Wonderfully Wacky Families

by Jackie French

  ‘Burp,’ went the toad. It looked around for more flies.

  Dad laughed. ‘They’re very rare,’ he said. ‘We ordered it over the internet! But we had to wait two years to receive it.’

  ‘But how did you know I wanted a toad!’ cried Drackie.

  ‘We guessed,’ said Mum gently.

  ‘Especially when you borrowed thirty-six books on toads from the school library,’ added Dad. ‘It was a pretty good clue.’

  ‘Croak,’ said the vampire toad. Its long tongue licked Drackie’s cheek briefly, then zotted another fly.

  Cousin Snot reached over and stroked the toad. ‘It’s pretty cool,’ she said. ‘For a toad, anyway. But what are you going to do with it? You can’t play with a toad or teach it tricks!’

  ‘Yes I can,’ said Drackie. He gazed at the toad adoringly. ‘I’m going to call you Fang,’ he said.

  ‘Burp,’ went the toad happily.

  CHAPTER 3

  Fang

  It was a dark and stormy night as Drackie, Fang and Cousin Snot ran down the stairs of the castle. Or at least Drackie and Cousin Snot ran, and Fang hopped on his big sticky feet.

  Fang liked living in the castle.

  He sat on Drackie’s shoulder at meal times, and zotted the flies that buzzed around Plop’s head. He shared Drackie’s chocolate bloodshakes after he finished schoolwork for the night. He even shared Drackie’s coffin during the day. There were a few problems of course. Fang had to learn not to jump till he was out of the coffin or he’d hit his head on the lid, and not to bounce onto Plop’s head either, in case it fell off.

  But once Drackie explained to him that good toads never vampirised the mailman who brought the mail over on the ferry to Vampire Island once a week, everything was fine. (The mailman was really nice about the two little fang marks in his ankle, especially after Drackie gave him some bandaids.) And after that the mailman made sure he delivered letters during the day when all the vampires and Fang were asleep.

  ‘Can Fang really play hide-and-seek?’ panted Cousin Snot as they reached the front door.

  ‘Croak,’ said Fang, jumping up onto Drackie’s shoulder.

  ‘I’ve been training him,’ said Drackie. ‘Sit Fang!’

  Fang jumped down onto the doormat. He looked adoringly up at Drackie for a second, then leapt up onto something grey just outside the door and stuck his fangs into it.

  ‘Croak!’ he said.

  ‘What’s he sitting on?’ asked Cousin Snot.

  ‘Just some bone,’ said Drackie.

  ‘It looks like a foot!’ said Cousin Snot. She bent down. ‘It is a foot!’ she exclaimed.

  ‘Fang!’ roared Drackie.

  ‘Croak…’ said Fang guiltily. He took his fangs out of the foot and tried to look as though he didn’t know it was there.

  ‘Have you been jumping on Plop again?’ roared Drackie.

  ‘Burp,’ burped Fang.

  ‘You know you’re not supposed to do that! Good toads don’t jump on zombies! And vampires on Vampire Island don’t suck their prey live! And that also goes for vampire toads!’

  ‘Croak,’ said Fang apologetically.

  Drackie picked up the foot and examined it. ‘Only a few fang marks,’ he said, relieved. ‘I can fill them in with Blu-tak. Plop will never notice. Bad toad,’ he added. ‘Good toads don’t vampirise feet, even if they are lying around.’

  Fang looked pleadingly at Drackie, ‘Croak,’ he said hopefully.

  ‘It’s not his fault,’ said Cousin Snot, bending down to pat Fang’s warty head. ‘It must be hard for a toad to know what he can vampirise and what he can’t.’

  ‘I know,’ said Drackie. ‘But he still has to learn.’

  Drackie put the foot up on the hat stand where Plop would see it and Fang couldn’t reach it, then bent down to Fang. ‘Now Fang…we’re going to hide. And you are going to seek!’

  ‘Croak!’ said Fang.

  ‘Does he really understand?’ asked Cousin Snot.

  ‘Fang is the most intelligent toad in the world,’ said Drackie. ‘Aren’t you Fang?’

  ‘Croak,’ agreed Fang.

  ‘OK!’ said Drackie. ‘Fang will count to two hundred then come after us.’

  ‘Can he count too?’ asked Cousin Snot, impressed.

  ‘Only flies,’ said Drackie. ‘I really mean that when he’s zotted two hundred flies he’ll come after us. But that won’t take long—there’s always lots of flies when Plop’s been around. Come on, let’s go!’

  Drackie and Cousin Snot raced upstairs.

  ‘Where will we hide?’ gasped Cousin Snot.

  ‘Behind the turret door,’ panted Drackie.

  ‘But that’s right at the top of the castle!’

  ‘I know. Fang will have to search every floor before he finds us.’

  ‘And we’ll have to climb four hundred stairs!’ Cousin Snot shook her head. ‘I wish we’d started changing into bats. Then we could just fly up there!’

  ‘Not long now!’ said Drackie happily. ‘I bet I get to be a bat before you,’ he added.

  ‘Well, yeah,’ said Cousin Snot. ‘You are older than me.’

  The two vampires pounded up the stairs.

  ‘A hundred and ninety-nine,’ panted Drackie. ‘Two hundred.’

  ‘Two hundred and one, two hundred and two,’ Cousin Snot ducked behind a door. ‘Come on. This’ll do!’

  ‘But we’re only halfway up!’

  ‘Exactly,’ said Cousin Snot. ‘But there were lots of flies around Plop’s hand down there. I bet Fang has zotted two hundred already!’

  Drackie stood behind the door and listened. Was that Fang leaping up the stairs?

  ‘How long have we been hiding?’ whispered Cousin Snot at last.

  ‘Don’t know,’ Drackie whispered back. ‘Fang’s never taken this long to find me before.’

  ‘Maybe he can’t find us?’

  ‘Fang always finds me,’ said Drackie.

  They waited some more.

  ‘I’m hungry,’ said Cousin Snot at last. ‘I bet your dopey toad’s got lost.’

  ‘But Fang never gets lost!’ said Drackie.

  ‘Huh! He’s only a toad, not a bloodhound! We’d better find him,’ said Cousin Snot. She stepped out from behind the door. ‘Fang! Here, boy. Fang! Nice toad. Where are you?’

  ‘Fang!’ called Drackie. ‘Fang!’

  Suddenly Drackie heard something…

  Footsteps, coming up the stairs.

  BIG footsteps…

  ‘You called, Master?’ said Plop.

  Drackie glanced down. Plop had sewn on his other foot. You could hardly see the fang marks, Drackie thought in relief. ‘I was calling Fang. Have you seen him?’

  ‘Me see him sitting on the doormat earlier, Master,’ said Plop.

  ‘I know. He was waiting for us to hide. Come on,’ he said to Cousin Snot. ‘We’d better go and look for him!’ The three of them started down the stairs.

  ‘Fang!’ called Drackie.

  ‘Fang!’ yelled Cousin Snot.

  ‘Here toadie, toadie, toadie! You come and get nice din-dins!’ cried Plop.

  Drackie stared at him. ‘Not your…’ he began.

  Plop grinned. He pulled a jar of flies out of his pocket. ‘If me give him flies, he won’t vampirise my ankle,’ said Plop. ‘Good deal, eh?’

  ‘Good deal,’ agreed Drackie. ‘Fang! Here, boy! Fang!’

  And then he saw it.

  CHAPTER 4

  Gone

  It was a dark and stormy night outside the castle. Rain gusted through the open front door, and lightning flashed brightly to show the note on the doorstep.

  Drackie picked it up. It was damp and the ink had begun to run.

  ‘We have your toad,’ he read out. ‘Leave the ransom of $100,000 under the back seat of the ferry next Tuesday, or else. Signed, the International Society of Toad Thieves.’

  ‘Or else what?’ whispered Cousin Snot.

  Drackie shook his head. ‘I d
on’t know! Maybe they’ll hurt Fang! Or sell him! Vampire toads are rare. What are we going to do?’

  ‘Me call your parents,’ said Plop. ‘Me call the whole island!’

  ‘I bet they’ll find Fang for you,’ said Cousin Snot comfortingly. ‘It’ll be easy! Any toad thief will be terrified of vampires! I bet the toad thieves are so scared by now they’re widdling themselves so hard they’ll drop Fang and…Hey, what’s that?’

  Cousin Snot bent down. ‘It’s a feather!’ she said, picking it up. ‘A bright pink one! What’s it doing there?’

  ‘Maybe one of the toad thieves wore a pink feather collar,’ suggested Plop.

  ‘It’s a clue!’ said Cousin Snot. ‘Kids in books are always finding clues. You get to find the bad guys really fast when you find a clue. All we have to do is find whoever wears pink feathers! Easy! Don’t worry,’ she added to Drackie. ‘I’m sure Fang will be OK.’

  ‘I hope so,’ whispered Drackie.

  The vampire clan met in the ballroom. It was just like the night of his party, Drackie thought miserably. But this time there was no cute little vampire toad leaping about around people’s ankles and looking for beetles to vampirise.

  Auntie Warts banged the hammer on the table. ‘I call the meeting to order.’

  ‘Didn’t have any of this meeting stuff when I was young,’ muttered Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great Uncle Spung. ‘If someone did something we didn’t like we just grabbed them by the throat and…’

  ‘But what sort of thief would take a vampire toad?’ said Auntie Warts quickly. ‘That’s what I’d like to know.’

  ‘And how did the toad thief get onto the island?’ cried Mum.

  ‘They can’t have come on the ferry!’ said Dad. ‘It doesn’t call in to the island today.’

  ‘Maybe they flew,’ suggested Cousin Snot.

  ‘Only vampires can fly, remember,’ said Auntie Warts. ‘After they start turning into bats,’ she added.

  ‘Birds fly too,’ argued Cousin Snot.

  ‘I don’t think a seagull stole Drackie’s toad,’ said Auntie Warts shortly. ‘The thieves must have come on a boat during the day, when we were all asleep. Then they sneaked up to the castle and grabbed little Fang when no one was looking.’

  ‘I don’t like it,’ said Uncle Blob. ‘Strangers prowling about while we’re asleep. It could be stake time for all of us! And that’s not spelled “steak” either. That’s why we all live on the island, to be safe from things like that.’

  ‘We’re safe locked up in our castles,’ said someone else. ‘It was just bad luck for Drackie that his castle door was open when the thieves arrived. But that thief took a real risk sneaking around when all of us were awake.’

  ‘The question really is,’ interrupted Dad, ‘how do we get Drackie’s toad back?’

  ‘Vampirise the toad thieves!’ yelled Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great Uncle Spung. ‘Give them a touch of the old suck and slurp! When I was young I could vampirise a whole…’

  ‘But how do we know who the thieves are?’ protested Mum. ‘We can’t vampirise them if we don’t know who they are! Not that we do vampirise anyone these days,’ she added hastily. ‘The old days are gone, Great Uncle. Remember, we’re civilised. We get our blood by mailorder now.’

  ‘What thief would dare to come onto an island of vampires?’ asked Auntie Warts. ‘If only we knew more about them!’

  Cousin Snot stood up. ‘We have a clue!’ she announced.

  ‘Good girl!’ cried Auntie Warts. ‘What is it?’

  Cousin Snot held up the pink feather. ‘This was by the ransom note.’

  ‘A feather!’ cried Dad. ‘What sort of thief would wear…’ Suddenly his eyes opened wide. ‘Oh,’ he said.

  ‘The last time I saw a feather like that,’ said Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great Uncle Spung, reminiscently, ‘was on Auntie Chook. She wears feathers all the time.’

  ‘But Chook wouldn’t do something like that!’ cried Dad. ‘Not steal a kid’s pet toad!’

  ‘She was terribly angry with us all,’ said one of the uncles thoughtfully.

  ‘And she’d certainly dare to come onto an island of vampires,’ added someone else. ‘After all, she’s one herself.’

  ‘She could even fly here!’ said Uncle Blob.

  ‘You know what happens when a vampire goes bad…’ said Auntie Warts.

  ‘What?’ asked Cousin Snot.

  ‘He-he-he,’ said Great Uncle. ‘They…’

  ‘Never you mind,’ said Auntie Warts firmly. ‘You’re too young to know things like that! That’s quite enough about Auntie Chook. No, it doesn’t matter who took Fang!’

  ‘Why not?’ asked Mum.

  ‘Because whoever it is lives on the mainland. And it’s not safe for any of us to go there…there are too many

  vampire hunters there! We just have to pay the ransom, that’s all there is to it!’

  ‘But how can we pay the ransom?’ said Uncle Blot. ‘No one on Vampire Island has that much money! Even if we put all our money together into a Save Fang Fund we probably couldn’t raise that amount.’

  ‘People think vampires are rich,’ said Auntie Warts. ‘Just because we live in castles! They have no idea how long it takes to build your own castle and dig up a zombie servant! But we’ll have to find the money somehow. For Drackie’s sake.’

  ‘And Fang’s,’ said Drackie.

  ‘But what about this Auntie Chook!’ cried Cousin Snot. ‘Who is she, anyway?’

  ‘Auntie Chook isn’t to be mentioned again!’ said Auntie Warts. ‘We all agreed that years ago! Now, does anyone else have any suggestions?’

  The room was silent.

  ‘Then we have a week to find the money,’ said Auntie Warts. ‘Somehow,’ she sighed.

  CHAPTER 5

  Cousin Snot’s Great Idea

  It was a dark and stormy night. The rain trickled down Drackie’s collar and under his cloak, as he stood by the wharf and watched the ferry far out near the mainland.

  The ferry called in at all the islands in the bay, but it only called at Vampire Island when there were letters to deliver, or the kids’ correspondence lessons had to be mailed back to the mainland.

  The mainland was a dim smudge in the darkness. Fang was somewhere over there, thought Drackie dismally. Did the toad thieves know how to look after a vampire toad?

  Did they know that Fang liked flies for dinner and mosquitoes to vampirise for dessert? And that he needed lots of mosquitoes, because there is hardly any blood in a mosquito at all!

  Would they realise that Fang didn’t like to sleep alone, but shared Drackie’s coffin? Was there anyone to cuddle him and say ‘Good toad’?

  ‘Are you OK?’

  It was Cousin Snot. Her cloak flapped behind her in the wind.

  ‘No,’ said Drackie, still staring out across the bay. ‘It’s just not fair! Fang is just a toad. He’s really bright for a toad, but there are things he doesn’t understand. He’ll wonder where I am. He’ll…he’ll be lonely!’ Drackie sniffed and wiped his eyes. ‘There has to be something we can do!’

  ‘Maybe there is,’ said Cousin Snot eagerly.

  Drackie stared at her. ‘What?’

  ‘Find Auntie Chook! It’s easy! Only another vampire would be brave enough to come to Vampire Island. So the thief must be Auntie Chook! So all we have to do is find her and get her to give us Fang back!’

  ‘But…but…’ It all sounded too simple to Drackie. ‘Auntie Chook lives on the mainland! And you know what people do to vampires on the mainland.’

  ‘Huh!’ said Cousin Snot. ‘If this Auntie Chook can go to the mainland, so can we. It’ll be an adventure! Kids in books are always going on adventures! The mainland can’t be as dangerous as all that, if Auntie Chook can live there!’

  ‘How do we find Auntie Chook? We don’t know where she lives. The mainland is an awfully big place! It might take us years to find her!


  ‘But we can find out where she lives!’ said Cousin Snot.

  ‘How?’ demanded Drackie.

  Cousin Snot grinned. She held up a tattered envelope. ‘Easy! Because I kept the envelope her Christmas card came in! And it’s got her address on it!’

  ‘Oh,’ said Drackie.

  ‘You’d better leave a note for your parents,’ added Cousin Snot. ‘Parents worry about the least little thing, like building your own bat wings to sail off the castle or seeing if crocodiles can be vampirised.’

  ‘Or heading off to a strange new place where people stake vampires, to hunt for a gang of toad thieves,’ said Drackie.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Cousin Snot. ‘Little things like that.’ The lightning gleamed on her fangs. ‘This is going to be fun!’

  CHAPTER 6

  All Alone

  It was a dark and stormy night back at Vampire Island. But above the ferry, bouncing out on the waves, the sky was filled with stars.

  There was something else up there, Drackie realised. Something big and spooky, gliding across the sky…

  ‘What’s that big strange yellow thing?’ he whispered to Cousin Snot. ‘It’s really weird!’

  Cousin Snot glanced up at the sky. ‘I think it’s called the moon,’ said Cousin Snot. ‘Remember, we read about it in school. We can’t see the moons on the island because they’re above the clouds on dark and stormy nights.’

  ‘How many moons are there?’

  ‘Lots, I think,’ said Cousin Snot. ‘The book I read said there’s a new moon every month.’ She shivered, even though the stormy wind had vanished once they left the island.

  ‘I’m scared,’ she admitted.

  ‘It was your idea!’ said Drackie.

  ‘I know. But I’m still scared. It’s all so strange. No wind. No lightning. Those twinkly things up there. That moon looking like it’s going to fall down any second.’ She bit her lip. ‘But we’ve got to do it! For Fang’s sake! It’ll…it’ll be easy!’ she added, just a bit too brightly.