Wonderfully Wacky Families

by Jackie French

‘Hey, want to swap?’ asked Linda. ‘I’ve never eaten banana sandwiches.’

  TJ passed them over. ‘I’ve got banana cake too,’ he said.

  ‘Super saporous!’ said Linda, passing him her carrot cake. ‘That means tasty,’ she added. ‘My grandpop makes the carrot cake. Pop loves carrot cake. But I get sick of it.’

  ‘My gran loves banana cake.’ TJ stopped suddenly. Had he said the wrong thing? But other grans must love banana cake. Loving banana cake didn’t automatically make your gran a gorilla. He tried to think of a way to change the subject. Something to make his family seem really normal…

  Wheeeeeeeee…Egbert’s skateboard zoomed down the tree beside them, over the playground and disappeared behind the toilets.

  Linda blinked. ‘Hey, did you see that?’

  ‘See what?’

  ‘A slug on a skateboard!’

  ‘Um…It was a…a…thingummy,’ said TJ. ‘You know—the things people see in deserts!’

  ‘A mirage?’

  ‘Yes. We often get them here. It’s the heat,’ he added quickly.

  ‘That was an awfully limacine mirage,’ said Linda. ‘Limacine means slimy, by the way.’

  ‘Ummm…we often get mirages in Gobbledegook! Especially limacine ones. How are you finding school?’ TJ said, changing the subject.

  Linda cast a last glance over at the toilets, as though expecting to see an Egbert-shaped mirage come back Rollerblading this time, then took a bite of the banana sandwich. ‘It’s okay. Mr Pifflewhiskers is a bit…well…different from most teachers though. Hey, this banana sandwich is splendiferous!’

  ‘Mr Pifflewhiskers hasn’t been here long,’ said TJ. ‘He’s just replacing Miss Bonanza while she’s on long service leave. What do you mean, odd?’

  Mr Pifflewhiskers had seemed quite normal to him. TJ bet Mr Pifflewhiskers didn’t have a Giant Skateboarding Slug in his briefcase. Or a gorilla gran waiting for him back home.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Linda slowly. ‘It’s just his car…’

  ‘It’s just an ordinary gold sports car with fur seats and a DVD player and a drink dispenser in the back,’ said TJ, watching the way Linda’s pigtails bounced when she talked.

  ‘And the motorbike he came in on last Friday…’

  ‘It’s just an ordinary twelve-cylinder 6000-horsepowermotorbike with a heated seat and handles and a wraparound stereo system.’

  ‘And that boat he’s got tied up in the creek…’

  ‘The forty-metre yacht with two bathrooms and a satellite TV. Mr Pifflewhiskers likes to go fishing.’

  ‘In the creek? What’s to catch in Gobbledegook Creek?’

  ‘Well, there are tadpoles,’ said TJ. ‘And my sister Tarzanne caught an eel there once.’ And brought it home so Gran could teach it sign language, he thought. But Linda didn’t need to know that. No matter what, Linda had to think he was just like everyone else.

  ‘I’ve just never known a teacher to have all those,’ finished Linda. ‘A pretty peculiar pedagogue, in fact.’

  ‘He’s probably good at saving up for things,’ said TJ. ‘But he’s an okay teacher.’ TJ stared at the spangles on Linda’s school shoes, and the tiny elephant tattooed on her ankle. She really was the coolest girl in the universe!

  ‘Yes, I suppose he’s okay,’ said Linda. ‘Except…’

  ‘Except what?’ asked TJ. This was great—the conversation had stayed right away from gorillas! And bananas too! Even Egbert had stayed out of sight!

  ‘Well, he doesn’t teach much, does he? I mean he

  just brings in those DVDs for us to watch.’

  ‘It’s a great DVD player,’ said TJ. ‘And that giant screen is cool!’

  ‘In my last school we had things like maths and spelling and homework every night.’

  ‘Miss Bonanza made us do those,’ TJ assured her. ‘Maybe Mr Pifflewhiskers just has a different teaching style.’

  ‘Yeah. Maybe,’ said Linda.

  ‘And he does give us homework! Remember? Tonight we have to research the best computer brands.’

  ‘Because he wants to purchase a new computer for his bathroom next week,’ finished Linda. ‘But that’s not genuine homework. I don’t suppose…’ she added.

  ‘What?’ asked TJ.

  ‘You’d…um…like to…maybe you and I could perambulate over to your place after school this afternoon…’

  TJ blinked. ‘Perambu-when?’

  ‘Walk,’ said Linda. ‘Walk to your place after school. We could do the research together.’

  Wow! TJ stared at her. It sounded like paradise—just him and Linda scrolling down websites and maybe then they could go for a walk…er…a perambulate, and Gran would make a fresh banana cake…

  TJ gulped. Gran! There was no way—no way at all—that Linda could ever visit his place!

  ‘I’m…er…sorry,’ he said. ‘I’m busy this afternoon.’ He brightened. ‘Maybe tomorrow I could come over to your place…’

  ‘No,’ said Linda hurriedly. ‘Tomorrow afternoon I’m going to be busy.’

  TJ bit his lip. He’d offended her. Now she’d think he was rude as well as dumb! How could he make things better, he wondered, as the bell rang. Maybe…maybe…

  ‘Ow!’ cried Linda.

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘You know that mirage you were talking about?’

  ‘Yes,’ said TJ.

  ‘Well, it just skateboarded over my foot.’

  CHAPTER 4

  Gran Comes to School

  The afternoon dragged on. Even the DVD Mr Pifflewhiskers put on for them while he pored over computer brochures didn’t help.

  TJ stared out the window at Egbert happily zooming along a gum tree branch then soaring across the playground to the boys’ toilet roof.

  It was possibly the most daring leap ever attempted by a Giant Skateboarding Slug. But even that couldn’t cheer TJ up.

  Linda must think him a total dodo! Why couldn’t he have thought faster? Said that Dad was painting the house or something, so why didn’t they go to the library, or have a milkshake at the café, instead of sounding like he didn’t want her anywhere near their house.

  Of course he didn’t want her anywhere near the house. But that just made it worse.

  There was a knock on the classroom door. TJ dragged his gaze away from Egbert dashing across the office roof. It was Mrs Thumper, who did the office work and cleaned the school. She was chewing, and held a slice of something in her hand.

  TJ stared. It looked like a slice of Gran’s banana cake!

  Mr Pifflewhiskers looked up from his computer brochures. ‘Yes, Mrs Thumper?’

  ‘It’s TJ’s gran,’ said Mrs Thumper, swallowing her mouthful of banana cake. ‘She has an urgent message for him.’

  TJ froze.

  It couldn’t be Gran! Gran never went where anyone could see her. It couldn’t be Gran! And surely Mrs Thumper would be screaming, or fainting, or something, if a gorilla had walked into the front office. It must be someone pretending to be Gran.

  But why would anyone want to pretend to be his grandmother?

  Mrs Thumper moved aside. And suddenly there she was…

  Gran!

  TJ blinked. Or was it?

  This gran wore jeans and a long sleeved blouse and a scarf about her neck. Her hair was long and…and green! thought TJ, stunned. Just like the green wig Jane 3 used to wear at Halloween. There was a giant hat on her head and lipstick around her mouth and she wore pink nail polish too. One leathery hand held a plate of banana cake and the other a walking stick to help her stay upright. Gran could walk upright for half-a-dozen paces, but then her long arms sagged down to the floor again.

  TJ gulped. It really was Gran.

  Mr Pifflewhiskers was staring. The class was staring too. Gran didn’t look like a gorilla. But she didn’t look exactly like other grans either!

  ‘Geek,’ Gran hooted. She held out the plate of banana cake to Mr Pifflewhiskers. Mr Pifflewhiskers took a slice automa
tically. He was still staring.

  ‘TJ’s gran’s got a funny flat nose,’ whispered one of the little kids in the row behind TJ.

  ‘I think she looks cool!’ said Linda. ‘Green hair! Splendiferous! And she’s got the nicest brown eyes,’ she added.

  TJ stood up. His knees were wobbly but somehow they managed to support him. ‘Gran was in an accident,’ he said. He didn’t dare look at Linda. Well, it was true. Gran had lived through the accident that killed her family—her other family, back in the jungle.

  But how had Gran managed to tell Mrs Thumper she had a message for him? And it must be really urgent, TJ realised, for Gran to risk coming to school.

  What could have happened?

  ‘Your Gran has laryngitis,’ Mrs Thumper said with a kind smile. ‘Poor thing.’

  ‘Geek,’ agreed Gran. She pulled a typed note out of her handbag and handed it to Mr Pifflewhiskers. Mr Pifflewhiskers stared at Gran, then at the banana cake in his hand, then at the note. Then he looked back up at TJ.

  ‘Your gran’s note says you’re needed at home,’ he said, taking a mouthful of cake. ‘Off you go, boy!’ Mr Pifflewhiskers beamed at Gran. ‘This is the best banana cake I’ve ever tasted!’

  ‘Gook,’ said Gran proudly.

  ‘Yes, Mr Pifflewhiskers. Thank you, Mr Pifflewhiskers,’ said TJ. He grabbed his school-bag from outside the door, then waited for Gran to shuffle down the two steps from the veranda.

  ‘Gran! What’s wrong?’ he demanded as soon as they were out of sight of the classroom.

  Gran looked anxious. ‘Geek! Gook geek!’ she exclaimed.

  ‘Yes, your note said it was urgent! How did you write the note, anyway?’ Gran could use a special computer program that used pictures, but she couldn’t write English.

  ‘Gook geek gook,’ said Gran proudly.

  ‘You emailed Dad in your picture script and he emailed the note to you and you printed it off? That was cool, Gran!’ said TJ. ‘But why? And where is Baby Jane? At the babysitter? Gran, what is all this?’

  ‘Geek geek geek,’ said Gran, bouncing up and down on her long arms. She waved her huge hands towards the edge of town.

  ‘What do you mean, I need to come with you? I am coming with you!’ Suddenly TJ remembered Egbert. ‘Egbert!’ he yelled.

  Egbert zoomed off the toilet roof and landed splat! Next to them. He did a sharp circuit around TJ’s feet, up and over his knees and onto TJ’s head.

  ‘Hey, get your slime out of my hair! Come on, we have to leave.’ TJ plucked Egbert up and shoved him into his school-bag. Egbert’s face popped up again, his eyestalks waving furiously.

  ‘Me want to stay at school!’ signed Egbert angrily.

  ‘Well you can’t,’ said TJ. ‘Not without me.’

  ‘Me bite your bum!’ signed Egbert even more furiously.

  ‘With what?’ asked TJ. ‘Slugs don’t have teeth!’

  ‘Me slug your bum then. When you asleep tonight me leave slime all over pyjamas!’

  ‘Be quiet,’ ordered TJ. ‘This is serious. Gran, why have you come here? You have to tell me what this is all about!’

  But Gran just shrugged. And with a gorilla, that was quite a sight. Then she beckoned.

  TJ sighed, and followed her.

  CHAPTER 5

  Into the Bush

  TJ trudged nervously beside Gran, as she knuckled down the road that led out of town, forcing herself upright only when a car passed them by.

  What on earth was Gran thinking about? wondered TJ. What could possibly be so urgent that she’d risk being discovered?

  ‘Gran,’ he hissed.

  ‘Geek?’ said Gran.

  ‘Look out! The bushfire truck is coming!’

  ‘Gook!’ said Gran. She hoisted herself up on her walking stick again, and made sure her hat was straight, just as the Gobbledegook Volunteer Bushfire Brigade truck drove past them. Big Marge from the library was driving it, with Very Big Sean Bonanza (he was Miss Bonanza’s dad) sitting next to her.

  Very Big Sean leant out and waved at them. ‘Hi TJ! Hi Mrs…er…um. How you doing?’

  ‘Fine Very Big Sean!’ called TJ. ‘How is Miss Bonanza enjoying her holiday?’

  ‘Loves it! Just sent us a postcard from Fiji.’

  ‘See you next time you’re in the library!’ yelled Big Marge, gazing curiously at Gran’s green hair. ‘Is that your gran? That book you ordered for her on the history of the banana is in.’

  ‘I’ll pick it up for her tomorrow,’ called TJ.

  ‘Geek!’ agreed Gran, waving her leathery hand at them.

  TJ let out a sigh of relief as the truck disappeared in a haze of dust. The sooner they were off the road and Gran was out of sight the better. Very Big Sean was really nice, and Big Marge could pull a fire hose out faster than any fire person in the universe—but there was no way they’d understand about Gran, TJ thought. They’d report her and Gran would have to go to a zoo, or even back to the jungle…

  TJ shook his head. Didn’t Gran understand the risk she was taking, coming out in public like this? Sooner, or later, someone just had to guess Gran wasn’t a normal gran at all.

  ‘Gran, stop it,’ he hissed, as Gran signed, ‘Hi, how are you going?’ to a passing terrier. ‘People don’t talk to dogs!’

  ‘Geek,’ said Gran, offering the terrier a piece of banana cake from her handbag.

  TJ sighed. ‘Okay, maybe people should talk to dogs. I can’t help it if people are rude. And most people don’t offer dogs banana cake either.’

  ‘Geek?’ asked Gran.

  ‘Because banana cake is bad for them. It makes dogs fat!’

  ‘Geek geek geek,’ hooted Gran.

  ‘Yes Gran, I know dogs wouldn’t get fat if people took them for a walk more often. Look. Just try to act normal. Please!’

  Gran patted his head with her leathery hand with its pink fingernails. ‘Gook,’ she said. But at least she stopped offering banana cake to passing dogs.

  At last they reached the outskirts of town. Gran stopped. She sniffed the air, then leapt over the fence. TJ crawled between the fence wires and followed her, as Gran knuckled her way between the cow pats.

  The cows looked at them nervously. Gran was probably the first gorilla they’d ever seen, thought TJ. She was probably the first gorilla to offer them a slice of banana cake too.

  ‘Is this what you wanted to show me, Gran?’ asked TJ. ‘Just cows in a paddock?’

  Gran shook her head. ‘Geek,’ she said, putting one last slice of banana cake down for the cows. She knuckled her way up the hill. TJ followed her. The scattered trees grew more thickly here, as the paddock ended and the real bush began.

  Egbert stuck his head out of the school-bag. ‘Me want lettuce!’ he signed.

  ‘Well, you can’t have any,’ said TJ.

  ‘Me kick your kneecaps!’ threatened Egbert.

  ‘There isn’t any blasted lettuce!’ yelled TJ. A demanding slug was the last straw. ‘Not till we get home!’

  Egbert thought about that for a second. ‘Me have nap then.’ He stuck his head back in the bag.

  Gran was still now, sniffing all about her. Suddenly she pointed at the ground a little way ahead. ‘Geeeeek!’

  TJ stared. ‘Wow! That’s the biggest cow pat I’ve ever seen.’

  ‘Gook!’ hooted Gran crossly. She shook her head so hard that her hat flew off.

  TJ frowned. ‘What do you mean it’s not a cow pat?”

  ‘Gook gook gook!’ cried Gran, picking the hat up and jamming it on her green wig. She clasped her hands together and stretched out her arms and swung them in

  front of her, lifting her feet and plonking them down as hard as she could.

  ‘Gooo-ooo-ook,’ trumpeted Gran.

  TJ stared. Surely Gran couldn’t mean THAT!

  ‘Gran, that’s impossible! You’re imagining things,’ he cried.

  ‘Geek!’ Gran bounced up and down on her knuckles. ‘Geek-eeek-eeek!’

  ‘But Gran!’ cr
ied TJ. ‘It can’t be an elephant!’

  ‘Geek!’

  ‘There aren’t any elephants in Australia. Well, not around here, anyway,’ he added. ‘You don’t just go walking in the bush and trip over an elephant.’

  ‘Gook,’ said Gran stubbornly.

  TJ sighed. ‘Look, Gran, just because there is a great big splodgy dropping…’

  ‘Geeek!’ Gran sniffed loudly.

  ‘And just because you think you can smell an elephant…’ TJ sniffed. ‘I can’t smell anything at all.’

  ‘Geek!’ Gran stomped on the ground again, and pointed.

  ‘And just because there are some great big elephant footprints…’ TJ broke off, and stared at the footprints. They were big. They were round. And they had certainly not been made by a cow.

  ‘Oh,’ said TJ.

  ‘Geek,’ said Gran triumphantly, bouncing up and down on her hands.

  ‘Okay,’ TJ said. ‘There’s an elephant in the bush. So what? Why is an elephant so important that you have to drag me out of school?’

  ‘Geek,’ said Gran gently. She shoved her hat back on her head, and knuckled her way up and over the hill to the gully on the other side.

  TJ looked around. There wasn’t much to see, just a trickle of water down the gully, some scattered bushes, and a giant wombat hole in the bank.

  Gran crouched down by the wombat hole and hooted softly. ‘Gook gook gook!’

  TJ knelt beside her. ‘Gran, what are you doing?’

  Gran ignored him. She hooted again. ‘Gook gook gook!’ This time she banged a rock onto the ground outside the wombat hole.

  Now something moved deep inside the hole. Something shuffled down towards them, closer and closer.

  A brown nose poked out. It twitched at them sleepily, its eyes half shut.

  It was a wombat.

  TJ sighed, and waited for Gran to sign to it. But instead the wombat trundled further out, then hefted up its bum. A series of brown squarish droppings bounced onto the ground. Gran bent down and sniffed them.

  ‘Gran!’ yelled TJ. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’

  Gran straightened. ‘Geek!’ she told him.