other men, even if George is slightly out of reach. And the part about her being alone for a while and learning to be happy with herself is the smartest thing I have heard her say in…well… in forever.”
“Thank you Teri. Your approval means so much to me.”
“Lying bitch.”
“I wonder how Adam and Chia are doing.” Tammy had to ruin the evening by pondering this question.
“Justin says Chia has started slipping out at night to meet Chris. It seems Adam has awakened several times at night and found her gone. He said Adam was also complaining about how much money she spends. It seems he is forced to let his bills pile up for months at a time in order to finance her Wal-Mart shopping sprees every Friday and keep her happy.”
“Serves the imbecile right.” Teri said. “He deserves to be treated the same way he treated you. I hope she ruins him financially.
“I bet if Adam lost his job and couldn’t buy her everything she wanted, Chia would leave him in a hot minute.” Mallory said.
“Of course she would,” Teri agreed. “Even Adam is smart enough to realize that.”
Then Tammy brought out what we had all been waiting for, a banana pudding made with Splenda to satisfy the diva, and we were too busy eating to talk for a while.
While we were clearing the table, Tammy totally surprised us by announcing, “I have been thinking about going on a cruith. Who wanth to go?”
“I do!” I said. “That would be so much fun, the four of us on a cruise. “Let’s plan it for the fall, after hurricane season has passed.”
“Let’s make it a singles cruise,” Mallory pleaded. “I doubt there would be many single men on one of those fun ships that cater to families.”
“I’ll go online tomorrow and start checking websites for a good deal,” Teri said. “Any particular destination in mind? I hear the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas is spectacular.”
“I have always wanted to go to Jamaica,” I said. “There is so much history there. I could spend days researching pirates and maybe tour a working sugar cane plantation.”
Tenderhearted Mallory asked, “Does Haiti have a cruise ship port? I would love to spend my vacation doing whatever I could to help those poor earthquake victims.”
“I don’t know for sure, Mallory. I certainly will check for you though. But why not just send Samaritans Purse a check,” Teri said. “Billy Graham’s son, Franklin, runs that organization, so you know the money will actually go to help the Haitian people and not some corporate CEO.” Teri grabbed her latest Louie and stood up to leave. “So which is it, Jamaica or the Bahamas?”
At that moment, Tammy stood up with a fierce look of determination in her eyes, placed her hands on her hips and said with meaning, “Have you all loth your freaking minth? You know damn well we are cruithing to Mexico.”
Evidently, we had all lost our minds. Tammy very rarely voiced an opinion. She always went along with the crowd. We felt terrible that she hadn’t heard a single word from Melvin since returning from the beach, so we were thrilled to witness this new and improved version.
“Okay.” We were all in agreement. “Cozumel it is.”
“I’ll call you all tomorrow and tell you about the deals I found,” Teri said. “Start shopping for cruise ship attire, girls.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Mallory called to me as we were leaving. “Are you coming to work?”
“No, I probably won't make it in tomorrow. I have to pick up supplies in the morning and then I have a Chamber meeting at lunch. I’ll call you sometime tomorrow.”
The following morning I attended the monthly meeting of the Chamber Of Commerce. I had joined four years earlier hoping to attract business and get to know fellow self‑employers. We had a catered lunch consisting of chicken salad with grapes on croissants, chips, pickles and sweet tea and then sat down to the meeting.
I hadn’t attended a meeting in months due to my journey into limbo, and saw that we had acquired a new member during my absence. She was tall, short red hair, no make up and she sat next to me.
“Hi.” I greeted her, extending my hand. “I’m Eve Bryson. I don’t think we’ve met.”
“Marilyn Little.” She introduced herself and shook my hand. “No we haven’t and it’s nice to meet you.”
The pudgy owner of a men’s clothing store uptown coughed to gain everyone’s attention and then called the meeting to order. “Good day, everyone. Thank you all for coming. As our first order of business today I would like to introduce our newest member.” Then with a flourish, he waved to her. “Marilyn, would you care to tell us about your enterprise?”
Marilyn stood up. You could tell immediately that she was a take-charge kind of gal.
“Hello everyone. My name is Marilyn Little. My husband and I moved here recently from Pennsylvania and my business is called Inner Awakenings. I am a hypnotist.”
Oh! She should go far in this town! I chuckled to myself, as did some others, while a few sat up and took notice.
“Can you make someone stop smoking?” Tom the owner of a Heating and Air business and a chain smoker for 30 years asked.
“I will let you answer that question yourself.” Marilyn moved around the table passing out cards. “To drum up some business, I’m giving everyone here a free one hour session.”
“Free? Great! Thanks!” Tom was immediately interested. He should be with that florid face and rasping wheeze. “Do you have your appointment book with you?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
“Do you have anything for tomorrow?”
Of the 12 members in attendance 4 used their free coupons then she turned to me. “How about you, Eve? Is there anything I could help you with?”
“Nothing that could be fixed in an hour, I can assure you.” I laughed somewhat nervously. I wasn’t about to let someone hypnotize me.
She was probably a fake anyway. I had gone to the Comedy Zone once and watched a hypnotist make an entire stage o
f people do everything from bark like dogs to pretend their chairs were their lovers. It had been hilarious.
“Then you keep coming back until it is fixed. Come on, I need someone to spread the word about my amazing talent.” Her smile was very warm and welcoming. She was one of those people you couldn’t help but like instantly. “Help a fellow small business owner out here,” she cajoled. “It’s free and you have nothing to lose.”
Why not? What could I lose? I remembered several years earlier when I had first started my business how kind and helpful members of the Chamber had been to me. Evidently, it was pay back time. “Okay, pencil me in.”
“How does Wednesday at 2:00 sound?”
“Sounds good.” I embellished that part. Nothing sounded good about it at all.
Of all the stupid things! How did I allow myself to get talked into a visit with a hypnotist? Me? Someone who could make a telemarketer wish he had never rolled out of bed that morning. I could just hear my Dad's guffaws if he ever found this out.
Twelve
All too soon, Wednesday afternoon rolled around and I arrived at the directions on Marilyn’s card with ten minutes to spare. A long driveway with pecan trees on each side led to a beautiful old country farm house with a wrap around porch, a billowing American flag and dozens of hanging ferns. Cow pastures surrounded the house and as I parked under the shade of a tree cows lowed at me from all directions. Several large dogs came running as soon as I opened the door.
Marilyn came to the door calling the dogs by name and ordering them to hush. “Come in. Would you like a glass of tea or coffee?”
“Whatever you’re having.” I was already regretting the decision to come here. This was really beyond stupid.
“Sweet tea. I've become quite fond of it since I’ve been in the South. And, Eve, don’t be nervous. You seem nervous.”
“Well, this is a first. I can honestly say that I’ve never been hypnotized before.” I took the glass of tea and followed her up a curving, wooden staircase. “You have a very beautiful home, Marilyn.”
