No Way Out
It was dark in the cave, and stormy too. But this storm was Cousin Snot’s yells.
‘Ow! Thaff hurt!’ shrieked Cousin Snot. She clasped her hand to her mouth. ‘Waff haff youff done to mefff?’ she cried. ‘Ow! Ow! Ow!’
‘Cluck, cluck, cluck,’ said Auntie Chook comfortingly.
‘Ha…ha…it…serves…you…right,’ said the man.
‘I couldn’t get my fangs in!’ cried Cousin Snot. ‘You’ve bruised my fangs, you nasty man!’ She bashed her hands against the man’s chest.
‘Let her go!’ yelled Drackie. Suddenly a third hand shot out and grabbed him too.
‘Cluck!’ Auntie Chook flew furiously into the battle. ‘Clu—squawk!’ she shrieked, as yet another hand grabbed her.
‘Four hands!’ cried Cousin Snot, still rubbing her sore mouth. ‘What sort of man has four hands and can’t be vampirised?’
‘That’s no man,’ gasped Drackie. ‘It’s a robot!’
‘Ha…ha,’ said the robot. ‘I…have…you…now!’
‘It was a trap,’ whispered Drackie.
‘Yes,’ said the robot.
Thump! Suddenly four fat wheels popped out on either side of its feet. ‘Ah…that…is…better,’ said the robot, as it began to glide further into the cave, its hand still grasping Drackie and Auntie Chook and Cousin Snot.
‘But why?’ cried Cousin Snot. ‘Why bother to trap us? What do you want with us? We’re just two harmless kids. And a chicken,’ she added.
‘No…you…are…not,’ said the robot, ducking down under a shelf of rock. ‘You…are…two…young…vampires! And…this,’ he shook Auntie Chook roughly, ‘is…a…vampire…too! Now,’ he added, ‘ha…ha! You…will…come…with…me.’
Down, down, down, down further into the cave under the sea. The cave seemed to go on forever.
Drip, drip, drip…even more water seeped from above them now.
Cousin Snot looked up nervously ‘What if the roof collapses?’ she demanded.
The ocean will fall down on us, thought Drackie.
But the robot didn’t answer.
‘Where are you taking us?’ Cousin Snot tried again.
The robot stayed silent.
Suddenly the cave grew wider. There was light ahead! Daylight! thought Drackie. He’d never thought he’d be so happy to see daylight again!
The light grew stronger and stronger. The cave widened even more. There were huge open doors on either side, fastened to the rock of the cave…
…and they were there!
But it wasn’t daylight at all.
They were in a gigantic cavern.
Drackie stared. There were robots everywhere! Lying on benches, propped against the rock walls. Big ones, small ones, all with blank faces like baked bean tins with the labels off, and each with an umbrella over them to keep off the seawater that dripped from the ceiling.
There, chained up in the middle of the robots was…
‘Fang!’ yelled Drackie.
Fang looked up. The look of utter misery left his warty face. ‘Croak!’ he croaked happily. ‘Croak, croak, croak!’ He pulled on his chain and tried to leap towards Drackie.
‘Ow!’ cried Drackie, as the robot dumped him and Cousin Snot and Auntie Chook on the wet sandy floor. Chains dangled from the damp rock wall.
‘You…sit…there!’ it instructed. ‘Ha…ha!’
Cling!
Suddenly Drackie’s arms and legs were clamped into handcuffs chained to the cave wall. ‘I’m sorry, boy!’ Drackie called to Fang. ‘I’m chained up too!’
‘Croak! Croak!’ said Fang sadly.
Cling! Cousin Snot struggled with her chains beside Drackie.
‘Who are all these robots?’ she wailed. ‘What is this place?’
‘Cluck!’ agreed Auntie Chook. The robot had chained her up by her feathered neck.
‘Ha…ha…ha,’ the robot gave its expressionless laugh again. ‘These…are…actually…the…vampires…on…your…island!’
‘No, they’re not,’ argued Cousin Snot. ‘Vampires have fangs and lots of black hair and they’re made of skin and bone, not old baked bean cans!’
‘Look!’ instructed the robot.
He stared at Drackie for a moment, then bent down over one of the robots. His four hands moved.
Suddenly the second robot sat up.
‘It’s…it’s me!’ yelped Drackie.
And it was. The new robot was kid-sized like Drackie. It wore a dark dinner jacket and a black and red cloak—and had Drackie’s face.
‘Hello…Mum. Hello…Dad. I…am…Drackie,’ said the second robot. ‘Can…I…have…a…drink…of…cat…juice…please?’
‘But why do you want to be Drackie?’ cried Cousin Snot. ‘He’s nothing special!’
‘Thanks very much,’ muttered Drackie.
‘Ha…ha! It…is…just…part…of…the…cunning…plot!’ said the first robot.
‘What cunning plot you, you, dog food can?’ yelled Cousin Snot.
‘Ha…ha,’ said the robot, as the Drackie robot lay down again. ‘I…knew…that…when…you…vampires…found…the…feather…you…would…think…it…was…from…the…chicken…vampire…on…the…mainland! I…knew…some…of…you…would…come…looking…for…me! Then…I…could…trap…you!’
‘But why?’ insisted Cousin Snot.
‘I think I see,’ said Auntie Chook slowly. It was the first time she had used words since the robot had found them, but there was no point trying to hide what she was now. ‘You’re going to copy us, then disguise yourselves as us, so you robots can sneak onto the island.’
‘Exactly!’ said the robot. ‘Ha…ha! I…have…a…secret…boat…waiting! And…then…when…the…vampires…are asleep… in…their coffins…we…can…stake…them…all!’
‘But why?’ cried Drackie. ‘What have we ever done to you? Vampires can’t even vampirise robots. And anyhow, we don’t vampirise anyone any more!’
‘Ha…ha!’ said the robot. ‘My…master…the…mad…scientist…hated…vampires! That…is…why…I…was…made! As…a…vampire…exterminator!’
‘Where’s your master now then?’ demanded Drackie.
‘He…died…before…he…could…see…his…cunning…plan…put…into…action!’
‘He wasn’t killed by a vampire was he?’ asked Drackie.
‘No,’ said the robot. ‘He…choked…on…a…clove…of…garlic!’
‘Huh!’ sneered Cousin Snot. ‘Served him right!’
‘Silence!’ said the robot. ‘Now…I…must…get…to…work! We…invade…your…islan…at…dusk! And…by…tomorrow…night…every…vampire…on…your…island…will…be…staked!’
The robot picked up a spanner and headed off towards the last robots in the line, further along the cavern.
CHAPTER 19
How Can We Escape?
It wasn’t dark. It wasn’t stormy. It wasn’t even night.
Night, thought Drackie, aching with tiredness. When night comes the robots will invade the island.
‘We have to stop him!’ whispered Drackie. ‘We can’t let him take over our island!’
‘Croak!’ agreed Fang.
‘It’s easy!’ said Cousin Snot bravely. ‘All we have to do is get out of these chains then tackle the robot and chain him up instead and…and tie up all the other robots then escape from the caves…’ her voice trailed away.
‘Easy?’ enquired Auntie Chook softly.
‘Maybe…maybe not that easy,’ said Cousin Snot quietly.
Drackie looked at her with concern. He’d never heard Cousin Snot admit something wasn’t easy before!
‘I’m sorry, kids,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘This is all my fault.’
‘Your fault?’ said Drackie. ‘Fang is my toad. We’re the ones who got you into all this.’
Auntie Chook shook her feathered head. ‘I suggested finding the toad thieves. I should have thought how dangerous it might be.’ She sighed. ‘I suppose I
still think like a vampire, even though I’ve lived on the mainland all these years. I just thought that if I got into trouble I could vampirise my way out of it. Not that I have ever vampirised anyone. Not now that we are all civilised,’ she added. ‘But it’s nice to know you can stick your fangs into bad guys if you have to. I never thought we might come across something that couldn’t be vampirised!’
‘You couldn’t have known we’d have to face robots,’ said Cousin Snot in a small voice. She pulled at her chains again, just on the off chance that they’d worked loose in the last ten seconds. But they just clanked against the wall.
‘If only I’d been a bat, not a chicken,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘I bet that big nasty dog food can couldn’t have caught me if I had been a bat.’
‘Never mind,’ said Cousin Snot. ‘You’re the most beautiful chicken in the world.’
‘And the pinkest,’ said Drackie.
‘Croak,’ added Fang.
Drackie thought Auntie Chook smiled at this, though it was difficult to tell with her beak. ‘Thanks, kids,’ she said.
The day dragged on. There was simply no way out.
The water dripped. The robot tightened bits on the other robots with its spanner and dressed them in black and red. Drackie was so exhausted that he dozed for a while and Cousin Snot slept beside him. But when he woke up he was cramped and hungry and thirsty too.
He gazed around. Where was he? This wasn’t his nice warm coffin! Was it day or night? Why was the ceiling dripping? And then he remembered.
He nudged Cousin Snot. ‘Are you awake?’
‘Mmph?’ said Cousin Snot. ‘I am now.’
‘What’s the time?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘You can’t wear a watch when you’re being a chicken. But it must be nearly dusk.’
‘I’m thirsty!’ whispered Cousin Snot. ‘Do you think we could ask the robot for a drink? Just water,’ she added. ‘Not camel’s blood or any…any vampire stuff. Surely he’ll give us some water!’
‘We could try,’ said Drackie. ‘Um, excuse me!’ he called.
The robot was still bent over the workbench of other robots. It didn’t even lift his head at Drackie’s words.
‘Please!’ called Drackie. ‘Could we have some water?’
The robot looked up at that. Its blank face stared at them. But its voice was almost gleeful. ‘Ha…ha…ha,’ it said. ‘So…the…vampires…want…some…water!’
‘Yes, please,’ said Drackie.
‘Ha…ha! Soon…you…will…have…all…the…water…you…want! Too…much…water!’
‘What…what do you mean?’ stammered Drackie.
‘When…we…robots…leave…I…am…going…to…blow…up…the…cave!’ said the robot matter-of-factly. ‘The…ocean…will…flood…in…and…drown…you! Ha…ha…ha…ha…ha!’
‘No!’ cried Cousin Snot.
‘You can’t kill innocent young vampires!’ cried Auntie Chook. ‘And an innocent vampire chicken,’ she added.
‘All…vampires…must…die,’ said the robot, waving its spanner in the air. ‘Here…and…on…the…island! Ha…ha…ha…!’
‘I wish he wouldn’t laugh like that,’ said Cousin Snot.
‘Me too,’ said Auntie Chook.
‘It’s a crazy laugh.’
It wasn’t just the robot’s laugh that was crazy, thought Drackie. It was its whole mad plan! There was only one thing worse than being held in a damp sea cave by a robot, he decided, and that was being held by a mad robot.
Drackie wished the robot wouldn’t chain people up and drown them in flooded caves, too. But there didn’t seem to be any point saying so.
‘How are you going to blow us up?’ he asked instead.
‘What does it matter how!’ cried Cousin Snot.
‘Because if I know how I might be able to stop it!’ hissed Drackie. ‘Shhh. I’m very interested in explosions,’ he added to the robot.
The robot looked at him scornfully—or as scornfully as a baked bean can could look. ‘Do…not…think…you…can…disable…the…bomb…even…if…you…do…escape,’ it told them.
‘Why not?’ asked Cousin Snot.
‘He…he…because…I…carry…the…bomb…with…me! Look!’ The robot reached into its pocket and pulled out an apple. The robot put it on the bench where they could see it.
‘How can you blow up a cave with an apple?’ demanded Cousin Snot. ‘It looks like a worm ate it too!’ she added.
‘It’s…a…bomb…disguised…as…a…wormy…apple,’ stated the robot. ‘As…soon…as…all…of…us…robots…are…outside…I…will…throw…it…back…into…the…cave. It…is…a…homing…bomb…and…will…fly…down…the…cave…back…here…and…then…explode!’
‘Oh,’ said Drackie. There didn’t seem to be much else to say. ‘That is a cunning plan,’ he added politely.
‘Thank…you,’ said the robot. ‘You…have…good…manners…for…a…vampire.’
‘We all have good manners, you nasty can of dog droppings!’ cried Cousin Snot.
‘And I suppose you think blowing people up or staking them is good manners!’ added Auntie Chook.
But the robot said nothing. It just bent down again to its work.
They sat in silence for a while. Drackie wondered whether Fang was hungry. There were no flies to vampirise down here, not even a mosquito. He was hungry too. But that was the least of their worries.
The water dripped around them. The only other noise was the click click of the robot’s spanner and the gurgle
of Drackie’s tummy. His arms were beginning to ache from the weight of the chains, and his bum was cold from sitting on the sand. Gurgle…gurgle…click…click…click. There had to be a way to escape, thought Drackie. There had to! He stared at the apple bomb on the bench. How could such an innocent-looking piece of fruit kill them all?
‘When do you plan to leave?’ he asked instead.
‘Ha…ha…ha…’ said the robot. It put down its spanner. ‘Now!’
‘But…’ began Drackie, then stopped. He’d thought they’d have hours to work out a way to escape!
Suddenly every robot in the cave stood up.
Click, click, click.
The robots bent down and began to pick up their clothes.
Clack, clack, clack.
Robot hands picked up long black silk dresses, black and white dinner jackets, and red and black satin cloaks. One by one the robots’ baked bean can bodies were transformed into vampires.
‘Croak!’ cried Fang in alarm. ‘Croak! Croak!’
Drackie felt like croaking too. Or crying. Or yelling, ‘Save me! Save me!’ But none of that would help them now.
Click, click, click.
Now the robots bent to pick up their masks.
Drackie gasped. There he was…and Cousin Snot…and even Auntie Chook, in her chicken form and her human form too! Not one of each but a hundred of them.
‘Hello…’ said the Drackie robots in chorus. ‘I…am…Drackie! I…have…come…to…visit…your…castle!’
‘Hi…’ said the Cousin Snot robots. ‘I…am…Cousin…Snot! Can…I…play…with…your…cockroaches?’
‘I’m too old to play with cockroaches!’ protested Cousin Snot. ‘And my bum isn’t as fat as that either!’ she added.
‘Cluck…cluck…cluck,’ said the chicken robots.
‘No one will believe that’s me,’ cried Auntie Chook. ‘These robots have no style at all! And their feathers are the wrong shade of pink!’
‘I…have…come…back…to…visit,’ said the Auntie Chook robots.
‘You’ll never get away with it!’ yelled Cousin Snot.
‘Why…not?’ asked the robot.
‘Because…because…’ faltered Cousin Snot.
‘Ha…ha…’ said the robot. Its blank face stared around the cave once more. ‘There…is…one…other…thing,’ it added. The robot slid over to Fang and picked him up.
‘Cro
ak!’ said Fang. He stuck his fangs into the robot’s hand, then let out a startled crarkkk! as his fangs hit metal.
‘Be…quiet…you…stupid…toad,’ said the robot. It handed Fang to one of the Drackies. ‘Ha…ha!’ it added. ‘The…perfect…touch! The…young…vampire…returns…with…his…pet…toad! Every…vampire…on…the…island…will…come…to…see!’
‘No!’ cried Drackie. ‘You can’t take Fang!’
‘Croak! Croak! Croak!’ cried Fang, trying to leap out of the robot’s hands.
‘Ha…ha. Do…you…want…him…to…drown…with…you?’ asked the robot.
‘Yes, I mean, no!’ choked Drackie.
‘Croak!’ said Fang.
‘We…need…him…for…the disguise,’ said the robot. ‘No…one…will…suspect…someone…who…looks…like…you…if…we…have…your…little…toad…with…us!
‘And…when…we… have…staked…all…the…vampires…and…blown…you…all…up…we…can…stake…your…toad! And…that…will…be…the…end…of…the…vampires!’
‘Ha…ha!’ The robot pressed another button.
Click, click, click.
The robots stepped forward. They lined up in one long row, one after another—the Drackie robot carrying Fang first, then the other Drackies, then the Cousin Snots and the Auntie Chooks.
Clack, clack, clack.
The robots began to walk.
Click, click, click.
The robots marched through the room, their feet squelching on the wet sand, then clack, clack, clack, one by one, out into the dark tunnels.
Finally only the original robot was left.
‘Please!’ cried Drackie. ‘Please unchain us! You can’t just leave us here!’
‘Ha…ha…yes…I…can,’ said the first robot. ‘Ha…ha…ha!’
‘Why do you keep laughing like that!’ shouted Cousin Snot.
‘That…is…how…my…master…laughed! It…is…a…proper…mad…scientist…laugh!’ said the robot. For the first time there was a hint of pride in its flat voice. ‘I…do…a…mad…scientist…laugh…very…well! Good…bye. You…have…ten…minutes…to…live! Enjoy…them! Ha…ha!’
The robot rolled away.
‘Look,’ hissed Auntie Chook.
Wonderfully Wacky Families Page 17
