Delphi Complete Works of William Dean Howells

by William Dean Howells

  Campbell: “Or any one else’s husband.”

  Mrs. Somers: “For shame!”

  Campbell: “You began it.”

  Mrs. Somers, to Mrs. Curwen; who approaches her sofa: “You are kindness itself, Mrs. Curwen, to come on such a day.” The ladies press each other’s hands.

  IV. MRS. CURWEN and the OTHERS

  Mrs. Curwen: “You are goodness in person, Mrs. Somers, to say so.”

  Campbell: “And I am magnanimity embodied. Let me introduce myself, Mrs. Curwen!” He bows, and Mrs. Curwen deeply courtesies.

  Mrs. Curwen: “I should never have known you.”

  Campbell, melodramatically, to Mrs. Somers: “Tea, ho! for Mrs. Curwen — impenetrably disguised as kindness.”

  Mrs. Curwen: “What shall I say to him?”

  Mrs. Somers, pouring the tea: “Anything you like, Mrs. Curwen. Aren’t we to see Mr. Curwen to-day?”

  Mrs. Curwen, taking her tea: “No, I’m his insufficient apology. He’s detained at his office — business.”

  Campbell: “Then you see they don’t all come, Mrs. Somers.”

  Mrs. Curwen: “All what?”

  Campbell: “Oh, all the — heroes.”

  Mrs. Curwen: “Is that what he was going to say, Mrs. Somers?”

  Mrs. Somers: “You never can tell what he’s going to say.”

  Mrs. Curwen: “I should think you would be afraid of him.”

  Mrs. Somers, with a little shrug: “Oh no; he’s quite harmless. It’s just a little way he has.” To Mr. and Mrs. Miller, Mr. and Mrs. Alfred Bemis, and Dr. Lawton, who all appear together: “Ah, how do you do? So glad to see you! So very kind of you! I didn’t suppose you would venture out. And you too, Doctor?” She begins to pour out tea for them, one after another, with great zeal.

  V DR. LAWTON, MR. and MRS. MILLER, YOUNG MR. and MRS. BEMIS, and the OTHERS

  Dr. Lawton: “Yes, I too. It sounded very much as if I were Brutus also.” He stirs his tea and stares round at the company. “It seems to me that I have met these conspirators before. That’s what makes Boston insupportable. You’re always meeting the same people!”

  Campbell: “We all feel it as keenly as you do, Doctor.”

  Lawton, looking sharply at him: “Oh! you here? I might have expected it. Where is your aunt?”

  VI. MRS. CRASHAW and the OTHERS

  Mrs. Crashaw, appearing: “If you mean me, Dr. Lawton—”

  Lawton: “I do, my dear friend. What company is complete without you?”

  Mrs. Somers, reaching forward to take her hand, while with her disengaged hand she begins to pour her a cup of tea: “None in my house.”

  Mrs. Crashaw: “Very pretty.” Taking her tea. “I hope it isn’t complete, either, without the English painter you promised us.”

  Mrs. Somers: “No, indeed! And a great many other people besides. But haven’t you met him yet? I supposed Mrs. Roberts—”

  Mrs. Crashaw: “Oh, I don’t go to all of Agnes’s fandangoes. I was to have seen him at Mrs. Wheeler’s — he is being asked everywhere, of course — but he didn’t come. He sent his father and mother instead. They were very nice old people, but they hadn’t painted his pictures.”

  Lawton: “They might say his pictures would never have been painted without them.”

  Bemis: “It was like Heine’s going to visit Rachel by appointment. She wasn’t in, but her father and mother were; and when he met her afterwards he told her that he had just come from a show where he had seen a curious monster advertised for exhibition — the offspring of a hare and a salmon. The monster was not to be seen at the moment, but the showman said here was monsieur the hare and madame the salmon.”

  Mrs. Roberts: “What in the world did Rachel say?”

  Lawton: “Ah, that’s what these brilliant anecdotes never tell. And I think it would be very interesting to know what the victim of a witticism has to say.”

  Mrs. Curwen: “I should think you would know very often, Doctor.”

  Lawton: “Ah, now I should like to know what the victim of a compliment says!”

  Mrs. Curwen: “He bows his thanks.” Dr. Lawton makes a profound obeisance, to which Mrs. Curwen responds in burlesque.

  Miller: “We all envy you, Doctor.”

  Mrs. Miller: “Oh yes. Mrs. Curwen never makes a compliment without meaning it.”

  Mrs. Curwen: “I can’t say that quite, my dear. I should be very sorry to mean all the civil things I say. But I never flatter gentlemen of a certain age.”

  Mrs. Miller, tittering ineffectively: “I shall know what to say to Mr. Miller after this.”

  Mrs. Crashaw: “Well, if you haven’t got the man, Mrs. Somers, you have got his picture, haven’t you?”

  Mrs. Somers: “Yes; it’s on my writing-desk in the library. Let me—”

  Lawton: “No, no; don’t disturb yourself! We wish to tear it to pieces without your embarrassing presence. Will you take my arm, Mrs. Crashaw?”

  Mrs. Bemis: “Oh, let us all go and see it!”

  Roberts: “Aren’t you coming, Willis?”

  Campbell, without looking round: “Thank you, I’ve seen it.”

  Mrs. Somers, whom the withdrawal of her other guests has left alone with him: “How could you tell such a fib?”

  Campbell: “I could tell much worse fibs than that in such a cause.”

  Mrs. Somers: “What cause?”

  Campbell: “A lost one, I’m afraid. Will you answer my question, Amy?”

  Mrs. Somers: “Did you ask me any?”

  Campbell: “You know I did — before those people came in.”

  Mrs. Somers: “Oh, that! Yes. I should like to ask you a question first.”

  Campbell: “Twenty, if you like.”

  Mrs. Somers: “Why do you feel authorized to call me by my first name?”

  Campbell: “Because I love you. Now will you answer me?”

  Mrs. Somers, dreamily: “I didn’t say I would, did I?”

  Campbell, rising, sadly: “No.”

  Mrs. Somers, mechanically taking the hand he offers her: “Oh! What—”

  Campbell: “I’m going; that’s all.”

  Mrs. Somers: “So soon?”

  Campbell: “Yes; but I’ll try to make amends by not coming back soon — or at all.”

  Mrs. Somers: “You mustn’t!”

  Campbell: “Mustn’t what?”

  Mrs. Somers: “You mustn’t keep my hand. Here come some more people. Ah, Mrs. Canfield! Miss Bayly! So very nice of you, Mrs. Wharton! Will you have some tea?”

  VII. MRS. CANFIELD, MISS BAYLY, MRS. WHARTON, and the OTHERS

  Mrs. Wharton: “No, thank you. The only objection to afternoon tea is the tea.”

  Mrs. Somers: “I’m so glad you don’t mind the weather.” With her hand on the teapot, glancing up at Miss Bayly: “And do you refuse too?”

  Miss Bayly: “I can answer for Mrs. Canfield that she doesn’t, and I never do. We object to the weather.”

  Mrs. Somers, pouring a cup of tea: “That makes it a little more difficult. I can keep from offering Mrs. Wharton some tea, but I can’t stop its snowing.”

  Miss Bayly, taking her cup: “But you’re so amiable; we know you would if you could, and that’s quite enough. We’re not the first and only, are we?”

  Mrs. Somers: “Dear, no! There are multitudes of flattering spirits in the library, stopping the mouth of my portrait with pretty speeches.”

  Miss Bayly, vividly: “Not your Bramford portrait?”

  Mrs. Somers: “My Bramford portrait.”

  Miss Bayly, to the other ladies: “Oh, let us go and see it too!” They flutter out of the drawing-room, where Mrs. Somers and Campbell remain alone together as before. He continues silent, while she waits for him to speak.

  VIII. MRS. SOMERS; MR. CAMPBELL

  Mrs. Somers, finally: “Well?”

  Campbell: “Well, what?”

  Mrs. Somers: “Nothing. Only I thought you were — you were going to—”

  “MRS
. SOMERS, POURING A CUP OF TEA: ‘THAT MAKES IT A LITTLE MORE DIFFICULT’”

  Campbell: “No; I’ve got nothing to say.”

  Mrs. Somers: “I didn’t mean that. I thought you were going to — go.” She puts up her hand and hides a triumphant little smile with it.

  Campbell: “Very well, then, I’ll go, since you wish it.” He holds out his hand.

  Mrs. Somers, putting hers behind her: “You’ve shaken hands once. Besides, who said I wished you to go?”

  Campbell: “Do you wish me to stay?”

  Mrs. Somers: “I wish you to — hand tea to people.”

  Campbell: “And you won’t say anything more?”

  Mrs. Somers: “It seems to me that’s enough.”

  Campbell: “It isn’t enough for me. But I suppose beggars mustn’t be choosers. I can’t stay merely to hand tea to people, however. You can say yes or no now, Amy, as well as at any other time.”

  Mrs. Somers: “Well, no, then — if you wish it so much.”

  Campbell: “You know I don’t wish it.”

  Mrs. Somers: “You gave me my choice. I thought you were indifferent about the word.”

  Campbell: “You know better than that, Amy.”

  Mrs. Somers: “Amy again! Aren’t you a little previous, Mr. Campbell?”

  Campbell, with a sigh: “Ah, that’s for you to say.”

  Mrs. Somers: “Wouldn’t it be impolite?”

  Campbell; “Oh, not for you.”

  Mrs. Somers: “If you’re so sarcastic, I shall be afraid of you.”

  Campbell: “Under what circumstances?”

  Mrs. Somers, dropping her eyes: “I don’t know.” He makes a rush upon her. “Oh! here comes Mrs. Curwen! Shake hands, as if you were going.”

  IX. MRS. CURWEN; MRS. SOMERS; MR. CAMPBELL

  Mrs. Curwen: “What! is Mr. Campbell going, too?”

  Mrs. Somers: “Too? You’re not going, Mrs. Curwen?”

  Mrs. Curwen: “Yes, I’m going. The likeness is perfect, Mrs. Somers. It’s a speaking likeness, if there ever was one.”

  Campbell: “Did it do all the talking?”

  Mrs. Curwen: “It would — if Mrs. Roberts and Dr. Lawton hadn’t been there. Well, I must go.”

  Campbell: “So must I.”

  Mrs. Somers, in surprise: “Must you?”

  Campbell: “Yes; these drifts will be over my ears directly.”

  Mrs. Curwen: “You poor man! You don’t mean to say you’re walking?”

  Campbell: “I shall be, in about half a minute.”

  Mrs. Curwen: “Indeed you shall not! You shall be driving — with me. I’ve a vacancy in the coupé, and I’ll set you down wherever you like.”

  Campbell: “Won’t it crowd you?”

  Mrs. Curwen: “Not at all.”

  Campbell: “Or incommode you in any way?”

  Mrs. Curwen: “It will oblige me in every way.”

  Campbell: “Then I will go, and a thousand thanks. Good-by again, Mrs. Somers.”

  Mrs. Curwen: “Good-by, Mrs. Somers. Poor Mrs. Somers! It seems too bad to leave you here alone, bowed in an elegiac attitude over your tea-urn.”

  Mrs. Somers: “Oh, not at all! Remember me to Mr. Curwen.”

  Mrs. Curwen: “I will. Well, Mr. Campbell—”

  Mrs. Somers: “Mr. Campbell—”

  Campbell: “Well?”

  Mrs. Curwen: “To which?”

  Campbell: “Both.”

  Mrs. Somers: “Neither!”

  Mrs. Curwen: “Ah! ha, ha, ha! Mr. Campbell, do you know much about women?”

  Campbell: “I had a mother.”

  Mrs. Curwen: “Oh, a mother won’t do.”

  Campbell: “Well, I have an only sister who is a woman.”

  Mrs. Curwen: “A sister won’t do, either — not your own. You can’t learn a woman’s meaning in that way.”

  Campbell: “I will sit at your feet, Mrs. Curwen, if you’ll instruct me.”

  Mrs. Curwen: “I shall be delighted. I’ll begin now. Oh, you needn’t really prostrate yourself!” She stops him in a burlesque attempt to do so. “And I’ll concentrate the wisdom of the whole first lesson in a single word.”

  Campbell, with clasped hands of entreaty: “Speak, blessed ghost!”

  Mrs. Curwen: “Stay! Ah! ha, ha, ha!” She flies at Mrs. Somers and kisses her. “You can’t say I’m ill-natured, my dear, whatever I am!”

  Mrs. Somers, pursuing her exit with the word: “No, merely atrocious.” A pause ensues, in which Campbell stands irresolute.

  X. MRS. SOMERS; MR. CAMPBELL

  Campbell, finally: “Did you wish me to stay, Amy?”

  Mrs. Somers, airily: “I? Oh no! It was Mrs. Curwen.”

  Campbell: “Then I think I’ll accept her kind offer of a seat in her coupé.”

  Mrs. Somers: “Oh! I thought, of course, you’d stay — at her request.”

  Campbell: “No; I shall only stay at yours.”

  Mrs. Somers: “And I shall not ask you. In fact, I warn you not to.”

  Campbell: “Why?”

  Mrs. Somers: “Because, if you urge me to speak now, I shall say—”

  Campbell: “I wasn’t going to urge you.”

  Mrs. Somers: “No matter! I shall say it now without being urged. Yes, I’ve made up my mind. I can’t marry a flirt.”

  Campbell: “I can, Amy.”

  Mrs. Somers: “Sir!”

  Campbell: “You know very well you sent those people into the other room to keep me here and torment me—”

  Mrs. Somers: “Now you’ve insulted me, and all is over.”

  Campbell: “To tantalize me with your loveliness, your beauty, your grace, Amy!”

  Mrs. Somers, softening: “Oh, that’s all very well—”

  Campbell: “I’m glad you like it. I could go on at much greater length. But you know I love you dearly, Amy, and why should you delight in my agonies? But only marry me, and you shall delight in them as long as you live, and—”

  Mrs. Somers: “You must hold me very cheap to think I would take you from that creature.”

  Campbell: “Confound her! I wasn’t hers to give. I offered myself first.”

  Mrs. Somers: “She offered you last, and — no, thank you, please.”

  Campbell: “Do you really mean it?”

  Mrs. Somers: “I shall not say. Or, yes, I will say. If that woman, who seems to have you at her beck and call, had not intermeddled, I might have made you a very different answer. But now my eyes are opened, and I see what I should have to expect, and — no, thank you, please.”

  Campbell: “And if she hadn’t offered me—”

  Mrs. Somers, drawing out her handkerchief and putting it to her eyes: “I was feeling kindly towards you — I was such a little fool—”

  Campbell: “Amy!”

  Mrs. Somers: “And you knew how much I disliked her.”

  Campbell: “Yes, I saw by the way you kissed each other.”

  Mrs. Somers: “Nonsense! You knew that meant nothing. But if it had been anybody else in the world but her, I shouldn’t have minded it. And now—”

  Campbell: “Now—”

  Mrs. Somers: “Now all those geese are coming back from the other room, and they’ll see that I’ve been crying, and everybody will know everything. Willis—”

  Campbell: “Willis?”

  Mrs. Somers: “Let me go! I must bathe my eyes! You stay here and receive them! I’ll be back at once!” She escapes from the arms stretched towards her, and out of the door, just before her guests enter from the library, and Campbell remains to receive them. The ladies, in returning, call over one another’s heads and shoulders.

  XI. MR. CAMPBELL and the OTHERS

  Mrs. Roberts: “Amy, it’s lovely! But it doesn’t half do you justice.”

  Young Mrs. Bemis: “It’s too sweet for anything, Mrs. Somers.”

  Mrs. Crashaw: “Why did you let the man put you into that ridiculous seventeenth-century dress? Can’t he paint a modern frock?”
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  Mrs. Wharton: “But what exquisite coloring, Mrs. Somers!”

  Mrs. Miller: “He’s got just your lovely turn of the head.”

  Miss Bayly: “And the way you hold your fan — what character he’s thrown into it!”

  Mrs. Roberts: “And that fall of the skirt, Amy; that skirt is full of character!” She discovers Mr. Campbell behind the tea-urn. He has Mrs. Somers’s light wrap on his shoulders, and her fan in his hand, and he alternately hides his blushes with it, and coquettishly folds it and pats his mouth in a gross caricature of Mrs. Somers’s manner. In rising he twitches his coat forward in a similar burlesque of a lady’s management of her skirt. “Why, where is Amy, Willis?”

  Campbell: “Gone a moment. Some trouble about — the hot water.”

  Lawton: “Hot water that you’ve been getting into? Ah, young man, look me in the eye!”

  Campbell: “Your glass one, Doctor?”

  Young Mr. Bemis: “Why, my dear, has your father got a glass eye?”

  Mrs. Bemis: “Of course he hasn’t! What an idea! I don’t know what Mr. Campbell means.”

  Lawton: “I’ve no doubt he wishes I had a glass eye — two of them, for that matter. But that isn’t answering my question. Where is Mrs. Somers?”

  Campbell: “That was my sister’s question, and I did answer it. Have some tea, ladies? I’m glad you like my portrait, and that you think he’s got my lovely turn of the head, and the way I hold my fan, and the character of my skirt; but I agree with you that it isn’t half as pretty as I am.”

  The Ladies: “Oh, what shall we do to him? Prescribe for us, Doctor.”

  Campbell: “No, no! I want the Doctor’s services myself. I don’t want him to give me his medicines. I want him to give me away.”

  Lawton: “You’re tired of giving yourself away, then?”

  Campbell: “It’s of no use. They won’t have me.”

  Lawton: “Who won’t?”

  Campbell: “Oh, I’ll leave Mrs. Somers to say.”

  XII. MRS. SOMERS and the OTHERS

  Mrs. Somers, radiantly reappearing: “Say what?” She has hidden the traces of her tears from every one but the ladies by a light application of powder, and she knows that they all know she has been crying, and this makes her a little more smiling. “Say what?” She addresses the company in general rather than Campbell.