Bobby D. Lux - Dog Duty

by Bobby D. Lux

  Nipper and I stayed on the sidewalk and watched Ernie try to jump up onto the wall to get her attention. We tried not to listen while he pleaded with her and explained how he ran head first through the fence to get here. Ernie didn’t bust through that fence just to escape the humdrum life of the backyard. He didn’t do it to go on some quest with me. He was going make sure that there was never anything that would keep him away from being able to see Saucy whenever he felt like it.

  We watched his head fall between his arms while he was up on his hind legs against the wall. He looked like he would push that wall over if he could. We tried not to stare while the kick in his step vanished like a gust of wind stealing a napkin from a picnic table.

  “She’s not coming,” he said, as he returned to us. “She has to go with Scarlet to the dog show today. She always gets in these lousy moods whenever they all go to those stupid things. Scarlet this, and Scarlet that. Scarlet is supposed to be so pretty, and no offense to you dogs, but I just don’t see it. I can see where others might think she’s pretty, but she doesn’t do it for me. I try to tell Saucy that, but she never listens to me. So, now great, I break down the fence, they’ll probably fix me when we get home. I‘ve heard horror stories of dogs getting fixed for far less. And for what? Saucy can’t come with us, and then she says that even if she could get away, she doesn’t know if she’d want to in the first place.”

  “I’m sorry,” Nipper said.

  Scarlet was led out of the house on a sparkling leash by a lopsided buoy of a human female in an ill-fitting dress. She continued to brush Scarlet on their way to a tiny car that didn’t look much bigger than one of Simon’s toys. She let Scarlet in the front seat of the car and buckled her in.

  “Saucy!” the buoy hollered back towards the house. “Let’s go. We can’t be late for your sister’s coronation. Isn’t that right my Scarlet-sparlett-barlett-darlett-garlett? She is the most precious little doggie their ever was, wasn’t there, Scarlet-pooh-pooh-pooh-pooh. Saw-see!!!”

  Saucy appeared and got into the car from the driver’s side and lay down in the back seat. No seat belt or sing-song for her. The car turned on with barely a sound and they pulled away.

  “So?” Nipper said.

  “Whatever,” Ernie said. “Now what?”

  “There’s only one thing we can do that makes any sense,” I said. “We’re going to that dog show, Ernie.”

  CHAPTER 24 - The 34th Annual Grand City Dog Show

  The Grand City Knights were the lousiest team to ever play pro basketball. That didn’t stop the city council from passing City Amendment CFDR 234.5a, a local tax increase that paid for the construction of the Grand City Sports Arena, a decision that cost every councilman their job over the course of the following two election cycles. As one of the first expansion teams in the early days of professional basketball, Grand City assumed the position of league punching bag. It was a role we didn’t relinquish until the team moved five states east where they found a new town, a new name, and a new mascot. The team remained terrible and still is now, but at least they’re someone else’s problem.

  The arena, however, remained an eye sore and a problem for Grand City. A night working an event at the arena meant a night of sniffing burnouts who stunk like rotten foliage from cheap drugs at some concert for a second rate band who hadn’t recorded a hit in decades and were too old to play anywhere better. Or so said the officers I worked with.

  It was either that or tamer affairs such as the Grand City Dog Show. A place for the high society types to use us as a proxy to show off how posh they were for a panel of human judges. For years, I was forced to make appearances at this side show and to take walks around the indoor carpeted track between show rounds when people went to the bathroom and got nachos. It amazed me how many people showed up every year to watch this thing; to watch some moron like a Papillon win Best in Show. Some prize. These people wouldn’t know a real dog from a comic book character.

  The parking lot was packed by the time we made it to the arena. We needed to hurry be able to sneak in unnoticed. Ernie was nearly plowed over by a speeding sedan as it claimed one of the few remaining parking spots. Ernie barked obscenities and the driver barked back at him. Three aisles over, Officer Hart held Simon’s hand as they walked towards the arena. Mrs. Hart and Missy were nowhere to be seen. Simon looked back over his shoulder and we made eye contact. Shoot.

  Simon’s face lit up and he pulled away from Officer Hart.

  “I said I would buy you ice cream once we sat down,” Officer Hart said, “so stop fussing, Simon. Or maybe you don’t want ice cream?”

  “Dad, I-”

  “We have to hurry,” Officer Hart said. “If your mom looks up and doesn’t see us, I’m never going to hear the end of it.”

  “Fritz,” Simon said. “It’s Fritz!”

  I dove behind a car and crashed into Nipper and Ernie as I knocked them out of sight.

  “Again?” Ernie said. “Do eyes just stop working at this place? I’m trying to walk.”

  I poked out just far enough from behind the car to watch Officer Hart turn back towards the arena as he dragged Simon away. I reemerged from the car and stared at that little cretin who kept trying to turn his head back. When our eyes met once more, I rearranged my face into the most frightening concoction I could. I showed him every tooth I had and puffed out my fur as far I could. He didn’t look back again. That felt good.

  The three of us were then free to make our way to the service entrance. Inside, all the show dogs and their human partners prepared themselves to get ready for the big event.

  We walked by the staging area where all the sporting breeds were stationed and waited on their introductions to proceed down to the floor area. The humans were trying to sneak in last minute brushes and wipe downs. One man in an ill-fitting suit with pants just a smidgen too high over a pair of not quite running, but not quite dress shoes, used a toothpick on his cocker spaniel. The dog looked to be enjoying the tooth picking more than he should have because that is the sole jurisdiction of one’s own tongue.

  “Get out of the way,” a thin man with plastic looking hair said, as he shoved Ernie out of the way so he could lead a Golden Retriever in severe need of a haircut out into the arena.

  “That’s it,” Ernie said, then stopped and addressed the rest of the dogs waiting in line. “I’ve already had enough of this place. You know, you types have never impressed me, trying to play dress up with the humans and those stupid leashes up under your chin that you know aren’t comfortable. You all make me sick, you know that? Were you ever real dogs, or have you always been some human’s toy, huh? Not me. I’m a real dog. I bite things. I bark. I mark on whatever I want, whenever I want to. I’ll do it right now if I want. No one’s claimed that table. I’ll do it and no one will stop me. Look at you, a bunch of sheep from where I’m at, right Nipper? Tell ‘um. Baaa-aaa-aaah. Baaa-aaa-aaa-aaah. What are you gonna do about it? Nothing. You gonna shut me up? Nope, and I’ll tell you why. You don’t want to lose your spot in line to try and win the approval of strangers. Worse than that, you wouldn’t want to disobey your masters, would you?”

  “Whose dog is this that won’t shut up?” a square-shaped lady said, as she led a Labrador by. “He’s really starting to upset my dog. Someone needs to get him on a leash.”

  “Whew,” Ernie said, as I pulled him away from the crowd of people, a crowd that, while self-absorbed in their worlds, took notice of the portly mutt with the broken teeth who lectured them. “I needed that. I just let them have it, you know? I don’t even know where that came from. It just erupted from me like I couldn’t control myself.”

  “I’m glad you had that therapeutic moment,” I said, “but we came here to get Saucy, and that’s not going to happen if we get tossed out.”

  “I never thought you were the smartest dog in the world, Ernie,” a voice said, from behind us. Saucy found us. Ernie’s posture immediately slumped. “But I didn’t think you were this stupid. I
figured you would know better, Fritz. What are you three doing here?”

  “I came to get you,” Ernie said.

  “I thought I made myself clear,” Saucy said. “You guys should go off on whatever quest you’re on now.”

  “We’re back on the same quest,” Ernie said. “I’m not going without you. I already told them either you come with me, or I don’t go, and I can’t really go back home right now because they’re going to be mad at me because I, kind of, pretty much, ran through their fence.”

  “You really ran through the fence?” Saucy said. “I thought you were exaggerating.”

  “I really did,” Ernie said. “I have the hallucinations to prove it.”

  “Just to come get me?” Saucy said.

  “Pretty much.”

  “Ernie, I can’t disappear right now. I came here with Scarlet. Eventually, they’re going to realize that I’m not around. I’m supposed to be scouting the competition for her. If I’m not back pretty soon, she’s going to throw a fit, so I don’t know what to tell you.”

  “I guess we’re staying here then,” Ernie said. “Don’t worry, we’ll play it cool. I won’t make a scene. No one will know we’re here.”

  We stayed a few yards behind Saucy as we blended back into the crowd of dogs, show officials, arena staff, and other frantic humans. The echo of all the footsteps in clunky shoes slapping the linoleum gave me a headache. We rounded a corner and I picked up a familiar scent. Within moments, I’d placed it: The Perp from that night in the alley.

  I salivated as my jaw crept open. I knew that he was nearby. It had to be him. I was certain, even in the sea of hair and fur products, colognes, and perfumes. And if The Perp was there, I had a decent suspicion of who else was not far behind. I didn’t say anything to Nipper or Ernie and I pulled several steps away from them to the outside of the crowd to scan for anything suspicious. Saucy told Nipper and Ernie to stay away while she went back to report to Scarlet.

  There The Perp was. He stood between Scarlet and was talking to Saucy and Scarlet’s human. A leash dangled off his wrist and led directly around the neck of Scamper; primped, proper, and with a phony smile plastered on his face.

  “Who’s that with Scarlet?” Ernie said, as I got as close as I could to The Perp without Scamper noticing me. I kept my tail to the wall to prevent a sneak attack.

  “You have a lovely dog there,” The Perp said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name, Missus?”

  “It’s Sheena,” she said. “And it’s Miss.”

  “I didn’t want to be forward,” The Perp said, as he set Scamper down on the ground. “And this is Scamper. It’s his first time competing, so I’m just hoping he doesn’t make a fool out of me. I think I’m more nervous than he is.”

  “He looks frisky,” Sheena said.

  Saucy nudged Scarlet, who tried to shake off the touch.

  “Well?” Scarlet said. “Is there anyone here for me to be concerned with?”

  “Who’s this?” Saucy said, referring to Scamper.

  “I don’t know,” Scarlet said. “Looks like an amateur entry.”

  “Excuse me?” Scamper said, as The Perp grabbed a crate from a nearby table and stepped closer to Sheena and Scarlet. “I can guarantee you’ll eat those words before this day is over. And she calls me and amateur… Lady, if you only knew what was going on right now, right in front of your pretty little face.”

  “Just be glad we’re not in the same category,” Scarlet said. “I’ve made a career of making pups like you look foolish on the big stage.”

  “I swear I hate every single dog at these things,” Saucy said.

  “Look at you, Miss Always-the-Bridesmaid,” Scamper said. “With looks like yours, I’d work on that personality if I were you.”

  I crept closer. Saucy had provided me with an excellent cover. I scanned the floor again and there was no Clay in the immediate area. For all I knew, he was watching me in plain sight. If he was, would he have let me get within striking range of The Perp and Scamper? He wouldn’t.

  “Come to think of it,” Scamper said, “we could definitely use a dog like you too. I bet you think you’re a lot tougher than you really are. In fact, I think it’s safe to say you’re a triple threat: no looks, that’s without question, no personality, that’s apparent, and I’d be willing to wager that the brain in that wooden skull of yours has the street value of a sack of wet cement.”

  “That’s enough!” Ernie said, as he came out of hiding and towered over Scamper. “Sorry, Saucy, I know you said to lay low, but I’ve never been good at sitting around watching my friends get treated like that. Especially by a scumbag like this dog.”

  “Look who it is,” Scamper said. “Where’s your goofball buddy?”

  “I’m right here,” Nipper said, as he appeared next to Ernie.

  “Well, what do you know?” Scamper said. “Sometimes, fate has a funny way of working in your favor.”

  “For no personality,” Saucy said, “I sure have a lot of friends.”

  “It looks like you have a whopping two friends, so my assessment of your personality stands. Two more that we could use as live meat.”

  “Make it three,” I said, growling. Scamper turned to me. We had him surrounded. “Lay down, and keep your mouth shut.” Scamper slowly nodded and nervously lay down. None of us moved. Sheena looked down and noted how well behaved Scamper was.

  “Clllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!” Scamper said, suddenly barking with every breath in his lungs, ending the sweet moment of his silence. The Perp shoved Sheena with both hands while holding the crate. She tumbled over some chairs and landed with a flop. The Perp wrapped his arms around Scarlet and forced her into the crate. Scarlet tried to fight it, but The Perp violently shoved her in head first. Too many people swarmed to the scene to take pictures and videos with their phones for me to attack The Perp. I couldn’t jump in, jaws wide open, into a human salad.

  Scamper bit Ernie in the face. A stream of blood fell from Ernie’s eye. The Perp ran towards the nearest exit. He carried Scarlet in the crate and barreled through anyone who stood in his path. Scamper escaped through the crowd. He darted between anyone’s legs he could trip up. Nipper, Ernie, and Saucy took off after him. I went to cut off The Perp at the exit. Nobody tried to help apprehend The Perp, even as Sheena screamed that he had her baby. They shielded their prized dogs and got out of his way.

  Then Clay found me. He cut me off out of nowhere.

  “Look who decided to show up again,” Clay said, as he took a seat in front of me.

  “Where’s he taking her?” I said.

  “Ah, now that is the question,” Clay said, “is it not, Fritz? Quite the quandary this poses to you, doesn’t it? Do you do the right thing and try to save her? I say try because there’s no way I let that happen. Or do you let her go and instead try, and fail one more time, to get that revenge on me? While you decide that, he’ll get away with her and the scene around us will calm down and the area will be quickly surrounded by your former employers, which then provides us with a less than ideal combat setting. So, if you’re going to attack me, get it over with while no one is paying any attention to us.”

  He sat there with a grin on his face and wagged his stump of a tail. It was the first time I got a good look at his face in the light. I saw the spots in the fur by his nose and at the corner of his eyes. His eyes weren’t cold and empty of feeling, they were old like mine. Their life of intimidation took a toll on them and they just wanted to blink. Clay sat slightly off to one side and his head hunched forward. The skin on his chest was loose and his jowls hung low and were bloated. His arms and legs were still bigger than mine, but I could tell they weren’t as big as they once were. His whiskers weren’t steel rods that shined in the moonlight; they were no different than my aging set.

  Clay wasn’t a monster. He was once a puppy who fought with the other pups to nurse from mommy. He was once an anonymous member of a litter who stumbled over feet too big for
his little body. There was a time when his fur was soft, too short, and puffed out over thin bones instead of laying flat on well-maintained muscles. I saw that dog plain as day, and it allowed me to see exactly who Clay was: another dog, just like me. I smiled at Clay and he didn’t know what to say. If I had to, I could kill him.

  “Clay!” The Perp said, over the swarm of people, as he neared the service entrance with Nipper, Ernie, and Saucy in tow. “Come!”

  “Sorry, Fritz,” Clay said. “A good soldier follows his orders, but please feel free to try to catch us. In fact, I’d love it if you did. It’d be my pleasure for you to see what he does with that beauty queen. If we’re lucky, we’ll get to do it to you and your little cadets there too.”

  He sprung to his paws and rumbled his way through the people who were all too quick to get out of the way of a barking Rottweiler. Instead of heading towards The Perp, Clay raced towards the arena floor. I hoped Clay didn’t think that I wouldn’t chase him through an ongoing dog show. He turned left and went through the tunnel and into the middle of the show. He knocked over a cotton candy vendor who was taking a break. I vaulted the vendor and gained ground on Clay while running on the artificial turf.

  “I got to be honest with you,” a voice from the other side of the turf said, “we’ve never had a K-9 officer quite like Nitro. He’s smart, he’s very fast and obedient, and was the top dog in his class. We’re pleased as punch to have him on the force. He’s the best dog I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with.”

  Nitro turned away from the camera as Clay sprinted by them towards the other exit off the floor. Nitro’s partner kept talking to the camera. I couldn’t help myself.

  “How’s it going, Nitro?” I said, as I stopped and stood next to him.

  “Tell me this isn’t happening,” Nitro said.

  “Sorry,” I said. “It is.”