The Climb

by Damien Benoit-Ledoux

  “What’s that? You want to lick my asshole?” Daren said loud enough so his cronies—but not the rest of the team—could hear him. They laughed.

  Skyler shook his head and said, “Whatever.” He turned to go join the rest of the team. CK walked toward him, eyeing Daren. Skyler shook his head at him.

  “I wasn’t done talking to you,” Daren said.

  “Funny,” Skyler said over his shoulder. “I was done talking with you.”

  “Hey!” Daren called out.

  “Tarquin!” Cody called out from the bleachers. Skyler turned and saw him standing shirtless on the third row, helmet in hand with his chest armor in the other. He looked like a Greek god in the afternoon sunlight. Daren growled and walked toward his friends.

  What’s gonna happen when you’re not around? Daren has it out for us.

  “Phoenix, get up here, you need to hear this,” Coach yelled. Skyler turned around and focused on the coach’s words. He walked closer to the team that had gathered around him.

  “Listen up, men.” The fact that Coach had used the word men instead of maggots meant they had done something right. “You came in four minutes early today. I’ll give you that as a bonus given how gawd-awful muggy it is. Even I give up in this heat. Make sure you get some stretches in before you hit the locker room when you’re dismissed.”

  Wouldn’t be Coach without a boot camp reference.

  “Some of you, like Phoenix, asked about the cycling team. Unfortunately, there won’t be a cycling team this fall due to a lack of interest, and we don’t have enough cyclists to qualify for any competitive races. By that I mean about three people total. I can’t run a team of three people. So, Phoenix, I want you on the cross-country team if you’ll do it. You have potential, and I don’t want to see it wasted. You can still join the swim team like you want, but that won’t start until the end of cross-country. So, you might as well help us win a big, shiny gold trophy. Except today’s performance won’t count because you ran too slow. Not again, capisce?”

  “Yes, Coach.”

  “Who wants Phoenix on the team?” Coach yelled out to the track team.

  Skyler heard the entire team yell out in agreement at the same time. Wow, didn’t expect that much support.

  “There you go, son. Let me know your answer soon, okay?”

  “Will do, Coach. Consider me on the team.” That wasn’t a hard decision to make.

  The entire team, except for Daren and his friends, cheered and gathered around Skyler to welcome him. Out of the corner of his eye, Skyler saw CK and Tommy beaming with pride at the team’s newest acquisition.

  * * *

  After showering, Skyler dressed and headed out of the locker room. He ambled down the hallway toward the library, absentmindedly thumbing through his Facebook newsfeed on his iPhone. He needed to return some suggested summer reading for his English Literature class that he had picked up when he registered at the school with Liara.

  “Drop something?” a familiar voice asked.

  “What?” Skyler looked up as Daren’s hand came down on his books, knocking the entire stack onto the hard tile floor. His cell phone bounced out of his hand and rattled to a stop on the floor a few feet away.

  Skyler looked up and rage filled his eyes. Annika, smugly smiling, hung off Daren’s left arm.

  What? Since when do these two hang out?

  “I said I wasn’t done talking to you,” Daren said.

  Skyler could feel Daren’s angry stare piercing something inside him. It felt familiar. “Daren, knock it off.” Skyler’s hands balled into fists at his sides. “I don’t have time for your bullshit.”

  Daren sneered, confidently flexing his shoulder and chest muscles. “What are you going to do now, sissy pants? Cody isn’t here to protect your gay ass.”

  Annika chuckled.

  “Unfortunately for you, I don’t need Cody to protect me,” Skyler barked. He felt frustration and anger building inside him.

  Rage flashed in Daren’s eyes. Daren’s hands came up and shoved Skyler backward into some lockers. “I know you’re afraid to tell everyone your dirty little secret,” Daren snarled. “But I’ll out you, Skyler, and then we’ll see how much fun you’ll have. Everyone will know you’re a queer-ass sissy. So, stay the fuck away from me, faggot.”

  Skyler contorted his face in confusion. “What the hell? What is your problem with me? You are the one who came after me!”

  “Come on, Daren, we don’t need to torture him forever. He’s like a mouse in a maze. The trap will get him soon enough,” Annika said to Daren. Then to Skyler, she whispered, “Watch yourself,” and blew him a kiss.

  “Whatever.” Daren flipped him off as they walked away.

  What? What the heck was that all about?

  Skyler picked up the library books from the floor and walked over to the returns slot. He impatiently jammed them through the opening and they slid down into a bin. He picked up his cell phone and checked it over, relieved that the screen hadn’t cracked.

  CK called out to Skyler from the far end of the corridor.

  “All set to go?”

  “Yeah, I am.” Skyler walked toward CK, rolling his shoulder.

  “Something wrong?”

  “Meh,” Skyler said. “Just Daren. He shoved me into a locker for no reason.”

  “What?” CK exclaimed.

  “Yeah. I think they threatened me, but I’m not sure.”

  “They?”

  “The bitch was with him.”

  “Annika’s with Daren?” CK said incredulously as they walked down the hallway toward the exit.

  “Well, they were together today and she was hanging off his arm. She said I was like a mouse in a maze. And Daren threatened to out me.”

  “Ugh, so she’s found someone new to toy with.”

  “But why,” Skyler asked. “What the hell did I do to her? Or him?” They exited the building and headed over to their bicycles.

  “I’m telling you, Daren’s homophobic. He’s terrified that another gay kid in school will be able to gaydar him out of the closet or something?”

  “That’s so messed up,” Skyler said as they unlocked their bicycles.

  CK thought for a moment. “I think I know what Annika’s deal is. She’s out to get anyone who’s happy, really. And you said no to her, which like, no one does. Well, I did, Cody did, too…so there’s three of us who blatantly don’t give her what she wants. She’s spoiled rotten with a queen bee chip on her shoulder. Given that reality, I’m willing to bet Annika has it out for you because you embarrassed her at the party.”

  “That was weeks ago!” Skyler exclaimed.

  “I know, and I think she’s been pissed off since. This is my humble opinion, of course. Once she figured out Daren had you in his sights, she found a common ally in the dark and brooding guy. It wouldn’t surprise me if she was pushing him to bully you because Annika never gets her hands dirty, ya know? And of course, let’s not forget Kalin and Kyle. Whatever friendship she thinks she had with them, you now threaten.”

  “Seriously?”

  “I know. I’m not saying it makes sense. But it kinda does to me. But it’s crazy.”

  “I’m learning that bullies are big, insecure turd brains who pick on weaker people to feel better about themselves. Man, public school is very different from the Academy I attended.”

  “Nah. You were bullied in a different way. You weren’t allowed to be yourself. That’s the ultimate form of bullying right there, I think. Not letting someone be who they truly are.”

  “Hmmm,” Skyler muttered, half to himself, half to CK. They mounted their bikes and pedaled home. “Why doesn’t he pick on Kalin?” Skyler asked. “I’ve only seen him pick on me and Tommy.”

  “Yeah,” CK called over his shoulder. He slowed so Skyler could ride alongside him on the quiet road. “The thought has crossed my mind. He usually picks on smaller gay kids, but he really has it out for you. I don’t know the answer to that question. Maybe h
e likes you.”

  “Oh, man, that’s it!” Skyler exclaimed.

  “What is?”

  “Maybe he does like me. But I’m the thing he can’t have. It’s only a matter of time before he figures out Kalin and I like each other before he turns on him, too. That’s why he’s picking on Tommy, because Tommy likes me.”

  “Tommy likes you, too?”

  “Yeah, but not like that. He’s not ready to date at all. But Daren doesn’t know that. He sees Tommy crushing a little and that’s set him off. Wow, this makes so much sense now, even if it’s ridiculous.”

  The boys swerved around a parked car. CK picked up Skyler’s train of thought. “You think Daren likes you but because he’s not out for whatever reason he’s not able to properly channel his crush on you so it’s coming out as hatefully bullying?”

  “Totally. It’s like, reverse affection, or negative affection. Something like that. Tracy would know. Since he can’t flirt with me, he’s found another way to channel that same energy.”

  “Okay, interesting.”

  “I really think Daren’s actually trying to come out. I think his threats to out me are a cry for help. I think your dad was right with his story about the thorn in the paw.”

  “So, you had that talk already?”

  Skyler smiled and chuckled. “Yeah, we did. I need to figure out how to help him.”

  They think they can hurt me. They think they can break me. They think they can keep me from coming out or something because they’re afraid. I was afraid, but now I’m not.

  “Wait, did I hear you correctly?” CK asked. “Did you just offer to help someone come out? Did you just affirm everything I’ve said to you? And Tracy? And Cody? Are you ready to rise from the ashes, Skyler Phoenix?”

  Skyler smiled.

  I know what I should do now.

  20 | I Rise, You Fall

  LATER THAT AFTERNOON, SKYLER SAT at his computer. His knee bounced with anticipation as he clicked through Facebook’s settings and set his sexual orientation to Interested in Men.

  This means no more hiding, no more lying. You’re gonna be the new kid at school who happens to be gay.

  Anyone who didn't know already in his Facebook world—like his friends back at the Academy—would probably be surprised, but he didn't care anymore. He saved the status update and moved on, knowing he would never go back in the closet.

  He picked up his iPhone and texted Kalin: Any chance you’re free this afternoon or this evening? I really wanna talk with you. It’s time.

  He set his phone down and did a Facebook search for Cameron Mosher, but it turned up blank. Next he searched for Noah Tinsdale, but that came up blank. He searched for Grace Tinsdale and found his former sister. Unfortunately, the profile was locked and he couldn’t see anything except her profile picture. She looked happy. Well, that’s good. Wait, why am I looking back? Because to move forward I should say goodbye to the past. That stuff can’t hold me back any longer. It’s a brave new world, Skyler.

  He checked the weather and saw that tomorrow would be another hot, summer afternoon. He picked up his phone again and texted CK, Tracy, Cody: Wanna hang out tomorrow to swim and stuff? I’m ready to come out. I want Daren and Annika to be here, too.

  He set the phone down and thought about who else he would invite. If Daren showed up, he could come out once and for all and show Daren that he had no power over him, Tommy, Kalin, or any other gay person at the school.

  His phone buzzed. He glanced at it and smiled. Kalin was free to come over tonight. Skyler texted him back: See you after dinner, around 7 or 7:30?

  “Hey Skyler,” CK said, tapping and then pushing open his bedroom door.

  “Hey.” He turned to look at CK.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” CK asked, jiggling his phone in his hand. His face expressed concern and hope.

  “More than you know. It’s time. I’m totally ready for this. I can’t let Daren have any more power over me or anyone else. It’s time to put that jerk in his place.”

  CK walked in and sat on the edge of Skyler’s bed. “You’re not going to out him, are you?”

  “Oh, no. Even though I think we’re right about him, it’s not my place to out someone. That’s their own journey.” Skyler’s phone buzzed on the desk.

  “Okay. I don’t think you should push Daren with your theory right now.”

  “Agreed.” Skyler’s phone buzzed again.

  “So, what’s next? What are you thinking about?”

  “Kalin’s coming over tonight. I’m going to tell him what I couldn’t say when we were kayaking.” Skyler’s phone buzzed a third time.

  “You know he’s not going to care, right? He likes you for who you are.”

  “You’re right, but it will be good for me to talk about it. The more I talk about it, the easier it will get, and the less it will haunt and control me. I know I don’t have to tell everyone, but I want him to know. I feel like I let my fears get in the way of us and I want him to know why.”

  “Get in the way of us, huh?” CK echoed, smiling. He winked at Skyler. “Okay, let’s see what we can do. How about I text some of the guys so it’s like an end-of-summer pool party or something?”

  “That would be awesome. I need Daren and Annika to be there. They need to know I won’t play their games anymore.”

  CK nodded and started texting.

  Skyler picked up his phone and checked the messages. Tracy had responded: OMG, yay to my out-and-proudie! Count me in!

  Kalin had responded: See you soon, handsome.

  And Cody had responded: Dope. I’m there. I’ll text Daren and Annika.

  Skyler smiled. For the first time in a long time, he felt good.

  “Tommy’s free,” CK said, checking his phone.

  “Okay. Cody said he’s gonna text Daren and Annika.”

  CK smiled. “Aaron and Paul are coming as well. Paul’s gonna bring his girlfriend, Jessica.”

  “Sweet.” Aaron and Paul were seniors on the track team.

  “You’re really gonna do this?”

  “There’s no going back now, right?”

  “You don’t have to say anything at all, I suppose.”

  “I’m not gonna chicken out. Why are you so surprised?” Skyler asked.

  “Well, it’s been a real struggle. And it hasn’t been that long.”

  “I know. You gotta remember though, I was ready to come out with Cam. I was ready to be me. We just…didn’t know how, and we hit a pretty big setback when things blew up. I’m lucky I could recover. I don’t know how Cam is…surviving.”

  “How does that make you feel?” CK asked.

  Skyler shrugged. “Sad, but I can’t do anything about it. Maybe one day we’ll reconnect, maybe not. All I want is to know that he’s okay. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I won’t know for a while. I tried to search for him on Facebook, but he doesn’t appear to have an account. So, that’s that.”

  “Okay,” CK said.

  “I know I gotta move on. All the encouragement you guys have been giving me and potentially figuring out Daren’s issues have finally clicked. I’m still working through it, but yeah, it’s time. I’m where I need to be. I’m ready to do this.”

  “Okay then, bro, let’s do it.” CK said, smiling.

  Skyler nodded and smiled back. “I’m gonna write a letter to no one. I need to write, to get my thoughts on paper.” He nodded toward the computer. “Or at least the screen.”

  “Okay, I’ll peace out. Later.” CK offered his fist, and Skyler fist bumped him back.

  “Bye.” He turned to face his computer. He opened the word processor and began to type his thoughts.

  * * *

  Dear Mrs Tinsdale. No, that’s not right. I don’t want to write only to her.

  Dear Skyler. Hmmm…

  To Whom it May Concern. Still not right.

  Dear Tommy. Dear Daren. Dear… Who am I writing to?

  Dear Bullies. Dear Intolerant People
. Dear Haters. Aha, I got it…

  Dear Hate:

  You suck. You make life an impossible climb, but I’ve reached the summit and I can see clearly now. You make life miserable for no reason except to get off on a false sense of security and a pseudo power trip that ultimately means nothing to anyone except yourself and maybe a few misguided followers. Unfortunately, you think your hateful message will succeed in keeping kids like me in the closet or from achieving our true potential, whatever that may be. You think your message glorifies God or benefits humanity in some great way when it hurts the very beautiful people who are God’s creations. Your message hurts all of humanity because sometimes you succeed in shutting down the right voice in the crowd. But that voice could be the voice that cures cancer, the voice that could be the next president, or the voice that does the next amazing thing and moves humanity forward leaps and bounds.

  Hate and hurt, two peas in a pod.

  You think that by using religion hurtfully to persecute others or bully them you will somehow keep us quiet, keep us hidden, and keep us out of the way. You think we will just shut up and take it because our sin is not your sin, because we are not you, because you are better than us, because you have God, because you have righteousness, because you have whatever you think makes you superior to us. Sadly, there will always be someone you can beat down, someone you can belittle, someone you can hurt to feel better about yourself.

  But it stops with me today, because I know the truth about how you work, and it is a simple truth: Hurt people hurt people. I know this is true because I have experienced it all my life. People who truly love do not hurt others, and if they do, it’s an accident. People you win over who are broken, who are fearful, who are afraid, they are the ones who learn to hurt and hate. They instinctively protect themselves by lashing out at others. Unfortunately, some do it better than others.

  For Sean McMahon, his alcoholism caused him to hurt so many people. Whether it was hereditary, a disease, or a choice, I’ll never know, but he never wanted to help himself. And in that anti-choice, he made the choice to hurt everyone around him.