All the Forever Things

by Jolene Perry

  My throat is no longer a throat—it’s a massive lump I’m not sure I can talk around.

  Mom leans over to see me, so I give her a reassuring smile through shaky lips. “Yeah. Sure,” I say too loudly, brightly, and enthusiastically. “For sure. Send me a text, okay?”

  “You sound way too normal. I’m depressed over this.” He laughs a little, but it’s in a whisper like his voice. “This sucks. Mom misses Dad. I miss Dad. I need to get her settled before I can leave.”

  I should think it’s super sweet that he’s taking care of his mom, but instead of being that sweet girl, I’m feeling a little heartbroken over our night.

  “Okay. Well…” My voice is still too high to be genuine. “Just text me.”

  “You’re the best, Gabe.”

  I’m something like that.

  “All okay?” Mom asks as she smooths over my hair with her fingers.

  “Hartman’s running behind.”

  Mom sighs. “Is this some scheme to get out of pictures?”

  I shake my head, my throat still feeling a little swollen. “No. We’ll get pictures.”

  “Promise?” Mom asks.

  I’m not sure how I could promise when I have no idea how my night will go. “Promise.”

  After adjusting all the pedals, steering wheel, and mirrors, I glance at myself in the rearview mirror. Dramatic cat eye makeup (thank you, patience and practice) and red lips (thank you, Cover Girl). Smooth, shiny hair tucked up with a headband (thank you, Mom).

  Jessica lives just up the hill, and that’s where the group is meeting, so I head up the winding neighborhood streets, letting my phone guide me. The hearse feels like a lumbering beast riding slow waves. I hate this thing.

  When I pause in front of Jessica’s, Bree and Bryce are leaning against his car. Or, rather, he’s leaning back against his car, and she looks like she’s trying to crawl up his body to kiss him harder. Her knee-length, bubble gum–pink dress tugs tightly around her hips, but not as tightly as Bryce is grabbing her ass.

  And the dress is so…not Bree. Though, at this point, I shouldn’t be surprised.

  The headlights hit Bree, and she breaks away from him, giving me a huge grin and a wave. I wonder who was with her when she picked out her dress, or how she paid for it. I shove away the thought and concentrate on her being happy to see me. Are we okay again? Just like that?

  “Hey!” I wave.

  Bree prances my way in the biggest steps her dress will allow. I throw my arms around her and hold on. Eyes welling. Heart happy.

  “Okay, Gabe. You’re ruining my hair.” She laughs a little.

  I slam my arms back to my sides and stare at her. Bree’s eyes are unfocused. Has she already been drinking? Now I wonder if we’re actually friends, or if she’s just saying that we are so the night goes the way she imagined. My heart is split into two parts.

  Instead of thinking too hard about Bree, I walk around the back and open the hearse’s loading doors. “Your car awaits.”

  I gesture into the back, which is immaculate because I worked on it all afternoon. Matthew helped me put a carpet over the attachments for coffins, and I added a few pillows and blankets I stole from one of the spare rooms at my house. My parents were too busy to realize what I was up to, so the inside looks pretty great. Since Dad thinks tonight is just me and Hartman, I’m sure he’d have had a small stroke if he knew I was about to fill it with Bree’s friends from school.

  “This is so cool!” Bryce runs around Bree and leaps into the back. He seems totally unbothered by the idea that he’s rumpling his tux. “No seats, just room…” He rubs the carpet in large circles while wagging his brows.

  “Maybe we shouldn’t have invited anyone else.” Bree winks at him while holding her waist.

  Really? “I’d still be here,” I remind her.

  Her eyes flash to mine, filled with annoyance and then worry. Definitely been drinking. “Where’s Hartman?”

  “Meeting up later.”

  Bree frowns, her eyes pleading, but the worry in the wrinkles feels forced instead of genuine. When did we start pretending around each other?

  “I wanted tonight to be great for everyone, Gabe,” she pouts. Like I had some say in this crappy situation.

  I shrug, the purple taffeta making swishing noises with every movement.

  “Hi, Gabe. I knew you’d look cool,” Jessica tells me with a smile. Her floor-length pale-blue dress flows around her like someone crafted it for her body.

  I glance down at my old family dress and then to Jessica’s sleek gown that looks more appropriate for the Oscars than for prom.

  “Um…” I say. “Thanks. You too.”

  “This is very cool of you.” Meghan pauses at the rear doors, her tight dress hugging her knees too closely for her to climb in.

  “Oh.” I look at these two girls who I’ve probably never spoken to, completely convinced I’ll say something stupid.

  Bree compliments Jessica’s bag, and then Meghan pipes in as Theo’s bulging arms flex while he hoists her into the back of the car.

  “You cool driving?” Theo asks me in his deep, rumbling voice. “This car is a trip. I love it.”

  I nod without speaking.

  He pauses for a minute longer with a smile, and then he and Jeremy climb in the back. If I were to crash this car, I’d kill our junior class royalty. That’s a crazy thought.

  My phone sings as I sit back in the driver’s seat.

  A text from Hartman: I’m sorry. I’m working on it. Give me a few more minutes.

  My heart cracks.

  I can’t think about him. I need to concentrate on helping Bree have a good night without doing or saying anything too stupid. I’m afraid to believe Hartman will show up.

  As I climb in the driver’s seat, I recheck all my mirrors and try to drown out the chatter from the back. Should be an interesting night.

  I kick my feet up on the dashboard and flip another page in my book. The light in here isn’t really bright enough to be a good reading light, but it’s enough. I walked through our prom for a whole three seconds before I knew I didn’t want to be there. Hartman hasn’t shown up yet, so lying to say that I was going to go pick him up was pretty simple.

  My phone buzzes, making me wonder when I turned off the sound.

  Mom says, Don’t forget to text when you leave prom to go somewhere new!

  And then another from Hartman. Finally leaving! Meet you at prom.

  I’m the girl in the hearse.

  With our weird half conversations and our argument on the stairs, I really want my face-to-face with him.

  Maybe I should write something else. Or not. He’s driving now. I know he doesn’t live far, but how far? Was he on the road when he sent the text or not?

  I can’t just sit in the car anymore, so I step into the empty parking lot and peer over the tops of the cars. And then walk a few steps in my low heels, but I don’t want to be too far away from the hearse, so I start walking back. And then I stop. The parking lot is still silent. This is stupid. I open the driver’s side door again and sit down, tugging my full skirt in behind me.

  Just as I grab my door to close it, Hartman darts up and rests his hand on the top.

  He’s gasping for air like he just sprinted. “Gimme a sec…” He grins as he stands taller and sucks in a lungful of air.

  This is the boy who kissed me and then barely spoke to me, and then left the state, and then came back without telling me, and then came late to prom. I’m not sure what to do with him.

  He reaches toward me, and I take his hand without thinking. Suddenly I’m standing next to him in the parking lot, and I don’t really care about anything except for him being here with me.

  “Hi,” he says.

  “Hi,” I say back.

  Hartman smiles again, bringing my hand to his lips and kissing my knuckles. “I love doing that.”

  “I see.”

  “You’re gorgeous. Look at you.” His brows go up as
he holds my hand to the side. “Totally gorgeous.”

  My cheeks heat up before I think to look at Hartman. The tux is black and fitted, and every inch of it is sixties chic.

  “You look great.”

  Hartman’s face falls a little. “I can’t believe you’re not yelling at me, or slapping me, or doing one of a million other things you have every right to do.”

  “I’m…” I let my gaze rest on him for a few moments. “I’m confused.”

  “I’m not.” He shakes his head. “I like you.”

  Heat rushes up my neck again, and I stare at the ground. “I like you too. But I’m still confused.”

  “It’s so late…” He glances around. “I’m sorry. Our short trip was harder on Mom than I thought it would be. I couldn’t leave her home alone crying like that.”

  “How, um…” I steal a quick glance toward the restaurant and let the sound of the pulsing music take over my thoughts for a moment. “How are you?”

  “Recovering.” He slips both his hands in mine. “I want to dance with you.”

  “I’m…” Here? In there?

  “Oh! Driii-verrr!” Bryce yells across the parking lot before laughing. “I believe our party is ready to depart!”

  Hartman’s eyes narrow. “Has he been this obnoxious all night?”

  “It was just a burger dinner and then here. But yes. Yes, he has. At least everyone else in the group seems pretty cool.” This should maybe not surprise me so much, but we’ve never really talked.

  “Really?”

  “I’m judgy, I guess. I expected them to all be Bryce clones, and they’re not.” Just Bree, it seems…

  Hartman gives the group a single wave, gesturing for them to come to the car, instead of us picking our way through the crowded lot to get to them. Part of me wonders if there’s enough light over here for them to see him, but they start moving this way.

  “Bryce isn’t a bad guy,” Hartman says. “He just doesn’t think. His parents spoil the hell out of him, and since his dad moved out, it’s gotten even worse.”

  I always forget that Hartman has known Bryce since forever.

  “Then why is Bree with him?” I ask, not expecting an answer.

  “You’d know better than me.”

  Hardly.

  “How was your trip?” I ask as the group laughs their way toward us.

  “Right.” Hartman squeezes my hand. “There are things to say. Lots of things.”

  I have no idea if that’s good or bad.

  “And I…” Hartman bites his lower lip like there’s something else he wants to say. “This is history. This should be easy.”

  “What should be easy?”

  “I broke up with my girlfriend. Well…we broke up before I moved here. I’d been—”

  “We ready or what?” Jeremy asks as he jerks open the back door.

  Hartman had a girlfriend? It’s not like it would be weird or unusual. I just hadn’t really thought about that before. That he had this whole other life before coming here. I mean, now that I know, of course he had a life before here, and why wouldn’t a very cool guy like him have had a girlfriend? I just suddenly feel like the kid here, and the world and the sounds that go with this night start to blur a little.

  I need to think.

  “You’re the best, Gabe!” Bree squeals.

  I don’t feel like the best. I feel like Hartman just sucked the air out of my chest and like I miss my best friend even though she’s two steps away.

  Jeremy carefully holds Jessica’s long skirt up for her so she can climb in. Not too high. Just enough. Meghan’s yellow dress comes next. It once again takes both Theo and Jeremy a minute to lift her into the car.

  Meghan smiles at me. “Thanks again, Gabe. This was really cool of you.”

  I just nod, unsure what my voice would sound like if I were to speak.

  “You know, Meghan…” Bryce leans forward with this gross, sneering look on his face. “If you slipped out of your dress, getting in and out of this car wouldn’t be so hard.”

  “Don’t be a dick.” Theo wraps his arms around Meghan and pulls her onto his lap.

  Bryce just cackles. “I’d like to see at least one naked girl tonight.”

  Bree slaps him, pretending to be mad, but when I look at her face, she seems more scared than jokingly mad. My body tenses. I imagine smashing my fist into Bryce’s face again, only this time actually doing some damage.

  “All ready?” Hartman asks with a hand on each door, holding them just far enough apart in the back to stand between them.

  “Thanks!” Jeremy waves and Hartman shuts the doors.

  “My guess is there’s been some drinking?” Hartman asks.

  “Yes.”

  He walks to the passenger door and holds it open. “I believe this was the arrangement? You ride and I drive.”

  It was the arrangement, but I might need the distraction of driving. I’m desperate to know more about his trip, and…Okay. I’m desperate to learn more about the girlfriend, but I definitely don’t want Hartman’s past and his confusing “now” to be explained in a car full of people.

  I pause and stare at him for a moment, letting my stomach flutter before sitting. Hartman walks around the front of the car, while noise from laughter and jokes I don’t get rattle into the front.

  Hartman pulls the driver’s seat back before sitting. “You’re shorter than me.”

  I laugh a little, but it’s a choking, nervous kind of thing. “Yeah.”

  “So about Connecticut—”

  Bryce’s face appears between us. “We want to head up to Tanner’s Warehouse.”

  “What?” I ask. “Why?” It’s a run-down old warehouse that used to manufacture…something. The place is a wreck, and the view of the ocean is only good when it’s light enough outside to see, which it clearly is not.

  Bryce gives me a You’re crazy look. “Because it’s fun.”

  Hartman starts driving out of the lot. “You’ll have to tell me where to go.”

  I nod and then stare out the window. Hartman threads his fingers through mine, but I’m still confused.

  “This thing is a boat.” Hartman chuckles. “No wonder you don’t like driving.”

  That’s not the whole reason, but this car definitely doesn’t help something I already find awkward.

  Another burst of laughter from the back makes me turn around.

  Bree waves at me with a bottle in her hand. “Come on back, Gabe!”

  Nope. I don’t need to be back there right now.

  Hartman’s thumb traces patterns over the back of my hand, rushing goose bumps up my arm.

  “I really want to talk,” he whispers. “For real.”

  I glance back. “Once we’re there maybe.”

  Hartman nods. “I haven’t been fair to you.”

  “No,” I say, because he hasn’t.

  He squeezes my hand and my heart skips.

  Bree’s voice doesn’t sound like Bree’s voice. She’s actually talking about what the football team is going to do next year without some of the seniors from this year. I’m just…Nobody warned me how fast people can change.

  We drive in silence while everyone in the back of the car imitates hyenas—in sound at least.

  When we turn off the highway and make it to the dirt road hill, Hartman releases my hand and puts both hands on the steering wheel. “Are you guys sure this car will make it up there?”

  “We had a limo up here last year,” Theo says. “We’re good. If you need to stop, it’s no big deal. We can walk up the rest of the way.”

  I shrug. “I’m not driving and this is our oldest hearse, so whatever.”

  Hartman continues slowly up the hill.

  Scrubby brush has grown in further over the road since last time I was here, but the fact that the road is still here, and I can see tire tracks in the dirt, means that we’re not the only ones stupid enough to navigate this road. I shift until I’m sitting on my feet and squint out the wi
ndshield.

  I know the cliff for the ocean is on my right, and the mountains are on my left. This area is wide and flat enough that I shouldn’t have to worry about either, but all I see in my head is the car rolling down, twisting and breaking as it goes.

  Hartman squeezes my hand. “We’re good. Promise.”

  The back tires of the hearse skid once as we reach a steeper section, and then the trail-road almost levels off. I suck in a breath.

  “I got this,” Hartman says quietly.

  Despite the way the car is rocking up the hill, I let myself lean back in my seat.

  “There it is!” Jeremy points to the tall brick building. The moonlight reflects in the bits of windows that are still intact, but everything about this place feels old and dirty and worn and used.

  Hartman stops the car, and the group is out before I’m even unbuckled. Guess my body is stiff from the drive. The thought of going back down that hill is…I’m not even sure what.

  By the time my fingers manage unbuckling my seat belt and I climb out of the car, I’m behind the group. I take a couple steps but lean on the hood. I have to walk on the balls of my feet with the small heels or I’ll ruin the leather.

  “Did you bring your other shoes?” Hartman asks with a smile.

  “What’s with all the smiling?” I ask when I stop in front of the car. “Hasn’t it been rough lately?”

  “It has, but…but I’ve also had a few great revelations.” He leans slightly closer. “And I’m happy to be out with you.”

  I spin away as my cheeks flush again and reach underneath the passenger’s seat for my dad’s old shoes. I slip off the low heels and slide into comfort. Hartman grasps my hand, and I let him tug me to standing.

  “Gabe!” Bree yells. “Catch up!” She waves near the gaping open doors of the old warehouse.

  Meghan’s light-blue dress practically glows, and Bree’s pink one sparkles a little in the headlights. Tonight is supposed to be some kind of fun, magical night, but instead…Instead, I don’t know what this is, but there is no way I’m going inside that decrepit building.